My Reality

  And, yes, while Jason and I will always have this experience that bonds us, and we will always be associated together in the public eye—people to this day still come up to me and talk about how much they hate what he did to me. I’ve turned it around and can appreciate how much Jason helped me. Again, I wish it hadn’t gone down that way, because of how it made me feel at the time. But it had to happen as it did for me to be where I am now. Not only professionally but personally as well. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about how we ended up here.

  Everyone seems to want me to feel this hatred toward Jason and Molly—him especially—and all of this anger toward both of them. But I just don’t.

  I did. Or at least I thought I did. But how could I ever be truly angry about something that ended up so great for everyone? We all hit potholes in life—and mine were definitely made public—but I’d do it all over again if it led me to the same outcome.

  Looking back at the whole debacle I realized that I don’t blame Jason. Or Molly. It was going through the process and getting wrapped up in the behind-the-scenes maneuverings that led to a few lapses in judgment. But I don’t think he’s a bad person. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I’ve heard him say, even on that show, that he just followed his heart and did what was right for him. And I truly believe that. I don’t think that he picked me just to dump me on TV and pick the other girl. And I don’t think that Molly was the type of girl who deliberately set out to do everything she could to woo him away from me and win, after he had proposed to me. I don’t think it was malicious. If I saw Molly somewhere tomorrow, I would talk to her. If I saw Jason, let’s be honest, it would probably be awkward, but I wouldn’t shun him. I do think she’s a genuinely good person. I think he’s a genuinely good guy. They both just got wrapped up in a really complicated situation, and, unfortunately, made a bad decision on national television that affected me positively and him negatively. I hate the way it happened. I absolutely hate it. I’m so embarrassed and humiliated, still, by the way it happened. And I know that to so many people, I will always be that girl who got dumped on The Bachelor. But I thank the Lord today for the way it happened. That moment literally changed everything in my life for the better, so if I had to go through that anger and embarrassment again to get to the joy and fulfillment that is my life today, that would be great by me. And I honestly do wish Jason and Molly both well.

  That said, I’ve learned through all of this that I cherish my private life. I’ve seen what making it public can do, and I think that both Jason and Molly would admit that their lives were not easy for a long time because of the limelight. It’s almost like their relationship was forced to survive because of how it all happened. A lot of people didn’t believe in the relationship. A lot of people got mad at her for immediately taking him back, or got mad at him for dumping me, and then immediately making out with her on camera. But what I know from what I went through is that I’m sure the way it appeared on TV is not the way it really happened. I’m certain they had their own courtship, off camera, just like Tye and I did. I just don’t happen to know it myself. And neither do the viewers.

  But, again, reality TV has this way of airing what it wants you to believe. And as the viewers, we tend to believe it. This caused a lot of backlash against Jason and Molly, and a lot of bad tabloid stories with headlines like “Most Hated Bachelor Ever.” I didn’t envy them for that at all. I’m sure their relationship is probably a whole lot stronger for them having gone through that bad period. But from where I’m sitting, I know that I wouldn’t want to put my relationship through that test. Tye and I have already been through the wringer, in part because of my time on reality TV, and if the only surefire way for me to guarantee that we’re going to be okay is to not let people in too much, I’m okay with that. I’m happy to have a career on TV and leave my personal life back at home. I actually prefer it that way.

  It was in January 2010, just after Tye and I got married, that I first heard that the production company Warner Horizon was developing a new show called Bachelor Pad. Now, these were the people who made The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and who had tried so hard to convince me to be their next Bachelorette. And, apparently, ABC was interested in having me cohost the show. I heard a little bit about the concept, but not really in any great detail, and then, I stopped hearing about it. I got busy with Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, and GMA, and I figured the opportunity had gone away. Then in early May of that year, I received the news that the show was definitely on, and they did want me to cohost with Chris Harrison.

  Wow! Really? What a great opportunity! I mean, first of all, it was a prime-time hosting gig. Those don’t come along very often. Second, it was on network TV, which, again, is huge. And it was cohosting with Chris Harrison, who’s a franchise name that’s known by everyone. Careerwise, why would I not jump at an opportunity like that? I knew that the public might not understand why I would go back to a franchise that they felt did me wrong, but I didn’t (and don’t) feel like I had been done wrong by them. Again, I wouldn’t even have a career in this industry if it weren’t for them. So why the heck not give this a shot?

  Come June, I moved out to LA again, for four weeks, to shoot Bachelor Pad. It was a crazy experience. I had never hosted a show before—and I had to do it alongside someone who had been hosting for years and years. Again, intimidated much? I basically just had to learn on the fly. I had a script to read, and tried to play off Chris and the contestants, but, again, it’s harder than it looks. The producers have a clear vision of what they want the show to be, and it is my job to deliver. And it was extremely intimidating!

  When we started filming, it definitely felt a little bit awkward because I had just gone through the whole process from the other side, and now they wanted me to be on their side—the production side—with Chris. It almost felt like I shouldn’t be on their side because I wasn’t above any of these contestants I had just been with. Technically, I should have been living in the mansion with all the other contestants, right? What made me qualified to stand up front with Chris and take on hosting duties? I had no idea, honestly. But I was up to the challenge and excited to learn.

  My main concern was to not step on Chris Harrison’s toes. This was, after all, his franchise. I wanted to find a place next to him that offered respect for the fact that he’s been there for fifteen seasons now. Here I was, this little old contestant who was now a cohost, and I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. And to be honest, I struggled. It was the first time I’d ever hosted anything, and so I was learning how to work off the script while also making it my own. I was also trying hard to impress the producers—ironically, the same producers who had produced me a few years prior. Being the newbie on the set, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Looking back, I would have brought more of my personality into it, but in the moment, I was terrified at every shoot we did. I just didn’t want to mess up. When they needed me, I came in, said exactly what they wanted me to say, and tried to make friends and make amends that way. And I think it worked.

  Once I relaxed, it was a fun experience. I got to see a lot of the girls I had lived with in the house and meet some of the new faces that had popped up in the past couple of years. The Bachelor franchise is really just like a big sorority or fraternity. Everybody from all of the different seasons knows one another. But I had been kept out of that loop because, after my season, I was busy working, and so I hadn’t gone to any of the reunions. It was great to be on the other side of things and get to meet these people as friends now and not as competitors.

  That was probably the strangest thing about the show, suddenly watching everything from behind the scenes, being in the control room with all eighty cameras, and hearing producers talk about all of the different backstories and why someone was crying. Meanwhile, I could look at that girl who was crying and know exactly how she felt. And even though the Rose Ceremonies were slightly different than they had been on The Bachelor, when I hosted them, I always sy
mpathized with the girls because I knew how hard their hearts were pounding. It’s been really exciting to have the chance to be in both positions; I think I’m the only person to have done that on the show.

  Although it’s easy for me to have perspective from where I stand, I know that if I went on one of these shows, even now, I would probably get wrapped up in it all over again. It’s inevitable. They’re set up in this certain way because it makes for good TV, and they’ll always be set up in that way. So even though I sometimes found myself wanting to talk sense into one of the girls on the show, who had just met some guy and immediately thought she was totally in love with him, I never judged her, because I knew exactly where she were coming from.

  You want to know my thoughts on reality television? Well, it’s as real as you want it to be. As the viewer. As the contestant. Whoever you are and however you perceive it, I’ll say it again: It’s only as real as you want it to be. Take everything with a grain of salt and realize that behind the loveable good girl or malicious villain, there is a producer just trying to make a great TV show. And heck, they do, don’t they? Don’t judge what or who you see on the television set, because there most definitely is information that you’re unaware of. Of course it’s exciting to watch reality TV and pick the people who you love, or you hate, or you love to hate. That’s part of the fun, right?

  These days, many people go on the show to get TV time and become famous. I don’t think these people will ever get their heart broken like I did because they’re just in it for themselves. But there are those handful of people, every season, who are romantics like I was. I always feel for them when I watch them go through it, especially the girls, because they’re always the ones who are so devastated when they get rejected. And I can totally understand why. It definitely makes me feel closer to them, having gone through it and been on the other side because, again, you can explain it all you want, but it won’t really make sense unless someone has actually experienced it.

  After Tye and I got married, we knew that we definitely wanted to have a semibig family, probably three kids, but we put ourselves on a three- to five-year plan. There were dreams I wanted to accomplish, places I wanted to go, and things I wanted to do. I’m Greek, and I’d always wanted to go to Greece. So Tye vowed that he’d take me to Greece before we had kids. We also planned to go backpacking through Europe and have all of the adventures we hadn’t gotten to enjoy when we were dating because of everything else that was going on. At the same time, I wanted to see where this career would take me, and Tye wanted to build up his agency even more.

  And then, as often happens, we were reminded that sometimes the universe has its own plans for how and when things will happen. About six months into our marriage, we found out that we were pregnant. It was a shock, but I suppose it’s always a shock, whether you’re planning or not. We looked at it as just another curveball we’d been thrown, and since we’d gotten pretty good at hitting those, and hitting them hard and far, we figured we’d be in good shape. And then we got really, truly happy in a way that was totally new and special for us.

  Thankfully, my pregnancy didn’t stop my career or change our lives at all. I was still been able to do what I do. Tye was still able to do what he does. We have such a great support system with both of our parents living nearby.

  Tye and I made a pact pretty early on that our family would always be the priority. As cool as my job is, and as many benefits as it brings, I’m not going to let it force me to give up any of what I’ve got at home. I would never take some multimillion-dollar deal if it meant I had to leave my family behind and go to LA. So far, Tye and I have been able to make it work by traveling out to LA a lot, usually together, and by sticking to that rule we made that we’ll never spend more than four days apart at a time.

  Home for Tye and me will always be Dallas, or at least wherever our families are. If I ever get the kind of deal that we just can’t refuse, and we have to relocate to LA more permanently, I would not be surprised if our entire family moved with us, just because that’s how important family is to us. As I have said, I do love what I do, but what keeps me grounded and keeps me sane are my home and my family. I mean, heck, we live in a house that is ten miles from my parents, two miles from his. It’s in the same area where we both grew up. It’s home. And I think when people lose their sense of that, they lose their sense of themselves.

  The few times I have lived in LA, it’s been fun. But it’s not home. And it’s a whole different world. People treat each other differently. And I can see why some people get very wrapped up in Hollywood and the paparazzi, and all of that. But I think it’s important to remember that it’s not normal. It is not normal to be followed to dinner by camera crews. And if a person who happens to be a TV personality starts getting in the mind-set that it is normal, and questioning why the paparazzi aren’t outside the restaurant today, it becomes a problem. That’s no way to live, especially because my career may go away, and I understand that. I look at how my career started, and let’s face it, I am a reality star. I’ve gotten very lucky in the opportunities that I’ve had. But I’m not naïve enough to think I’m taken care of for life. It’s not like now I’m Oprah Winfrey, and I am all set. I’m still on a gig-by-gig basis. I understand that I have to work very hard, and that even if I do, this may all go away.

  But with everything as good as it is in my personal life, I’m honestly okay if that happens. I really am. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been. If the little bit that I had at that time had gone away, I would have been an emotional wreck. But I’ve grown so much, even just since then. And now that I’ve found the peace and happiness that I’d been looking for, I can see that it’s really all I need. And so, I don’t take any of it for granted. I love my life. I love what I do. But if it goes away, and I find myself teaching preschool in a few years, I’ll be happy with that, too.

  I think the most important thing I’ve learned from all of this, which I will take with me into whatever I do next—whether it’s in the entertainment world or not—is the importance of being brave enough to take chances and try new things. When I look back, I see that if I had said no to The Bachelor, or no to Dancing with the Stars, which I considered doing in both cases, there’s a chance that I’d still be at home in my cube, still single, and feeling like my life could be so much more.

  But luckily for me, I had reached a point in my life where my motto, literally, was: Why not? The worst that can happen is that it won’t work out. And that’s okay. Just like I’ve learned it’s okay to be rejected, and it’s okay for some people not to like me. I can’t please everyone. But if I do try something new, the benefits could be fantastic.

  That said, I also know my limits. I’ve been lucky enough to get approached about all sorts of different things since Dancing with the Stars. I remember being very excited when I received a script to try to out for a part on a new sitcom. I was thinking how cool that would be. And then Tye and I read the script together, and I was practically blushing, just reading it. The character was overtly sexual, and I knew I couldn’t do it. I can be goofy and silly. I can come in and be a ditz, but I can’t do something that makes me embarrassed just thinking about it. Later, Tye and I watched the show, and it literally made me blush, so I guess I’m not the actress type. I mean, if I’m too immature to even read the script, that’s not a good sign.

  But I’m comfortable with my limitations, and I’m excited about everything that I can do. I can honestly say that I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life. And I feel really grateful. The bad times I went through definitely make me appreciate the good times now. And if I ever have little things to complain about in my life, I quickly take myself back to a few years ago and it sets me straight.

  It’s funny because there was a time in my life when it seemed like nothing would work out right. And then, starting with the time that everything made it so easy for me to go on The Bachelor, it seems like it all happened exactly as it was supposed to—even the
parts of The Bachelor and “After the Final Rose” that I would have preferred not to have gone through.

  Sometimes, even looking back from the place of happiness where I’m at now, it’s hard to believe that I ever came out on the other side. Which is why it feels a little weird when people call me a role model. During everything I went through, I was just being me. I certainly didn’t sign up to have influence and inspire people to follow my lead. But I have to figure that I must be doing something right if I’m having an impact on all of these women—and I don’t only hear from a lot of teenage girls who are going through their first heartbreak but also from a lot of women my age, and even a lot of older women. To me, that’s a huge compliment. If people can look at me and say, “I admire her because she went through this, and she came out the other end,” that makes me feel really, really good.

  Part of it is that I know that I’m not the only person who has suffered through heartbreak or public humiliation—or some combination of the two, like I did—and so I’m glad to give hope to those who are still in the early stages of dealing. You know, the stages of grief that involve a lot of tissues and couch time with good friends. But I also know that when you are weathering something rough, it’s really hard to look at somebody that’s happy, or that has successfully overcome his or her own tough times. For me, when I was heartbroken, I didn’t want to hear my married friends tell me that it would get better. So the fact that people in the depths of their pain and misery are still contacting me, and can still relate to me without wanting to gag at my good fortune, makes me feel really proud and humbled.

  That’s why I decided to tell my story; to share what I’ve been through and how it shaped me into the person I am now, which is really the person I was all along. Only I didn’t have the confidence back then to realize it. Also, I want to remind people that good times will be here again, even if it’s hard to see that from the midst of a heartbreak. Believe me, I know the hardest thing to hear when you’re heartbroken is that “time will heal all.” But it’s important to look back at the bad times and acknowledge them for the role they played in inspiring the kind of big, scary—but ultimately necessary—life changes we all need to make in order to get to the good times in our lives. Sometimes it’s the disastrous work presentation that leads to the new, better job; the eviction that leads to the dream house; the nightmare breakup that leads to true love. And I truly believe that the bad times make you appreciate the good ones that much more.