The whole did-I-or-didn’t-I-make-a-mistake is eating me alive. The bitch of it is that I’ll probably never know.
“Oh,” he says, moving into the corridor of the athletic center, “hey, Alyssa.”
My head snaps up so abruptly that I nearly give myself whiplash as my gaze collides with icy-blue eyes. All it takes is one look at the fury vibrating off her in heavy, suffocating waves to know that I won’t escape this confrontation unscathed. I swallow down my growing nausea. This is exactly the kind of altercation I’d been hoping to avoid.
When she remains silent, lips pressed together in a tight line, Beck’s quizzical gaze flicks to mine. Whatever he sees painted across my face is enough of a tipoff for him to abandon this sinking ship post haste. Can’t say I blame him for it. I’d probably do the same if I were in his position. He jerks a thumb over his shoulder and takes a swift step in retreat. “So...I’m going to take off.”
Instead of glancing at Beck, Alyssa’s gaze stays pinned to mine.
“I’ll catch you at the dorm,” I mutter, dread pooling at the bottom of my gut.
“Yup.” With pent-up longing, I watch as he disappears down the hallway like the hounds of hell are nipping at his heels.
An uncomfortable silence falls over us.
One heartbeat passes.
Then another.
Now that we’re alone, I mentally brace myself for the oncoming explosion. Except Alyssa doesn’t do the expected. Instead, she stares mutely, scouring my face for answers I refuse to give voice to. Hurt seeps into her eyes, mingling with the fury. A fresh wave of guilt crashes over me, nearly swallowing me whole. It would be so much easier if she’d just go off the deep end. Then I could mentally shut down and tune out the theatrics while she got everything off her chest.
But this?
The unspoken recriminations aimed in my direction?
The pain that radiates off her as if it’s a living, breathing entity?
That’s impossible to tune out.
How can I when I’m the architect of her agony?
When I’m the one to blame for giving in and allowing this to get out of hand?
Ever since middle school, I’ve yearned for this girl. Longed to reach out and stroke my fingers over her. Be close to her. Make her mine. Although, she would have never guessed it from my behavior. I’ve done everything in my power to ignore Alyssa. To keep her at a distance. To push her to the outer recesses of my brain so I wouldn’t have to think about her. So I’d finally stop wanting her—dreaming about her.
It didn’t work.
Nothing worked.
Even when I broke down and asked her out, I knew this is how it would eventually end between us. When it comes down to it, I can’t give Alyssa what she craves. What she deserves.
No matter how tempting it is, I can’t love her the way she needs me to.
So where does that leave us?
In a place that neither of us wants to be.
More than anything, I wish Alyssa had just been a fuck. One I could forget about. But she was never that. Whether she realizes it or not, that’s the problem.
“Why?”
One shaky word falls from her lips, but it’s more than enough. It’s like a burning arrow shot right through the center of my heart. Even though it’s tempting to look away, I force myself to hold her gaze. It’s vital to bear witness to the harm I’ve inflicted. It’ll serve as a permanent reminder to never let my guard down again. The damage rippling in its wake isn’t worth it.
My gaze roams over her. So badly do I want to close the distance and pull her into my arms. She might only be five foot six, but Alyssa is a towering pillar of strength. I don’t think I’ve ever met another girl like her. It’s doubtful I ever will again. She’s brave, confident, and ballsy. It’s a wicked combination that drew me in from the very beginning.
It’s the only reason she’s standing before me now.
Had I really fooled myself into believing this girl wouldn’t track me down and demand answers?
I should have known better.
More than anything, I wish everything could be different between us. I wish I weren’t so fucked in the head. But, like everything else in life, wishes don’t mean jack shit.
“Colton?” she bites out, thrusting out her phone. “Why would you do this?”
I jerk my shoulders. There’s no way I can divulge the truth. That would mean opening up and letting her in—kind of like slitting my wrists and bleeding out emotionally. And that, I’m unwilling to do. So, I go with something believable. “I dunno, just kind of feels like this relationship has run its course.” When her eyes widen, I force out the rest, needing a clean break. I can’t have her coming back and trying to repair this. I need to blow it up. “There’s only so much monotony I can deal with.”
Her mouth tumbles open as she sucks in a sharp breath. “What?”
When her eyes turn glassy, I glance at the cement block wall beyond her. If I don’t, I’ll drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness. And I can’t allow that to happen. There’s no other choice but to soldier on.
“We had a good run. Six months is practically an eternity as far as I’m concerned. But I’m over it. I need to mix things up. Explore my options.”
“You’re doing this because you,” there’s a beat of silence as if she’s having a difficult time wrapping her lips around the words, “want to sleep with other people?”
No.
“Yeah.” I shift my weight, impatient to get this over with. Bile rises in my throat as I toss the question back at her and hold my breath. “Don’t you?”
Any color filling her cheeks drains away as she shakes her head. “No, I don’t.”
I tighten my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching out and consoling her. My words are ripping her apart, and it’s excruciating to watch. Any moment, I’m going to crumble. “Look, Lys—”
“Don’t you dare call me that,” she growls from between clenched teeth. “I will never be that to you again.”
I jerk my head into a terse nod. “It’s better to walk away before someone gets hurt.”
A gurgle of strained laughter bubbles up from her throat. “Yeah, it’s too late for that.”
As much as I fight to keep the words locked deep inside, I blurt, “I’m sorry.” It’s probably the only thing that’s come out of my mouth that bears any resemblance to the truth.
“Are you?” She tilts her head and stares at me as if she has no clue who I am. It’s the first time she’s ever looked at me that way. It takes effort to keep my expression carefully blank. Almost bored. “You know what hurts the most?”
All of it.
There’s nothing that doesn’t hurt.
I brace myself before shaking my head.
“That you thought so little of me and my feelings that you couldn’t be bothered to have an honest conversation.” Again, she holds up the phone. “Instead of acting like a man, you sent me a lame-ass text.” Alyssa falls silent, almost as if digesting what she’s just expressed. “If I hadn’t hunted you down, you probably would have ghosted me.”
As much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. That’s exactly what the plan had entailed.
“It seemed easier that way,” I mumble, feeling like a grade-A asshole. It’s almost impressive the depths I’ve managed to jackhammer down to.
“Easier for who?” she snaps, voice escalating, echoing off the cavernous cement walls.
Since that seems more like a rhetorical question, I don’t bother with a response.
“Where did this come from?” Her brows draw together in bewilderment as if mentally reviewing the autopsy of our doomed relationship. “I thought you were happy.”
“I was.” The emotion churning in her eyes is enough to break me. I hate myself for doing this to her. “And now I’m not.”
“Just like that.” There’s a pause. “Like a light switch. Happy.” She snaps her fingers as the brightness in her eyes returns. If she loses the batt
le with her tears, I won’t be able to stand it. “Unhappy.”
“Yeah,” I force out glumly, edging closer to my breaking point.
“I don’t know what to say.” She shakes her head. “Just...wow.”
When I remain mute, Alyssa inches forward, closing the yawning distance that separates us. Sorrow is etched across every line of her expression. “I realize there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind.” She forces out a brittle laugh. “And I won’t bother to try. I refuse to beg and grovel for some guy who is willing to throw me away like a dirty Kleenex.”
No, that’s not Alyssa’s style. She has way too much pride and self-worth for that.
Instead of allowing the tears to trek down her ashen cheeks, she blinks back the wetness and glances away. “You know what sucks the most?” Before I can answer—not that I was going to—she continues, “I really loved you. Even though you didn’t say it back to me, I thought you might feel the same.”
A thick lump of emotion settles in the middle of my throat, making it impossible to breathe. Death would be preferable rather than witness the way she’s laying herself bare.
A frown tugs at the corners of her lips as her gaze slices to me. “That’s the reason, isn’t it?”
I gulp down the icy shards of dread and try to keep it all buried deep beneath the surface before it can undo the chaos I’ve unleashed on this relationship. “What are you talking about?”
Understanding dawns across her face as she carefully examines my eyes. If she searches hard enough, deep enough, she’ll unearth all of my secrets, and that can’t be allowed to happen. “That scared you, didn’t it?”
The floodgates open, and panic rushes through every cell of my body. I shift impatiently, tempted to flee from not only this building but her. My chest tightens, and pain throbs through me with every sharp intake of breath.
Maybe Alyssa believes that she loves me, but she doesn’t.
How could she when my own mother wasn’t able to?
There has to be something seriously wrong with me if Candace could walk away without a second look.
Doesn’t Alyssa understand that I can’t be the man she wants me to be?
I’m incapable of giving her what she needs—even for the short-term. She deserves better. I realize it, even if she doesn’t. It’s only a matter of time before she comes to the same conclusion and leaves. And that, I won’t be able to withstand.
Once was more than enough.
The fear of this happening again has the blood running through my veins turning to ice. It also gives me the little nudge I need to end this once and for all. “Come on, girl, you had to know this was a long shot when we got together. It was a gamble.” I shrug, wanting to appear nonchalant. “You rolled the dice, and it came up snake eyes. You should be giving me props for remaining faithful for this long. As much as I’ve enjoyed your unicorn pussy, this whole exclusivity thing isn’t for me.” I reach out and stroke my fingers along the curve of her jaw. It doesn’t escape me that this will be the last time I touch her. “I wouldn’t mind keeping you in my back pocket and having a taste of it every once in a while.”
As the last word falls from my lips, she bats my hand away before shoving both palms against my chest and knocking me back a step with an angry grunt.
“Fuck you, Colton! You really are an asshole, you know that?”
Yeah, I do.
And now, thankfully, she knows it, too.
Chapter Nine
Alyssa
There’s a gentle tap on my arm.
“Lys?”
I blink out of the frenzied whirl of my thoughts and refocus my attention on Mia. “Hmmm?” I dredge my brain. If she fired off a question, I have no idea what it was. I really need to snap out of this funk.
Sympathy flashes across her face as she loops her arm through mine and tugs me closer. “Aww, girl. I’m sorry. I know this must be tough.” There’s a pause. “You want me to beat Colton’s ass? For you, I’ll do it.”
Even though it takes effort, I force out a snort. It feels like my entire body is riddled with pain. “Nah. He’s not worth it.” My lips quirk at the corners at the idea of Mia getting into any kind of physical altercation. She’s never so much as had a disagreement. She’s always walked the straight and narrow, but that behavior intensified after her sister, Brianna, died in a car accident. Sometimes I get the feeling that Mia is trying to distract her parents with all of her accomplishments. Straight A’s, tennis tournaments, and a squeaky-clean reputation. It must be exhausting to be so perfect.
I wouldn’t know. I’m far from it. More than that, I have zero inclination to pretend I am.
“Damn right, he’s not,” she agrees.
I glance up at the sun as it shines brightly. There’s not a cloud in sight. Even through my sunglasses, the harsh illumination hurts my eyes. Normally, a day like this would make me want to tip my face to the cerulean-colored sky and soak up all the glorious rays.
That’s not the case today.
If I didn’t have dance class, I would be buried beneath a mountain of blankets in my bed. It’s been more than a week since Colton blew my world to smithereens. And here I am, continuing to pick out the jagged pieces of shrapnel embedded in my skin. I’m still blown away that he had the audacity to break up with me.
Through text message.
Text!
The lousy bastard.
Who the hell does that?
Colton Montgomery, that’s who.
I give my head a shake, needing to banish him from my brain. Dwelling on the situation won’t do me any good. And it won’t make the pain magically disappear. Although, it would be kind of nice if it did. I’m tired of thinking about it. Tired of being depressed and pissed off.
Mia squeezes my arm, and I realize that I’ve once again become ensnared in my own thoughts. “Sorry,” I mutter, embarrassed by my inability to pull myself out of this misery, “what did you say?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner tonight. Maybe pizza?” Her voice escalates with growing excitement. “Oh! There’s a new Thai restaurant downtown that just opened. I’ve been dying to try it.”
I grimace at the idea of eating either of those options. It’s enough to make my belly revolt.
“No.” Instead of admitting that I don’t have much of an appetite, I say, “I’ll probably hang out at the studio for a while and work on choreography. The showcase will be here before you know it, and I need all the extra rehearsals I can squeeze in.”
It doesn’t escape me that without dance, there wouldn’t be a reason to drag my ass out of bed in the morning.
Or ever.
“Listen,” Mia’s voice turns hesitant, “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about—”
“Good,” I cut in promptly before she can meander too far down this pain-ridden road, “then we understand each other perfectly.”
Her face falls, and her shoulders wilt. A heavy silence descends as we continue along the cement path that winds through campus.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to apologize when she murmurs, “It might help you get over the breakup if you talk about it.”
Absolutely not. Revealing just how much Colton hurt me won’t help matters. It’ll only make me look like an idiot for believing he was anything other than a player. Mia is my closest friend, and usually, I tell her everything, but I couldn’t bring myself to share his parting words with her. It was way too humiliating.
Fuck him and his unicorn pussy comment.
Even the memory is enough to bring a hot sting of embarrassment to my cheeks.
Relief floods through me as the fine arts building comes into view. I appreciate Mia trying to be supportive, but the best thing I can do is put this whole ugly mess behind me. I want to forget we were ever together or that I gave him the time of day. The only way that will happen is to stop talking about him. And thinking about him. I want to focus all of my energies on things that matter. Like dance. Even the thou
ght of losing myself in the choreography is enough to loosen the constriction gripping my chest, making it easier to breathe.
I keep my attention locked on the brick building in the distance. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m good.”
“Okay,” she mutters, not sounding the least bit convinced. “If you’re sure.”
“I am.” Somehow, I manage to hoist my lips into a thin semblance of a smile. It’s not one that stretches across my face, but still, I deserve credit for the effort.
A sigh escapes from Mia before she shrugs, hopefully giving up the crusade she’s so intent on. “If you change your mind, I’ll be here to listen.” Just when I think that we’ve put the whole ugly matter behind us, she adds, “Bottling all that emotion up inside isn’t healthy.”
“Maybe not, but it’s a hell of a lot better than sitting around and crying over a guy who isn’t worth one damn tear.”
I wouldn’t mind keeping you in my back pocket and having a taste of it every once in a while. No strings attached, of course.
“That’s not what I learned from Dr. Haskel.”
Those quietly spoken words have everything inside me softening. Mia attended therapy with her parents after Brianna’s death. Even though I would never ask, I can’t help but wonder what good it did. It sure as hell didn’t bring her sister back. And her family, for all their plastic smiles and pretending, are still fractured at the core. Her dad works a gazillion hours a week and is barely around. Julia, her mother, drowns herself in alcohol, anti-depressants, and shops like there’s no tomorrow. Maybe she secretly wishes there wouldn’t be. I can’t necessarily blame her for that. What could be worse than losing a child?
The Boy Next Door Page 5