Even though we’d been through this time and time again, I still couldn’t leave well enough alone. I needed to know the answer to the Big Question: Did he even want me to come back?
Now, looking back, I know he had basically given me that answer—several times—and clearly, I just wasn’t listening. Or actually . . . I just didn’t want to listen. I think I honestly thought that Tye was just playing the best game of Hard-to-Get. Again . . . I know. . . .
I watched the clock closely, and once I knew he was done with work, I lifted the phone to my ear. I had butterflies in my stomach as I considered what his response might be. I hesitated for a moment before dialing his number.
But something wasn’t right . . . there was no dial tone! What the heck? I tried several times, just to be sure, but there was no getting through. Clearly, this was another blaring sign that just whizzed right past me. I should have taken it as a huge signal that that part of my life was over—and this was not the time to revisit it. But no. . .
At the time, I was devastated. Looking back, though, I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with his answer. Either way, it would have crushed me. If he had said he wanted me to come home, I would have wanted to leave on the next plane to Dallas. And if he had said that I should stay in LA as planned, it would have been just as painful as hearing him urging me to leave in the first place. And I’m not even sure how it would have affected me if he had told me he wasn’t waiting for me. Option A: It would have damaged me even more than I already was, and I would have just moped my way through the Rose Ceremony, probably leading to an early exit. Or, Option B: It would have made me more determined than ever to look my best on the show, and I’d be in it to win it. Just to really show him.
So, regardless of what Tye would have said to me over the phone that afternoon, the whole outcome of the show almost certainly would have been different.
Not that I felt quite that cavalier about it in the moment. I don’t know why I kept setting myself up for heartbreak like I did. If I had been totally honest with myself, I would have had to admit that I knew that Tye wasn’t going to beg me to come back. I considered myself “damaged goods,” and I didn’t really believe I deserved more than what I’d had with Tye. I realized I wasn’t going into The Bachelor with an open heart, because I had left half my heart back at home. I may have thought I was ready for an adventure and a new start, but I was also very hurt and very vulnerable—a dangerous combination that would cause me to cling to anything that might make me feel better.
Clearly, I needed a serious intervention. And that’s exactly what The Bachelor was. Let me just say, this was one surefire way to get over unrequited love. It took me to a whole different city. I couldn’t have any communication with Tye. And I was thrown into a new journey that kept me completely absorbed at all times. It was hard at first, but ultimately, it was very freeing. Of course, at that moment, I still had no idea what was in store for me.
I had no idea how big the audience for The Bachelor was, and I wasn’t expecting to be one of the girls who people remembered. From past seasons, I knew that no one really paid attention to anyone but the Bachelor or Bachelorette. After that people were always going, “Gosh dang it, who was the blonde one on that one season? The one with the blue eyes?”
So I wasn’t overly concerned about how l looked, which was good, because I had just gotten this haircut that I hated. It was an attempt gone awry of having that post-breakup-makeover that’s supposed to make you look so much hotter after the breakup than you did before. Mission totally not accomplished. It looked more like a frizzy, Rachel Do from the ’90s than hot bombshell I was aiming for. Awesome. And I don’t think I was in the best shape of my life, either, but I wasn’t too concerned about it.
Finally, the first Rose Ceremony day arrived. I had all day to get ready. Of course, I finished really early, just because I had nothing else to do. I did my own makeup. I did my own hair. I got my own dress on. I had decided to wear this long, skintight, strapless black dress that I had borrowed from Reagan. I figured I’d go the sophisticated route. Problem was, it was probably a size too small! But I had decided it made me look elegant and grown up, so I was determined to wear it. Never mind that I couldn’t breathe. Never mind that I couldn’t walk, so much as waddle. And never mind that I had to sort of lean back to sit down. The dress was a hot mess, and, emotionally, so was I. But I looked good! And, ladies, we all know that’s all that matters.
And then, because I had nothing else to do, I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my room and practiced meeting Jason. I looked at my reflection and psyched myself up: I’m confident. I’m good.
I worked on what my introduction to him would be like. Should I talk first? Or wait for him to speak to me? Do I hug him? Or do we shake hands? And what if I trip on the way out? Oh my gosh! What if I’m a complete disaster?!
I immediately stopped rehearsing and didn’t think about anything anymore. It would be easier to just go with the flow and let it happen naturally. I became calm and started to get excited; excited to get out of the room, excited to meet the girls, and excited to meet Jason. I paced around, waiting for the knock on the door that meant we were ready to go.
The anticipation was building, and building, and building! I met the first group of girls when I got into my limo to head to the mansion. I sized them up, having no idea how big a role any of them were about to play in my life.
Wow, they’re beautiful.
I was immediately surprised that the girls were actually really nice and sweet. I have to believe we were all running through the same emotions, and it felt good to finally be able to share my feelings with other people! The anxiety I’d had about the night quickly vanished, and I began to legitimately enjoy myself.
Now this isn’t so bad! I can totally get along with these girls!
I was just getting used to what it felt like to be there, when I became nervous for a whole new reason.
I’m clearly the underdog. These four women are stunning, not to mention the other twenty women I haven’t met yet.
So I decided that my plan of attack would be to just stay in the background and do my thing. I’m definitely not overly aggressive, but I’m no wallflower. I’d also never actively pursued a guy. (Wait: well, I’d never successfully pursued a guy!)
As we got closer to our destination, the nerves started to pick up with all of us. Our limo pulled up in front and stopped. I think I felt my heart drop in my stomach. Here we go . . . No turning back now.
Meanwhile, I got my first look at Jason, who was standing outside the house. He was standing in front of the house, facing our limo. I’m not sure if he could see us in the back or not, but it was instinct for me to duck out of his line of vision!
Then I looked outside and saw him again. I convinced myself that he was just as terrified.
My heart started beating so hard as I took in all of my surroundings. I suddenly couldn’t remember what I had planned to do or say, and I was just positive that I was going to trip and fall as soon as I stepped out of the limo.
And then, before I could psych myself out anymore, the limo door opened. It felt like time had literally stopped. Every second felt like an hour.
I could feel everyone watching me. And, it didn’t help my nerves at all that I literally had to unfold myself from my seat because I couldn’t get out of the car in the ridiculous dress I had chosen to wear.
So much for taking the graceful route.
When I finally managed to extricate myself from the car, I could barely walk. Long after all of this was over, I had a chance to watch the episode, and I was mortified to see how I walked. I looked like a football linebacker: swinging the same arm with the same foot! Just what most men are looking for in a woman! I’m not sure if it was because of my nerves, or the one-size-too-small dress, but regardless it was not attractive.
I somehow made it to Jason and tried to remember the introductions I had rehearsed. There was nothing casual about it. There was no
thing elegant about it. There was nothing romantic about it. The whole situation was awkward. I managed to get through our initial hug. Maybe I had just gotten wrapped up in the show, but I definitely thought he was cute. And he seemed sweet, with this really genuine smile.
It was going pretty well, and then, well, nerves do funny things. When I tried to speak, my voice came out really high pitched, and I forgot everything I had practiced in my room.
“How are you?” Jason asked politely.
“I’m nervous,” I said. “I’m not going to lie.”
“Where are you from?”
“I’m from Dallas, Texas.”
I had a permanent, unusually large grin on my face.
“Dallas, Texas.”
“Yeah, I’m a cowgirl.”
I’m a cowgirl?!? Did I really just say that??
So much for making a good first impression. I could hardly believe I’d just said that! I was shaking as I walked into the house, and I felt like I had just made a complete idiot out of myself. I was nervous about meeting Jason and having this strange new experience, which I didn’t feel like I was handling particularly well. I needed to calm down!
But I did start to loosen up and enjoy myself. My initial reaction had been right on: the girls were all really nice, actually. And I wasn’t nervous anymore. As I looked around, I found myself thinking, If I stay, I could have fun here. This is a beautiful house. These are great girls. And I would love a little vacation.
There was a time during that first night when we all had to vote on the girl we thought was least compatible with Jason. Later, when I watched the moment on TV, I was surprised that a couple of them actually said they wanted me to go home, because they were intimidated by me. I was really thrown off by that. I was the one intimidated by them! It’s moments like these that made me feel even more grateful for the friendships I formed in the house. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine how they could have possibly been intimidated by me. Maybe that’s because although I’m a fairly outgoing person, I’m pretty shy, and I tend to keep to myself in new social situations and wait to feel the crowd out. Maybe they mistook my silence for confidence.
I wasn’t trying to overly impress Jason that night. If I had, I probably would have worn a different dress that was a little shorter, or spent a little more time on my hair and makeup. I would have whipped out the fake eyelashes. Instead I just wanted to have fun and be myself, and see what could happen. At the same time—let’s be honest—I’m sure that a part of me wanted to get his attention. I definitely didn’t want to be one of the girls he rejected. Given how low my self-esteem was after Tye, I think I wanted to see if I could get Jason interested in me.
As nonchalant as I was, I was still nervous about the Rose Ceremony. Jason was sending ten girls home, which was nearly half of us, and I hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to him at all. I was hoping our brief encounter had made him interested enough to keep me.
I kept looking around at all the other girls—the beautiful, smart, funny girls he had to choose from—and I suddenly wasn’t feeling very confident. It was hard to focus as he called the names of the girls who would be staying:
“Lauren. . .”
“Kari. . .”
[Nervous sigh.]
“Naomi. . .”
“Natalie. . .”
“Molly. . .”
[Gulp.]
“Raquel. . .”
“Stephanie. . .”
“Melissa. . .”
He said my name! He said my name! Phewwww!
I walked up to him to get my rose.
“Melissa, will you accept this rose?” he asked.
“Absolutely, thank you,” I said.
I could barely focus on the rest of the names he called, but he did also give roses to my new friends Jillian and Erica. After that, we were done. I had made it through my first night on The Bachelor. And after all the emotional highs, we were all exhausted.
Even though I hadn’t really slept, I didn’t feel tired. I think I was running on pure adrenaline. It was so exciting to be there, and I was having fun! I was making friends! Jason was cute! There you have it: The Bachelor Bubble instantly consumed me. Even though, just the day before, I had been planning to go home within the first two weeks, I was now eager to stay and see how long this adventure could last.
To be honest, I didn’t think about home at all. I didn’t think about my friends. And, finally, and most unexpectedly, I didn’t think about Tye.
six
•
LIFE IN THE BUBBLE
At this point, almost everyone had had some one-on-one time with Jason except for me. I was still staying in the background, and I hadn’t quite figured out what exactly I was supposed to do. It felt weird to start pursuing him just like that, and it’s never been my personality to wear something or do something to make a guy notice me. So I just sat back and watched the other girls in action.
But even though I was laying low, things had already changed for me. I had come onto the show thinking that I wasn’t interested in dating Jason—or anyone, really, for that matter. Now that I was there and caught up in the mood of the Bachelor Bubble, I was hoping that Jason would notice me. Ultimately, I think this happened to everyone. And once it got ahold of me, all I wanted was for Jason to realize that he hadn’t talked to me yet and pull me aside for some one-on-one time. If he didn’t, I’d soon be the only girl he hadn’t started getting to know.
All of the other girls seemed to like Jason, and so I was sure that I would, too, once I got the chance to talk to him. He was attractive. He was nice. He seemed fun. And I wanted him to like me. It was definitely exciting to have someone new to focus on, and it felt good to finally be moving on from my heartbreak over Tye.
But it was hard not to play mind games while in the house. At the first group gathering with all the girls and Jason after the first Rose Ceremony, I found myself thinking that maybe it was a good thing that he hadn’t talked to me yet. It could mean that he already knew he really liked me from what he’d seen so far, and so he didn’t want to waste his time talking to me when he could be talking to the other girls who he was still iffy about. At the same time, I realized that he could have already decided that I was one of the girls he wasn’t interested in, and so why waste time on me that he could give to the girls he liked. I really I had no idea where I stood. And in case he wasn’t interested in me, I didn’t want to pull him away and attempt to woo him when he didn’t want to be wooed—at least by me. (Do you how I was making myself crazy?? And it was only the first day!) But whether or not Jason liked me suddenly mattered to me a lot more than I had ever thought it would.
It would have seemed natural for me to be comparing Jason to Tye, but Tye was not in my thoughts at all. I’ve always had an ability to be very “out of sight, out of mind.” And Tye was definitely out of sight. I had someone new to focus on. Plus, I had the other girls to hang out with, a gorgeous mansion to live in, and no work. Life was pretty good, and I wasn’t thinking about anything (or anyone) back home.
Well, that’s not entirely true (look at me, still lying to myself . . .). During the day, I was so focused on my surroundings and Jason that I didn’t have time to think of Tye. It was a great distraction—even if it was a forced one. But during the first few nights at the mansion, when I was all alone right before I fell asleep, my thoughts had no choice but to quickly wonder what Tye was doing. Did he miss me? Was he wondering what I was doing? Did he even notice that I was gone? Or worse, was he dating other girls?
I know I had no right to wonder that last question—believe me, I see the irony considering the situation that I was in. But keep in mind, I never intended to go on the show and actually date. But those thoughts only crept into my mind when I was all alone, which was pretty rare . . . thankfully. After all, my whole goal of coming was to get away from Tye.
I have to be honest though, all thoughts of Tye completely vanished after I had my first date with Jason. That day was
a game changer for me . . . actually, looking back, it was a life changer.
When I first found out that I would have a date with Jason, I was so thrilled! It’s about time! I’ve hardly said anything to him! But I got nervous at the same time, because now the pressure was on. Technically, I had not been on a first date in . . . years! Keep in mind, that even though I had dated Tye for a year, he never officially took me on a real first date. So I was definitely worried about what to do.
Now it’s just going to be us. I have to have things to talk about. But what happens if I don’t have anything to talk about, and then we’re just stuck there, sitting in silence? Or what if he decides the date is awful, and he doesn’t give me the rose at the end?
Back when I had been in the hotel room, I would imagine how our first date would be. It’s no secret there’s some extravagance to The Bachelor dates . . . just a little. I’d hope we’d do something fun like skydiving, because that seemed less scary than having to talk to Jason the whole time. I can’t think of better proof that I wasn’t lying when I said I was bad at dating: I’d rather jump out of an airplane than make small talk!
Well, thankfully, my wish didn’t come true. We had a great romantic date on the beach where we could just talk. Well, it was mainly me talking, and Jason asking questions. He wanted to know where I was from, what I did, what I liked to do, and all of that kind of stuff. As I answered, we started flirting, and all of the sudden it was fun! I laughed a lot, and I actually started to have butterflies. I couldn’t believe it! I hadn’t expected to like him. And here I was, having a really good time and letting him into a place that nobody had been in for a very long time, because Jason let me. He wanted to be let in, so he got to a place that Tye hadn’t gotten. I had wanted Tye to go there, but he had chosen not to do so.
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