‘Look at me,’ he said. ‘Just like the early years after the demons left.’
‘A shame we can’t sit and reminisce about it any more,’ said Sol.
‘Just one sip will do. But we have diluted the poison with some particularly fine Blackthorne red so you might feel a long draught is in order.’
‘How . . . how quickly does it work?’ asked Diera, voice admirably steady.
‘A matter of moments,’ said Densyr. ‘And there is no pain.’
‘Nothing physical anyway,’ she said, trying to smile and bursting into tears instead. ‘Sorry, sorry.’
‘For what?’ asked Ilkar. ‘For having more courage than the rest of us put together? Or for marrying a man determined to be a hero even after he’s dead?’
It was a weak attempt at humour but the tension released just a little anyway.
‘I need you all to leave now,’ said Diera. ‘You don’t have to move Hirad if you don’t need to. And you might as well leave Auum too. They don’t seem to be taking part any more.’
Ilkar glanced at the elves. Their heads were still bowed in prayer, their arms on each other’s shoulders.
‘C’mon, let’s go. Through here, Densyr?’
‘It is marginally more comfortable than the corridor,’ said Densyr.
‘Jonas, Hirad, come here,’ said Sol.
Ilkar ushered Vuldaroq through the door and closed it quietly behind him.
‘Jonas, you have important work to do,’ said Sol.
‘I know what’s happening, Father. And I’ll be strong and I’ll look after everyone for you.’
Sol smiled and put a hand to Jonas’s cheek.
‘Tell me you really understand,’ said Sol.
Jonas swallowed hard and blinked away the moisture in his eyes. ‘I know what is in that goblet. And I know you are going to drink it. I know that means I will never see you again but—’
Sol dragged him into a crushing embrace as Jonas broke down, sobbing on his father’s shoulder. So much surged through Sol. Conflicts raged within his mind, his heart and his soul. Holding his son so close, smelling his hair and feeling his heaving chest and his breath, all desire to leave deserted him. He didn’t care how long he clung on to Jonas. He didn’t flinch when another massive impact struck the college but he covered his boy’s head to stop the dust falling in his hair.
Sol looked at the goblet placed on the ground near him. The wine and poison had a film of dust on its surface. Sol reached out a hand, ready to knock it flying, scatter the contents across the stone and bring an end to the madness. Sol felt his pulse rattling in his temple and the heat in his face. The tears flowed down his cheeks. Slowly, he pulled Jonas away from him. Their two faces were close together. Jonas wiped Sol’s cheek.
‘I wish with all my heart you didn’t have to do this,’ he said. ‘But I am proud. Because you always want to save those you love and even those you do not know. Just like you taught me.’
Sol almost choked and his love for his son deepened further than even he thought possible. He saw Diera’s face, admiration through the pain. She reached out a hand and stroked Jonas’s hair.
‘You really are your father’s son,’ she said. ‘Gods falling, but you will keep me strong, I know it.’
‘Remember this day,’ said Sol. ‘Remember this moment. Because it was when you became the man you were destined to be. So much important work lies ahead of you but none more than this. Contact Sha-Kaan. Tell them what we are doing. We need his help on the journey.’
‘I will, Father.’
‘I love you, Jonas. And from beyond death, I will always do so.’
‘One day, we’ll stand together again,’ said Jonas. ‘But I’ll be old and grey like you before that happens.’
Sol chuckled. ‘I am proud you are my son. And I trust no one more than you to see the family safe. No one.’
Jonas almost burst as he breathed in and stood up. ‘I will not let you down, Father.’
‘I know you won’t.’
Jonas stepped away and let young Hirad come to Sol’s embrace.
‘And what about you, young man?’ he asked.
Hirad’s little round face was creased with the anxiety he had picked up around him but there was no genuine understanding in his eyes.
‘I want to come with you,’ he said brightly.
‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ said Sol. ‘Too dangerous. And I need you to look after your mother.’
‘When will you be back? You promised to teach me to ride a horse.’
Sol bit his lip. ‘Sometimes we cannot do everything we want to do. Sometimes there isn’t enough time.’
‘But when you come back,’ said Hirad.
‘I cannot lie to you, young Hirad. Even if you don’t understand now, one day you will and it is better that the truth was not hidden from you. So listen.’
Sol shifted his body and hoisted Hirad to sit on his thigh so he could hold the boy close while he spoke.
‘I have to go to a place now from which I will not be able to return. I have to go to search for a new place for you to live because it is not safe here any more.’
‘But why can’t you come back?’ There were tears in Hirad’s eyes now and a quiver to his voice as the message began to sink in.
‘You remember what happened to your grandmother just a little while ago?’
Hirad nodded. ‘She died.’
‘Yes, she did. And . . . and for me to go to the place I must go, I have to die too. And that means I cannot come back to you because no one can come back when they are dead.’
Hirad frowned. ‘Yes, they can. There are lots of them here now. You can do that too, can’t you.’
‘Get out of that one,’ whispered Diera, her hand resting on the back of Sol’s neck.
‘Well, at the moment, some dead people are here again but they shouldn’t be. And when you go to your new home, those people will go to their new home and they are in different places. I will be in the other place.’
‘You’ll be dead?’ asked Hirad.
‘Yes, I will,’ said Sol quietly. ‘So I need to tell you now how much I love you and how proud I am of you.’
‘Please don’t go!’ Hirad threw his arms around Sol’s neck and buried his face in Sol’s chest. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘Neither do I, Hirad,’ said Sol, caressing Hirad’s head. ‘But I have to. Because you and Jonas and your mother have to be safe. That is why I have to go.’
‘NO!’ screamed Hirad, and his limbs flailed in Sol’s embrace. ‘You mustn’t.’
‘I’m sorry, Hirad.’ Sol beckoned Jonas closer. ‘Goodbye, little one. Remember me as I remember you.’
Sol unpicked Hirad’s arms from his neck and released him to Jonas. Hirad was screaming and crying, and Sol had to look away to save himself from breaking.
‘Father.’
‘Yes, Jonas,’ said Sol, turning back.
‘Let me down!’ shrieked Hirad. ‘I want Father. Let me down!’
‘Goodbye, Father. I will make him understand.’
‘All in good time,’ said Sol. ‘Go on. It won’t get any easier.’
Jonas nodded, smiled and walked quickly to the door, trying to calm the screaming Hirad. Sol watched them go, breathing in every last glimpse. As the door opened, Jonas turned back a final time. Hirad looked up from his shoulder and reached out.
‘Goodbye,’ said Sol, feeling the sobs building again. ‘Know that I love you.’
The door closed on his boys. His world. Diera’s hand was on his shoulder. He covered it with one of his own. He turned to look at her. She drew him slowly to his feet and they fell into a long, silent embrace.
Chapter 35
Diera did not want the dance to stop. She moved her hands all over his back and arms, feeling the strength of him and the tenderness. She touched the wound in his lower back and felt him relax into it. She breathed in his scent. Male and powerful, sweat and determination. Belief. Another day it would have been an a
phrodisiac too powerful to resist.
His breath was caressing her neck and his hands were stroking her back. They swayed gently where they stood, closer than she could remember for years. Before the visions began.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t believe you,’ she said.
‘When?’
Neither of them moved to look at the other. The touch was everything.
‘When The Raven came to you in your dreams.’
‘I’m glad you didn’t,’ he said. ‘Someone had to challenge me. It’s always been you.’
‘And are you ready now?’
‘No. But I never will be.’
‘I love what you said to the boys. They will hurt but they will never feel cheated.’
‘I hope not. And what about you?’
‘I’ve felt cheated of you so often it ceases to surprise me,’ she said, and did surprise herself by laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘You, my hero husband. Because you ought to be a ridiculous figure but you never were and you never will be.’
‘How so?’
‘Men puff themselves up for all sorts of stupid things. Trying to make themselves great in the eyes of their women and their children. But you . . . well you just went and did what you had to do every time. Hardly even a backward glance and never any big words. That was hard. Sometimes I wanted you to be all grand and speak about the great good you were setting off to do.’
‘You’d have seen straight through that.’
‘And you always came back like you’d spent the day at the bakery or something.’
Diera could feel Sol smiling.
‘Not this time. And I suppose my grand words lacked a little.’
‘Well you’ve not had a great deal of practice.’
They fell silent again, continuing to sway. But Diera knew it could not go on. Three further impacts rattled through the catacombs, each one sounding closer and more violent than the last. She prised herself away from him and the chill that touched her body was a prelude to all that was to come.
‘Come on. I don’t want this to be more of a waste than it already is,’ she said.
Sol took her by the hand and they walked slowly towards the goblet that sat on the floor beneath the grey, static mist. They stood staring down at it.
‘That dust will seriously impair the flavour,’ said Sol.
Diera punched his shoulder. ‘Don’t.’
Sol drew them down. He sat cross-legged on the floor. She let him go and picked up the goblet, caressing it in both of her palms. She gazed down at the liquid that was to kill her husband. A teardrop fell into its centre, rippling the dust. Everything that she had tried to shut from her mind came crashing back in and she felt the strength desert her. Sol had taken the goblet from her, replaced it on the ground and dragged her to him before she gave in. The agony washed over her and through her, wiping away her courage and leaving her only with despair and a desperate longing that felt like a shard of ice in her heart.
‘I can’t . . .’ she began. ‘I don’t . . . want . . . this.’
‘I know, love, I know. Lean into me, let it out.’
And she did. She tried to talk but all that came were mumbles of her anguish. Her cries came out hard, tearing from deep within her and rasping in her throat. Her body quaked in Sol’s arms and she thumped uselessly at his chest.
‘Don’t make me . . . don’t make me. Don’t leave me alone.’
‘My darling, you will never be alone. I will live in you and the boys for as long as you need me.’
‘But I cannot reach for you in the night. I cannot feel you close to me.’
‘I know, I know.’
Sol’s chest was heaving and she felt dampness on her shoulder and the fall of tears on the side of her face. She forced the collision of memories, future fears and current pain from her mind and fought to regain a little control.
‘How will I know you have done what you go to do?’
‘Because a door will open next to you and you will walk through it and into a new world. A new home where you and the boys can be safe forever.’
‘How long will it take?’
‘I cannot say, my love. But trust me that I will succeed. Believe in me, and it will make me stronger on my journey. And stay hidden down here, far from the Heart and far from the surface. The enemy will not touch you here. Let Densyr keep you safe. He is returned to himself just in time.’
Diera nodded and let Sol go again. She wiped at her tears with the backs of her hands. Sol cupped her face and kissed her tenderly.
‘It was always you who was the true hero,’ he said. ‘Wherever I was and whoever I fought, you always stood by me, gave me faith. I need you to do that one more time.’
‘I will,’ whispered Diera.
She leaned to her right and picked up the goblet. Her hand did not shake any more. She sat down beside him, switched the goblet to her left hand and put her right arm about his shoulders. He let out a great shuddering breath.
‘I will not fail you,’ he said.
‘You never do,’ she replied.
Diera brought the goblet towards his lips. His right hand came across and held it with her.
‘Goodbye, my love. My life was ever sweetened by your presence,’ said Sol.
‘Goodbye, Sol. Until our souls touch each other again.’
They brought the cup to his lips and after the slightest pause he drank, not stopping until the last of the mixture was gone. Diera took the goblet and laid it on the ground. She put a hand to his cheek and turned his face towards hers. Sol placed both his hands on her, cupping her neck and she did likewise. They held each other’s gaze and a lifetime flowed between them.
Sol’s eyes blinked slowly. One of his hands fell to his side. She turned him then, leaning his head against her chest so that she could stroke his cheek. Her other hand lay on his chest.
‘Rest now, my darling. Rest.’
Above her, the mist cleared and a warmth entered the room, caressing their bodies. Sol’s chest rose and fell. It did not rise again.
‘Oh Sol. My strength, my brave heart. I love you. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.’
Diera held her to him and rocked him gently until she felt tender hands about her.
Chapter 36
He felt no pain and no regret. There was no fanfare within to mark his passing. He had no idea what to expect but the memories of words spoken by returning souls. He could see nothing and he did not feel as if he was moving. No sensations touched him and the fact of his solitude did not scare him.
Here was the place between life and death. He knew his soul had left his body, that all he was now was a soul. Slowly, his new awareness and senses, if he could call them that, brought him knowledge of his surroundings. Luminescence, like light seen through closed eyelids. Sound. A rushing, scourging noise, distant and contained. The void, he assumed.
He moved towards the luminescence. It was the only thing in his new reality. Anywhere else he cast his senses, there was nothing at all. He needed to know more. The closer he came, the greater his understanding. Here was a doorway. That meant he was floating in the chamber in the catacombs. The doorway was open. Through it, he could distinctly sense a pathway. That meant his death had indeed completed the spell.
He reached out further. Energy encased the door. Strands of it, keeping it steady while the void beating around outside it fought to snap it shut. He could sense the void more definitely now. A seething ocean of random energies revealed as flecks of yellow-gold and deep bronze in a sea of pale grey.
It was the flecks that added light to the passageway. They shone through its walls. Walls that were not solid, and if he had still possessed a body it would have been like walking on taut canvas. He came to the doorway and reached out.
For the first time he felt fear but it was ephemeral. A sudden clash of light and sound had startled him and he had no reference point for safety. But his act of reaching had triggered something.
The pathway fled off to a point he could not make out. The chaotic sounds of the void became muted. And he heard voices. More shockingly, he could see his own hand and he stared down at the shapes it made as he trailed it in front of what he assumed were his eyes, or the soul’s equivalent.
‘Yes, yes, we all did that. Making blurry motions with our shiny new limbs.’
Sol - he thought of himself as Sol again - turned in the doorway. Shapes were approaching. Like silhouettes formed of a grey light. Slowly, they resolved themselves as they walked towards him. But even if he didn’t recognise their shapes yet, he knew the voice.
‘Hirad?’
‘Yes. Me. Us. Ilkar, Sirendor, Thraun. And a few others who might come in handy although I don’t really know how fighting is done here.’
‘Where are we?’ asked Sol. ‘Why do you appear to be walking? I thought souls had no physical form.’
‘Interesting, isn’t it? I think we’re still technically on Balaia at the moment, by the way.’ Ilkar. ‘It happened the first time I died too. I think the mind can’t stop working the way it does when you’re alive. Not for a while, anyway. When I got to my rest, this body stuff all faded away and everything changed to bliss.’
‘Same here,’ said Sirendor.
‘What now?’ asked Sol.
‘You opened the door and you must be the first through it. Then others can follow.’ Thraun.
‘And it leads to Ulandeneth?’
‘We’d better bloody hope so,’ said Hirad. ‘Or Diera is going to be seriously unimpressed with your sacrifice.’
‘That is where it leads, though the pathway is dangerous.’
Another new voice. Other figures were approaching but a little distant yet.
‘Then we should go,’ said Sol.
He moved inside the pathway. All at once he heard a sigh as of a thousand voices finding comfort together.
‘What was that?’ he asked.
‘You will see,’ said the new voice. One he recognised but could not place. ‘But we must go. The enemy will be aware of this corridor. ’
Sol shrugged. Or he thought he did.
‘No time like the present.’
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