Dear Agony

by Georgia Cates

  “It’s not a burden when you love the person. And I love you, Bash. I’m in love with you.” I see the conflict behind his eyes but it’s unnecessary. I want him exactly as he is. “Don’t make me beg.”

  Bastien grasps me around my waist and moves us so I’m lying on my back, him hovering above me. “I love you so much, Rose. I didn’t want to, but dammit, I do.”

  Those words. I have wanted to hear them for so long. It almost hurts how happy I am.

  He shoves his fingers into the band of my thong. Together, we push the fabric down my legs and then repeat the same deed with his bottoms.

  I wrap my legs around him when he nestles his body between my thighs. Nothing separates us. This is actually happening.

  “Can’t take it back once it’s done. I don’t want you to ever look back on this—or me—as a regret.”

  I fist the top of his hair and pull his face down so we’re eye to eye. “I will never regret this. I will never regret you. I will never regret us.”

  “Are you sure? I need you to be positive.”

  “Never more sure of anything in my life. Now, shut up and make love to me.”

  I embrace his body and welcome its weight on top of me. Skin on skin. Our bodies becoming one, the way they are intended to when the joining is an act of love.

  Everything about this is right.

  Everything about this is a dream come true.

  Everything about this is the good kind of afraid.

  Chapter Eighteen

  __________________________________

  Bastien Pascal

  –

  I lie on my back and Rose nuzzles into my side with her head on top of my chest—a different kind of affection from her post-nightmare snuggle. This one I like even more.

  She turns her face and presses a kiss against my chest through her smile. Impossible for her to hide her happiness. I know because I feel the same.

  When I look at this beautiful girl one word predominantly comes to mind. Mine.

  I lace my fingers through hers and bring her hand up so I can look at the wedding band on her finger. I like seeing it there. She honors my mother by wearing it but my reason for putting it on her finger is two-fold. We aren’t married but it’s intended to be an outward symbol for other men. She’s taken. Don’t even try.

  “Move in with me.”

  She giggles. “I’m pretty sure I did that over a year ago.”

  I’ve had Rose within my reach for over a year. I’ve been in love with her for more than half of that time. What a fool I’ve been for depriving myself of her touch. Her affection. Her love. “You’ve been my roommate who resides across the hall. I want you to be my lover and girlfriend who sleeps in my bed every night.”

  She twists to look up at me. “I can’t remember. Do we have a clause for that?”

  “We have a clause for anything we want to do.”

  “Okay. I’ll be your best friend and lover and girlfriend and bedmate.” I like that combination a lot.

  I lift my head and look over at the clock. “Shit, we have to get up in four hours. I don’t know what I was thinking when I booked an early flight out of here.”

  “I don’t know either because I really don’t want to leave this bed anytime this week.”

  “Well, one of us has to leave it and go down to get that pill.”

  She clinches me tightly. “But I don’t want you to go. I’m not done with you yet.”

  “We just had unprotected sex. You have to take an emergency contraceptive pill. No debate about it.”

  “I know. I’m not debating it. Just being a little whiny about you leaving me instead of staying for more play.”

  “Let’s get that pill and some condoms and then we’ll have some real fun.”

  Going bare while Rose isn’t on birth control was the craziest, most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. The moment was perfect. Stopping to go downstairs for condoms wasn’t an option. I couldn’t stop. And she begged me not to. One mention of the pill she saw in the pharmacy section of the store downstairs was all it took to convince me to keep moving forward.

  “You have to get on birth control as soon as possible.”

  “I’ll make an appointment with a doctor the minute we’re home.”

  I kiss her quickly and get out of bed. A pair of shorts, a T-shirt, a ball cap to hide my unruly hair, and I’m ready to roll. “Need anything else while I’m down there?”

  “I guess I’m good.”

  I lean over and kiss her once more. Love that I no longer have to resist. She’s mine to kiss whenever I want. “Be back in a minute.”

  I come to a screeching halt and have a serious oh shit moment when I see the locked door of the convenience store. “Well, this is a problem.”

  I take out my cell and phone Rose. “Store’s closed. I’m gonna have to get a cab and go to a pharmacy.”

  “It’s so late. I don’t feel good about you leaving the resort in the middle of the night, Bash. It feels a little dangerous.”

  “I’m not super excited about it either but it is what it is.”

  “We’re leaving for the airport in a few hours. Why don’t you come back and we’ll leave half an hour earlier and stop by a pharmacy on the way to the airport?”

  “How soon are you supposed to take the pill after sex?”

  “The site said within seventy-two hours. It’s only been thirty minutes. I think we’re okay.”

  Prolonging it a couple hours seems reasonable. I’m sure everyone doesn’t have sex and then immediately pop out of bed to run down to the pharmacy. “Seems like an acceptable alternative.”

  “Good. Because I’m not finished with you.”

  “Why don’t you tell me all the ways you’re not finished with me while I’m on my way back to the room?”

  I pick up my pace when she begins describing her mouth on my skin, starting at my chest and moving lower and lower.

  She smiles when she sees me standing in the doorway listening. “Oh, dear. I’ve gotta go. My boyfriend just caught me talking dirty to you.”

  I pull my shirt over my head. “What was that you mentioned doing with your mouth? Remind me what you said.”

  “If you come here, I’ll show you instead.”

  I toss my shirt in the floor and kick out of my shorts. “Totally down with that.”

  ***

  I open my eyes and see three red glowing numbers. Five thirteen. Not the three I need to see.

  “Shit, Rose. Get up. We overslept.”

  “Hmm?” she groans.

  “Get up, baby girl. We’re running late. We’ve gotta book it if we’re going to make our flight.”

  Damn. I can’t believe I fell asleep.

  It was really late—or early—when Rose and I stopped fooling around. I didn’t set the alarm because I was going to stick it out for the hour rather than go to sleep.

  Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

  I told Rose to get a little rest and I’d wake her when it was time to get up. But she felt so good curled around me. And I was so relaxed after getting off three times. God, it had been so long. I couldn’t stop myself from drifting off into a Rose-induced orgasm coma.

  “Can we make it?”

  “We should be able to if we walk out of here within the next fifteen minutes. I’m calling for a bellhop and a taxi so we can roll ASAP.” I hate being late.

  Rose goes to her drawer of clothes and yanks out a top and bottom. “Sorry but it’s going to be a leggings, tunic, and messy bun day. I won’t be looking my best.”

  “Doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. You’re always beautiful to me.”

  Rose catches my attention when she pulls a pair of black lace panties up her legs. She wiggles her butt to adjust them after they’re in place. So sexy. “I smell like you.” She grins. “And like sex. Lots of it.”

  Sweat and semen on a woman. Nothing in the world like the mix of those scents.

  Last night was a new experience for Rose. And for me, too. We we
re two people in love, making love. And I didn’t get enough. I want more. A lot more.

  “I need a shower.”

  “No time. You get to smell like me until we get home.” I don’t hate that she’ll have my mark on her all day.

  A wicked grin grows on her face. “A reminder of last night.”

  I have no idea how we pulled it off but we are walking out the door within fifteen minutes of crawling out of bed. “Good job, baby girl. I think we’re going to make it.”

  Rose holds up her hand for a high five. “Team work, Pascal.”

  “We make a great team.” And have from the time she came into my life. God, I’m thankful I asked Vale for Rose.

  We make our flight with about ten minutes to spare. Not bad for someone running more than an hour later than originally planned.

  The minute we’re in the air, Rose’s head leaves my shoulder and we recline our seats. “See you in Dallas.”

  “Sweet dreams.”

  I’m on the verge of dozing off when I hear Rose’s gasp and feel her jolt straight up in her seat. “The pill.”

  My eyes pop open and I turn to look at her. Oh, shit. That’s not good. “You’re supposed to take it within how many hours?”

  “Seventy-two.”

  I do some quick math in my head. “When we get into New Orleans, it’ll be about eighteen hours after the first time. You’re still well within the recommended timeframe. We’re all good.”

  She cups her hands over her forehead. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe we did that.”

  “It’s my fault. I’m so sorry.”

  She shakes her head. “Nobody’s fault, Bash. Both of us got caught up in the fun. I’ll take the pill as soon as we’re home and it’ll be fine. No more worries.”

  Nothing we can do about it in the air with an eight-hour flight ahead of us. “You’re right. Go to sleep, baby. We’ll take care of it when we get home.”

  ***

  We’ve slept off and on during the eight-hour flight to Dallas, mostly only waking during delivery of meals and then returning to sleep again soon after. I’m still exhausted. Not just from the night of great sex.

  I haven’t given my body the rest it demands.

  I’m on my third or fourth round of sleep since we departed Honolulu when the overhead announcement wakes us to announce inclement weather in Dallas. We’ll be circling until cleared for landing.

  “How long is our layover?” Rose asks.

  “An hour. Maybe an hour and fifteen minutes tops.”

  “I might seriously cry if we miss our connection. I want to be home so badly.”

  I know the feeling. I can’t wait to walk through the doors of our home. “I’m ready to get there too but they can’t control the weather. Gotta do what’s safe.”

  We circle until we’re forced to another airport to land for fuel. “Oh, Bash. There’s no way we’re making our connection now. We’ll be booked on another flight. I bet we don’t get home until bedtime.”

  “Definitely looking like it could go in that direction. Go back to sleep if you can.”

  “I think I will. That at least helps time pass a little faster.”

  I bring her hand to my mouth for a kiss. “Love you, baby girl.”

  “Love you too.”

  Rose curls into a ball around her pillow against the window. Within minutes, I hear steady breath. And then a soft snore. I’ve seen a drastic change in her sleeping pattern since she first came to live with me. Once restless and turbulent, she’s now relaxed and calm. She didn’t have a single nightmare this entire week, so I’d say my theory about her feeling safe at the onset of sleep is the remedy she needs for preventing her nighttime terrors.

  I’m feeling pretty rested so I turn on a television show instead of trying to return to sleep.

  The flight attendant makes her way around the first class cabin. “May I get you or your wife anything while we’re refueling?”

  Rose is dead to the world.

  My wife. I can’t believe how much I like hearing Rose called that. “I think my wife is okay but I’ll take a Jack and Coke.”

  One missed connection. One rescheduled flight. Two delays. Getting home has been a challenge but we’re finally back in New Orleans . . . six hours later than expected.

  I’m a little more at ease now that Rose has taken the emergency contraceptive pill but she took it twenty-three hours later than originally intended. I’ve never had to worry about that before. Never been ungloved until her.

  I allowed myself to get lost in Rose last night. I don’t regret what happened. I would do it again—and I plan to often—but responsibly from this point on.

  We walk through the door and Rose holds out her arms. “Hawaii was fun, but God, it feels good to be home.”

  “Agreed.”

  “I know it’s late but I’m going to die if I don’t get a shower before bed. I’m a dirty girl.”

  “I happen to like dirty girls. Very much.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Not this kind of dirty.”

  Rose has a thing about feeling unclean. Not sure if it’s connected more to her childhood or when she was living homeless on the streets. “Go take a shower. I’ll get our bags out of the car and bring them up.”

  “Will it bother you if I shower in my bathroom since that’s where all my stuff is? I don’t feel like hauling everything over tonight.”

  Hauling her stuff over. I’m going to have girl junk all over my space for the first time ever. Oddly, I’m excited about it.

  “That’s fine. We’ll move your stuff tomorrow.”

  The shower is running when I bring Rose’s luggage into her soon to be former bedroom. I lift her suitcase to place it on the footstool and it slips from my grip, crashing to the floor.

  “Bash?”

  “Just me. Suitcase slipped out of my hand.” I look at my fist, opening and closing my hand, and notice an increase in the previous tremor. “Everything’s okay. Just me being a bit clumsy.”

  This is how it’s going to happen. Progressive. Degenerative. Deficit. A tremor today. Complete loss of muscle control . . . I don’t know when.

  Doesn’t matter if I go down fighting. I’m still going down. This disease will defeat me; there is no beating it. I hate that I’m at its mercy . . . especially considering I feel like I’m living for the first time ever.

  Because of her love. My shelter from the storm. My beacon in the dark. My reservoir when I’m drowning.

  Rose doesn’t care. She loves me. Wants to be here with me, just as I am—deficits and all.

  But is that what I want? Is that what I want for her?

  Chapter Nineteen

  __________________________________

  Rose Middleton

  ∞

  It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Moving and settling into Bastien’s room. Waiting for my period. Finally getting my period. Having a matchstick jabbed under my skin today—okay, not a matchstick. A birth-control implant. But it looks like a matchstick.

  Get a birth-control implant, they said. It won’t hurt that much, they said. They lied.

  Bastien and I discussed our contraceptive options. He said the birth control choice was up to me since it’s my body, but I could tell he wanted me to go with one I couldn’t blunder.

  Bastien looks at the insertion site in my skin. “I don’t like the way this looks. Your arm is red and swollen. And it looks like there’s a bruise forming under the skin.”

  I lift my arm to take a look. “The nurse said it would be like this for a few days. It’s normal.”

  “So weird that they can put something like that under your skin to give you four years of get-it-and-forget-it birth control. This thing is going to outlast me.”

  I hate when he makes jokes like that. “It isn’t funny. Not even a little bit.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He holds his arms out for me. “Come here.”

  I stand motionless for a moment before going to him. He pu
ts his arms around me and squeezes when I reach him. “You can’t say things like that to me. I don’t like it.” No. I hate it.

  “I know you don’t but it’s my way of keeping it real. There are times when I think you forget that I’m sick.”

  “I never have to be reminded the ALS is real. Ever.” It’s always in the forefront of my mind. And I despise that. I wish I could forget it at times.

  “You sometimes act like it isn’t part of my life.” He kisses the top of my head. “Part of our lives.”

  I don’t see the need to bring it up unless there’s a problem. “I don’t dwell on it the way you do but that doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge it as part of our lives.”

  “I’ll stop with the ALS jokes.”

  “I would greatly appreciate that.” I press a quick kiss against his mouth. “What will my sexy, hot boss have me do now that I’ve managed to drag myself into the office?”

  Bastien rubs his thumb over my arm, below the implant. “Well, I suppose I shouldn’t take it too hard on you. You were off work because you were having this done for me.”

  “For us.” That brings a smile to his face.

  “How long till it’s effective?” Why am I not shocked he’s asking that question?

  “They said the timing with my period makes it effective immediately. No need for a backup method.”

  “Mmm. I like that. A lot.” Bastien moves his hand to cup my butt.

  Maybe I should clarify what that means. “It’s effective immediately because I’m still on my period.”

  “Ah, should have known there would be some kind of catch.” He squeezes my butt. Hard. “I’ve never done that but I’m not afraid to try it with you.”

  I’ve never done that but I’m not afraid to try it with you. I consider what those words mean. “You seriously like it so much that you don’t want to wait until my period is over?”

  He chuckles. “Yes, Rose. I seriously like it that much.”

  “Men are really weak creatures when it comes to getting a little.”