“I see Alice up there,” Elijah whispers to me.
He feels it too. “Yeah.” He kisses my forehead, and drags me even closer to him. The closeness we’re sharing is personal, so intimate.
Guilt burns at me. I shouldn’t be having these feelings. But I simply can’t help it.
I like him. So much it hurts not to be with him.
God, this is screwed up.
I’m so screwed.
This is so wrong. How she feels against me is wrong. I shouldn’t be wanting her. But I can’t help it.
The moment the ballerina started, I could see Becky’s reaction from the corner of my eye. I was trying to watch the ballerina, but Becky became my main priority. I saw exactly what she was feeling. There was no need for her to speak. Her body tensed, she held her breath and a tear clung to her cheek. I pulled her into my side and entwined our fingers together. I’ve never held her hand like that before. This felt more intimate and I fought with everything inside me not to wipe the tears away with the pad of my thumb and pepper soft kisses on her wet cheeks.
But I can’t do that; it’s just not right. I feel like I’d be betraying Alice, and I don’t want to scare Becky away. I know what we share is because of the love we both have for Alice. We’re each other’s link to the most perfect girl who ever lived.
The performance draws to a close and Becky turns to me, her eyes red-rimmed and her cheeks pink and wet, and she says, “I need to go to the bathroom. Give me five and I’ll be ready to go.”
“Take your time,” I reply and follow her out to the foyer until she breaks off to the left toward the ladies’ room.
I sit over on one of the chairs lining the wall, and older lady approaches me and sits beside me. “It was beautiful,” she says to me.
“It was perfect.” If only she knew exactly what it meant for Becky and me to be here.
“You’re quite young to be at the ballet. Did you get dragged here by your companion?” she asks. She’s not being rude, I think it’s probably the fact she’s an older lady and I’m young.
“No, she didn’t force me to come. I got the tickets because I wanted to surprise her.” I don’t want to tell her about Alice. It’ll only drag her down.
“What a sweet young man you are.” She smiles at me and I notice on the tip of her tooth she has red lipstick. I smile at her but choose not to say anything to her.
“You ready to go?” Becky asks.
“You’re very lucky to have such a considerate young man, Miss,” the old lady says to Becky.
“Thank you, ma’am. I think so too. Did you enjoy the ballet?”
“I did, very much so. Did you?”
“More than I can express.” There’s a hint of sadness behind her words. And I’m the luckiest guy on earth to know what her words mean. “Goodnight,” Becky says to the old lady.
“Goodnight,” she responds with her lipstick-covered smile.
“Have a good evening.”
Becky and I head out. “Have a good evening?” she teases. “Did you step out of a movie from the fifties?” Here’s the smartass Becky I know.
“I was being a gentleman. What did you want me to say to her? She’s old, like really old. Anything I may have said might not have been considered appropriate. So I went the safe route.”
We’re strolling the boardwalk along the beach. “It’s a nice night,” Becky says as she wraps her arms around herself and looks up to the sky.
“Are you cold?” I ask. Damn it, I don’t have a jacket with me that I could give to her. I could put my arm around her, but would I be pushing the boundaries? Damn it, why does this have to be so difficult?
“I’m not cold.” She looks at me, her eyes smiling but her voice isn’t.
“Then what is it?”
“In a few days it’ll be seven months, and I still miss her like crazy. That ballerina came on stage and it felt like I was watching her. You never saw her dance, did you?”
“I did. I’d watch her when she’d dance at school. I’d sneak in and watch from the side where she couldn’t see me. I knew watching her when she practiced was better than if she was doing a routine, because when she danced, she danced for herself. I’d lean up against the wall and just think, ‘Wow, she has so much talent!’ She was so beautiful.”
“I know.” Becky wipes at her face. “The pain is still there, but it’s getting easier.”
“With every day that passes, I want her to come back.” I run my hand through my hair and tug quite aggressively on the ends.
How can I miss Alice so much, but still want to seek comfort with Becky? God I’m a selfish bastard. I can’t have them both. And I can’t betray Alice.
“I’m too far from where she is,” Becky sighs. “But one day, I won’t be. And I hope the day that happens, Alice and Mom will be waiting for me.”
Fuck me. Becky is feeling such sadness and here I am wanting her. I’m such an ass.
There’s a long silence between us. We’re both consumed by the dense emotions we’re being forced to deal with.
“Hey,” she says after a few moments.
“What?”
She stops walking, and turns to look at the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing against the sand is like music to my ears. “I have an idea.”
Oh God. “What would that idea be?” She looks over her shoulder around us. Takes her heels off and starts toward the ocean. “Becky, what are you doing?” She turns to look at me while unbuttoning her blouse.
What the fuck?
“Crossing off another item on Alice’s bucket list.”
She’s what? I mentally run through the list in my head, I know it off by heart. By the time I figure out what she’s doing, she’s sliding her skirt down her legs.
“Holy shit, she’s going to go skinny dipping,” I mumble, surprised.
“Are you a prude?” she yells out to me.
No, but the moment I see her naked body I know I’ll get a hard-on, and then we’re all in trouble. God, I hope the water is cold. This will be the only time in my life I hope I can get into the cold water before she sees me, and sees my reaction toward her. Fuck, I’m already getting hard as I watch her strip.
“Hurry up,” she shouts again over her shoulder.
I run down to the beach, tripping over my own feet, stripping as I go.
We end up behind a large rock formation, Becky peels out of her bra and underwear, as I strip out of my own clothes. The moment she turns around, my eyes go straight to her breasts. It’s an involuntary (not really) reaction. “Crap,” I mumble.
“My eyes are up here, buddy.” She gestures to her face.
She’s got such a nice rack. I carefully look into her eyes, and try really hard not to look at her boobs again. I notice her eyes go down to my cock. “Oh my God,” she says and looks back at me.
I’m far from embarrassed about my body, but we’re standing here awkwardly gawking at each other. If I don’t get in the water, I’m afraid I’m going to touch her.
I turn and run straight into the surf. The incredibly cold water makes my package shrink, and for the first time, I’m thankful for icy water.
Becky follows and jumps into the soft waves. “Ahhh!” she squeals in a high-pitched voice. “It’s so cold!”
Yep, thank God. “Aha.”
She swims over toward me, and I’m so grateful we’re both far enough out that I can’t see her body. It’s taking everything in me, every ounce of strength, not to kiss her.
When she scoops water up and splashes me, I go to her, pick her up and throw her in the water. Not a great idea, Elijah. I may have felt parts of her body which may have caused a reaction in parts of my body. The cold water is doing nothing to help now. Great.
She comes up from the water, her hair now drenched. “You did not just pick me up like a rag doll and dunk me.” She comes toward me, ready for another round.
But this isn’t safe, not for her and not for me.
“Looks like I did.” I head
back toward the shore line and try to get out as quickly as possible.
“This is war. You know that, right?”
“It’s cute how you think that.” Get out of the water, Elijah. I swim away from her before she comes any closer, and I quickly head to where our clothes are strewn on the sand. Man, this whole putting your clothes on while you’re wet is virtually impossible. But I manage to put my pants on and opt to leave my shirt off so I can drape it over Becky considering her blouse is white. I won’t be able to avoid reacting if some guy looks at her, because by her appearance they’ll think she’s been in a wet t-shirt competition.
She comes out of the water, giggling all cute-like. “That was so much fun. No wonder Alice wanted to do it.” I keep my eyes down to the sand, not trusting myself to look at her or her smoking hot body.
“Yeah, it was fun.”
“We should’ve stayed in there longer.”
No fucking way. “We’ve gotta leave early tomorrow.” What a weak excuse, but it’s the best I can come up with in the moment.
“Sure, grandpa, no worries.”
I want to grab her, throw her over my shoulder and dunk her back into the water. But if do that, I’ll have her naked body on me, and that’s not a good idea. Especially now. I turn and readjust myself.
“Oh,” she says. “It’s like that is it?”
I’m not the type of guy who gets embarrassed easily, but thanks to Becky’s observation, my face flames up. “Can you please get dressed?”
Give me strength.
I don’t dare turn to look at her. Instead, I listen intently as she slides her clothes back on. When I think she’s dressed I hold my shirt out to her. “What’s this for?”
I peek over at her and thank my lucky stars she’s dressed. “You’re shirt’s white, and you’re wet.”
“I swear you could be a criminal investigator with that sharp mind of yours.”
Damn it, with every snappy and sassy remark, she digs further and further under my skin. “Guys will look at you.”
“Look around, the beach isn’t exactly flooded with people.”
“Yeah, until we get back up on the sidewalk and then head to our hotel.” I thrust my shirt at her again.
“But it’s okay for you to walk around like that.” She sweeps her hand over my bare chest, her eyes following very slowly.
“It’s different for me. Girls won’t be checking me out, but guys will definitely check you out, and I don’t feel like beating some poor prick up because he says something to you.”
“I can handle myself.”
“Says the self-taught karate expert from watching Jackie Chan movies.”
“One day, Turner, I’m gonna set you on your ass.” Yes, please. Wait, what? No. Shit, what am I thinking?
“Just take the damn shirt and wear it.”
“Ugh,” she huffs. “Fine.” She slides my shirt over her shoulders. She swims in it, but I like her wearing it. Instantly I become cocky, like I’m telling every guy who dares to look at her that she’s mine, and not to even think about trying it on her. “Happy?” she sarcastically snarls.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Okay, let’s head back ‘cause I have to wash my hair again.”
On the way back to the hotel, I get a few sideways glances, as does Becky, from a wide range of people. We saunter in, still soaking wet, me without a shirt, Becky swamped by my shirt. At least it looks more like a dress on her, and we’re carrying our shoes. Yeah, I’d be looking too.
The moment we get to the room, Becky grabs her night clothes and heads into the bathroom. I take the time to get into dry clothes and leave the room again.
I know Becky’s going to be hungry soon, and I suspect she’s eaten everything she brought. So I head down to a small convenience store I saw nearby, and grab her some things to eat for tonight and the road trip back home in the morning.
I’m taking my time going back to the hotel room, only because I don’t trust that I won’t try something stupid, like touching Becky.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I see it’s Mom calling.
“Hi, Mom,” I answer as I sit on a bench seat and place the plastic bag with Becky’s food beside me.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Yeah, we went to the museum and touched a pyramid, and tonight we went and saw The Nutcracker. It’s been really good.”
I kick at a small pebble beside my feet. “Yeah? And?”
I’m not about to tell my Mom we went skinny dipping. She’ll be mortified and likely yell at me. “And what?”
“How’s Rebecca? Is she okay?”
“Yeah.” My voice cracks and I feel like I’m deceiving my Mom. She doesn’t know how I feel about Becky, and I’m not about to tell her either.
“What’s wrong, Elijah? Isn’t it working out how you planned?”
I huff in frustration. “Nah, it’s not that.”
“What is it? Have you told her how you feel about her?”
I pull the phone away from my ear and look at the screen, then I look around me seeing if Mom’s here spying. “What do you mean?” my voice becomes suspicious.
“Darling, you’re my son. I love you so much, but you’re an idiot if you think I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re falling for Becky and knowing you, you probably feel guilty because of Alice.”
I rub my temple and let out a long, drawn-out breath. “How do you know this stuff?”
“First, I’m your mother. And second, it’s my job to know what’s going on with my favorite son.”
“I’m your only son, Mom,” I chuckle.
“Huh. Well then, it’s my job to know what’s going on with my only son.”
“So I’m not your favorite anymore?”
“Don’t go pushing your luck. You can’t be both.” I can hear her gentle, fun tone. “So, let’s get back to Rebecca.”
“Ugh,” I groan and lean back against the bench seat. “I can’t tell her, Mom. We’ve got too much invested as friends to throw it away if it doesn’t work out. And I’m not prepared to lose her because I’m falling for her.”
“Seems you have a problem there, son.”
“That’s an understatement.”
“Besides the challenges you’re facing with your own emotions, how’s everything else?”
“Good. We’re leaving early tomorrow, so I should be back home sometime after lunch. That’s if the food I just bought Becky is enough. I swear, Mom, I’ve never met a chick who can eat the way she does. She’d put Dad to shame.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“I’m not kidding you. She can eat.”
“Huh. If I could offer my opinion, I’d be telling you to let her know how you feel.”
“I can’t.”
“You’ve never been shy before.”
“If I thought she’d be interested in me, trust me, I’d tell her. But I can’t risk it if there’s even the smallest possibility of it not working out.”
“Hmm. Well, I have to go, but I’ll leave you with this. How would you feel if she ended up with someone else who’s not afraid to tell her how he feels?”
She’s right, but I just can’t risk it. “It’s complicated.”
“If you say so. Anyway, drive safe tomorrow and I’ll see you when you get home. Say hello to Rebecca for me.”
“I will. Goodnight, Mom.”
“Goodnight.” She hangs up and I slide my phone back into my pocket. That phone call stirs up confusion all through me. Sitting here watching the waves is something I can do for hours, but I know Becky will be out of the shower by now, and she may worry or be hungry.
Grabbing the bag with her food I head back to the hotel. When I get in the room, she’s sitting in bed, cross-legged, watching TV. Her hair is up in a messy ponytail, and she’s drinking from a bottle of water. “Hey,” she greets me with a wide, gorgeous smile the moment I come in. “Where did you go?”
I hold up the bag. “Thought you’d get hung
ry at some point, so I bought you some food. It should be enough for tonight and our trip back home.”
Slowly, she lowers her arm and sets the bottle on the bedside table. “You bought me food?”
“Yeah, I know how much you like to eat. You know that convenience store we passed earlier?” She nods her head. “I went there and bought you a selection of things.”
“Come here,” she says as she gets up on her knees.
Crap, I bet she’s angry that I bought stuff without checking with her. Cautiously I walk over to her side of the bed. “What?” I ask from a few feet away.
“Come here.” I go to the side of the bed, and she throws her arms around me, hugging me close to her body. There’s the strong coconut smell of her shampoo drifting into my nose. I close my eyes and slide my hands down her lower back. “Thank you,” she whispers and gives me a light kiss on the cheek, lingering a heartbeat too long.
My heart sings to know I’ve done something small that has made her happy. My body instantly begins to react to her closeness, her subtle scent, her goddamn softness in my arms. I need to kiss her. I slide my hands a little further down, and draw her closer to me. My heart pounds out of my chest as I gather all my courage to take the leap of faith. But suddenly my brain kicks in and tells me I’ll lose her.
Damn it.
“I should have a shower,” I say backing away from her.
“Yeah, you should.” Her eyes fall to the floor. What happiness I brought her I’ve quickly managed to strip away and now she’s sad. I was seconds away from kissing someone who doesn’t want my kisses.
Grabbing my clothes, I go and have a shower. I don’t take too long in here, because I want to get to bed. More accurately, I want to get back to Becky.
When I open the door, Becky’s lying down, facing away from me. The lights are off, as is the TV. “Becky,” I whisper, hoping she’s awake, but also hoping she’s not. She doesn’t answer me. I’m met with complete silence.
I drag the covers back, and get into bed. Thank God I put the wall of pillows between us, because the way I’m feeling right now, I’m on the verge of grabbing her and dragging her over to my side.
As I drift off to sleep I feel the bed move. I know it’s Becky getting more comfortable, but I’m way too tired to open my eyes to see if she’s okay. The bed moves again, and I feel her pull on my arm to straighten it out. Her hair tickles my chest, her leg goes over mine, and she breathes a small, contented sigh.
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