Finding My Way Home

by Alina Man

  He cleared his throat and I knew I was caught starring. I could’ve played dumb but what was the point. I just shrugged and gave him one of my most innocent smiles. He shook his head and laughed but didn’t question me any further.

  I ate to the point of passing out; the elastic of my pants was cutting my circulation. The conversation around the table was light and fun, remembering the good old times. Not once did Noah ask me about Boston but I knew it was going to come up sometime soon. For now, I was just happy to be home. We cleared the table and he took out the trash; a simple gesture but one that didn’t go unnoticed. Joe had never been the kind to help around the house. Before I moved in, he used to have someone come in once a week and do the cleaning. The thought of having some stranger clean up after me just wasn’t my thing. Still, I would’ve loved to have his help every now and then.

  I pushed away his memory and followed Noah outside. It was getting dark and the evening was chilly. I turned the porch light on and wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep warm.

  “Why don’t you put on something warm and I’ll make us some coffee.”

  Did I want to sit outside in the dark with Noah close to me? You bet your bonbons I did. We agreed to meet back in ten minutes and I rushed inside to change. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, grabbed a clean shirt and then remembered to put some deodorant on. By the time I went out again, Noah was waiting for me with two steamy mugs. We sat next to each other on the old porch swing, looking at the stars and drinking the hot sweet coffee. Our street was always quiet in the evening and tonight was no exception.

  “Can I ask you something?” Noah turned to face me and I could tell I wasn’t going to like what he had to say. He didn’t wait for my answer. “What is your plan now that you’re back?”

  “What makes you think there is one?” I asked in return.

  “Well because I know you. You always have to have a plan.”

  He was right but then again, that was the old me. “Nope, no plan this time. I am just taking it one day at a time.”

  “One more question,” he spoke again. “Did you finally read the letters?”

  This time I took a moment to think what the best way to answer his question was. “Bren you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious.”

  “No it’s ok; I’m surprised you waited this long to ask.”

  “I figured you would tell me when you were ready.” He pulled me closer to his side rubbing my arm to keep me warm. I didn’t want to ruin our evening with talk about the letters. “And if you’re never ready,” he continued, “that’s ok too. I’m just happy you’re here.”

  His comment made me wonder if maybe he was looking for more than just friendship. I wasn’t ready to move on yet and didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. With that in mind, I started pulling away.

  “Noah, I-”

  “Hey, just relax. My God, it’s not like I asked you to marry me. You don’t need to over think this and get all freaked out. Friends, ok?”

  I allowed myself to breathe again and smiled nervously. “Yeah, ok. Friends. ”

  “So tell me about the letters.”

  My shoulders relaxed automatically and I pressed my back against Noah. How could I explain the letters? Was there a right and wrong way to go about it? The truth was I didn’t even know what to make of them.

  “Well, I read them. They were all pretty short and to the point. It turns out I have another dad.” I looked up to see Noah’s expression. He didn’t disappoint. His eyes grew wide with surprise and he just stood there with his mouth half open as if he was about to speak but couldn’t find his voice. “I know, shocking, right?” I said and gave a half laugh trying to lighten up the mood.

  “Shocking doesn’t really cover it. What do you mean you have another dad? As in…”

  “Hmm, as in my mom did the deed with another man and oops there I was nine months later. Another dad. His name is Max and from the looks of it, he’s been trying to get to know me ever since my other dad passed away.”

  “Wow, that’s crazy. What’s even crazier is that I think I met this Max dude two years ago. I hadn’t been here for that long and I was helping your grandpa fix the roof. This suit guy came over and he was arguing about something with Sonia. Can’t tell you what they were talking about, but I do remember that his name was Max because your grandma kept telling him to leave.”

  I wished that I could say I was surprised but I wasn’t. From his letters I knew how much he wanted to meet me. What I couldn’t understand was why nana waited this long to tell me. I didn’t tell Noah whether or not I had any plans to meet this Max guy; the truth was that I didn’t know if I wanted to meet him. I wasn’t ready. All I wanted to do was go on with my life and make something of it.

  I was cold and getting late so we said goodnight and parted ways. I knew Noah would wait for me to get in and lock the door before he’d walk away. For as long as I could remember he always made sure I was ok, even when we were kids. I guess some things never change. I took a speedy shower, changed into warm pajamas, and walked to my room. My nana was sitting in the chair by the window, a beautiful gold shadow, her hands folded in her lap. Seeing her like that didn’t scare me anymore; I was actually looking forward to having her close to me again.

  “Oh nana, I had such a wonderful evening,” I whispered and got under the blanket to warm up. She appeared at the edge of the bed and started playing with my hair. I can’t explain what her touch felt like, but I could feel it none the less. “Nana, what am I going to do with my life? Do you think I should meet Max?”

  The glow changed from gold to a light shade of silver and started fading slowly until she was gone. Why did she let me see the letters if I couldn’t talk about them with her? Who else was I going to be able to ask about this? I fell asleep thinking about Max and his family, wondering if I’d ever have enough courage to contact him.

  As I tried to move on with my life I realized that no matter how many plans you have, in the end there’s a higher power out there that knows what’s best for you. Even if you don’t agree with His plan. The days turned into weeks and before I knew it, a whole month had gone by and I still couldn’t decide what my next move should be. I was getting impatient and yet didn’t seem to be able to do anything about it.

  I was still pondering about the future when Gigi called me one Friday afternoon. I hadn’t seen her in a while and hearing her voice instantly put a smile on my face. There was something about her that simply radiated happiness and it was contagious. I needed some of that happiness badly, especially today. I could hear her son’s voice in the background and felt a sudden pang in my heart. I never gave much thought about having kids of my own but maybe that clock that I heard so many women talk about was now ticking louder than before. I knew for a fact that I wanted a child, someone to love unconditionally and who would love me back just the same.

  “I won’t take no for an answer and that’s that,” Gigi said, bringing me back to present day. “So what do you say, will you please come with us?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh my God don’t tell me you haven’t heard a word I said. Girl sometimes I wonder about you. I’m talking about the parade. It will be fun, you’ll see. Besides it’s not like you have any other plans.”

  I thought for a second and she was right. I had nothing better to do than stay home and wallow in my sorrows. And I was getting tired of doing that. Growing up we used to go to the parade every year and it was always fun. Before I could change my mind I heard myself agreeing with Gigi. At least I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself mentally for it.

  “So listen, how about we meet for lunch? My treat. I want to talk to you about something and I don’t want to do it over the phone.”

  Twenty minutes later we were sitting outside on the patio at Pete’s Burgers waiting for our order. James was playing with his Nintendo, too busy to pay any attention to our conversation. He had to be the most well behaved child I’d
ever encountered and my heart skipped a beat from all the longing. Just watching him made me realize what Gigi meant when she had said that he was her life.

  “Gigi, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Remember when you said your grandpa used to come and talk to you?”

  “Yeah, he did for a very long time. Why? Is Sonia still visiting?”

  I thought for a moment before deciding if talking about my nana’s visits with other people was the right thing to do. “Yes she is but not so much lately. Honestly, I miss her so much.”

  “My grandpa once said that he would not be able to come back after I’d healed. I didn’t get it at first but now when I think about it, after I started putting my life back together I no longer had time to dwell on the past’s mistakes. He was there for me when I was hurting. I still feel like he’s watching me sometimes but even if I call his name, he no longer answers.”

  The food arrived and while we ate, I told Gigi everything about the famous letters. I could tell she was shocked but as always too nice to say anything. She just listened and every now and then she would nod as if telling me she understood. Did she? Would I be able to understand this if it were to happen to someone else? Would I be able to give advice?

  “Gigi, what would you do if you were me?”

  “Bren I think deep inside, you know the answer to that question. But I don’t think you’re ready to face all that, especially not on your own. The way I see it, this is a blessing. There are many kids out there that don’t even have one parent.” She glanced at her beautiful son and I felt like such an idiot for not realizing that talking about my dad would hit pretty close to home.

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”

  “Hey,” she smiled and touched my hand, “don’t worry about it. I like it better this way but I know there will come a time when he is going to ask why his dad never comes to visit.” She squeezed my hand gently, her way of telling me everything was ok. “Listen, I was at the library the other day and guess what. They have a position available because Mrs. Wilson decided to retire. Anyway, I went to the office and got an application for you.”

  I was about to jump out of my chair and hug her, when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

  “Well, well, well, what have we here?” His laugh filled out the empty patio, sending warm waves throughout my entire body and I could only pray that my face didn’t give my feelings away.

  “It’s about time you showed up; they are keeping your plate warm so go get it.” I didn’t turn around to look at him but the minute he walked away I felt myself relax once again.

  “You asked him to join us?” I whispered.

  “Well since you said you guys are friends, and only friends, I figured why not?”

  “We are. I’m just surprised that he had time to come. I mean, doesn’t he have a job or something?”

  “He sure does, but since he’s the owner he can come and go as he pleases.”

  “What do you mean he’s the owner?”

  “You know, the owner as in he owns the tattoo shop. Don’t tell me you didn’t know? Darn it girl do you guys not talk to each other? Don’t you ask questions when you’re together?” She shook her head in disbelief and when I didn’t answer she continued. “I guess I’m just nosy like that,” she laughed out loud.

  Oh she thought she was clever, didn’t she. I took a sip of my drink and tried to pretend that being around him had no affect on me whatsoever. I could do this. I mean, how hard could it be? Noah returned with his plate and sat in the chair next to me. His smell filled my senses and I felt the need to reach out and touch him. I busied my hands with the drink, playing with the straw and moving my eyes from Gigi to James but never towards Noah. He had the ability to read each and every emotion so looking at him was never safe.

  “I got Bren to agree to go to the fair next month,” Gigi told him acting as if she just won some very hard battle.

  “I didn’t have a choice since you said you won’t take no for an answer, remember? And by the way I thought you said it was a parade.”

  “If you must know, the parade is in the morning but after is the fair. That’s where all the fun is.”

  We talked some more about the fair and once again I was relaxed. Before long James was sitting on my lap showing me his game while Gigi and Noah talked about tattoos, movies, the weather, and everything in between. I pressed my face against James’ head, his soft hair tickling my cheek and it was the best feeling in the world. I didn’t want the lunch to end.

  Noah paid for everyone’s lunch, even after I tried to arm-wrestle him for the check. Gigi simply stood back and watched us with a big smile on her face. I could tell what she was thinking since just like my nana, she was always on the hunt for some matchmaking. I hated to disappoint her but there was not going to be any match between Noah and me. We were just not like that.

  On my drive home my mind was filled with thoughts of Gigi, James, and Noah.

  Chapter 14.

  It had been three weeks since I’d filled out that application and as it turned out, working at the library was the best job in the world. At least for me. I spent most of my days reading or surfing the net, talking on the messenger with Angel, and organizing returned books. If I was lucky, some afternoons I would get to help some of the kids with their homework. That was the most rewarding part of the job. The pay was not great and I knew I wouldn’t be able to fully support myself on that income but thanks to my nana my bills were paid for the rest of the year and I really didn’t have any expenses.

  Next week was the parade (or fair, or whatever Gigi called it) and for whatever reason I was feeling nervous. Seeing old classmates and people I grew up with made me feel uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready to explain my return from Boston to anyone.

  My nana has been showing up more often lately. Every evening I would take out old photo albums and talk to her about each picture and the memories they reminded me of. I made sure not to bring up Max since the last thing I wanted was for her to leave me again.

  The old house was looking better and better with all the changes I had made over the last few weeks; new paint, curtains, and even a few new rugs in the hallways and family room. I glanced over to the big box waiting in the back yard and couldn’t wait for Noah and Gigi to arrive and help me set it up. I always wanted a swimming pool and when I saw the sale they had at the store I decided to treat myself and bought the largest above ground pool they had.

  Gigi and James were the first to show up and the minute I opened the door her son jumped up in my arms. I kept falling more and more in love with that little boy and considered myself his non-official godmother. I spoiled him and wasn’t sure if that was the only reason he liked me or not. Even so, every hug and each little kiss made me feel special and I treasured every minute of it.

  We walked out back to the small patio table where I had lunch and cold drinks ready for us. Last week I found plates and cups with Iron Man on them and knew James would get a kick out of them; watching his reaction as he saw the new tableware made me smile. I set a few pieces of fruit and a small sandwich on his plate as Gigi sat across from us and served herself.

  “This looks so delicious Bren. I can’t wait for the pool.”

  “Tell me about it. The library has AC but I think it’s an old unit so most of the time it doesn’t even feel like it’s turned on.”

  “So how are you girly?”

  I thought about it for a moment and realized that happy was the only way to describe how I was feeling. I had a job I enjoyed, good friends, and my nana was still with me. “I’m really good. I can’t thank you enough for helping me get that job. How about you?”

  “Well I’m hanging in there. I feel like every day something goes wrong with the old house. I just found out that I need to replace the roof and there’s something wrong with the heater. If I knew that I could make some money out of it, I would sell the house tomorrow.”

  I felt terrible for her since she had no help from anyone. I wished
that there was something I could do but in my situation it wasn’t like I had unlimited funds at my disposal.

  After Noah showed up, we finished lunch then started setting up the pool. I didn’t realize just how huge it was until I saw it all out of the box. We placed the water hose inside and waited for the water to fill up. Every now and then Noah would take the hose out and spray us getting lots of screams and giggles in return. I was half way drenched and tackled him for the hose when someone called me. Noah was still holding me when I looked up and saw Joe standing in the middle of my back yard.

  “Joe. What are you doing here?” I tapped Noah’s arm to let me go but he pretended not to notice and tightened his hold.

  “Hello Brenda. I knocked but, well no one answered, and I heard-” There he stood, his hand in the pockets of his expensive slacks, looking every bit of the lawyer he was, yet not able to finish a simple sentence. I pushed Noah’s arm away and walked slowly towards Joe, feeling more confused by the minute. What was he doing here after all this time? This was first time I’ve seen him since coming back from Boston. “Can we talk alone for a minute?” His eyes moved past me to Noah as if challenging him to follow.

  “Guys I’ll be back. Don’t have too much fun without me.” I smiled at both Noah and Gigi and walked past Joe, urging him to follow me inside the house. Whatever he wanted to talk to me about wasn’t going to take long. I pointed at the sofa and waited for him to sit before sitting on the big chair across from him.

  “What are you doing here Joe?”

  “You look good Brenda.”

  “Thank you. Would you like something to drink?”

  “Yes please. I can’t believe how hot it’s been lately.” I couldn’t believe he was here in my house talking about the weather like it was the most normal thing. I walked away quickly to grab some water bottles and when I returned he was looking through one of the old photo albums. He took the water bottle but his eyes never left the pictures.

  “So how are you?” I asked trying to get him to open up about the mysterious visit. This was not something the Joe I knew would normally do.