by C. E. Case
Meredith nodded at her, almost imperceptibly.
Natalie put the first pancakes onto a plate. Meredith poured the wine. The kids squirmed around them like eager, honking seals, reaching for the food before it was cool enough to handle. Beau attacked with the syrup, making a mess. Natalie took an offered wine glass gratefully and drank, the cool liquid tasting shockingly exotic and sinful after a month without alcohol.
Her stomach warmed. Her skin flushed. She set the glass down and poured the next few pancakes. Her back turned, liquor in her, she could safely let her eyes water with how much she loved this family, and how fake and fragile and hopeless the idyllic setting really was. She should have stayed in Charlotte. Being happy was worse than anything she'd experienced before.
She took the spatula, and with blurry eyes, dug at the patties.
"Hurry up," Beau said. His words were garbled. His mouth was probably full of dough, and maple syrup probably stained his face.
She'd be glad to leave, she told herself. Her apathy was helped by the wine and the smell of food and the ability to stand up without crying out in pain. She could turn inward now, and it wouldn't matter what Meredith said to her tonight.
# #
Chapter Twenty
They'd let the boys stay up and watch The Lion King. The boys fell asleep on the couch with the movie still flickering in front of them.
Meredith did the dishes. Natalie worked her way from the couch to sit at the kitchen table. She poured a second glass of wine. Meredith settled into the stool opposite hers. She looked tired and for the first time Natalie noticed lines around her eyes and the blotchy, imperfect texture of her skin.
"It's none of my business," Natalie said. She took a sip of wine and found it hard to look at Meredith. But Meredith watched her.
"It's okay. I guess I misrepresented myself. It was just--you were the first friend I had since it all happened. And the first one who didn't know. So I guess I didn't want you to know." Meredith inhaled.
Natalie studied her glass.
"He drank a lot, after he came back. That's why the boys were worried. Soon they won't remember their daddy's bad habits. When they're older, they won't really remember him at all." Meredith's eyes filled with tears.
Natalie wanted to reach out to her, but she didn't know what she should say. She swallowed hard, and kept listening.
"We didn't even keep alcohol in the house before the war. Baptists, you know. And such a church wedding. Punch and pretzels." She chuckled. "It was great."
"But after?" It pained her to hear about Meredith's happy times with Vincent. Maybe that idyllic time was just as fake as dinner had been.
"He'd been sending me letters. He'd met someone--he wanted me to meet them. And the boys, too. He sounded so happy. For the first time in his life--you don't know, but it was hard. I mean, he had Jake, but around here, it wasn't always easy to make friends. Real friends. Not just the people you grew up with. The people you'd resented your whole life. He said the military was different. For the first time, he could see what the world was like, and it wasn't like it was back here."
Meredith smiled sadly at Natalie and took another sip of wine. "He wanted to take us there. Be a part of that life. But his friend was shot. Friendly fire. And Vince felt, I guess, like that was his last chance. He just gave up. Didn't think he could do it again. Handle all the pain. That and the war and being away from the boys, it all messed with his head so bad. And the drinking helped, but it made him weak. He tried to hurt himself so he could come home. Home to this place he hated.
"And once he was home, he kept trying and trying. It just got worse."
Natalie put her hand on Meredith's arm. Meredith cried, turning away from her. Her voice was shaky, and there was hesitation between her words.
"What happened?" Natalie asked.
"We were arguing--shouting. We did that a lot. It scared Beau and Merritt. And the neighbors. Heck, they called the cops on us a couple of times. It wasn't any different that night. But the way Vince was talking--I was afraid he'd hurt the boys. He wanted to go away--He wanted to go back--but it was gone. It was all gone." Meredith patted Natalie's hand with her free one, and then wiped at her cheeks.
Natalie nodded. A lump rose in her throat.
"He hit me and it wasn't--It wasn't the first time. I didn't hate him. He was in agony, and he trusted me--me and no one else, anymore. But--it hurt."
Natalie imagined the bruises on Meredith's cheeks--now faded, but shadowed there, in her past.
"Lots of men do it to control. You know, they get so frustrated their world isn't in the order they'd like it to be--we see it at the hospital all the time. And it was the same with Vince, in a way, but he just wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop. I think he hated me for being alive when his true love wasn't. And I was in Hell. I shouldn't have loved him so much, but I did."
"So," Natalie said, her voice hoarse, "You stopped it."
"He was screaming. He had so much anguish in him, he just couldn't let it all out fast enough, he wanted to rip off his own skin to let it out, I could tell, and he came at me, and I thought he was going to make me hurt the way he did, with his bare hands, and I--I grabbed the knife."
The last word was choked, and after she said it, Meredith kind of deflated. Her shoulders slumped. She stroked Natalie's fingers idly, worrying them. "I wish I could say it was purely self-defense, but a part of me was just--so tired. So tired of it all. So tired of him. He wanted out. I wanted out."
"I'm sorry," Natalie said. And she was. All the fear left her. She reached across the island and cupped Meredith's face, first in her free hand, and then in both. Meredith's cheeks were hot, and tears dripped onto her fingers.
Meredith squeezed her eyes shut. She took Natalie's wrists, to hold her hands against her face, but she didn't say anything and she made no movement until her breathing slowed and she didn't have to clench so hard to keep the pain from showing. She smiled weakly and squeezed Natalie's wrists.
Natalie dropped her hands, self-conscious. "Who was this person he met? In the war?"
Meredith exhaled. She stared at the wine instead of Natalie, and said, "That's the other half of it. I've never told anyone. Not my lawyer. Not my family. Only Jake knows, and I—I didn't tell him."
"I'll go away, and you'll never have to worry." Natalie meant it jovially, but Meredith winced.
Natalie got up from her stool and walked around the island, glancing once at the sleeping boys before putting one arm around Meredith's shoulders. Meredith shuddered and went on staring at the wine glass.
"Tell me," Natalie said. She knew when people were at their breaking point. She used her free hand to stroke Meredith's hair.
"They were in love. I was okay with that. Because Vince and I never were. Not passionate. We were best friends. All through grade school and high school and prom and I never had a friend like Vince. He protected me and took care of me and--but he'd found someone, finally. I was so happy. Jealous, too. The way he talked. I never knew that kind of happiness, the kind that would make him think he could take the boys and live and his friend would care for me, too, and it would all be okay.
"Have you felt love like that? The kind that makes you think paradise is possible?" Meredith asked.
"No."
"Me either. But Vince found it. And then they took it away from him."
"Who was his friend?" Natalie asked.
"Tommy. Tommy Birch. From Georgia. I have his picture somewhere. His parents wouldn't let Vince go to his funeral. They knew who Vince was, and they wouldn't--It killed him. Not as much as I did, but it killed him all the same."
Natalie hugged Meredith, standing by the stool. Meredith began to sob against her chest. Natalie didn't know what to do, what to say. She smoothed Meredith's hair and stayed silent, wanting to cry too but processing too much to let her emotions overtake her thoughts, at least for the time Meredith cried in her arms.
"I'm sorry," Meredith said, her breathing ragge
d. She held onto Natalie tightly. "I'm sorry. I've never had a friend to tell that to. Not with Vince gone."
"And his family?" Natalie asked.
"They loved the old Vince as much as I did. Loved him so much they wouldn't believe in the new one. They blamed me. They never wanted me to marry him. They knew, somehow, we weren't in love. That there was something…wrong. But they thought it was my fault. I was tricking him. If I hadn't tied him down, he could find someone. He wouldn't have to--"
Meredith stopped, and Natalie rubbed her back, still full of questions about the boys, and about why Meredith would marry a man who didn't love her and didn't want her, but for now she could see Meredith was spent. She was exhausted and drank too much wine. Natalie eased back, keeping one hand on her shoulder.
"Mom," Beau called from the couch, "Why aren't you watching the movie with us?"
Natalie glanced at Meredith and shrugged.
Meredith took Natalie's elbow and walked with her slowly across the living room carpet, where they crowded onto the old, lumpy couch with Beau. Merritt slept sprawled on his back on the floor, his mouth wide open, snoring.
Natalie felt awkward, sitting next to Meredith, their shoulders pressed together, pretending to be normal. So she shifted and put one arm around Meredith's shoulders instead. Meredith gave her a grateful smile, and reached across and took her free hand and pulled it into her lap. They stayed together, reading the subtitles, with Beau curled against Natalie's back like a heating pad.
Meredith fell asleep in her arms. Merritt woke up enough to crawl off to his own bed. Natalie knew her body would hurt all over tomorrow morning.
#
Meredith woke in Natalie's embrace. She snuggled closer, wrapping herself against warm curves. Her cheek pressed a breast, and she--Her eyes flew open. Everything twisted inside her. She wanted to get away. Confessing everything to Natalie should have resulted in recrimination, not comfort, and if she even deserved comfort, exploiting it was--She shook herself, suppressing the thoughts, wishing away the heat from her body, and stood up.
Beau squirmed. She scooped him into her arms and took him upstairs to bed. The boys slept on as if nothing had happened.
She went back to wake Natalie.
"Mugh?" Natalie said.
"Come on. I put Beau to bed. You're going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow if you stay on the couch."
Natalie yawned. "I don't feel any pain now."
"You will. Come on." Meredith tugged on her hand.
"It's hard to walk."
"Big baby." Meredith squeezed her fingers.
Natalie sighed.
"Come on."
Natalie put her arms on Meredith's shoulders and together they stood. "Ow."
"See?"
"Ow. I had surgery!"
Meredith ignored her and helped her hobble to the bedroom. She made Natalie stand while she turned down the sheets and then tucked her arms under Natalie's again, pulling up her hem.
"Um," Natalie said.
Meredith's hands froze on her abdomen, with her shirt halfway to her breasts. "Fine, change clothes yourself." She ducked out of the room, blushing at what she had almost seen.
"That isn't what I meant," Natalie called.
Meredith went upstairs to the medicine cabinet. When she went back to Natalie's bedroom, she handed Natalie a pill and a glass of water.
"I've been drinking."
"Hours ago, and not very much."
Natalie frowned at the pill in her hand.
"Please. I'm your nurse."
Natalie swallowed the pill and then finished off the water.
"Goodnight." Meredith's thoughts turned to leaving and going upstairs, to re-living their conversation over and over.
"Stay."
Natalie gazed at Meredith as if Meredith weren't some kind of monster, but just a woman and a friend.
The tenderness of the gaze made Meredith feel worse. "I can't stay."
"It's been a shitty day."
"Nat."
"Well, it has."
"Are you trying to reason me out of my emotional state? Not going to work."
Natalie patted the bed.
Meredith sighed and sat down.
Natalie reached out, her hand landing on Meredith's thigh. "I know you."
The words sent chills through Meredith, even as the touch brought heat. She had no idea how to feel.
"If you go upstairs, you'll just cry all over again."
"If you're going to let me take advantage of your kindness--"
"I am."
"Then at least let me change."
Natalie nodded rolled over, into her pillow. Meredith went upstairs. Her bedroom felt empty and she was glad, pulling on a nightgown and a robe, glad she didn't have to stay. There were places to go. She went back downstairs with a pillow, apprehensive as she slipped into Natalie's bedroom.
Natalie grinned and yawned.
"Thank you," Meredith said.
"I owe you."
Meredith started to say something, but Natalie lifted her hand. Meredith sat on the bed.
"Life will probably be awful all over again tomorrow," Natalie said.
"But not until then?"
"Not until then."
"I brought my own pillow."
Meredith laid it by Natalie's head, and then slid up to get under the sheets. The hospital bed was not quite a double. There was barely room for both of them without touching. Meredith settled cautiously onto her back.
"Good idea," Natalie said.
"I haven't slept with anyone since my husband died."
"You two slept in the same bed?"
"Almost every night he was home. I felt so protected. We tried sleeping with the kids. Very New Age. Merry didn't take to it. He liked his own space. If he was in our room he slept on the floor. But Beau would wriggle in between us, and it was almost perfect."
"I can't promise that."
"No. This is something entirely different."
Silence descended, and after a while Natalie spoke. "I'm glad you told me, Merry. You didn't have to."
"I've wanted to. Thank you for listening."
"Anytime."
"Do you believe me? How I saw it?"
"Yes."
"Other people might have seen it differently."
"I know."
"'Course you do. You're a lawyer."
"I've heard it all before."
"Have you?"
"Yes."
"Did you ever believe them?"
"No. But I believe you."
Meredith closed her eyes. "Night, Nat."
She stopped with those words even though there was more on the tip of her tongue. She figured she'd said enough for one day.
# #
Chapter Twenty-One
Natalie woke up inside a fog. Her back and legs ached. The worst of both worlds, she thought. She tried to stretch her calf and winced. Every morning was going to be like this, probably for the rest of her life. She closed her eyes against the sunlight and tried to sleep until the pain went away.
Of course, she was starving and had to go to the bathroom. A lack of movement was in no way going to help.
Merritt pushed open the door. "Natalie."
"Mare, get out of there," Meredith's voice, louder down the hallway.
Merritt slipped in and closed the door. To buy himself more time, Natalie decided, peering at him under the lids of her eyes. Clever boy.
He bounded onto the bed. No need to slink since he was caught. "Natalie!"
The bed shifting and bending to him sent waves of pain through Natalie. She seized and let out a whimper, and then covered it by gritting her teeth at him.
He grinned. "Get up."
"Don't wanna."
He leaned forward and shook her shoulder. "Get up, get up, get up."
This would be endless, she thought, until she got up. She didn't have the determination and time-management skills of a child.
Meredith burst through the door.
Natalie smirked.
"Merry, you're going to get a whuppin'," Meredith said.
Merritt squirmed off the bed and darted underneath it. "Have to catch me first." He hit upward, against the bed frame.
Natalie grunted.
"I'm so, so sorry," Meredith said, coming to sit on the bed.
Thump.
"Don't be. I have to get up, anyway."
"I was going bring you breakfast."
"I can bring myself to breakfast."
"If you want. How do you feel?"
"Awful."
"Jake's coming by today. He'll make you feel real good."
"Oh, sure." Natalie rolled her eyes. "Hasn't happened yet."
Meredith got up. "We're having eggs. How do you like yours?"
"Poached."
Meredith folded her arms.
Natalie batted her eyelashes.
Meredith went to the door and said in a sing-song voice, "I'm going to make Natalie's eggs all by myself, and she'll love me best, and she'll forget anyone else is in the house."
"No she won't!" Merritt hollered, and scooted out from under the bed and was through the door just as Meredith opened it.
"Well done," Natalie said.
"A mother's gift." Meredith tossed her hair and then went out, shutting the door and leaving Natalie in peace.
Natalie groaned and very slowly and very carefully swung her legs over the side of the bed, and braced herself for standing up. If not for the children, she might not get out of bed at all. Not this morning, not any of the others.
#
"Let me go with you," Natalie said, hobbling into the kitchen. With her walker, which she was not ashamed of, which was her new best friend, it took five minutes to go from the bedroom to the kitchen. Her back was stooped--too cramped to straighten. But her head was clearing, and breakfast would help, and she didn't want any more drugs. She hated the haze they brought. The idea of being mentally useless made her nauseous.
"No," Meredith said.
"I would be useful."
"You'd take over my case?"
Natalie glanced away.
"I'll be all right."
Natalie wanted to say, "Like hell you will," but she bit her tongue and hobbled toward the table.
Meredith lowered her voice even more and said, "It's just an evidentiary hearing. One of the neighbors making a fuss about what he heard, the 911 call, things like that."