She plunged into the armchair, disheartened.
She should have undressed, gone to bed and slept.
But she felt that she would be unable to get to her feet, take off her dress and turn down her bed. She would have preferred to remain still and sleep as she was, as she might be in the waiting room of a train station. Hegenrath station ...
The bell rang suddenly and loudly. For a second Nora didn’t realize what was happening. She let it ring for a long time, as though she wished to fill the whole apartment with the sound of its call. Then she headed for the door, forcing herself not to make any assumptions. She opened the door without emotion. He was on the threshold, loaded down with shopping bags.
The cork flew with a resounding bang, and the champagne overflowed the neck of the bottle while Nora looked up to follow the projectile’s trajectory.
“A direct hit!” he shouted victoriously.
Overhead on the ceiling, a coin-shaped white spot marked the point of impact.
“Two more hits like that and the landlord will evict me for causing serious damage,” Nora joked, not without a certain anxiety.
“Two more hits, you say? No, my dear friend. A hundred and one. Yes, a hundred and one sound blows. Like at Epiphany, like on January 24.”1
And, putting aside the empty bottle like a discarded weapon, he took another bottle in his hands. This time the detonation was even louder. They looked at each other in surprise, no longer smiling. On the bookshelf, the two carnations shook, awoken from their slumber. The detonation seemed to radiate through the whole sleeping building from floor to floor.
“A hit!”
On the ceiling, a new white mark had appeared, a very short distance from the first one.
“A dead-eye marksman! What ease! What precision!”
There was a gleam in his eye that Nora saw igniting for the first time. She almost didn’t recognize the silent man who had left her apartment half an hour earlier. Where was his heavy silence, where was that tired, indifferent smile? He was speaking now with a nervous animation that seemed strange in him.
The champagne was bubbling in their glasses. Nora raised hers with a certain gravity. “To your birthday. To your turning thirty.”
She noticed that her voice was trembling. She was ashamed of this childish emotion. He replied casually, joking: “To you. To the number 16 tram. To this evening’s accident.”
How many glasses had they drunk? She had been counting up to the fifth one, but after that she had lost track.
It was probably late. The radio (who had turned it on? when had it been turned on?) was tuned to the British national anthem. “That’s the end of our programming from Droitwich.”
Nora was making efforts to keep her eyes wide open, but she saw the objects in the room through a curtain of smoke.
Overhead on the ceiling, the marks from the direct hits looked too numerous to count.
Across from her, sometimes very close, sometimes immeasurably far away, as though seen through the lens of a field glass, was he. He was speaking, but although Nora heard each word distinctly, she wasn’t understanding anything that he was saying. As always, he was speaking in that suppressed, extinguished voice, with sudden outbreaks of brightness, which vanished in that tone of indifference ...
A hit! How strange that brief, triumphant cry sounded in his nonchalant tones. A hit! What had been hit? Hit where? Right in the heart, yes, yes, she had really said the heart.
Nora let her head fall into her hands. She wished she could stop the disorderly succession of thoughts that were passing through her mind, she wished she could stop the pounding in her temples.
Let’s be reasonable, my dear girl, let’s not lose our head. This gentleman ... what’s his name ...? You see, you’ve forgotten his name ... Anyway, whatever his name is, it’s time for him to leave. It’s late and he should leave ... Unless ... Unless you want him to stay. Do you want him to stay? Tell me, you can tell me ... But we’ve only known each other for a few hours ... Do you want him to stay?
He had got up from his place and come alongside her. She felt his breath on her back, very close. Abruptly, Nora stood up.
“Wait for me. I’ll be right back.”
She went into the bathroom, avoiding turning on the light out of a fear of surprising in the mirror the crumpled face that came from sleeplessness and wine, a troubled expression that she had been familiar with for a long time now from her rare all-night parties. She turned on the faucet and let cold water run over her cheeks, her eyes. A moment later, she dared to turn on the light; incredulously, she rediscovered her composed, everyday gaze. She looked at herself for a while, wondering what she should do. It would be so easy to go back into the room, tell him that it was late and she was tired and ask him to leave! If only she’d had the courage to say the same thing, in a former time, on a night like this, to Grig ... That shaving kit would no longer be here – and a number of other things would be different than the way they were!
She took off her dress with slow, sluggish movements, uncertain until the final moment whether or not she was going to complete the gesture. She stood naked, with her bare feet on the cement floor; the stoney coldness spread through her whole being with a soothing calm. Against the white faience glaze of the walls, brilliant beneath the heat of the lamps, her body looked pallid and sad. She stared at herself with a shake of her head. My poor Nora, how strange you are! A wave of tenderness, and the confusing taste of unshed tears, enveloped her at the thought of her strangeness.
What was the use of resisting? She was going to walk out of here, she was going to turn out the lights, she was going to get into bed and wait for him to undress, she was going to kiss him first, on the lips, and she was going to find out everything about his bitter smile. Maybe he, too ... yes, he, too, probably had a few things he wanted to forget ...
She put on the white bathrobe and looked at herself again in the mirror since she didn’t want to avoid her own gaze.
She stopped on the threshold, unable to grasp what was happening. There was no one in the apartment. She stared fixedly at the empty armchair, the cigarette that burned abandoned in the ashtray, the overturned glasses. The door of the entrance hall was half open. She went through it, walked out into the corridor and listened incuriously for a moment. It seemed to her that from below, from the first floor, she heard steps going down.
She returned to the apartment and looked again with a kind of stupid attention at each object, as she if she could have asked them questions, as if she could have expected them to reply.
She opened the window. Below, in the street, on the opposite sidewalk, a gentleman in a grey overcoat was vanishing with long strides, his hands thrust in his pockets. Nora remembered the name she had read in the passport. She shouted without realizing what she was doing.
“Paul! Paul!”
Afterwards she stood at the open window, her arms limp at her sides.
II
PAUL HEARD THE SHOUT, but didn’t turn his head. The voice fell from above, frozen and accentless. The whole street was stock-still with silence. It must be very late. In all of Bulevardul Dacia, a single lighted window: her window. He felt it in his back, between his shoulder blades, like a glare. He didn’t stop until he had turned the corner, when he felt that the eye of that light could no longer reach him.
He suddenly felt unburdened. Free and on my own ...
How far he was from the apartment he had fled! He had drunk a lot, he had talked endlessly, wishing keenly to be young and merry, but it had taken no more than being left alone for a few moments for all of his animation to collapse. He hadn’t felt the slightest curiosity about the body of the young woman who was undressing in the next room. He had got up from his seat, grabbed his hat and overcoat, and had left, leaving the door open out of a fear of being heard. He had gone down the stairs, taking two steps at a time, then three. Free and on my own ...
... He came to his senses stumbling along the sidewalk, right at the
edge, with tiny steps, one after the other. His boots sank deep into the snow, leaving clearly delineated prints. When he got to the next street light, he stopped to look around him: under the glow of the lamps, his footprints made a line into the distance, as though drawn on a limitless white page. Then he set off again, with the same careful steps as before.
A taxi passed alongside him, slowing down in invitation to this late-night passerby. Paul met the driver’s intrigued, possibly slightly ironic gaze and shuddered at being caught in his stupid game. He crossed the street to the opposite sidewalk, accelerating his pace as though he had suddenly remembered that he was in a race about which he had forgotten.
And now?
He was embarrassed at the thought of resuming his interrupted game since he had the impression that neither the driver nor he had surprised each other just now. He deliberately walked close to the houses, where the snow was packed down and his steps left no footprints.
He was passing in front of a long fence made of whitewashed wooden planks. Odd or even? He decided on odd and started to count ...
“One, two, three, four ...”
He stopped occasionally since some of the planks were split in two and he didn’t want to count them twice. He didn’t like to cheat his own superstitions.
The light of the lamps fell from behind him, unfurling his shadow far out over the snow. By now he had decided not to let himself be intimidated and to continue at any price the game he had started.
“Fifteen, sixteen ...”
A car came up fast alongside him. Either a private car or an occupied taxi, Paul thought, without interrupting his counting.
“Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty ...”
He stopped in front of the plank he had reached, measured it from top to bottom, as though it were a person and murmured a few times: thirty, thirty.
Thirty years! There it was, it was pointless to flee from the only thought that followed him; it was pointless to try to forget it with idiotic little games. From now on he was going to have to look it in the face and accept it: he was thirty years old.
He leaned with his back against the fence and closed his eyes. He would have liked to stay that way, empty of thoughts, empty of memories, in that beneficent numbness. He saw himself as he might have done from the opposite sidewalk, alone on the deserted street, leaning against someone else’s gate in that night in which he had turned thirty years old, thirty years that he didn’t know what to do with.
But, rising from somewhere within his being, he felt a mild haze, a distant taste of sadness, the flavour of cinders. He knew well that memories foolishly quelled, pointlessly repressed imaginings, lay concealed beyond the indifference that he now felt crumbling inside him. Thus, as on misty mornings in the mountains, he waited for the vanished yet present landscape to appear. Beyond that mournful image of his beloved, he glimpsed her name, which he had banished from his mind in vain: Anna.
He repeated the name a few times in a throaty voice, separating those two syllables as though he had dismantled the components of a tiny mechanism in order to find its hidden mainspring.
How many days had passed since he had seen her? Someone replied for him: Twenty-three days. Paul felt a horror-stricken shudder at the mechanical precision of his response. The last few days had been extremely calm. He hadn’t thought about her, he had worked in peace; he thought he had forgotten her. Even so, it seemed that, under cover, an unseen device was clocking up her absence, recording, as though on an interior screen that was waiting to light up at the first request, moment by moment, the time that he had passed without her: twenty-three days, eight hours, twenty-six minutes ...
He saw again her blond hair, her too-bright eyes, her expressive hands – and then that serious smile, which sometimes used to interrupt him in unexpected agitation, the smile too heavy for her small eyes, which expanded when she made an effort to pay attention, as though she might have fallen silent on hearing another voice, which had been covered by the words she had spoken until then.
... He crossed the street towards Icoanei Park and failed to recognize, in the small park in winter, the image of the gardens where had so often spent the day. Everything was foreign: the snowy paths, the dark trees, naked in their wooden motionlessness, the sparse park benches, the electric lights that burned pointlessly, as though someone had forgotten to turn them off when leaving.
Somewhere near the left-hand gate must be the bench on which, on an October morning in 1932, he had waited for Ann with a sketchbook in his hand, having come to make some sketches of trees for a publicity project he was working on at the time. He didn’t have the courage to look for that bench and, given how much the park had changed, he might not have found it.
He looked at his watch and realized that it was less late than he had imagined: ten minutes to two. At this time Ann might be at their usual bar on Bulevardul Basarab. She was always going out these days, so why would she have remained at home tonight?
This night can’t pass without Ann, Paul said to himself. The thought that he could meet her, if he wished, thrilled him.
He sees the bar on Basarab, the metallic reflections on its walls, the white lights, the circular dance floor like an illuminated island. Ann must be there, among a group of friends, at their usual table. He walks up to her and, looking her in the eyes, says: “Ann, I’m turning thirty tonight. I didn’t even realize it; I remembered it just now by chance and I’ve come so we can clink a glass together. You know how superstitious I am.”
Smiling, she looks at him. “I was waiting for you, Paul. I knew you would come. This night can’t pass without you.”
It was hallucinatory to see this: he felt the warmth of her words, their heat against his cheek. Everything was so present, so close: her black dress, the small silver brooch over her left breast, the silk handbag radiant on the table, the glass of whisky that she gave him with a nervous gesture, as though she wished that there was nothing to separate him from her.
... He came to with a shudder of panic. How much time had he wasted dreaming? He didn’t dare to look at his watch. He glanced around him and couldn’t figure out where he was. He was no longer in Icoanei Park, the street was unknown to him, the houses alien. Beyond those buildings that he didn’t know was a weak blue halo: that lights of Bulevardul Brătianu. He chose to go in that direction, forcing himself to think about nothing. At the first corner he found a taxi stand. The driver was asleep, the frozen engine started with difficulty – and how far, how unbearably far away, was the bar on Bulevardul Basarab!
He hopped out of the car, flinging the door shut and shouted as he passed the doorman: “Pay him, please.”
“Are there a lot people here?” he asked the coat-check girl as he took off his overcoat, not daring to state more clearly the only question whose answer interested him.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around with an outsized shudder of fright. (I should control myself, he thought.) It was another of the bar’s regulars, a lawyer for an oil company.
“About time I found you, buddy. I’ve been phoning you all day. What’s happening with our hearing tomorrow?”
“What hearing?” Paul asked absent-mindedly, trying to look past the man’s shoulders, towards the interior of the bar, as the curtains at the end of the hall opened.
“What do you mean, what hearing? You know what I’m talking about. Commerce hearing number two, with the Steaua Română refinery. Don’t you know? Number 3623 slash 929. You want to go to trial tomorrow? I say we adjourn. It’s pointless now, just before Christmas. Maybe sometime after the holidays, whenever you’re available. Hey! What do you say?”
Paul gave a vague reply, as he hadn’t been listening and didn’t know what the man was talking about. “Leave it, we’ll see tomorrow
... Excuse me, please, I’m in a hurry, I’m looking for someone ...”
“Who are you looking for? There’s nobody in there. I was bored stiff. You should come with me to Zissu’s place.
”2
Paul walked away from him, almost without saying goodbye. Nobody, nobody. He repeated the word mechanically, without understanding it. He parted the curtains with a brisk motion. Far away, very far away, it seemed, in the opposite corner of the bar, at a distance that struck him as enormous, impassable, their usual table was empty.
He walked towards it with a mechanical step and forced himself to look fixedly in the direction of that same point with his eyes wide open, as though he wished to retain the image on his retina and prevent himself from transmitting the horrible news towards other centres of pain.
Everything occurred without accident. He dropped, exhausted, into his seat with the air of a man who was worn out yet still controlling his movements.
The piano-player gave him a wave of recognition. “Haven’t seen you around here much lately.”
He replied with a lift of his shoulders, a vague, tired motion that replied to something else, something completely different.
The bar was dimly lit, like a sleeping car at night. He always rediscovered here the atmosphere of a journey, a departure. The city seemed to drift away, losing itself. Ann had drawn up the decoration plans out of friendship for the owner, formerly the manager at the Colonnade Hotel. With childlike enthusiasm she had sketched each detail, so absorbed she was in every new discovery!
“It has to be superb, my dear Paul. Superb, you understand? And look here” – her pencil stopped on the page, indicating a given point – “this will be our table, yours and mine.”
What farcical trick of his memory had reminded him of her forgotten words precisely at this moment, as though the point of her pencil had signalled, months in advance, the exact spot where on a future night, on this very night, he would have to wait for the shadow that no longer came?
Accident Page 3