by Sarah Silver
Losing Paul had left me with many restless nights. The circles under my eyes were pronounced, and I seemed to have a lifeless energy. I stared at myself for a few minutes and then told myself that it was time to change. I had to move on with my life and try to get it together. I started to feel like maybe Jake’s arrival was sort of like an angel’s. What if this ended up being a plan that we could both benefit from in miraculous ways?
“I’ll be right down, honey.” I called to Ethan and then closed the bedroom door. I walked down the hallway and looked at all of the pictures on the wall- many were of Paul and I after we had been married. I smiled when I thought back to all of the happy times we had shared, and I realized that my life would never really be the same. It would always be a life that had been drastically altered. It would always have a missing piece. Yet, even with all of that, I figured that it could still be a life worth living.
“How was school, buddy?” I threw my arms around Ethan’s shoulders and then stood back to look at his face. He looked so much like Paul, with his deep set green eyes and his high cheekbones. I smiled and then opened up the refrigerator. We had fresh eggs and fresh goat’s milk, but not much else. I didn’t want to complain, but I sometimes wished that we could get away from the farm life. Maybe we could move into the city and try to integrate a new lifestyle. Then I sighed. We’d never have enough money to make a move like that.
I had creditors calling every week because we still owed on the house. Worse, I had applied for credit cards for the first time in my life after Paul passed away because I needed to buy Ethan school clothes, and I needed to fix the truck. The bills were mounting, and I was beginning to feel like we’d soon be buried in debt. I ran my hands through my hair and then took a deep breath. Then I pulled out two eggs and a quart of milk. I watched as Ethan ran outside with his football, and then cried when I realized that he had nobody to throw it to.
Jake’s arrival had stirred up a flurry of emotions. On the one hand I really didn’t have much interest in actually dating anyone. It was hard to even think about having romantic feelings for anyone besides Paul. But on the other hand, I couldn’t deny that his mention of financial freedom gave me hope. I felt like maybe I could finally get out of the hole I was in, both emotionally and financially. I tried to think of Jake’s idea as a ticket out of hell. Maybe I would finally be happy again one day.
“Hey, Mom. My school is planning a trip to Sun Valley. Can I go?” Ethan came inside and sat down at the table. I had just set down a plate of eggs and some milk. He dug in with enthusiasm and I lowered my head. Sun Valley was the big ski resort just outside of town. I knew that Ethan’s high school planned an annual trip there for the high school kids, and it broke my heart to think that I wouldn’t have enough money to let him go with his friends.
“Sweetheart, I’m not sure if you can go. I don’t like to tell you that, but it’s true.” I shook my head and then sighed. Ethan took a sip of his milk and then gazed out the window.
“Mom, are we always going to be poor?” Ethan turned back around and looked at me, his fork teetering on the edge of his plate. I didn’t know how to answer him so I remained quiet. Then, I felt a twinge of courage rise in my veins.
“No. We aren’t always going to be poor, Ethan.” I stood up and gave him a wry smile. “One of these days, and it might be soon, our luck is going to change.” I walked toward Ethan and gave him a squeeze around the shoulders. Then I cleared the dishes from the table, and filled the sink with soapy water. Ethan sat quietly at the table, then after a long period of silence, pushed his chair out and left the room.
When I went to bed that night, I imagined waking up with optimism. I thought about having enough money so that Ethan could go on his ski trip, and I thought about one day experiencing happiness again. I tossed and turned a few times before finally settling on my right side so that I could gaze out the bedroom window. A gentle breeze swept through the room and I closed my eyes, hopeful that tomorrow might bring something better than today. Then I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 5
“Hello? I’m here.” I stood on Jake’s porch at ten o’clock the next morning. His horses were out galloping around the field, and a flock of sheep huddled nearby in the adjacent corral. Jake appeared from the back of the house, his hands covered in grease and his shirt coated with dirt.
“One sec’, Emma. I had to fix Andy’s car.” Jake hustled to the side of the house and opened up one of the shed doors. He grabbed a few rags form a wooden crate and started to wipe off his hands, just as a huge Collie came bounding from the yard. “Hey. Queenie. Go around back so Patty can get you fed.” Jake gave the dog a pat on the rump and she spun around on her heels and ran in the other direction. I smiled at all of the commotion, glad to be in another setting so that I could take my mind off my own worries for a bit.
“Looks like you’ve got your hands full this morning.” I laughed and then sat down on the steps, watching as Jake’s cows munched on grass and listening as his chickens squawked in their coop. Jake’s farm was one that had reached the heights of near sustainability in all aspects. He was almost completely solar powered now, and his animals kept the family fed through the seasons. Yet Jake still had financial problems of his own from taking out a string of loans years ago to get the business started. Now that his oldest was getting ready for college, he would be faced with even more debt, I was sure.
“I’ll be right there.” Jake called from behind the shed door and then tossed the dirty rags back into their bucket. I smiled and got up as he rounded the corner and met me on the steps. “You ready to talk some business?” He gave me a wink and then opened the porch door and let me inside. I took a deep breath and then walked inside the house. “Here, have a seat.” Jake swiped a mound of clean laundry off the couch and patted it for me to sit.
“I just want to tell you, Jake. I’ve been kind of excited about this idea ever since you left.” I bit my lip and then nodded my head. “I mean, if this whole thing has the potential to offer me freedom from money worries…” My voice trailed off and I looked out the window. From my seat on the couch I could still see the horses tossing their heads and flicking their tails.
“Emma.” Jake threw off his dirt covered shirt and grabbed a clean t-shirt from the pile. Then he darted off to the kitchen and I listened as he ran the water and clanked some glasses around. “You want a coffee? Or a tea?” He called out and I nodded my head.
“Sure. Coffee sounds great.” I rubbed my hands together and then laid my head back on the head rest. I was exhausted and the day had just begun. I thought about Ethan being in school, sitting inside his homeroom and watching as the rest of the kids turned in their Sun Valley permission slips. Then I sighed and leaned forward. I was going to follow through with Jake’s plan. I had made my decision.
“Here you go.” Jake handed me a mug of steaming coffee and then sat down in the floral upholstered chair across from me.
“Thanks.” I took a sip and then looked at Jake. I was ready to talk business.
“So. Here’s the deal. Like I was telling you yesterday, the guy’s name is Matthew Devine. He owns Grace Valley Ranch, which I told you is just off Fountain Highway. He’s been in the news lately for all of these big charity contributions and what-not.” Jake frowned and then threw his hand up in dismissal. “I don’t give a crap about any of that, because I know the guy’s just doing it for good publicity. He needs it with his track record.”
I looked up with suspicion. “Track record? Oh, geeze, Jake. What kind of guy are you trying to set me up with?” I put my hands on my hips and then tilted my head.
“The guy’s not innocent, Emma. That’s part of the hitch. You see, Matthew has been married before. In fact, he’s been married three other times.” At that point Jake chuckled and then covered his mouth. “I don’t approve at all, Emma. The guy has some history.” He eyed me with apprehension. “He’s a murderer, Emma. And he’s kept it all under wraps.” Jake took a long sip of his
coffee and then set his mug on the table.
My eyes were the size of saucers. “Let me get this straight, Jake.” I looked around his house to ensure that Andy and Patty had left for school. Then I whispered. “You want me to meet some rancher named Matthew who killed his previous wives? And pretend to fall in love with him so that he’ll ask to marry me?” I sat back on the couch, my head swirling with anger and confusion. “Are you crazy? I mean, seriously. Are you?” All of the optimism that I had slowly nurtured over the last day vanished. I was now angry and confused.
“Emma, listen.” Jake leaned in and looked me square in the eyes. “Ain’tnothing perfect. You know it, and I know it. Life is tough, and sometimes you gotta roll with the damn punches. I’m offering this plan to you as a way for both of us to finally get free. Look at his place. I got a roof that needs to be re-shingled, a corral that needs fencing, and a kid whose three months away from college. Not to mention a wife who needs a new car so that she can still get to her teaching job all the way in Pocatello. I need the cash just like you do.” Jake looked serious now. His playful demeanor had dissolved, and I knew that he meant every word that she said.
“Well I never said that you didn’t have your own issues, Jake. I get it. But why the hell are you roping me into them? I got enough to deal with at home with my dilapidated house and a barn full of goats that need food. Not to mention all the debt I’m in from the truck and then the mortgage…” I wanted to ramble on but I cut myself short. Jake looked at me for a second and then covered his mouth.
“Emma. Can you trust me? For once?” Jake clasped his hands and then narrowed his gaze. I wanted to trust him, but it would take a lot of courage. The horses neighed outside and I took a deep breath. Then I took a sip of my coffee and slowly nodded my head.
“I’ll try.” I sat back and folded my arms across my chest, feeling just as disappointed as I had yesterday.
Chapter 6
Jake ran his hands through his hair and then leaned in. “You know, I can’t let Sue know about any of this. She’d be beside herself if she knew what I was trying to do.” He spoke in an emphatic whisper. “So, like I was saying. The guy murdered his previous wives to get to their money. They were all ranchers’ daughters, and his goal was to get their cash. He did well, because he ended up one of the richest men in Idaho, but at what expense?” Jake looked at me as if he were waiting for me to respond. I simply shrugged.
“I’m not following. If this guy has all the money in the world, then why the heck is he looking for some kind of mail order bride? He has the means to go wherever he wants, I’m assuming. What does he want to find a woman this way?” I couldn’t quite make sense of it, but then I figured that maybe the man was just peculiar in that way. Jake threw his arms up in the air.
“I don’t know why, Emma. But I do know that he wants to find love. His story to the public is that he inherited his uncle’s ranch. You can see why all the women he married in the past though that he was a good catch. He gave them his story and the fell for it. Then they married him, and he turned around, killed them, and then made off with all their money. Now’s our chance to take this guy for what he’s worth.” Jake looked at me with determination in his eyes. I nodded my head, trying to absorb all of what he just told me.
“Okay, Jake. I’m done asking questions. I think it’s a crazy idea, to be honest, and I’m not really interested in this guy’s past, or in what the public thinks of him. I have my own problems to think about. But if you think that this guy is our ticket to freedom, then I’m willing to follow through with your plan.” I looked at him, surprised at myself that the words had even come out. A smile broke out across Jake’s face.
“Great. I think we’re both going to be happy, Emma. Just wait and see.” Jake finished of his coffee and then got up to make another cup. “You want any more?” He peered from around the kitchen corner and I shook my head.
“No. I’m about to get going, anyway, unless we have more to discuss. I guess you just need to tell me what I need to do, or where I need to go. Is this man conducting interviews? Will we have any dates? It all sounds quite awkward, if you ask me.” I was still highly skeptical, and my previous optimism had been squandered, but I still hung on to hope. It was all I really had.
“I’ll set it all up. All you have to do is be agreeable, and be ready.” Jake smiled and then walked toward me, his hands on his hips, and that wily look back in his eye. I gazed outside at the horses and the cows, and thought back to how Paul used to love watching his animals outside. It sent a twinge of pain through my heart, but I dismissed it, unwilling to let another day be marred with the heaviness of sorrow. I was ready to move on with my life. I had no other choice.
“I’m ready. You know where to find me. Just do me a favor, Jake?” I looked at him with concern. He raised his eyebrows and waited for my request.
“What’s that?”
“Please don’t say anything to Ethan.” I eyed him with conviction. He knew that when it came to Ethan, I was highly protective. He nodded his head and then gave me a salute.
“Your wish is my command.” He smiled and then walked me to the door. I opened the latch and then stepped onto the porch, looking up at the sun as its rays cut through a layer of cloud cover. I wasn’t quite sure what I had just signed up for, but I hoped that I could trust Jake to see that we both made out okay in the end. I was beginning to realize that without Paul by my side, I had to man my own ship now, make my own decisions. Sometimes it felt good, but most of the time it felt scary.
“Stop by when you have more to tell me, okay?” I was eager to get started. I assumed that I’d be meeting Matthew soon, and I wanted to have some time to digest what I would next. Where would we get together? What would I tell him about Paul? Most importantly, what would I tell Ethan?
My mind was reeling when I got inside the truck. I backed out of the driveway and watched as Jake entered the corral. He threw a halter over one of the horse’s heads and then led her to the barn. The sky brightened as the last cluster of clouds dissolved, and a flock of birds took residence in one of Jake’s oak trees. The truck rumbled past the sheep and eventually onto the main road. I looked in my rearview mirror, and for the first time in almost two years, I felt a smile form across my face.
Chapter 7
I stood in front of my full length mirror again. But this time I was a little more pleased with what I saw. My hair was combed out and pulled up in a barrette, and my eyes were lined with a thin brown pencil. I had dabbed a little concealer over the dark circles, and then applied some peach lip gloss on my lips. I was certainly no runway model, but I looked a lot better than I had last week. When Ethan saw me, it was unexpected.
“Mom?” He barged in my room and then froze. “Why do you look like that?” His face was one of repulsion. I felt immediately insecure and embarrassed.
“Well…” I stammered and then drew in a deep breath. “Well, Ethan, I’m going on a date.” I smiled and then stood with my hands at my side, ready to face the reaction that I was sure would come.
“A what?” Ethan shook his head in disbelief. I sat down on the edge of the bed and smoothed out my long, wool skirt. It was one of my homemade favorites, with appliqué flowers and fine stitching on the hem. I had paired it with an amber sweater that my mother had bought for me as a Christmas gift last year, and a pair of leather boots that Paul had bought me as a birthday present before he passed away. Ethan gaped at me.
“I said that I’m going on a date, Ethan. I thought you were over at Billy’s house. I was going to talk to you about it once I was dressed, but here you are.” I tried to be as calm as possible, but I could sense the rising emotions in both of us. Before I could say anything else, Ethan ran out of the room. I waited to hear the slam of the screen door, which followed only seconds later. Then I got up and wandered to the window and watched as he fled across the backyard and back toward Billy’s yard.
I was meeting Matthew at the Billy Goat Saloon about five miles no
rth, and I was supposed to be there at six. Now, I was too worried about Ethan to even focus on what else needed to be done before I left the house. I hurried out of the bedroom and then made my way into the kitchen. I made up a peanut and butter jelly sandwich for Ethan, and poured him a glass of milk. I placed the sandwich on a plate and then tucked it safely in the fridge. Then I scrawled him a note:
Ethan, I will tell you about Matthew when I get home. Please try to understand. Don’t be mad. I left you a pb and j in the fridge. I’ll make you some dinner when I get home around nine. Love, Mom.
I smoothed back my hair and took a few deep breaths. My nerves were frayed, and I had a fleeting thought about cancelling the date. No, Emma. I frowned and told myself that I had to follow through. I told Jake that I was going to do it, and I wanted to keep my word. He had set it all up a few days prior by getting in touch with Matthew. Apparently they both thought it was going to be a great pairing, and they had decided that the Billy Goat was a safe, family oriented beef and beer that would make for a comfortable first meeting.
I would have to address everything with Ethan later. For now, I needed to focus on getting over there, and meeting Matthew. If it turned out that we just really didn’t hit it off, then I’d be home even sooner than nine. I took one last look in the mirror before locking up and getting in the truck. I could see all the pain from the last few years in my eyes, and realized that there wasn’t much I could do to erase it. I could only try and make the best of what I had now, and try to enjoy myself.