by Mick Kitson
She was going to defect. That means she was going to find a policeman and say she didn’t want to go back to the GDR and she wanted to stay in London. She told the Stasi men she had got her period and she was feeling ill, and they were all drunk and they didn’t want to leave the bar so they let her go up to her room in the hotel. But she didn’t go to her room. She walked all through the hotel and found a door at the back that went into a yard and then an alley and then came out on a main street with shops and lots of traffic. It was almost midnight and she walked and walked to make sure they weren’t following her and then she went into a police station and said ‘I am an East German doctor and I wish to defect.’ She didn’t have a passport because the Stasi men had it but she had some letters about the conference and she had her SED party membership card and she showed the police and they made her sit in a room for two hours and made lots of phone calls. Then two men in suits came and took her away to a big office block in London and sat in a room with her giving her coffee and cigarettes and they waited until morning.
I went to bed after Ingrid had finished and she said she’d tell me more tomorrow but she was tired and she wanted to go to Magna Bra in the morning to talk to the Goddess. And I said okay.
I got into bed and Peppa was still awake and she was reading Kidnapped with her wee clippy light and I said ‘Is it good?’
She said ‘Well, I dinnae understand a lot of it because it’s old-fashioned, but they get shipwrecked and then Davy gets washed up and stuck on an island and can’t get across to the mainland because he doesn’t know about tides and he thinks the sea will just stay the same all the time. Then he realises and he escapes and then he goes to find Alan. He has got a button off his coat so everyone knows he is Alan’s friend because there are soldiers wanting to catch Alan. I’m not sure why. And then this bad man called the Red Fox gets shot when Davy is talking to him, and he has been stealing money off all the Highlanders in Appin where Alan is a chief of a clan. Davy runs to see who has shot him and he gets pulled into a bush by Alan who is watching him and the Red Fox up a hill . . . Oh, and Alan said he was going to kill the Red Fox so Davy thinks he did, but Alan said he didn’t and then they get chased by soldiers all over the moors and heather and they have to sleep out. Oh, and they get stuck up on a rock in a glen and they can’t get off or all the soldiers will see them and they only have brandy to drink and they need water and it is really hot. Does it get hot in the Highlands?’
I said ‘Aye. In the summer. But it rains mostly.’
‘Well, they get stuck up this rock with all the soldiers round them and they have to stay there all day getting baked in the sun and then they get off and they run again and hide and only have cold porridge to eat. And now they’ve been captured by another clan man called Cluny Macpherson and he makes them play cards and wins all Davy’s money. It’s good. It’s like us. Running and hiding and surviving.’
I was tired and Peppa put her light out and fell asleep. I lay there and thought for a while. I was thinking about Ingrid’s life but mostly about her mother. Her maw probably got murdered by a Russian and she didn’t think about it much at all afterwards. Did she love her? It made me think about Maw and all the things I did to look after her. From even when I was really wee I was always making sure she was alright and she had her cans or her bottle and cleaning up and making sure nobody knew about the drinking or her being asleep. I used to tell people she was working night shifts and she had to sleep all day. I had to watch her too and make sure she didn’t be sick laying on her back because you can choke to death on your vomit. And I had to watch Peppa because when Peppa was really wee she used to climb in and sleep with Maw and I worried Maw would roll on her and suffocate her which can happen but it is not as common as people think.
Maw didn’t do anything when Robert hit her. Or when he hit us. She just cried really quiet and said ‘Robert, no.’ Once I got up when they were in a rammy and Robert had her by the hair and was dragging her round the front room and laughing. I jumped on his back to stop him and he punched me in the face and made my lips bleed. And Maw just kept going ‘Robert. No’ over and over again. But it was because she was drinking and drinking makes you accept the unacceptable. Now she was sober she’d see what was wrong with it all.
She got worse after Robert came. He liked her drinking and he got her cider and vodka and cans all the time. If she tried to not drink or just have Coke he said ‘Don’t be so fucking stupid Claire.’ And once he forced her to drink from a bottle of vodka when she said she wasn’t going to drink because it was Peppa’s birthday and she wanted to be sober when we got home from school. She was drunk when we got back and she kept saying ‘I’m sorry baby. Robert made me drink. He made me drink the vodka. He forced us!’ and Robert was laughing and he went ‘Aye I did.’ And she laughed too.
That night I made Peppa proper burgers out of mince while Robert and Maw were out of it and I used seeded baps like real burgers and burger sauce made from tomato ketchup and mayonnaise, and she said ‘Just like McDonald’s.’ Then I told her about the Nachthexen who I had just read about on Wikipedia and she loved it and she said what does it mean? I told her ‘Nacht’ meant night in German and ‘Hexen’ meant witches and she said ‘Nachthexen – nice word.’
Chapter Twelve
Magna Bra
The next day we got up early and got the fire roaring and made porridge and tea and Ingrid said she was going to Magna Bra. She had a big purple hat on and had a long stick and had all coloured ribbons and scarves in her hair and loads of make-up. Peppa said she looked like a wizard and I thought she looked more like a witch than before. She said ‘I go to speak to the Goddess.’
We went with her and I took the monocular and the airgun in case I saw some birds or rabbits. It was a long climb up through the woods and there was new snow on the moor. We went through a little stand of old Scots pines which had snow on them and the sun came out and it was bright and white and like Christmas in films. Once all of Scotland was covered in Scots pine forests but they were all cut down by people to burn and make houses out of. Scots pines grow big and some in forests twist over and bend like old men to get light. In spring they give pine resin that burns and Ingrid tapped them and collected it.
Going up over the moor towards the high ground Ingrid told us what she believed.
‘I believe there is a Mother Goddess who controls all of nature and the world. In fact all of nature is the Mother Goddess and she nurtures and creates all life.You can talk to her and you can feel her warmth in the sun and in the earth in spring. You can feel her skin in soft grass and the fur of animals and the feathers of birds. You can taste her in the food you get from nature and the sweet water from a stream. You can smell her in the pine forest and the dying leaves and the honeysuckle and in oak leaves in the rain. You can hear her voice in birdsong and the wind in the trees, in the snow creaking under your boots and in owls’ cries. And you can see her in the rolling hills and the moor and . . .’
And she stopped and turned to us and smiled and held her finger up ‘In your face Peppa. And in your face Sal. And in my face. And in the faces of all women.’
Then she started off again striding away with her stick and she said ‘I go to feel her in the stones and ask for her blessing and ask for her to lead me to forgiveness for all the things I did wrong in my life.’
Peppa said ‘What’s her name?’
Ingrid said ‘She has no name. She is unnameable. And unknowable. But you can feel her.’
Peppa said ‘We should give her a name.’
I was listening. And then I stopped Ingrid and said ‘Will she forgive my maw?’
Ingrid said ‘Of course. She is forgiveness because she has never condemned. We condemn ourselves Sal. She judges nobody.’
‘But you said she would forgive like God. And my maw needs to be forgiven for not being a proper mother.’
Ingrid said ‘Do you forgive her?’
I thought about it. And I said ‘Not if she
drinks again. I forgive her for having an illness.’
Ingrid looked at Peppa who was bounding on ahead and swinging her arms and singing. ‘Does Peppa forgive her?’
I said ‘She didn’t do anything to Peppa and I was there to look after Peppa so she doesn’t have to forgive her. And Peppa loves her. She wants us to go and get her and bring her to the forest.’
Ingrid sat down on a rock and looked at me. ‘The Goddess will make your mother see that she needs to forgive herself and you need to forgive yourself too.’
I said ‘Why? I haven’t done anything wrong. I killed my maw’s boyfriend who was called Robert but that wasn’t wrong. He hit my maw and he hit me and Peppa. And since I was ten he made me suck his cock whenever he wanted to. And he said he was going to start making Peppa do it. So I stabbed him in the throat. Three times and we ran and hid. And I fixed it so they couldn’t blame Maw.’
Ingrid put her arms around me and hugged me and held me close to her and I thought I was going to greet again. Then she said ‘You did nothing wrong. And the Goddess will give you strength and love.’
Peppa was shouting down at us from up on a ridge and waving and then she sprinted down towards us grinning.
‘Let’s call her Cheryl!’ she said.
And Ingrid thought for a minute and said okay.
It was still and bright at the stones and there was no breeze. The cold air was soft and hung over them and the snow sparkled like jewels. Ingrid stood right in the middle and held up her hands and whispered in German. I walked right round each stone and tried to feel something but all I felt was the sharp cold in my lungs as I breathed in. Then I felt a rumbly feeling in my belly and a tickly pain shooting down. It went all wet and warm in my pants. I pulled my trousers out and looked and saw blood. I stood there for quite a while feeling it getting warm and drippy in there. I didn’t have any Always Ultra with me.
Peppa came running up and said ‘You alright Sal?’
I said ‘I’ve got my period . . .’
Peppa went ‘Whoooaaa! Ingrid! Sal’s got her period!’ in a really loud voice and then danced off across the snow.
Ingrid ran over to me and said ‘Sal. That is wonderful! It is wonderful! It is the Goddess! You are a woman!’
I said ‘I need an Always Ultra. I’m in a right mess Ingrid . . .’ The blood was starting to ooze down my legs. Ingrid pulled off her silk scarf that she used for the sphagnum moss and said ‘Use this.’
And I stuffed it down my pants to soak it all up. Ingrid put her arms round me again. She said ‘It is magic.You are magic Sal.’
Peppa came running past and said ‘You can have a baby now Sal!’ and then ran off round the stones.
We walked back down and I started feeling sore and horrible and my belly ached. Ingrid walked with her arm round me and Peppa carried the stick and the airgun.
We got back to the camp and Ingrid boiled a big pan of water and I washed by the fire and got an Always Ultra and put on clean pants and joggers and a vest and a jumper and a fleece. Ingrid put three big potatoes in the embers of the fire to cook. I burned my bloody pants in the fire and put my trousers in the burn pool to soak. We sat by the fire while the potatoes cooked and then we had them with butter and beans and bread. My belly was sore and I had an ibuprofen and codeine, and Ingrid wrapped a hot rock in a towel and I held it on my belly and it felt nice.
By the fire, Ingrid got a blanket and wrapped me up and I stared into the flames and watched the wood glowing almost white in the middle of it, then yellow and orange and then dull red and then black and wee blue flames flicking out of the orange and running along the logs. I could feel the heat on my face and the warmth in my belly from the stone. My mind went all slow and was not racing thinking and I breathed in the cold air and the smoke from the sticks.
Ingrid washed all the pots in the stream and then stacked them by the fire to dry and Peppa got a blanket and wrapped it round her and sat on a log and read with her light. It was getting dark. It was getting dark earlier and earlier and I realised we were in November.
Ingrid got a log and sat next to me and put her arm around me and I leaned onto her shoulder and she cuddled me. I used to hate people touching me but I liked Ingrid cuddling me.
Then Ingrid said ‘We shall go and get your mother?’
Peppa looked up from her book and said ‘Can we Sal?’
Ingrid said ‘Where is she?’
I said ‘She is in an alcoholic rehab place. They put her in there after we ran to get her sober. It’s near here. It’s twenty-six miles away.’
Peppa said ‘Is it? Can we go now?’
Ingrid said ‘If she wants to leave she can. They are voluntary facilities. Does she know where you are?’
I said ‘No. She thinks we might be dead.’
Ingrid said ‘Well, if she is undergoing a detox and a rehabilitation it usually takes about four weeks. But after this she will need to have support and go to addiction meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous where they have a programme of group therapy which can be a very effective treatment.’
I said ‘If she is sober she could come and live here with us. We could look after her.’
Peppa got up and started dancing about excited. ‘We can make her a bender and teach her to skin rabbits!’
I said ‘Can you see Maw skinning rabbits Peppa?’
Peppa said ‘How can we get her without you being caught Sal? If they see me or you we’ll get nicked and split up and taken off Maw . . .’
Ingrid said ‘We can get a car. We can drive to the place. We can watch it. We can wait till we see her. Does she smoke cigarettes?’
I said ‘Aye.’
Ingrid went on. ‘So. We watch. We wait until she comes outside to smoke. They all go outside to smoke in those places. And when she comes outside I will speak to her and ask her if she wishes to come with us. I will do it secretly. Nobody will know. Then she can slip out and meet us. And then we can come back here.’
I said ‘Where do we get a car?’
Ingrid said ‘I will steal one. From the garage on the main road. As long as it is old I can start it.’
Peppa was going ‘Yesss . . . Oh please Sal. Let’s do that.’
I said ‘I’ve got a map where it is.’
Ingrid said ‘Perfect.’
I said ‘How do you steal a car?’
Ingrid said ‘You need a piece of copper wire and a screwdriver. And a hammer to break the window. My boyfriend taught me to do it in the eighties.’
Peppa said ‘Did you have a boyfriend? Was he good-looking?’
I said ‘Can you teach me to do it?’
Ingrid laughed and clapped her hands. ‘Can I tell you the last bit of my story?’
We said yes. And Peppa went and got Ingrid a blanket.
They interviewed her for weeks and weeks after she defected. And they gave her a flat in London to live in and she had to tell them everything she knew about the GDR and the SED. She told them all about her research work and the people she knew in Berlin and the Stasi. One of the men interviewing her said ‘You are in danger.The Stasi sometimes execute defectors abroad to make an example. It has never happened in the UK but there is always a first time.’
Ingrid lived in the flat in London on her own and went to a medical school for a year to learn how to be a doctor in the NHS in Britain. For a while British spies followed her and listened to her phone when she made calls but soon they stopped. They thought she might be a spy pretending to be a defector. But she wasn’t.
She was on her own all the time and soon she got depressed and started thinking a lot about when she was wee and the things that happened in her flat. And about leaving Germany and not building socialism like she wanted to when she was young. She thought about her mum and she tried to remember Latvian but she couldn’t. She thought about how scared she was when there was bombing and the Russians came. And she got more and more depressed and then she had a breakdown when she went mad and cried all th
e time and wanted to kill herself. She got put in a hospital for mad people and treated with drugs and she had therapy and talked a lot about her life and especially about her mum and how she felt about the things she had seen and done.
She was in the hospital for two years. It was in a nice big house in the countryside and after two years she was better and they let her leave and she got a job as a doctor in a hospital in a small town. She looked after people who had things like diabetes and cancer and heart attacks.
She still liked hippies and she liked pop music and she started going to festivals where bands played and everyone took drugs and she met a load of hippies and she bought a VW van and went camping at festivals in the summer. They went to Stonehenge which is big old standing stones in the middle of a heath in England where the sun rises over a special stone on Midsummer Day and all the hippies and druids go there and get wasted and sing and dance. She felt best and not at all depressed when she was there with all the hippies and soon she was going to meet them every weekend and she met a man called Matt who was younger than her and had dreadlocks. She became his girlfriend although she said she was old enough to be his mother.
There was a thing then called the Peace Convoy and it was loads of hippies who lived in old vans and buses and they drove round England and camped wherever they liked and went to festivals.There were hundreds of them all living in big camps making music and making baskets and things out of wood and selling them and getting broo money off the government and just staying in the country and not having houses.
And eventually Ingrid joined them. She gave up her job as a doctor and she took her van and went and lived with the hippies. Her and Matt drove round with them in big long lines of vans and buses and when they stopped she looked after people who were ill and helped the hippie girls have their babies.The hippies called her the Defector Doctor and they painted it on her van. She made lots of them better mostly from things like infections and skin rashes but sometimes from taking drugs too much.