“Morning,” I say with as much cheer as I can muster.
Mom sits on the side of my bed, her worried eyes looking me over. “Are you feeling okay?” She tucks some hair behind my ear, clearing the strands off my face.
“I’m great.” My voice sounds like how I feel. Flat. Lifeless. Tired.
“Would you like a smoothie?” She tilts her head to look at me.
“I’m actually not very hungry. Can I have a sip of water please?” My appetite is now virtually non-existent. I know if I don’t eat, my body will starve its self to death. But I also know my time is near.
“You need to eat something, sweetheart. I’ll bring you a few berries, nuts?”
I scrunch my mouth tight, but Mom is right, I do need to eat. “I’d like a shake please.”
A genuine smile of relief floods her. “Do you want me to bring it in?”
“No, I need to go to the bathroom, so I’ll come out when I’m done.”
“Okay.” She bends and kisses my forehead, and leaves.
Thankfully this gives me a few minutes to try and make my feet cooperate with my body. Shaking them for a few moments, I try to get rid of the tingling feeling. But it’s not easing up. “God damn it, just fucking work.” I slowly sit up in bed and punch my legs to work properly.
A queasy tightness in my stomach starts bubbling away. My entire body shivers with cold as my head spins slightly.
“Shit,” I mumble. The black dots start dancing. “Mom!” I try to call as the dots form a dense blanket before my eyes.
“Sweetheart,” I hear Dad’s voice rushing into my room.
“Help me up,” I beg as I try and launch myself into an upright position.
“Alice,” Dad’s voice is filled with panic.
Standing is the worst thing I could do. My heart tightens in my chest, beating erratically, while my eyes roll back in my head. I feel a cold draft from somewhere that causes me to shiver, but the shiver escalates to something much more sinister. My body shuts down, every nerve, every muscle, every blood drop freezes.
“Call the ambulance! She’s having a seizure.”
Total darkness.
“It’s almost time. I’m afraid there isn’t anything we can do for her,” the deep voice says.
Mom cries, and her hand tightens around mine. Opening my eyes, I see Doctor Wesley and my parents in a sterile hospital room.
“You have to help her, please,” my Dad shamelessly begs. His voice is filled with desperation and a raw need.
“Mom . . . Dad.” They both turn to look at me.
“Hi, darling,” my Dad says and comes to stand beside me near my head. He plays with my hair, dusting it away from my face.
“Alice, I’m really happy you’re still with us.” The doctor smiles at me.
“Can I ask a question?” My voice sounds rough. My throat feels like it’s filled with dry gravel. Man, it hurts. Doctor Wesley nods his head. “How much longer do I have?”
Mom gasps, and Dad shakes his head. “Doctor Wesley is going to help you. You have a lot of time left.”
“Dad, please let him answer.” I look at him. “Tell me the truth, Dr. Wesley.”
“A few days, a week at best.”
Mom cries, her breathing deep and broken. I try and flex my hand, giving her comfort. “I want to go home.”
“I have to advise against it, Alice. Here, we can keep an eye on your medication, make sure you’re comfortable.”
“I’m not in pain,” I lie. “I want to go home.” I turn to my parents and say, “Unless having me die at home is too hard for you. Then I’ll stay here.”
“No way, you’re not staying here. We’ll take you home.” Dad looks to the doctor, who nods his head.
“I’ll give you some heavier pain medication, in case the pain gets to be too much, Alice.” He’s persisting about the pain. But I can be just as stubborn.
“I’m not in pain.”
He smiles at me. His eyes tell me he knows I am in pain, and I am. But I refuse to let my parents see it. I refuse to let cancer beat me. I will die fighting with my head held high.
Becky and Elijah are sitting on the end of my bed. Becky’s crying, and Elijah’s trying to console her.
They’re perfect together and for each other. I want them to lean on each other, and hopefully, open their hearts to one another.
“I need you two to make me a promise.”
Becky and Elijah look up at me. “What is it?” Elijah moves from Becky so he’s holding my hand. He gently rubs his thumb over the back of it, but the pins and needles makes it difficult for me to feel. I don’t tell him that though. I want him to know how much I love his touch, not that the cancer has finally claimed the most basic of pleasures . . . his touch.
“My parents aren’t going to handle this well. I need you both to promise me you’ll check in on them and help them through.”
Becky shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. “We . . .”
“It’s my dying wish. I need you both to look after them, to see that they don’t fall apart, and they finally move on to find happiness in their hearts again. Please, I need to know you’ll both look after them for me.”
“Of course.” Elijah blinks crazily, tears threatening to fall from his hardened gray eyes.
“Anything for you,” Becky responds, moving so she’s holding my other hand.
I wish I could feel them. To feel their warmth, their love through their touch.
“You’re both my soul mates.” I close my eyes and let exhaustion take me into a deep slumber.
They say a person has a death rattle in their chest just before they’re going to die. Apparently, that’s their soul trying to escape. I’m not sure if it’s true, but what I do know is something inside of me says I only have a matter of hours to live.
My eyes are closed. It’s more comfortable for me this way. Sometimes I open them and find Mom and Dad, or Elijah and Becky next to my bed. As I open them now, I slowly turn to my left and see Elijah, then gently I turn to my right and find Becky. They’re never too far; they’re always close to me.
I don’t want them to remember me like this. A weak, frail girl. A shadow of who I really am. I want them to remember me happy, the glue who held us together.
“You can’t be here,” I manage to whisper to them.
“We’re not going anywhere,” Elijah leans over to say to me.
“Nowhere,” Becky adds to Elijah’s words.
“I can’t have you here.” For the last couple of days, it’s been hurting me to talk. It takes so much energy, and makes me want to sleep after struggling with a sentence or two. But I know this will be the last time I’ll ever see Becky and Elijah or hear their voices again. “Now is the time to celebrate me.”
“We can’t leave you,” Becky says, and sucks back a sob accompanying the heavy tears cascading down her face. “You can’t leave us.” She wipes at her wet cheeks as more tears quickly replace the ones she’s wiping away.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Elijah says through a croaky, tight voice.
“I can’t keep moving my head. Please stand together.” I keep my head turned in Elijah’s direction, and Becky soon joins him. When she’s standing beside him, they both clasp my hand. I look down to where our hands are joined together. We’re one. The three of us are one person. “Look,” I say as I weakly try to lift my weighted arm. “We’re one. We’ll always be together.”
Elijah lifts his free hand and wipes his tears. Becky’s trying to breathe through hers. “Together . . . always,” Elijah says.
“It’s time for you to go and celebrate me.”
“We can’t leave you,” Becky stumbles through her heavy crying.
“You’ll never leave me. You both will always be here.” I struggle with my heavy arm, but I bring it up to touch my chest. “Now go . . . and dance for me.”
Becky and Elijah let the tears freely fall. They know I’m trying to get them to leave, I don’t want them to r
emember me at my worst, I want them to have a vivid picture of me at my best.
“We can’t leave,” Elijah says through his dense sobs. “We just can’t.”
“Please, Alley-cat, let us stay,” Becky begs me.
My chapped lips draw up in a weak smile. Even in death I know I’ll always have Becky and Elijah looking out for me.
“It’s time,” I say. “When you see a beautiful leaf glide through the sky, know it’s me showing you I’m okay.”
“Don’t leave us . . . just fight for us,” Elijah howls.
“I am fighting for you. Now it’s time to let me go. It’s time to say goodbye.”
My eyes flutter shut, and I know there’s not much more time left for me here. “I love you.” Becky’s lips touch my forehead. “You’ll always be my sister.”
“I love you so much, Alice,” Elijah’s deep, gruff voice says, and I feel his warm lips on mine.
I drift off into sleep.
“Mom, Dad,” I mumble as my eyes flicker open and quickly close because the light is too bright. “Too . . . much . . . light.”
“Close the blinds,” I hear Mom say to Dad. “Are you in pain, sweetheart?” Mom asks me.
There’s so much love in my room. I can feel it radiating off Mom and Dad.
“No.” I open my eyes again, and both Mom and Dad are wrapped together in a tight embrace. They move to the bed, and each is holding my hand. They’re both crying. “It’s okay to cry. Just don’t cry for too long.”
My physical body is aching now. My limbs are heavy, my breath is labored, and I know now is my time.
“Baby,” Mom says as she rushes onto the bed to hold me. “Just one more day, please give us one more day . . . Please . . .”
“I’m not hurting anymore.” It’s a lie, everything is painful and sore. Just breathing is difficult, but I don’t want my parents to know. I don’t want them to remember their only daughter dying in pain. “You have to love each other forever.”
“Please, no. No . . . we can’t go on . . . please, Alice,” Dad begs in a painfully heavy voice.
“You have to love each other . . . forever.” Breathing is getting more challenging. My eyes keep closing and opening. There’s a white, cloud-like haze around Mom and Dad for the few seconds when I open my eyes.
“No,” Mom cries. “Just stay with us, Alice. Stay another day. One more day. Please, darling, stay. We need you, we need you to stay with us.”
“I have to close my eyes, Mom.”
“No! NO!” she wails. “You can’t go.”
“I love you, sweetheart,” my Dad says and he kisses my cheeks.
“No. She’s not dying, she’s going to live,” Mom cries. “I love you,” she manages to whisper, finally accepting my end.
“I love . . .”
Peace. Beautiful, white, serene peace.
Warm love surrounds me. Happiness is all around. Pure joy and utter contentment embrace me. Kind hands of light guide me to where I now belong. My place is no longer on earth; I’m free. Free from hurt, free from sadness, and finally free from cancer. I am now one with the world. Earth, air, fire, and water.
My eyes close and I take my last breath.
The crematorium is packed with people. Alice’s mom and I are walking in, tightly huddled together, while her dad, Elijah, my dad, my brother, Laurie, and our school principal all carry Alice’s coffin in behind us. The room is filled with sobs and ‘Time to Say Goodbye’ is softly playing in the background. The longer it plays, the stronger the crying coming from everyone becomes.
When we sit at the front seats, they walk past us and place the coffin on a set of metal rollers in front of a cavity built into the wall.
There is a giant lump constricting my breathing, but I push past it because today’s not about me. It’s about the most selfless person I’ve ever known.
When they’ve carefully placed the coffin in front of the cavity, my eyes are glued to it. How is it possible that someone who’d always been so full of life, so large in personality and love, has been confined to fit inside this tiny wooden box?
Someone stands, and starts to speak. His voice is steady, but low. I flick the person a quick glance, and notice it’s a priest. But I can’t bring myself to tune in to him. I can’t take my eyes off the coffin. It’s so small.
A tear rolls down my cheek and my hands shake from knowing I’m going to have to go through the rest of my life without my best friend. My sister.
The priest’s words are like white noise in the background. Mrs. Brackman’s crying drags me out of the haze I’m in. I look to my side, and she’s cuddled into Mr. Brackman’s side. His arm is draped around her, while he has his own tears streaming down his face.
Reaching into my pocket, I take a small packet of tissues out and hand her one. She grasps it, along with my hand and gives me a reassuring squeeze. But there’s nothing reassuring about what’s happening here. Today we lay to rest the most beautiful girl ever to live.
Detangling my hand from hers, I take a tissue out of the packet for myself. A warm arm hooks around my shoulders and drags me closer to him. I didn’t even realize Elijah was sitting beside me. His own tears are flowing freely as we huddle together and try to listen to the service.
But I can’t take my eyes off the coffin.
Mr. Brackman stands and speaks. His words are filled with love, emotion, and regret that he’s lost the most perfect daughter in the world. Mrs. Brackman holds onto me, and I try my hardest not to crack. But it doesn’t matter how much I try and hold the tears in, with every word spoken, and Alice’s coffin blatantly staring at us all, the tears freely fall.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper to Elijah. “I can’t be without her.”
“You have to. We all do. She doesn’t want us to stop living.”
Choking back my sadness, I dig deep and pull my shoulders back. She wants us to live. For her.
Mr. Brackman finishes talking, and comes back to the seat beside his wife, who’s now a complete wreck. The priest stands again, and speaks some more. His words are beautiful, speaking of love and heaven and how Alice is now happy because she’s no longer in pain.
I want to scream at him and tell him he has no right to talk about her like he knows her. I want to run to the coffin and throw myself on it, begging Alice to come back to me. To give me one more day, one more hour, even one more minute so I can tell her how much I love her, and how she’ll always be in my heart.
Elijah holds me tightly. He’s the only thing stopping me from crawling in her coffin, and holding onto her with everything I have. I just need her to come back. To smile at me, and tell me everything will be okay.
The priest invites me to stand so I can give my eulogy. The words I’ve spent hours penning do Alice no justice.
Standing, I straighten my black pants, and my black sweater. I take the paper out of my pocket and head to the front. But before I turn to address the people who’ve gathered, I go straight to Alice’s coffin. Standing in front of it, I stare at the framed photo of Alice, dancing on pointe in her ballet tutu, that’s perched on top.
“I love you so much,” I whisper. Leaning down, I hug the coffin. It’s crazy. I know she’s in there, and I know she’s not hurting anymore. That alone should make me happy. But I’m far from happy. I’m wrecked. Utterly destroyed. I’ll never share a connection like the one I had with Alice with anyone else in my life.
With big fat tears streaming down my face, I give her photo a kiss, the last one I’ll ever be able to share with her.
Warm arms hug me tightly, and I turn to see Elijah’s face right here next to me. “It’s okay,” he says. “She knows how much you’re going to miss her.”
I throw my arms around him, forgetting everyone else in the room and I cry into his chest.
Minutes pass, and I pull myself together. I have something I need to say to her before she leaves me forever.
“Thank you,” I say to him. His strength means so much to me in this most
vulnerable moment in time.
He smiles at me, though the sadness in his eyes tells me he’s barely hanging on to his own sanity.
“Are you able to go on?” he asks.
No! I’m not. But I will, for Alice. I nod and offer him a small smile. “I am.” He leaves and goes to sit, watching me carefully. His eyes on me give me comfort, because I know he’s ready to step in and hold me if I break down again.
I clear my throat and look around the room. I didn’t notice the number of people here. They’re lining the walls and spilling over outside. Our entire high school is here, along with all the teachers. The community has banded together, all supporting each other.
“I sat down to write this for Alice.” I hold up the piece of paper. “But truthfully, I didn’t know what to say.” I swallow the deep lump in my throat. “I wrote this because Alice means so much more to me than any word written on any page. I wrote you a song, Alice.” I turn to look at the coffin, and it’s like I can see her sitting on top of it. She smiles at me, and then she nods. Clapping her hands together she encourages me. She’s always been my biggest fan. “Dance while you sleep,” I whisper, and blow her a kiss.
Turning back to the front I breathe in and pull myself together. Closing my eyes, with a broken voice, I sing the words I couldn’t say:
You’ve been by my side
As little girls
In our precious world
With cheeky smiles
You held my hand
We played under your tree together
Now you’re gone, now you’re gone
You always knew what to do
What to say,
How to dress,
How I miss your smile
You’ve been by my side
Souls entwined
Now you’re an angel in the sky
Dance while you sleep
While I stand here in wonder
Let your soul free like you dance in your dreams
Dying Wish Page 27