Where I Belong

by Jill Sanders

  “I think you’ll like this. It’s one of my mother’s recipes.” He set the plates down, then walked over and helped her from the stool.

  When she scooted into the booth, he moved to the opposite side and sat down.

  The white fish smelled like lemon and heaven. The fillet sat on a bed of wild rice mixed with peas and greens.

  She leaned down and took a whiff, then let out a low moan.

  When she looked up, she realized that Rafe’s eyes were glued to her. His mouth sat open slightly.

  “Are you single?” she asked, and hid a smile when his chin dropped down slightly. Not giving him a chance, she picked up her fork and broke off a piece of the fillet. “I’m only asking because you seem like such a great catch. I mean, you haven’t mentioned a wife” —she tilted her head slightly— “or a girlfriend yet.” She took the bite into her mouth and released another moan, this time closing her eyes as the meat melted into her mouth.

  When she opened her eyes again, his eyes had changed. There was no longer the soft brown as before. Now, they held a hint of burning desire, which made them appear slightly darker around the irises.

  Her mouth watered even more just looking at him.

  He blinked a few times, then reached for his own fork. “No.” He cleared his throat. “I’m single.” Then his eyes moved back to hers. “You?”

  She sighed after she took another forkful. “Single.” She shrugged. “What about your other sister? Cara?”

  “Happily married to her high school sweetheart, my best friend, Corey,” he added, taking another bite of his own food. “Do you have any siblings?”

  She felt her entire body stiffen and her vision grey as her breathing slowed. Then, in a burst, her chest heaved as air shot in and out of her lungs painfully. Her head did a quick spin as the room started to tilt.

  ***

  It was funny. You could read about something a million times in a book, but seeing it actually happen, was a completely different matter.

  Seeing Eva in a full-blown panic attack was something he would never forget for the rest of his life.

  He raced across the small space and yanked her free of the table just before she slid to the floor. Her face had turned pale and her chest had heaved with the lack of oxygen getting into her lungs. Her entire body had tensed—that was just before it turned to melted butter.

  He carried her to the sofa in his sister’s living room and gently laid her down on the cushions.

  He rubbed his hands over her arms until her eyelids fluttered open. The amber was dull and she’d lost most of her coloring.

  “You okay?” he asked softly.

  “Hmmm.” She closed her eyes and groaned. “I swear, I’m not crazy,” she said, keeping her eyes closed.

  He held in a chuckle. “Panic attacks don’t make you crazy,” he added.

  “Is that what that was?” She tried to sit up, only stopping when he held her in place with a hand on her shoulder. “I’ve never had one before.” She bit her bottom lip. His eyes moved to the slight motion and watched it with great interest.

  “Does it have something to do with your...brother? Sister?” he asked, handing her a bottled water he’d retrieved from the kitchen table.

  “Brother,” she said before taking a large drink. “Nate was everything.” She closed her eyes. “Everything to my parents.”

  He could hear the bitterness she carried for her family.

  “What happened?” he asked, shifting closer to her. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but instead, tucked his hands close to his own body.

  Her eyes slid open and she glanced over at the marble fireplace, unseeing.

  “It was supposed to be a short trip. Nate was coming to visit me at college. It was less than a half-hour drive,” she added, closing her eyes again. “But, I’d been out partying the night before.”

  He sat silently listening. “Go on,” he said when she didn’t continue.

  “I guess I was still a little hungover. I didn’t realize I’d drifted...” Her eyes flew open. He noticed her entire body tense as she relived the moments. “He was supposed to sit in the back. He was too skinny”—she chuckled harshly— “under a hundred pounds. Mom always said...he was too skinny,” she added, shaking her head. “But, when he was with me, I always let him sit up front. Like he wanted.”

  His hand reached out and took hers. Giving her the small comfort he could.

  “I... the car drifted across the middle line. I didn’t see the truck until...I swerved,” she said between breaths. “I swerved and avoided the truck, but hit the pole. On Nate’s side.” A burst of air escaped her. “It should have been me. I should have never swerved.” She closed her eyes as he gathered her up close.

  No amount of school or reading could have ever prepared him for this. He knew what the textbooks said. How to comfort someone who was grieving. How to help them work past the pain.

  But feeling her body convulse with the sorrow as she cried, undid him. He placed soft kisses on top of her head as he murmured soft words to her.

  When she leaned back, he pulled away and looked down at her.

  “Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t deserve any of this.” She glanced around. He felt her tense to get up, but once again held her in place.

  “Do you know why I’m here?” he asked, stopping her.

  She shook her head, not understanding his question.

  “I’m here, in St. Helena, babysitting my sister’s coffee shop, because of guilt.” He shifted as she sat up slightly. “My sisters were too young to remember our mother. I was ten when she died of leukemia. But, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel guilty that I remember that wonderful woman, and they don’t.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said between sniffles. “But, it wasn’t your fault your mother got sick.”

  “No, but for years and years, even to this day, anytime my sisters ask something of me, I jump. Why? Because I know that if my mother were alive, she would be here for them. So, the desire to keep a wonderful woman alive, drives me to do things I normally wouldn’t. If we choose to let it, guilt will eat us whole, until there’s nothing left inside.” His mind drifted to his father and the cold morning he’d found his body in the cabin.

  “Nate was only twelve,” she said softly. “I chose to drive. I chose to swerve. I chose—”

  He stopped her by taking her hand up to his lips. “It was a terrible accident.” He placed a kiss on her fingertips. “I could spout a million reasons why you shouldn’t beat yourself up, but something tells me you already know in here.” He placed a hand over her heart. “You need to choose. Let guilt eat you whole, or get up and take your life back. Fate has a way of making things happen. You can’t change what’s in the past, but what you do from here on—it’s up to you.”

  Chapter Four

  Eva lay awake that night, listening to the complete quiet of the large house. For the first time in almost a year, sleep eluded her, and it wasn’t because she was uncomfortable or afraid. This time, it was her own mind that stopped her eyes from sliding closed.

  Her heart hurt, her head hurt, and her body ached. She missed her little brother so much. But, more, she missed herself.

  She’d been running scared for so long; she didn’t know if there was anything of herself left. Gone was the young woman who was top of her class. Gone was the desire to become a journalist. Everything was gone. Even the desire for her own family someday.

  She was dead inside. She’d been so angry; she hadn’t even seen or cared what was directly in front of her.

  The morning she’d woken up in the hospital, after the accident, she’d found out about Nate. Two days later, she’d snuck out of her hospital room and jumped a bus to Portland. From there, she’d traveled all over, desperately running from the guilt.

  Rafe had been right. Guilt had eaten her up. Eaten her until she was nothing but an empty shell.

  Tossing her feet over the edge of the bed, she wiggled her toe
s as they hit the cool wood floor.

  She wanted to take her life back. Starting now.

  She tiptoed down the hallway and stood outside Rafe’s door. Seeing the light shine under the door only confirmed her choice.

  Raising her hand, she knocked on the door and smiled when he answered with a, “Come in.”

  When she opened the door, she lost her breath. He was sitting up in bed, shirtless, with those sexy glasses on and a book in hand. His chest was more impressive than even her imagination had conjured up. From what she could tell, he spent as much time in the gym as he did with his nose in a book.

  “You okay?” he asked, removing his glasses and setting them and the book on the nightstand.

  She couldn’t have answered him if she wanted, since her mouth had gone completely dry.

  Without saying a word, she walked across the room, slowly lifting the T-shirt as she went. She watched his eyes heat as they watched her every movement. When she tossed the shirt onto the floor, she smiled at the hunger behind the brown eyes.

  “Eva,” he said, his voice sounding a little rough.

  “No, I don’t want to question this. Not tonight.” She slowly removed the sweats and kicked them aside.

  When she stood in front of him, completely exposed, she felt part of her old self return, and smiled. “You make me believe that there’s more. That I can have happy.” She placed a knee on the edge of the bed and smiled when his hand came up to touch her skin. His fingers brushed her kneecap, and then moved slowly up to her thigh.

  “You’re sure?” he asked, his eyes meeting hers.

  “Most definitely,” she said, smiling down at him.

  In one quick motion, he gripped her hips and spun them around until she was pinned underneath him. His bare chest pushed up against her own. She could feel his heart beating against her skin and her body responding to the desire behind those sexy brown eyes of his.

  His lips descended until they hovered an inch above hers. “You’re so damn sexy,” he said, just before he crushed her lips with his.

  She’d been starved. Denied the simple pleasure of a kiss for too long. And here was this sexy bookworm, kissing the hell out of her. His mouth brushed against hers, his tongue darted out to lap slow circles around her lips. Shivers and goose bumps raced all over her body as a fire built deep within.

  Her fingers dug into his dark hair, then traveled down his neck until she scraped her nails on his skin over those sexy muscles.

  “Hmmm,” she moaned as his lips traveled down her neck. “My God,” she whispered when his mouth settled over her breast. Her body arched as his mouth rushed over every inch of her, hungrily. His hands roamed even lower until she was writhing underneath him. Her legs wrapped around his hips as his fingers brushed her sensitive skin.

  “Rafe,” she begged and tried to pull him closer.

  “Easy.” He chuckled. “Trust me,” he said against her skin. Then he shifted slightly, until he settled between her legs. He brushed that hot mouth of his across her most sensitive spot sending lightning shooting throughout her system. Her shoulders bound from the bed as she arched up, her hands gripping his hair as she begged, pleaded, desired.

  “Yes, that’s it, hellcat,” he said next to her skin. “Show me what you want,” he begged.

  “That,” she cried out. “You.” She tossed her head from side to side. “Now.” She tried to tug him up, but he just chuckled and spread her legs wider. “I’m not done with dessert,” he said just before he made her scream out his name.

  She felt her entire body convulse, repetitively, then felt him shift slightly as he covered her. The weight of him only added to her pleasure.

  “Eva, look at me,” he said. She’d heard him dig in the nightstand for a condom and had patiently waited, counting the beats of her heart as he sheathed himself.

  Her eyes fluttered open, just before he filled her completely.

  She held onto him, taking what she needed, giving him what he wanted until she felt that she was on the verge of bursting.

  “Let go,” he demanded softly next to her ear. His fingers tangled in her hair—the other hand traveled over her body, holding on where he could.

  Her legs wrapped around his hips, pulling him closer. Her breath burned her lungs as she tried to hold onto this moment.

  His hand moved up until his fingers tangled with hers, holding them slightly above her head. His breath warmed her neck as his lips brushed her skin.

  But, when he moved again, she felt her entire body burst into flames as she cried out his name.

  ***

  “My god,” Rafe said into Eva’s hair. “My god,” he repeated. “Wow.”

  She chuckled. “You could say that again.”

  He did, then shifted so he could look down at her. Her blonde hair fanned out on his pillow. Her amber eyes laughed up at him.

  “You’re beautiful,” he said, placing another kiss on those sexy lips.

  “I’m too skinny.” She frowned up at him.

  “That’s okay.” He ran a hand over her sexy body. “You won’t stay that way too long eating my cooking.”

  “My god.” This time it was her who said it. “Just what every woman wants. A man with brains and he cooks.” She chuckled, the sound doing all sorts of new things to his body.

  When her eyes grew large, he guessed that she’d noticed.

  “Again?” she said softly, her arms coming back around his shoulders.

  “It’s that smile,” he said, rolling her over once more. She felt like heaven, tasted like the sweetest dessert, and from the sexy wildcat sounds she was currently making, he guessed she enjoyed him as much.

  Her nails scratched him, causing his desire to triple in a matter of seconds.

  “Yes, hellcat,” he growled as he hoisted her knees to his chest.

  Diving deeper into her warmth, their lips met and he held the kiss as long as he could.

  He could just imagine himself wanting her softness, her taste even more and more.

  Then she wrapped those sexy legs over his shoulders and hoisted herself closer and he lost all train of thought.

  Pure primitive Rafe took over. He lost the last hold of control he’d desperately been trying to hold onto since she’d walked into his room, wearing his old sweats and T-shirt.

  Just seeing her in those clothes had sent his system into overdrive during dinner.

  Now, seeing her out of them was...well, it was pure heaven.

  He felt the moment she tensed around him, watched the orgasm change her eyes from soft amber to pure heat. Her face flushed as she bit her bottom lip and moaned out his name. Just seeing her like this, in pure bliss, sent him over the edge.

  A few minutes later, he rolled away from her again. Then leaned over and kissed her lips once more. “Damn sexy, hellcat,” he said against them. Her body was cooling under his, so he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. Her body fit perfectly against his. He felt her stiffen slightly, but then she relaxed again.

  “We’d better get some sleep. Four a.m. comes awful early,” he said, feeling his own heartbeat return to normal.

  “Four?” She turned her head towards him.

  “Hm,” he said into her hair. “Yup, that’s when the deliveries come.”

  “Why couldn’t your sister have opened a bar?” she grumbled, causing him to laugh.

  “In wine country?”

  “Sure, why not.” She yawned and he felt her body relax even more.

  “Well, for one, there are plenty of wine bars already in this town. Not to mention a person could go to any of the in-house tastings at any of the wineries.”

  “Sure, but do they have dancing?” she added and settled closer into his chest.

  He thought about it. “Now that’s something I’d like to see.” He thought about her in a tight jean skirt, sexy red cowgirl boots, and her hair swaying with the music. Hell, he needed to get out more often. He didn’t even like country music.

  “Hm?�
�� She yawned again and he changed his thinking knowing she’d be asleep soon. That fantasy would just have to wait for another time. He tightened his arms around her and smiled into her hair.

  “This stuffy town cut loose.” He chuckled at the thought of a grimy country music bar in St. Helena.

  He felt the moment she drifted off, her body, completely relaxed next to his.

  His mind refused to shut down as he ran through a million questions. He’d tried to do a little research on her. But, since she hadn’t supplied him with a last name, he’d only come up with dead ends.

  He had decided to try to get more information from her. Not that he didn’t trust her—actually, he was finding it easier to read her the more she opened up to him.

  He could see the pain and the hurt easily in her eyes and knew she’d told him the truth about her brother. He’d noticed the anger she had towards herself the second he’d met her.

  Hellcat. He thought of his nickname for her and smiled as she snuggled closer to him and felt an almost purr coming from her chest. He thought about modifying the nickname to sex kitten instead.

  When his alarm went off, he moved to slap it off, only to have his hand weighted down by soft, warm skin. Shifting, he used his other hand and turned the squawking off. Then he wrapped his arm around Eva and dreamed for just a moment of spending the entire day in bed with her.

  Instead, he rolled them both until her arms and hair tangled with his. “Time for a shower,” he said, lifting her easily into his arms. “Then some hot food and off to work.”

  She groaned and tried to fight him off, only to go completely lax in his arms as he carried her into the bathroom. When he reached in, turning on the shower, she screamed as the cold water hit them both full force.

  “What the...” She pushed at his wet chest until he had to shift slightly.

  “Honey, if you keep doing that, you’re going to end up cold, wet, and on the floor.” He chuckled and tightened his grip so she wouldn’t fall.

  She stilled. “You could have warned me,” she growled and glared up at him. There was his hellcat again. Instead of answering, he just smiled down at her.