by Becky Wicks
'I feel like shit,' I admit to Jack in a low voice, pulling my guitar close. The production team have set up a wooden deck in the snow and the actors are here now; four models dressed in their pirate costumes and adult fairy outfits. I'm wearing a scarf so thick I am actually sweating.
Chloe's snapping photos. Every now and then she disappears and my eyes train the footsteps she leaves in the snow. She's been avoiding my eyes, plus all attempts to talk to her. I'm stuck in this hideous limbo of anger and hurt and confusion and trying to pretend I'm having a great time being Noah fucking Lockton. I swear her brain is more complicated than a rubik's cube, but I have to fix this.
'Are we ready?' the producer asks before he can answer. 'The sound is good, we'll do a run-through with the choreography before we get going for real. Cool?'
I nod as the guys re-tune behind me. I'm sitting on a stool. The ground is white all around us and there must be six feet of snow out there in the drifts. I think of Chloe running back last night when it was covered; turning her phone off again, cutting me out. I can see her now, walking towards Jack. They hug each other. Courtney waves at me from behind one of the cameramen but I ignore her. I feel like such a dick but I can barely focus on what I'm doing as it is. They're all handed headphones so they can hear the words. Good. This is good. Or is it?
Fuck it. It's too late to care. I just have to sing. And when I do, I also ignore the dancers, the snow being shaken all over us, the way Denzel and Jack look set to burst with excitement. I look straight at Chloe because in all my life, I have never wanted to reach her as much as I want to right now.
You stitched my shadow onto the soles of my shoes
Said careful Peter, don't lose it,
I'll be watching you
For all our talk of faith and trust
Our lives are made of pixie dust
And you're the only dream I've had come true
I'm bound to my shadow
I'm stitched and tied and stuck like glue
This Peter Pan is all grown up
But I'll never grow out of you
So speak of flights of fancy, let's remember how we danced
And every Tinker-Bell who broke the spell
Never really stood a chance
Peter, you said, fly with me
Come back to never land
And where there was a lost boy
Stands before you a man
There are pirates in the ocean,
There are crocs who'll snap our plans in two
But I'll be flying high until the sky turns blue
There are pirates in the ocean
Other people get their hooks in you
But let's keep flying up, let's keep on flying through
I'm bound to my shadow
I'm stitched and tied and stuck like glue
This Peter Pan is all grown up
But I'll never grow out of you
When the music ends the make up artist rushes over, starts fixing my face again, adjusting my scarf but my eyes glue to Chloe straight away. She's crying. I can tell because she's hiding her face, hiding from Jack, burying her head in her scarf and taking way too many photos behind her camera. Jack keeps looking from her to me with an almost amused expression on his face.
'What the fuck was that?' Courtney. She's ripping off her headphones, reaching for Chloe, who steps behind Jack immediately.
'Courtney, wait,' I'm off the stool, taking the guitar with me, ignoring the make up artist.
'So that's why you wouldn't play me your song? Because I know about your stupid fucking nicknames and you knew I'd put this all together?' She shoves my chest hard with her gloved hands, catches the strings, making my guitar twang out of tune. I grip her arm to stop her doing it again.
'It's just a song, Courtney.'
'You're a fucking joke, Lockton!'
'What now, for Christ's sake?' Denzel's rushing towards us.
'He's humiliating me, that's what,' she growls, trying to shove me again but failing.
'Come on darlin', how's he doing that?'
'Are you kidding me?' she roars. 'That song is about Chloe! You've heard the way they talk to each other...'
'It's about Peter Pan and Wendy,' Chloe states, not looking at me. 'It's about two very fictional characters.'
The way she says 'fictional' stabs at my heart like she's taken a blade to it on purpose. Denzel frowns. 'I think it's the dog's bollocks personally mate,' he says. 'The fans will lap it up -- a classic childhood book set to music, finally. Cut the dancers in, Vaseline the edges as you do, add a few good looking lost boys, maybe put Tinker-Bell in a leather tutu...'
'You have no idea, Denzel,' Courtney fumes, folding her arms. 'I think your BlackBerry's ruined your brain.' For a second as she looks between me and Chloe, I see Jayde in her place, and others before her. It always ends up the same, just like this; suspicion, anger, outbursts.
'I don't think you've ever written one song about me, have you Noah?' she's saying now, narrowing her eyes at me. 'They're all about someone else. They're all about Chloe. Am I the only one who thinks this is bullshit? We're supposed to be together...'
'For fuck's sake Courtney!' I snap, making her jump. 'We're not together! Are you not sick of this, hanging off my arm, pretending I'm everything you've been waiting for? We're friends, Courtney and that's all. I'm not playing this stupid game with you anymore, OK? I'm sorry.'
I turn to Denzel. 'You can tell that to the label,' I say. 'And yes, in case you're all wondering, I am in love with Chloe.' I stand back as her eyes widen along with Jack's behind me. 'There, I said it. I am in love with my best friend, the amazing Chloe Campbell! Add that to your blogs, call Perez Hilton, Tweet about it in a hundred and forty characters with your fucking heart emojis, I don't give a shit.'
Everyone's staring at us, Zayne's jaw is pulsing. I can see a runner typing something madly into his phone under a pine tree branch but I really don't give a shit. Suddenly I'm grinning as madly as Jack is. 'I've never said that out loud to anyone before!' I say. 'My heart is freaking out in here.'
Jack laughs, but Chloe's looking at me in total shock. Her eyes are glistening. Her cheeks are flushed. Her camera slides down her arm, just missing the snow. 'I know what you said,' I tell her, walking to her, taking her head between my hands over her red wooly hat, 'but I know how you feel. I'm not giving up on us, I don't care who's out to get us.'
'Oh. Awesome,' Courtney responds, rolling her eyes. 'This just gets more and more awesome. As if a hangover the size of Colorado wasn't enough.'
There's running in the corner of my eye. Someone's flying through the snow at someone pointing a camera at us. Jesus, are there paps everywhere?
'Aaron,' Chloe says quietly.
I drop my arms. 'Aaron,' I repeat. He's talking to another runner, explaining, being led towards us. He's got the biggest camera bag I've ever seen over one shoulder; the same stupid hat that hid his face when I got caught lashing out at him.
'Chloe. Noah,' he says, stopping in front of us.
'Oh look. It's everyone's favorite paparazzi, come to add to the drama,' Courtney says flatly and my fists clench automatically. Instantly I want to rearrange his face.
'I came to sort things out,' he says.
'Nice of you to bother after all this time,' I reply, watching him shove his camera into his bag. 'I see you still can't help yourself. What do you know about the night Chloe was mugged?'
'Noah, mate, come on, can we take this inside?' Denzel says, putting a hand on my shoulder. 'Let's take a break. Break time, everyone!'
The producer puts her hands in the air. 'We need you back here in an hour,' she tells us wearily before scurrying off into the fancy cabin.
Denzel leads us all back to the restaurant. It smells like stale booze inside.
His BlackBerry buzzes but this time he puts it on silent, lays it on the table in front of him as we all pull out chairs. My eyes catch Chloe's momentarily but she makes it a point to focus on Aaron,
and to sit next to Jack instead of me.
'What did you have to tell me that you couldn't say on the phone?' she says and I notice she sounds tired, distracted. I bet she didn't sleep either. I'm dying to reach for her, to know she wouldn't just push me away after what I just did. My heart is still a fucking boom box. But Courtney's looking at me, looking at Chloe, and Jack's staring in amusement at everyone. This whole situation is so screwed up.
42
Aaron takes his cap off, turns it round in his hands. 'I wanted to come here in person, so you wouldn't involve the cops before I could explain.'
'What's going on, mate?' Denzel asks. 'Is this something to do with Shimmer? We know there was a girl at the Tampa gig in a seat that was assigned to you. Turns out she was an incy bit coo-coo...'
'But they couldn't find out who she was, right?' I say, rubbing my eyes and focusing. 'There were too many people in other people's seats and tickets always get traded. Plus it was crazy there that night.'
'It was my ex-girlfriend,' Aaron cuts in, still looking at Chloe.
Her eyes grow wide. 'The psycho you said you broke up with?'
'That's her,' he confirms. 'I got a call asking who I gave the ticket to but I told them it was stolen from my desk at work. Stuff like that happens all the time. Interns... cleaners, whatever. The truth is, she must have stolen it from my bag when I was at her apartment.'
'OK...'
'Look, she's not a psycho,' Aaron tells her. 'That was wrong of me to say, we'd been fighting. Chloe, her name's Teri D'Amato - she's been diagnosed as schizophrenic. We were together for about eight months and it was fine, until she stopped taking those fucking antipsychotic meds. Basically she went nuts at me, numerous times. I found out she was stalking me after I broke things off.'
'Stalking you?' Courtney chimes in. 'Kind of ironic, wouldn't you say, considering your profession?'
He shrugs at her, taking the hit. 'She saw me out with Chloe and I guess she got jealous. She got arrested for drink driving a while back and I bailed her out. When I took her back to her apartment her laptop was open and that photo was on it. The one of Brandon Cleaver.'
Chloe's put her hand over her mouth.
'She had your camera connected to the computer,' Aaron continues. 'She wasn't gonna tell me how she got it but the more I pressed her the more angry she got...'
'She was there. That night, wasn't she?' Chloe's saying now and I can see her flicking back in her memories as he looks at him. She's turned pale. 'Aaron, when I came out of the bar, I saw a girl smoking outside...'
'She told me she'd come to find me, but when she saw you, me and Zayne at the bar she lost it. She went back outside to cool down but when you left, she followed you. I'm so sorry, Chloe. I saw a missed call from her that night but I didn't think anything of it at the time.'
'You mean, Chloe got beaten up by your fucking ex-girlfriend that night?' I fume, snatching Denzel's BlackBerry from the table before he can call this in to anyone. I'm physically shaking.
'A girl?' Chloe repeats in disbelief. Jack puts a hand over hers. 'She kicked me down, Aaron! She was so strong!'
'Tell me about it! When she gets mad, she's like a fucking werewolf,' he says. 'But she was traumatized afterwards, seriously. It's another part of her that reacts when she's mad. I should've told you when you were back in New York but she begged me not to say anything. I know it was wrong not to, but she was fucking terrified of being admitted and she promised she'd go back on the meds. I just caved. But when I found out what else she was doing...'
'The notes?' I say, balling my fists as he nods, looks away. Denzel lets out a long sigh.
'The notes were never about me and Noah?' Chloe adds, twisting her necklace, shooting me a look.
'No, she was jumping to conclusions about us! I hadn't heard from her in weeks until two days ago, when she texted me and said she was here. I knew there was a gig in Denver, I didn't want her to do anything stupid so...'
'She's in Colorado now? Unbelievable! The stupid bitch is probably planning to burn the stadium down or something,' Courtney blurts.
Aaron leans forward, addresses me and Denzel and I notice how close his eyes are together. He looks like a fucking crocodile -- sly and conniving. I don't trust a word that comes out of his goddam mouth. 'I came to talk to you, to see what you were going to do,' he says. 'I can't protect her anymore but I want to be here if you call the cops. She's sick, you know. She's not a bad person, I swear.'
'She beat up Chloe!' I yell 'This is insane!'
Denzel nods to himself in silence. I can feel my blood literally fizzing up under my skin and one look at Jack tells me he feels the same. He's gripping Chloe's hand now. 'You should be arrested for withholding information!' I carry on. 'You watched her walking around with a punched up face for fuck's sake, and you never said a word! You tried to cover this up!'
'You told me you couldn't trace the photos, so I wouldn't try,' Chloe says, 'so I wouldn't find out...'
'I can't apologize enough, I'm so sorry,'
'Too little too fucking late,' I start, but Jack clutches my arm across the table. 'Can you find out where she is now?' he asks as I hand Denzel his phone back and fold my arms to keep from smacking something.
Aaron sighs and puts his head in his hands. 'Call the fucking cops,' he tells us after a moment. 'I'll tell them whatever they want to know.'
43
Chloe
It's so messed up, but more than anything else that's going on right now, it's Noah's song that's going round and round in my head. It's a backing track to the total disaster that seems to be my life and everything in it. All I want to do is crawl under a rock.
'Have you seen Courtney?' Jeremy asks, walking up to me at the side of the set. I shake my head. She went back to her cabin and hasn't been seen since. 'She has to stop this,' he says, holding up his phone. 'She just tagged me in her pity party.'
I pull out my own phone and hit Twitter. My feed pulls up a stream from her, full of emojis and cryptic messages, such as:
Feeling so glad @TheGreatCatsby is here right now. #VailFail
'Great,' I say. She's not saying anything directly but already people are responding, asking what's happened, blaming Noah:
@CourtneyLentini Oh no what did @NoahLockton do? #VailFail
@CourtneyLentini Come to my place I'll make u 4get about @NoahLockton #justsaying
'I'll go speak to her,' Jeremy says, just as Jack walks down the path to me and pulls me aside.
My heart speeds up. He's been with Aaron and Denzel in the office, waiting for the cops to arrive. 'They're here,' he says in a low voice. 'Aaron's arranged to meet her.'
I'm standing on the edge of the set, making movies for the blog with Aaron's camera, but I let it film the floor as he talks to me. I can't do anything but freak out.
'Look, they're wrapping up in a few hours,' Jack says. 'I'm gonna drive Noah back to Boulder with me. They've agreed to cancel his appearance at the Denver gig just in case, so he'll stay at the house. We're gonna try and keep the press out of that move, so no more blogging or Tweeting, about anything. And you should follow the cops back, cool? They want to talk to you.'
'You don't really think she's dangerous, do you?' I say.
'They just want to get to her before she figures out Aaron's told everyone. She knows he's here on location, she's seen the Tweets. Someone pictured him in one this morning.'
'Who?' I say.
'Who do you think? Courtney was hung over and not thinking, I assume. Look, it's all good, they're pretty sure they've got it covered. They're just being cautious.'
'OK. Thanks Jack.'
'So, are you planning to talk to Noah, when we get back?' he asks now, putting his hands in his pockets. His hair falls over his eyes as he smiles. 'That was pretty crazy, what he did, right? How do you feel about that?'
My pulse quickens. I look to where Noah's being groomed and covered in make up next to Zayne. 'I don't know Jack. It's complicated.'
He's still smiling. 'Babe, you and Noah are the most uncomplicated thing going on right now. It's everything else that's fucked up. Something tells me Courtney and this death threat stuff isn't all of it.'
'Isn't that enough for you?' I say, almost laughing. 'I'm sure he's already told you, we can't be more than friends, Jack.'
'Tell him that enough and he'll believe you,' he replies. 'And you don't really want him to believe you, do you?'
I hide behind my camera, pretend to focus on a nearby bird on a log, but Jack puts his hand in front of the lens. 'Chloe. Come on, you know I love you, you're like my sister. But you and Noah have never been like you and me, have you? I've never seen him like this.'
I look up at him. I don't think he even knows about that night; what happened between us. Or does he? 'Jack...'
'If you love him too, don't screw this up. You've got something so fucking perfect it's almost unreal! Do you even know how hard that is to find? Even my mom said something the other day.'
My eyebrows knit together. 'What?'
'Just that Courtney didn't look as good on his arm as you do.'
'I don't want to be on a celebrity's arm, Jack! This is all just too messed up. Look, I'm sorry,' I sigh and put my arms up around his neck in a hug, 'you're the best. It's just...'
'Scarier than a bitch sending death threats?' he says, hugging me back.
'Something like that,' I admit.
A couple of hours later I've said my goodbyes and I'm carrying my things to the car. The policemen had me clarify a couple of things and Noah had to confirm the girl he saw in the stadium was the girl in the photos we now have of Aaron's ex. Now all that's left is for them to bring her in. My stomach knots when I think about it; the way she stalked me in the park and beat the crap out of me. I can't get that night out of my head now. She looks so young, like butter wouldn't melt, which somehow makes her seem even freakier.