“Don’t ask me to convince him to back away from this, Alice, because that’s not going to happen. You hear me, Alice Brackman? We’re not going away.”
She’s so stubborn, but I love her so much for that. “No, that’s not what I was going to ask.”
“Okay then. Ask away, and I’ll do everything in my power to do whatever you need.”
I breathe out an exasperated breath. “I need you to make sure you help him through this, after I die.”
“What?” she whispers in a small voice. She runs both her hands over her face, then slowly through her long silky hair. “What are you asking me?”
“You two are both going to need someone to lean on. And I want you to lean on each other, be there for each other.”
“What about your parents?”
“My parents have each other. And I want you and Elijah to have each other too.”
“Eww,” she cringes. “I don’t like him like that.”
I smile and even let out a small chuckle. “That’s not what I meant.” However, if it happens, I’d be more than okay with that too. “I just mean you’re both going to be going through the same thing, so you have to promise me, you’ll lean on each other. Just be there for each other. Because I can’t imagine how hard this is going to be, for you . . . Elijah . . . or my parents.”
Becky looks down at the small patch of grass we’re sitting on. She runs her hand over the spiky blades and considers what I’ve asked of her. “Okay.”
I lean in and hug her. “You’re my best friend, Becky. I love you so much. But the thing tearing me up the most is knowing the hurt I’m going to leave behind. I know you don’t have anyone else you can count on. I want to make sure you’re going to be okay.”
She kisses me on the cheek and nods. “I can do that.” She pulls back and looks at me with a smile. “I can do it for you.”
“But . . .”
“What now?” she says in a sassy tone. There’s my best friend. Snarky Becky.
“Don’t tell Elijah. We know how guys have got delicate egos. If he knows he might go all ‘I don’t need your help’ and try to be macho. So please, don’t tell him.”
Becky chuckles and nods her head. “Okay. Pinkie promise.” She holds out her pinkie for me.
“What are we, like ten?”
“Pinkie promise me or it’s a no go.” She shoves her pinkie closer to me.
“You’re a pain in the ass; you know that, right?” I link our pinkies and we shake on it.
“Would you have me any other way? Actually, don’t answer that.” I chuckle and Becky wraps her arms around me again and brings me in for a tight hug. “I love you,” she mutters.
“I know.” We let go and look toward the back of the house when we hear the back door open. Elijah stalks toward us and smiles. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the smile on Becky’s face; and I can’t help but think; will my best friend and boyfriend make a good couple?
“What’s happening with you and Laurie?” I ask as Elijah comes over and settles down in front of me.
“Laurie who?” Becky asks then laughs.
“Your Laurie.”
“He ain’t my Laurie any more. I dumped him a few days ago,” she casually replies.
“What? Why? He’s a good guy, I like him,” Elijah butts in to ask.
“You know.” She shrugs her shoulders and looks back down to the grass. “He was just a bit of fun.”
“Huh?” I wonder aloud. “What do you mean? I thought you liked him.”
“I did, until he told me he loved me. I’m not into commitment on that level. So I told him it wasn’t working out and we should see other people.”
“Oh shit, you did not say that, did you?” I ask, gaping at her in disbelief.
“Hell yeah, I did.” She nods. “I’m just not into him like that. It’s unfair to continue considering he told me he loved me.”
Elijah puts his hand on my thigh and squeezes. “If it’s not right, then you have to do what you have to do.” He’s looking at me, as if he wants to say so much more, but doesn’t.
“All this crying is giving me a headache.” Becky stands and wipes the grass off her butt. “I need to pee, and I need some water. You thirsty?” she asks me, then Elijah.
“I’ll have a bottle of water, please,” I answer. Elijah holds up two fingers and smiles at Becky.
“I’ll see if your mom has any Tylenol. I’ll be back in a minute.” She leaves us and heads inside.
There’s a silence between us, and I can tell Elijah wants to say something. “Elijah,” I start as I watch one of the leaves from an overhanging branch dance with the wind.
“Yeah?”
“I want to do a lot of things before I die.”
“Like what?” He grips my hand and gently runs his thumb over my tender skin.
“I don’t know yet.” I chuckle. “But I know I want to ride a horse. And maybe go on a hot air balloon ride.”
“I can arrange that.”
“Good, because I want to do these things with you, and Becky, and my parents.”
“Don’t forget your white Christmas.”
Suddenly, a heaviness surrounds us. I’m not going to make it to Christmas. I don’t think I’ll even make it to Thanksgiving. “Elijah, I’m not going to see a white Christmas.”
“Shit,” he breathes in a small voice.
“It’s okay. We’re all going to have to adjust to this. It’s not something that’s easy for anyone. Well . . .”
“Who’s this easy for, Alice?”
“It’s not easy for me, but it’s easier for me than for the rest of you. Because once I’m dead, I’m gone. You all have to stay behind and pick up the pieces. You have to help Becky through this. She’s going to need you most when I go. She’s not going to cope, and she’ll fold into herself.”
“I’ll do anything you want me to do, Alice. Anything, just tell me.”
“All I want is for you to be there for her. She’s not going to be okay. I’m the closest thing she’s ever had to a sister, after her mom died she struggled. I need to make sure you’re there for her, no matter what she says or does.”
“Says or does? What do you mean by that?”
“She’s going to get mad, she’s going to cry, and she may even blame herself. Please, I’m begging you, Elijah, I need you to be gentle with her, and stick by her.”
“I’ll do that.”
“Please, please, please, be patient with her. And for the love of God, do not tell her I told you this.”
He laughs at me and shakes his head. “I promise, I won’t say anything and I also promise I’ll keep an eye on her.”
“You two are my best friends. And I want to make sure you have each other.”
“Lucky she’s a cool chick then.” Elijah’s handsome face smiles at me. The stubble on his chin makes him look older than seventeen, the dark circles under his eyes tell me how much he’s been worrying. Hopefully now, I can set his heart at ease.
I’m going to die, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop this freight train from coming to its final destination.
The past few days have been difficult. Just when I think we’re all okay, something happens and the tears run freely. Elijah and Becky have been here every minute of the day, only leaving when I get tired and need to rest.
But they’re here virtually from the time I wake.
At the moment, I’m lying in bed listening to the voices in the family room. Dad’s taken some time off work and has been home since we were given the news. I can hear my Dad talking with Becky. I’m not sure where Mom is, but I can’t imagine she’ll be too far away.
The murmurs are low, but I can still make out a few words here and there. Words like ‘funeral’ and ‘death’ and ‘love’ are all being thrown around. I then hear Becky crying, and Dad consoling her.
My heart fills with so much love for them. Dad’s gentle nature is calming a frantic Becky. She’s going to need them so much when I’m gone,
and she’s going to need Elijah too. I hope they both keep their promises to me and lean on each other.
I stay in bed until I hear the crying stop. I don’t want to walk out there and trigger another round of tears. I’m not being callous, but I want them to learn to deal with the pain of losing me; it might make it easier when I’m gone.
As I lay in bed I hear our car pull into the driveway. The door closes, and there’s the distinct rustle of plastic bags from the store. The front door opens, then closes and Mom calls, “I’m home. Is Alice awake yet? Oh, hi Becky.” Seconds pass and I can hear more murmuring.
It’s time I get up.
I sit up in bed and notice tingles in my right foot shooting all the way up, from my little toe all the way to my hip. “Shit,” I mutter to myself. I try and stamp it out, but it stays a lot longer than any other time I’ve had it. “You can’t go out there like this, Alice,” I say to myself. If they see me struggling, they’re going to break down. I can’t have them cry for me anymore.
It takes almost a full five minutes before the tingling subsides and I get feeling back in my foot and leg. I go to the bathroom, and once finished, head out to the family room. “Good morning,” I announce as I enter. Dad’s sitting in his chair watching TV alone.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He jumps up off the seat, giving me a hug and kissing my forehead. “How are you feeling?”
Tired. “I’m really good.”
“Sweetheart, is that you?” Mom calls from the kitchen.
“Yes, Mom.” I head into the kitchen where Becky is sitting at the table watching Mom who’s got a lot of vegetables, fruits and nuts on the breakfast bar. “What’s going on?” I pick up a green bunch of something and sniff it. “What’s all this?”
“I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve discovered if you put superfoods into your body then we may have a chance of . . .” She looks at me, and her eyes widen. “I mean, we have to try.”
I nod my head as I look at the array of foods. “So what’s here?”
“Well, I’m going to start making everyone a smoothie to drink every day. And we’re going to cut out a heap of foods. No more cheeses, processed meats and refined sugars. A lot more kale.” She points to what I’m holding. “Walnuts, tomatoes, broccoli . . . all the good foods we should be eating.”
I exhale a breath and look toward Becky. If this is what’s going to get Mom through the next few months, then I’m completely prepared to cooperate. “Okay, sounds good.” I sniff the kale again and scrunch my nose. It looks so coarse. I can’t imagine it’ll taste any better.
“I’m making you a smoothie.” She gets the blender out, placing a heap of berries, some natural yogurt and oranges in it. When she blends it all together, she gives me a glass, and offers some to Becky.
I sip it, slightly skeptical, but once I try it, I like the flavor. “Yum,” I say to Mom as I sip some more.
“Yeah, it’s good, Mrs. B,” Becky says as she drinks hers.
“Mom,” I say when I finish my smoothie.
“Yes, sweetheart. Do you need something? Are you okay?” Mom flies into panic mode, her eyes roaming over me making sure I’m alright.
“I’m fine. But I think I’m going to call Miss Lauren and have her come over today so I can tell her about my cancer.”
Mom takes a deep breath and looks down at the kitchen counter. She begins to make piles of the fruits and vegetables with tears glistening in her eyes. She swallows once, then nods her head. I have a feeling if she tries to speak, she’s going to cry.
I go and put my glass in the sink. Wrapping my arms around Mom, I give her a tight hug. Her body vibrates slightly against mine, and I know she’s crying. “I’m going to take a shower. Then I’ll call Miss Lauren.” I swing around to see Becky with her own eyes downcast. She’s playing with her fingers, avoiding us. But I know she can’t look at me in this moment, because she is close to tears, too.
I go to the bathroom and take a shower, and when I come out I notice how exhausted I am. I might be really tired, but I have to push past it and not have them worry about me any more than they already do.
Once inside my bedroom I sit on the edge of my bed, still wrapped in one of our oversized, fluffy towels. My shoulders drooping, I grab my phone from the nightstand. First, I send Elijah a text to let him know I’m awake, and he responds telling me he’ll be here soon.
Then I dial Miss Lauren’s number. The phone rings out, but I dial it back right away. She needs to know why I’ll no longer be at dancing lessons. I mean, it’s been such a huge part of my life that to drop it all together demands me tell telling her the truth.
When I call her the third time, she answers the phone in an irritated voice. “Who is this and what do you want?”
“Um, Miss Lauren it’s Alice.”
“What do you want, Alice?” she snaps at me.
“Can you come and see me today please? I need to talk to you.”
“Alice I don’t make it habit to visit my students. Unless you’ve got something important to tell me, then I won’t be wasting my day coming to see you.”
I can’t tell her over the phone. Telling someone you have only weeks to live is not a ‘phone’ conversation. “Miss Lauren, I can’t tell you why, but I need you to come to my home today. Around noon will be fine.” I don’t give her the option to say no again.
She grumbles into the phone then says, “I’ll be there at noon.” Then hangs up before she says anything else.
I have to smile, because her hanging up on me is typical behavior for Miss Lauren. She’s tough and stern. I quickly get dressed and head out to the family room. When I sit down, I yawn and rub my eyes. I’m already tired and I only woke about an hour ago. I suppose, that’s what cancer will do to you. Suck the life out of you slowly. But I won’t let it start to take me yet, it’s not time.
“How are you feeling?” Dad asks when I plonk down beside him.
“I’m okay, I’m just tired.”
“Do you want to have a rest?” I look at Dad and tilt my head down while raising my eyebrows. One side of his lips pull up in a smirk. He drags his arm over my shoulder and pulls me into his body. “That’s my girl.” He kisses me on the forehead.
There’s a knock on the door, and I start to stand, but Dad places his hand on my shoulder and shakes his head.
He goes to answer it, and Elijah walks in, holding a heart-shaped candy box. “Hello,” I say as I go to stand.
“Stay there.” He leans down and kisses me chastely on the lips. “These are for my princess,” he says as he hands me the candy.
Damn it, Mom said no refined sugars. It’s not like I feel like having any, but I know how hurt Elijah will be when Mom confiscates them.
“Good morning, Elijah,” Mom announces when she comes into the family room, followed by Becky. Mom’s eyes go to the heart shaped box in my hand and they widen. “Alice.” She pointedly looks toward the box.
“Elijah bought them for me.” I try to convey to her to not say anything because it could hurt his feelings. “Isn’t it sweet?” Please say yes and let me have one.
But of course, it doesn’t matter what I’m trying to convey to Mom. I have to worry about the other person in the room . . . Becky.
“Your mom said no refined sugars, so I’ll be taking that, thanks.” She leans over and snatches the box out of my hands.
“Hey,” I protest and look at Elijah who’s got a horrified, pained look on his face. His eyes and mouth are both wide.
Mom follows the snatch, and even quicker grabs it back and hands it to me. “One won’t hurt.” Mom winks at me, then smiles at Elijah.
“Refined sugar?” Elijah repeats. “What have I missed?”
“Mom wants us all eating healthier, which includes removing refined sugars and processed foods from our diets.” I hold up the box indicating candy as part of the refined sugar.
“Why?” he asks then looks to Mom.
Mom’s smile drops slightly, she looks do
wn, but I can see the tears glimmering in her eyes. “Because I’m sick, Elijah. And she wants us to change our eating habits to help me and all of us.”
Elijah’s now the one to look down at his hands, and I can tell he feels like an idiot. “Right, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s okay, son,” Dad says and claps a gentle hand to his back.
Suddenly the tension in the air is stifling, and I want to crawl under a rock and disappear until the mood shifts again. Luckily there’s a knock on the door and we’re all saved from the heavy, awkward silence caused by the reminder of my future. Of all our futures.
“I’ll get it,” Mom says and goes to open the door.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Elijah whispers to me.
“It’s fine.” I grab hold of his hand and link my fingers through his. “One won’t hurt.”
“Yeah . . .” He looks down to the candy box and forces a fake smile on his handsome face. His gray eyes are dark, and the circles below them make them look even more haunted. He’s worried, and I wish there was a way to help him through. But the fact is, I can’t help anyone through this, all I can do is try to make these months no more difficult then they’re already going to be.
Miss Lauren walks into our family room, her eyes going straight to me. She furrows her brow slightly, and steals a look around at my family. “Alice,” she says in her controlled and cold voice.
“Miss Lauren, thank you so much for coming.”
She looks so beautiful. Her face is flawless. The way she’s applied her make-up is perfect. Her hair is loose and cascades over her shoulders, while her clothes are impeccable. They’re ironed, and fitted to her petite body. She is, in every sense, an extraordinary woman, a true prima ballerina.
“Would you care for a drink?” Mom asks as she drags in a chair from the kitchen and places it opposite me.
Miss Lauren looks around the room, assessing us all. “No, I’m fine, thank you,” her speech is as immaculate as she is. Her words are clear and crisp, just like she is. No nonsense.
“Miss Lauren,” Mom starts in a strangled voice, but I clear my throat and shake my head at her. I need to tell her this.
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