by Cj Paul
I am really sorry for what I did. I promise, nothing like that will ever happen again. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you.
My heart skips. Mom was right. David loves me.
I just wanted to make a life with you and have you as my own. I realize now that can never happen.
Wait! Don’t say that! What do you mean?
I wish you all the best and hope you are happy with that Facebook guy. I just wanted to say goodbye.
Nooooooooooo David, come back!
Please do not report this note to the police. God told me to write it to you.
Love, Geronimo
I stand confused and crestfallen and ashamed for being so, when I hear David’s car quietly approach. He’d already killed the engine and is coasting up the gravel drive.
“Claire! What are you...? Good morning.”
“Sneaking in at dawn, eh?” I tease.
“No, I...You want some breakfast? I’m cooking.”
* * *
It’s a Monday night, which means poker, pizza and perversion. Mom and David have their weekly card game with the neighbors, and I have my weekly board meeting with Alex sending me salacious messages. It’s his new favorite way to make me squirm inappropriately in the presence of others. And for the first time, I actually look forward to Monday nights.
7:36pm
Alexander Armstrong
I can't wait to learn your body, with my hands, my mouth, my cock, my hips...my lips, my tongue...all of me learning all of you, with no other goal than your perfect pleasure. And my pleasure from yours...
I'm going to take my time with you.
I'm going to master all of your erogenous spots, all of the little places that make you wild, and discover exactly how to reach you there, how to take you there.
I'm going to take you slowly. Slide inside you so perfectly, agonizingly slowly that your whole body will scream for me.
Then slide out, so slowly that every nerve inside you feels me withdraw
7:41pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Quiver
7:42pm
Alexander Armstrong
And stop, just at the edge of exit, and begin again, slooooow, touching all of you
My love, I want to make love with you. I want to do it slow, and sweet and strong and intimate. I want to become one with you, listening to every inch of your body, feeling you, heart and soul and mind and flesh – all of you.
Come for me.
Now.
7:52pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Uh oh! I gotta go. The meeting’s over and I did not get to read your last luscious message yet :(
7:56pm
Alexander Armstrong
Just know that I love you.
7:58pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Oooooooh, I just snuck a quick read, after all
and convulsed appropriately
and ‘multipley’
7:59pm
Alexander Armstrong
Mmmmmm I want to convulse you with pleasure, ‘multipley’ and endlessly.
And I will.
8:00pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Yes, Sir
The things this man does to me.
I have long made peace with all of my chakras, and my kundalini is in a constant flow of yumminess, riding waves of pleasure, love, friendship, gratitude. The list is endless, and all positive. I think Mom may have been right. Maybe I was a frigid, rigid catlady. But not anymore – no offense, Jasper and fellow cat lovers. Alex has awakened a confidence and serenity in me I never knew existed. For the first time in my life, I can say I truly like myself, without pointing out some glaring flaw that I need to work on or beating myself up for making mistakes.
I love the dynamic Alex and I have fallen into. He is the only man I’ve ever come across who could actually take the lead with me. The only one strong enough to handle the intense dynamo my friends consider me to be. I sometimes worry about being high maintenance. But April has always laughed at the suggestion, reassuring me that I’m just “unique and not a sheep.”
Same with Alex. He says, “You’re a handful, to be sure. And that’s just the way I like it. You’re formidable, Cariña. That doesn’t make you difficult. That just makes you a healthy, confident, powerful woman. And that is in great part why I love you so much, just the way you are. Don’t ever change, Sugar. You’re perfect.”
Is it any wonder I love this man? From across the country, he’s found a way to clunk me on the head and painstakingly drag me back to his cave in the Catskills. That is no small feat! And this is exactly what I want.
And exactly who I want.
I think it’s time for a trip to the east coast.
Chapter Thirty-Five8:51am
Alexander Armstrong
I just woke from the most perfect sleep.
And I wonder who that hot babe in my dream was...she looked exactly like you, had your voice, and fucked like a pornstar. Huh...
8:53am
Claire Nichole Eden
Hahahah well good morning to you too ;)
8:53am
Alexander Armstrong
Was just getting ready to write you before we leave, and as I played with the thoughts of you in my head, I became so completely fucking aroused that without a single stroke I almost came. My balls are swollen and needing release. When we have time, alone time, I'm going to take you into the dungeon, have you call me on the phone and whisper sweet, breathy perversions in my ear until I come. Be ready. Tonight. Maybe sooner, to fuck me with your voice. I'll come for you soon, my Cariña,
* * *
2:37pm
Alexander Armstrong
Come to me online, my Love.
2:37pm
Claire Nichole Eden
At last
I’ve been rereading some of our more libidinous communiques... the things you come up with Dr. Armstrong
2:39pm
Alexander Armstrong
Imagine if I were really making some focused effort, my beloved
2:40pm
Claire Nichole Eden
I dare not imagine...as I LOVE being awed and surprised...but I do wholeheartedly confess that I wish you would bring it!!!!!!!
2:42pm
Alexander Armstrong
When I do, you will come. And come. And then you'll hop on a plane.
2:43pm
Claire Nichole Eden
And THEN I'll come?
2:43pm
Alexander Armstrong
Indeed. In buckets.
2:44pm
Claire Nichole Eden
May I ask...given that you are so desirous to get me there now...why don't you just lay down your mojo hammer and work your magic to make it happen?
2:46pm
Alexander Armstrong
Because I love you, and don’t want you to come to me until you are completely ready. In every way. Because once you come, I have no intention of ever letting you leave. I get the feeling you’re not quite ready for that right now. But, I believe in my heart that I'll know when you're ready. And then I'll have you.
2:47pm
Claire Nichole Eden
How much longer do you reckon?
2:49pm
Alexander Armstrong
Haha! I love the impatience and eagerness that attends your resistance. It's a rare thing to behold.
2:50pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Just shut up and conquer me!
I've waited my whole life for this
2:50pm
Alexander Armstrong
As you wish.
* * *
3 days go by before the subject of meeting in person is mentioned again. Alex’s message arrives while I am at the ballet board meeting.
7:50pm
Alexander Armstrong
Come.
I work through a series of Pavlovian responses, making sure to keep all four feet
of my chair firmly planted on the floor. When finished convulsing clandestinely, I shoot off a reply.
7:50pm
Claire Nichole Eden
…..........When?
7:51pm
Alexander Armstrong
This Friday. I’ve booked a flight for you. Do not hesitate. Do not resist. Just pack.
And come.
Pavlov strikes again.
7:52pm
Claire Nichole Eden
Gulp......... Yes, Sir.
* * *
The countdown begins:
84 hours till take-off
I make a hair appointment.
82 hours till take-off
I make a trip to Pleasures of the Heart, a local lingerie boutique in San Rafael.
I walk out with 4 shopping bags.
I bless Mastercard.
67 hours till take-off
I shop for pet food, stocking up on enough to last the menagerie through the next millennium.
62 hours till take-off
I go to a day spa for my first waxing, Brazilian no less. I pray it doesn’t hurt.
61 hours, 30 minutes till take-off
I leave the day spa with one patch of hair removed.
61 hours till take-off
I add “New Razor” to my shopping list.
46 hours till take-off
I go to the hair appointment I made earlier in the week.
43 hours till take-off
I leave the hair salon, tossing my head and flipping my fabulous mane every chance I get.
37 hours till take-off
I pack.
24 hours till take-off
I pace, fidget and watch the clock.
12 hours till take-off
I go to bed early to ensure I am daisy fresh for my morning flight.
11 hours, 55 minutes till take-off
I smile to receive one last goodnight text and cyber kiss from Alex, before getting the real thing in person tomorrow.
Squeeeee!
ALEX: My beautiful Cariña, Varick came home from school with chicken pox today. It looks like Grace may be infected too. The house is quarantined for the next 36 hours, with no one allowed to go in or out. I am more sorry than you know, my love. And I WILL make it up to you.
11 hours, 54 minutes till take-off
I put my suitcase in the closet –
and cry.
3 days after non-take-off
Alex has good news.
ALEX: After many sleepless nights, itching and brow-mopping, the kids are out of danger. The house has been released from quarantine and we are free to rejoin the living. A pox on the pox, I say!
4 days after non-take-off
Alex has great news.
ALEX: My love, my one, my only, please dry your tears. You’ll need your eyes clear to drive to the airport. My flight arrives tomorrow at 12:50pm. I’m flying American. Come to me, Cariña. It’s time.
The night before Alex arrives
I make reservations at the White Swan Inn in the city – my favorite Bed & Breakfast.
I book a table at Cafe Mozart.
5 hours before Alex arrives
I shave – very carefully.
4 hours before Alex arrives
I inform Mom and David that I will be gone for a couple of days, and leave detailed instructions on the feeding of the menagerie.
3 hours, 30 minutes before Alex arrives
I pull my still-packed suitcase out of the closet.
3 hours, 20 minutes before Alex arrives
I try on about fourteen different outfits before settling on the one. “The One.” I smile.
2 hours, 40 minutes before Alex arrives
I do my best to put on makeup, but am shaking so much I poke my eye with the mascara brush, causing a torrent of black tears to trail down my powdered cheeks.
I wash my face.
2 hours before Alex arrives
I redo my makeup. Grrrrrrrrrr.
1 hour, 45 minutes before Alex arrives
I curl my hair.
1 hour, 30 minutes before Alex arrives
I throw the pile of tried-on clothes in my closet.
I take a deep breath.
1 hour, 15 minutes before Alex arrives
I head for the airport.
20 minutes before Alex arrives
Once parked and in the terminal, I check the arrivals board. Flight #247 from JFK... CANCELLED due to unseasonal weather.
I drive to the White Swan alone. It’s too late to cancel the reservation, and I’d rather be out the money than have to explain to Mom.
I order a pizza to be delivered, grab a box of Kleenex and wallow away the evening.
Chapter Thirty-SixMy emotional life is a catastrophe, and it shows. My eyes are constantly swollen from crying. I rarely smile. I miss Alex so much it hurts. Coming so close to seeing him in the flesh and then not getting to is more of a tease than I can bear – much more so than before we started making plans. I feel nauseated most of the time, and even Ben & Jerry are scratching their heads as to how to restore my appetite.
Mom has all but taken over my entire show, and frankly, I couldn’t care less. The other day a caller actually gave me advice. This roller-coaster ride has got to stop. And I know I’m the only one who can pull the brakes. Things with Alex have never been better, as far as how we get along. Months into knowing him, I still think he is absolutely perfect – at least, perfect for me.
There is only one glitch...more like three thousand of them – the miles between us. There really is no getting around it. One of us would have to move. He can’t because of his kids, with whom he is very involved. Not only does he have them at his place fifty percent of the time, but he also makes trips into the city a few times a week for their games, recitals, and any and all special occasions. In short, he’s a loving and attentive father, and I find that incredibly attractive. For my part, I can’t leave either. While Mom would be just as happy if I abandoned her to David’s care, really, that’s not an option.
* * *
Teleportation. I see no other alternative. Either that or pinch The TARDIS.
* * *
How could something so perfect and wonderful turn so utterly miserable? We’re coast-crossed lovers, that’s how.
* * *
3 thousand miles = 3 million tears.
* * *
I can’t take this anymore. Period.
Chapter Thirty-SevenI broke up with Alex today.
No, I don’t want to talk about it.
Chapter Thirty-EightThings have been friendly, but a tad frosty, between me and David. Sure, we’re having fun. Life with him is always fun. And Mom has taken to smiling so naturally she now does it without trying, and often! The show is a smash hit and I am beginning to attract additional sponsors. Mom, of course, makes it clear that the success is all thanks to her involvement. Who knows? Maybe she’s right!
The menagerie is in fine fettle, and David is teaching Persephone how to use an iPhone. Daphne follows Mom everywhere she goes and I would swear they occasionally race one another. The birds have started singing Foo Fighter songs, also thanks to David. And Jasper is happy to have me all to himself – if he’s in the mood.
I’m pretty sure David knows something is up with me and Alex. More accurately, something is over. Mom senses I am heartbroken and is acting like Mary Sunshine – not so much to bolster my spirits, but more to show David what an upbeat, fun person she is in comparison to me. Gee, thanks Mom.
* * *
David is a real trooper. The menagerie all but trashed his car last time he transported them to Redwood Meadows with Mom, but at her request, he’s doing it again. She’s decided to take another mini-vacation, which means that David and I will be alone in the house together for the first time since Mom moved in. It’s more likely I’ll be alone, as he has been spending more and more time away from home. I wonder why he doesn’t just move out, and suspect it’s most likely for Mom’s sake.
It will be odd being home without Mom or David or the menagerie. Come to think of it, the last time I was truly alone was the night that Nimo attacked me. I shudder at the thought, and feel apprehensive about my potential solitude over the next few days. Before, I had Alex to keep me company virtually. Now, I’m left with no one but me, myself and I, and we have been butting heads and hearts for months now. Whereas I used to prefer to be alone, now I almost dread it.
David stays out after dropping Mom off. I watch some movies online as I work, just to have some noise and company. I stay up until my dozing, bobbing head becomes too annoying. Tentatively, I go to lie down, paying far too much attention to every leaf moving outside and every creak of the house within.
Miraculously, I sleep through the night and awake to find the place deserted. For the first time in my life, I feel truly lonely. And for the umpteenth time in several weeks, I am once again a sobbing mess.
The sun sets without a sign of David. I make the usual number of portions for dinner, forgetting that with David and Mom gone, it will all be for me. If I’d thought about it sooner, I would’ve made the tacos spicier. My mind flashes back to the days, less than a year ago, when I would cook just once a week, relishing the leftovers and hoarding them all to myself. I can’t even fathom my former mindset any more, or life, for that matter.