by C. E. Case
"I'm good," she said.
"How was yesterday?" Embry persisted. "The visit?"
"She didn't come."
Embry smiled.
Meredith felt her cheeks grow hot. She sat on her hands.
"And how do you feel?" Embry asked.
"How do I feel?" No pictures, no chance to hold someone in her arms who was from the outside, who smelled of the outside, who smelled like her children. "Pretty rotten."
"Merry, we've talked about work release before."
Meredith shook her head.
"It's time to start thinking about your future."
"My future? Doctor, I've been thinking about my future plenty."
Dr. Embry nodded.
Embry had grown up in North Carolina, which was the only thing that made her bearable, but being from Cary, she didn't have an accent. Not to native ears, at least. Her inflection made Meredith self-conscious.
"I know what you mean. You've got your future. But I'm talking about getting from point A to point B. Reintegration."
A shiver went through Meredith. "I'm not--"
She wanted to say "Not ready." She wanted to say, "I don't want to."
"We need to talk about it. It's going to be uncomfortable."
Meredith sighed.
"Your first probation hearing is in two months. Do you feel ready for it?"
"No."
"Maybe when you first got here you thought six months was going to be nothing. Twice a week with your family was going to be enough. Therapy might kick-start some things for you, you might, with a hint of arrogance, actually do some good in the infirmary."
Meredith's eyes stung.
"I've seen you get more depressed, Merry, as time goes on."
"Don't--"
"I won't give you anything, I promise. But it worries me."
Meredith nodded.
"It worries you, too?"
"Yeah."
"Merry, I know you don't like me, but try and trust me."
"I don't need--"
"Anyone's help?"
Meredith glanced away.
"You don't want anyone's help because you think you're undeserving."
Meredith set her jaw.
"But it’s not the same as not needing it."
Meredith found herself not breathing, and forced it out in a gust.
"Do you know why Natalie didn't come yesterday?"
Meredith shook her head. "She just called and said she wasn't."
"Not why?"
"No."
"Or that she couldn't?"
Meredith replayed the conversation in her mind. "No."
"Because she didn't want to lie to you. Not even for your own good. Or to be nice. That's rare, Merry."
"I know it's rare--" Meredith stopped.
Embry leaned forward. "Tell me."
Meredith shook her head.
"The words are all there. Just let them out."
"I know it's rare. I've seen hundreds of patients, cared about dozens of them, fallen in love with a handful. Do you know how many looked back? Do you know how many even saw me? One. Just one. Of course she's trying so hard to be good. It's just--"
"You think there's a point where people stop trying? Effort is finite?"
"She made a mistake. One in a hundred is an anomaly. A fluke. An outlier. And those get discarded."
"And she'll go back to being normal."
"To her own life."
"If I may," Isle said, with Meredith red-faced, breathing hard, gazing away from her, out the window. "Go another level deeper."
Meredith closed her eyes.
"You hate yourself for not letting her go, am I right? For still needing her to come up, despite the burden it places on her. It makes you feel selfish."
"I feel selfish all the time."
"You didn't used to feel this way."
"Selfish?"
"Alone."
Meredith tried to think of a time when she didn't feel alone. When Vincent was sending her letters from overseas. Just like she and Natalie were sending letters now. Words forming crazy dreams for the future. She had seen it manifest. Vincent's friend killed in war, his hopes crashing down. His home life, his children, his town, suddenly and irrevocably fake.
"This isn't the life she wants," Meredith said.
"Where is God in all of this, Merry?"
Meredith gave a short laugh. "Yeah. Where is He?"
Embry offered Meredith a sheet of paper. "I know why Natalie wasn't here yesterday."
"Why?"
"She's coming today. You've been granted 24 hour family leave, for good behavior as part of your pre-parole program."
"What?"
"You'll be released at three o'clock. Go, get ready."
"How do I get ready?"
"How do you feel like getting ready?"
"I feel like throwing up."
"Well, that's a start. And then maybe a shower?"
"Yeah, okay." She'd have to shave her legs. And brush her teeth like never before. And--She gave Embry a panicked look.
Embry waved her off. "Go, go."
#
Meredith changed into jeans and a white blouse. Her own clothes, which they had on file for her at the prison, but she wasn't allowed to wear unless leaving. The guard handed over her wallet. She opened it to study her driver's license. She nearly cried. There she was, free and granted the right to operate motor vehicles by the state of North Carolina.
The wallet still held twenty-five dollars and a picture of Vincent and the boys. She closed it and put it into her pocket.
"I'm ready," she said.
But she wasn't, not for the blinding sunlight of the September day. Not for the gates sliding open. The guard walked her to the entrance and then let her go.
"Really?" Meredith asked.
"Really, Merry. Go on. Get out of here."
Meredith scanned the parking lot and the row of trees beyond the gate. Her own car was there, the old station wagon under an oak tree. Natalie leaned against the hood, smiling. Not moving. Just smiling.
Meredith resisted the urge to run toward her. She didn't know what she'd do once she got there. Natalie kept smiling and when Meredith neared, opened her arms. Meredith flung herself at Natalie, hugging her.
"How did you--" she asked against Natalie's shoulder.
Natalie rubbed her back with firm circles. Meredith had missed those hands.
"I pulled some strings," Natalie said.
"You..."
Natalie only held her.
"I don't deserve this," Meredith said.
Natalie cupped her head and gently drew her back, to smile into her face.
Meredith felt her heart opening, easing.
"I don't care," Natalie said, and kissed her.
Meredith sighed into the kiss, reveling in the feel of Natalie's lips sliding against hers. Her heart pounded, first in fear--but as seconds passed and no one stopped her, no one condemned her, she parted her lips, straining to deepen the kiss. Natalie responded, and then Natalie's tongue moved against hers and her heart pounded.
Natalie's fingers were in her hair, scratching lightly. Meredith broke the kiss. She laughed.
Natalie raised her eyebrows.
Meredith reached up to trace them. "I thought I'd be nervous."
"Me, too."
"I have to go back in there tomorrow."
"Don't think about it."
"The boys?"
Natalie squirmed away from the car, creating distance between them. "I didn't bring them. They're with Jake."
"Of course. It's Thursday." Meredith felt a pang of regret. Twenty four hours with her children would have been a treasure. She missed them so much it hurt.
Natalie pulled her back into a hug. "If I kiss you again, we're never leaving this parking lot."
"And people are watching us, anyway."
"Don't you hate that?"
Meredith shook her head. "They're my friends. My family, I guess. I don't mind it i
n there."
Natalie squeezed her shoulder.
"So, we're not going home?"
"No. Wilson."
"What's in Wilson?"
"Do you want to be surprised?"
"No. No, I'm--" Meredith tucked her cheek against Natalie. "I'm so used to routine I don't know how much shock my system can take."
"Patrick's sister's cousin's boyfriend has a house at Silver Lake."
"We know a lot of people with great houses."
Natalie stiffened. "Yeah."
"What is it?"
"Just Jake..."
"Oh yeah, you told me in your letter. And he sent one, too."
"He did?"
"Once a week," Meredith said.
Natalie hugged her closer. "You're unforgettable."
"Take me away from all this."
Natalie actually blushed, stepping back to open the passenger side door. "You don't like it here?"
"I don't want to spend another minute here if I don't have to."
Yet Meredith lingered, standing at the door, glancing back at Conrad. Now she was breathing free air, she felt like a different person. She was scared.
Natalie asked, "What is it?" as she opened her own car door.
"I hate my therapist," Meredith said.
"I know."
"But she was right."
#
Meredith sat with her bare feet on the dashboard, studying Natalie. She'd tried gazing out the window, but Natalie was too distracting. They'd driven in silence for nearly forty-five minutes. No music. No talking beyond directions. Left here. Straight forever. Meredith supposed they should talk. About bills and the kids and their future. Their plans. She didn't want to, though.
She just wanted to stare.
Natalie rolled her neck and let go of the steering wheel with her right hand. She reached for Meredith.
Meredith took her hand. She studied the fingers. She bent the knuckles and made them straighten again. She wanted to feel that hand against her cheek. She settled for squeezing gently.
"Are we supposed to be talking? About the kids, or my case, or whatever?" Natalie asked.
"I may be getting out, soon."
The hand stilled, but Natalie didn't draw away. "I know."
"I don't know what's going to happen. Are we just going to pick up where we left off? Will I have a job? Will you resent me?"
"We've lived together before."
"Kids are cute for a day, but. Come on, Natalie. You don't have to be grateful forever."
Natalie swallowed. Her voice sounded choked when she said, "You're thinking too much, Merry. Whatever's right will just happen. It'll settle into place."
"I don't have any faith."
Natalie glanced at her.
"I thought everything was going to be all right. I got through the trial. I got through the bus ride to prison and then I walked into that place. They took away my clothes. They locked me in a room all by myself."
Natalie squeezed her hand.
Meredith laughed. "Isn't this ironic, or something?"
"It's something. Give and take. I've been reading my way through the library."
Meredith rubbed her knuckles.
"I have a lot of time."
"You're getting adjusted."
"Settling in." Natalie glanced at Meredith again. "Meredith, have faith in me, if no one else. I can do this."
Meredith lifted Natalie's hand to her lips. "You know just what to say."
Natalie chuckled.
"Oh, don't tell me that's in a book, too."
"Made it up myself."
"Fancy lawyah speak, I'm sure."
"Want me to say something in Latin?"
Meredith kissed her hand. "Yes."
"Oh, shoot. Let's see." Natalie hesitated. "Essentiala negotii."
"What does that mean?"
"Basic terms."
Meredith smirked.
Natalie let go of Meredith's hand to point at a sign. "We're almost there."
# #
Chapter Forty-One
They were almost at the cabin before Meredith more closely examined the hand she'd been caresssing. She bent Natalie's arm back at the elbow, until her fingers were at eye-height. Natalie drove slowly with her free hand, glancing at her.
"You got your nails done."
"Took you long enough."
"When?"
The nail polish was chipped in a few places, but Natalie's nails and hands were smooth and seemed well-looked after.
"Friday."
"You can't afford--"
"It was a gift."
"Someone gave you a manicure as a gift?"
"Well, someone paid for it." Natalie didn't want Meredith imagining some woman bent over her, intimately caressing her fingers. The way Meredith was doing now.
"Who? You don't know anyone--like. Women."
"Why don't we have more women friends?"
"Children ruin everything."
"I haven't been to a good happy hour in a year. We've got to go to Wilmington more often."
"I agree. So, who?"
"Oh, Erica."
Meredith's hand tightened on hers.
Natalie raised her eyebrows. "Oops? She interviewed me for the Luis Duarte case."
"You told that woman all that boy's business?"
"Strictly professional."
"Except your hands are like this." Meredith pressed Natalie's palm between hers.
"I promise you, she hasn't seen them."
"No, I understand. I'm in prison. She's gorgeous. She's intelligent. If you want to spend your time with a soulless, amoral--" She hesitated.
"Harlot?" Natalie asked.
"I was going to say strumpet."
Natalie freed her hand to put the car in park. Then she shifted in the seat to see Meredith. "My only thought was of how you'd like it."
"I do. How did you not get snatched up before me?"
"I just didn't date. I didn't bother."
"Why not?"
"Who was out there?"
"You didn't want--"
"Two five year old boys and a girlfriend in prison? I had no idea. Or I would have looked a lot more closely at my case load."
"You just knew what you didn't want."
"I didn't want anyone sharing the life I was living."
Meredith cupped Natalie's chin, cautiously moving her fingers across the skin. "You seem happy."
"I am. When you're not around, I'm not as happy." Meredith dropped her hand but Natalie caught it, and held it. "You're here."
"I'm here. I'm--" Meredith's throat caught. She wanted to say, "I'm all yours." But she wasn't sure. She only knew she wanted to stay right where she was, gazing into Natalie's eyes.
So she did. Natalie gazed back.
Meredith's stomach growled. Her face got hot. "I'm sorry. I'm used to eating at six o'clock every day. Routine."
"Let's see what I brought, then."
"You brought stuff?" Meredith asked as Natalie got out of the car.
"Have I ever."
Meredith came around the car as Natalie opened the trunk. Inside, there were blankets and sheets and a cooler of groceries. Meredith pulled the bag closer. Hamburger meat, buns, eggs, her salt and pepper shakers from home, apples, oranges. She glanced back at Natalie.
"And two presents," Natalie said.
"Presents?"
"Let's get this stuff inside."
Meredith gazed around the area. The water line was past a grove of trees. She didn't see a dock. Just the green lake. The cabin itself was a ranch, small and unexciting, except the side facing the water was all glass. "This is nice."
"I thought it would be better than a hotel."
Meredith blushed.
"Yeah. Exactly." Natalie picked up the cooler and wrapped a plastic bag around her wrist, too.
"Let me."
"Nope. Get the blankets."
Meredith carried them to the door, following Natalie, who put her groceries on the ledge to unlock
the door. Meredith took a last glance around. There was the flat wildness of Eastern Carolina all around them, and a few other wooden cabins peeking out from between the vibrant green. She found it hard to believe there was anyone else within fifty miles.
"Nat?" She called, as they went inside.
"Yeah." Natalie settled her groceries onto a kitchen island.
Meredith dumped the blankets on the couch and came toward her. "When this is all over."
Natalie folded her arms, giving her full attention. Meredith grinned and pulled her arms apart to take her hands.
"Yes?"
"I want you to take me somewhere out of state."
"Like where?"
"California, maybe. To see the beach."
"We have a beach."
"To ride the trolley."
Natalie grinned. She let go of Meredith to encircle her waist. "I'll take you to California."
Meredith chuckled.
"And to Paris."
Meredith shivered.
Natalie kissed her cheek. "And to Rome." Her lips brushed the side of Meredith's neck. "Madrid. Shanghai."
Meredith hugged her tightly. "I was thinking Atlanta?"
"Atlanta."
"To the Coca Cola museum."
Natalie chuckled. "I counter with Charleston."
"I've been to Charleston."
"But have you ever gotten on a boat there, and gone to the Bahamas?"
Meredith shook her head, smiling. "My parents and Vincey's tried to send us on a cruise for a honeymoon."
Natalie tried to pull back, but Meredith kept her embrace secure. "We talked them into the downpayment for the house, instead."
"So practical."
"But a real--" She couldn't quite bring herself to say it. A real honeymoon. She and Natalie on the deck of a boat, the wind in their hair, the smell of the sea. She just said, "I'm so lucky."
"Me too."
Meredith let Natalie kiss her, and rubbed her back in return. "I thought," she said, when Natalie's lips moved to her ear.
"Hm?"
"I'd be more worried."
"About what?"
"About going back. About being here. About my routine."
"And you're not?" Natalie's nose nuzzled into her shoulder.
"I'm only thinking about you."
Natalie gave her a squeeze.
"Let's skip--" Meredith said, but her stomach rumbled, vibrating against Natalie's. And she knew her blood sugar was dropping. Without a boost, she'd lose her good humor.
"Cook dinner for me," Natalie said.
"My presents--"
Natalie slapped her hip, and then went to get the blankets. "I'll just be making the bed."