That doesn’t make me feel any better. “How much time does he have? Can you at least tell me that?”
“No.” Of course not. I look down at my hands, still clasped in my lap. “That’s something even I don’t know. I’m just going off of the pull that I feel, just the same as you. When my friend died, I
didn’t feel it until the end, but you can with Andy, right? Even if it’s dulled a little bit.”
It never occurred to me that Mellie knew about Andy from the very beginning, before she caught me talking to him the first time. I had thought that the pull I felt was only affecting me, and that maybe that meant I would find whatever closure I was looking for by helping him. I never would have guessed it just meant he would die a little later than most. Or maybe I refused to admit that to myself, because now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
“What if it goes away completely? Does that mean he’s safe?”
Mellie shakes her head, and the heavy sensation tugs me closer to the ground. “That means he’s dying. That’s how you know. When you met Reece, the feeling stopped when he died, didn’t it? And with the others, too. You’re pulled where you need to be, and it goes away when it’s over.”
“Then why is it taking so long?” I can’t stop the questions from coming out of my mouth; it’s like I’m on autopilot. “And why did you try to keep me from him for so long? I’m not a child, Mellie. You can tell me.”
I can see Reece out of the corner of my eye. He’s returned to the cemetery, sitting on the edge of the fence and pointedly avoiding the fresh patch of earth he’s buried under. He doesn’t seem to see Mellie and I – or he does and still wants to be alone.
“I thought you could save him,” Mellie admits quietly. “There’s a natural order to these things, Terra. If someone is meant to die, you can’t stop it. Terrible things happen to those who try.”
Every word she spits out sounds like a lie. She won’t look me in the eyes, and her voice is so low I have to lean in to hear.
I don’t want to tell her that my plan the entire time was to save Andy from whatever was out to kill him. But to find out that no matter what I do, he’s still going to die… How can Mellie know that? What if something I do happens to alter Andy’s future and, at the same time, his death? There’s nothing Mellie can do to change my actions.
She can’t predict the future, can she? As mysterious as she is, I doubt she’s that powerful.
“What about if you kill someone who isn’t supposed to die?”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. The one truth Mellie has actually trusted me with – the only personal thing I know about her – and I’ve just turned it around and used it against her. I could have accidentally killed Andy, and Mellie stopped me; I should be grateful. Although, obviously it all means nothing, because Andy’s going to die anyway, no matter what I do.
Mellie pauses, eyes on the ground. “Then you’re no better. The same consequences apply.”
“Like what? Let me guess: you can’t tell me.”
Come on, Terra. Quit being such an ass. She’s just trying to help. Right? She is trying to help me, isn’t she? She could do a little better job of it if she is.
“No,” she says, and my heart sinks. “I’m sorry, but too much information could be dangerous. It could affect your ability to move on.”
Mellie looks solemn. Everyone has left Reece’s grave by now, even the man operating the crane. The quiet that’s settled over the cemetery is eerie.
“What about you? How do you know so much?
Reece looks up and meets my eye, his face difficult to read. I expect he’s probably sad, maybe a little upset, but more than anything he just looks tired. He looks about as defeated as I feel. Even Mellie appears to have suffered from some of the strain of being what we are.
“I’ve been around for a long time, Terra. I’ve learned a lot of things over the years. Trust me.”
That’s the thing, though: I don’t trust her. I think I used to, but not now. She’s lied to me one time too many, and now she’s trying to mess with my emotions and my feelings towards Andy. She wanted to keep me away from him because she thought I would save him. How is saving his life a bad thing?
Mellie is a mystery, and she’s my ally in this crazy, mixed-up world, but I don’t know if she’ll ever be my friend. Andy is, though. And he’s going to die soon.
“Why have you been here for so long? You have to have found closure by now.”
“That’s not the problem,” she says. She sounds almost regretful. “Everyone I loved is gone; I don’t even remember much of my life at all.”
“How long ago did you die, Mellie?” I ask, changing the subject with difficulty. I have a million other questions for her, but
I’m still trying to process the few answers she’s given me. I don’t want to think about Andy right now, not after I just witnessed a funeral. My emotions have been toyed with enough for one day.
Reece floats over to us, his feet brushing over the sparse grass and phasing through two low headstones. I nod at him, trying my best to give him a sincere smile. Andy’s tearful expression pops into my head, and all I can do is frown.
“I can’t remember, to be honest,” Mellie answers. I have no way of knowing if she’s telling the truth or not. “At least a decade, maybe two. The years all start to blur together after a while. I guess that’s the way things go, isn’t it?”
Avoidance. Mellie’s mastered it like an art form.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Reece sits next to me, brushing his knee against my leg. The contact tingles like a miniature burst of electricity and I shiver. I still don’t know what to think about Reece. He’s handsome and nice, but something about him throws me off balance. Maybe it’s because he’s dead, or maybe I’m still hung-up on whatever it is I have with Andy. Or maybe I’m just too tired of dealing with everything else to want to focus any amount of energy on relationships.
A thought occurs to me. “Why do you look like you’re from the twenty-first century, then? I kind of sucked at history when I was alive, but I know you look like you just got back from prom. But your wedding ring is old-fashioned. It doesn’t make any sense.”
To my surprise, Mellie chuckles; Reece stares at her in confusion, then turns back to me.
“A prom dress, huh?” Mellie says, amusement in her voice. This is definitely not the right place to be laughing in. “What color is my hair? Am I pretty? This part is always my favorite; nobody ever imagines me the same way.”
“Your hair is red. And super curly.” Reece looks at me like I’ve gone crazy. “Why, what do you think she looks like?” I ask him.
“I don’t know? Brown hair, blue eyes?” His voice is a pitch higher than usual. “And she’s wearing, like, an outfit you’d see in the 90’s. With those wide-legged jeans my mom used to have.”
This is the most confusing situation I’ve been in since I died. My head is spinning with the new information, but I have no idea how to process it. Mellie is a young woman with a short, black dress and flaming red hair. That’s what she looks like. Reece must be confused; maybe he’s still adjusting to being dead.
“Do we all look different, to different people?” Reece asks. “That would be pretty cool.”
“No,” Mellie says. Why is she finally divulging so much information to Reece when I couldn’t even get a straight answer from her just a couple of weeks ago? “It’s just me. One of the perks of my job, I guess.”
“Your job? Does that mean you really are the Grim Reaper?” Oh God, the things I’ve told her. If she’s the Reaper, I’m in trouble. I’ve broken pretty much all of her rules, and if she’s the Queen of Death, or whatever, then I’m royally screwed.
She shakes her head, and relief washes over me – a moment too soon, it seems. “Not the Grim Reaper, but one of them. The one
in charge of this section of the world. There are thousands of us, and we change out positions every hundred years or so
.”
“There’s absolutely no way that’s true. Your name is Mellie. You told me you died. You’re stuck just like the rest of us.”
“I wasn’t lying. I am stuck. Just, for an indefinite period of time. And I did die; that part is true.”
I’ve been hanging out with the Grim Reaper for the better part of the last month. The Grim Reaper. The same soul-sucking villain I’ve read about in a dozen crappy young adult sci-fi novels. And the Reaper is a girl? With pretty hair and makeup and a slutty black dress? Or a 90’s mom, according to Reece – who still might be crazy. Or maybe I am.
Yeah, I’m crazy. That’s why nothing makes sense and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Because I’ve finally gone completely insane.
“Okay, sure,” I say, staring at Mellie with my eyes narrowed. “Let’s say I do believe you, and you’re a shapeshifting death demon. Then why do you look like a mom to Reece and a fashion model to me? Can you just pick whatever you want to look like for each person?”
Mellie smiles when I call her a ‘fashion model.’ So even the Grim Reaper likes being complimented. At least I’m on her good side – I’d hate to see what she does to people who aren’t.
“I look like whatever each person finds comforting. If I walked around in a black robe with my face covered all the time, how many people do you think would come with me when I ask? Esther said I look like her granddaughter; I think that’s sweet.”
The Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper. I feel like I’m going to puke. Even though that’s one hundred percent impossible.
“And why are you just telling me this now? I’ve been following you around for a month! I’ve told you stuff – personal stuff – because I thought you were just a nice lady who died a long time ago and couldn’t move on. I didn’t know you were here willingly. Who would want to do something like that?”
“I’m not,” she answers, a flicker of sadness passing in her eyes. “I didn’t choose this. I don’t know how I was picked or why, but I’m here until someone else takes my place.”
It occurs to me that maybe Mellie’s making me witness so many deaths and help her collect souls because she’s trying to train me to take over for her so she can move on. She doesn’t seem like the type of person to do something so devious, but then again, she didn’t seem like a liar until a few minutes ago, and now I don’t even know what to think of her.
“I don’t want you to take my place, Terra. I’m trying to help you find closure.”
“What, can you read minds too? Is there anything else you’d like to share while we’re here?”
She sighs, looking slightly haggard. Some of her beauty seems to be receding. “I can’t read minds. I just know you.”
“Yeah, well apparently I don’t know you. Was anything you told me the truth, or were you making it all up as you went along to bait me?”
I can feel my anger building into dangerous territory. I’m
more frustrated now than I was when I broke my family’s glass coffee table – which was Mellie’s fault too, actually. First she tells me that Andy’s going to die, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And now she’s telling me that she’s the freaking Grim Reaper in disguise and basically everything she’s ever told me about herself was a lie.
I’m going to throw up. I’m gonna puke or pass out or keel over. If I could die a second time, I’m pretty sure I would right now out of pure shock and rage. Everything feels like it’s piling up on top of me and there’s only one place for it to go: out.
“I wasn’t making anything up,” Mellie says, but I’m not even listening. All I can hear is static in my ears. “I just didn’t want you to know the whole truth. It could have changed things.”
“Like you wanting Andy to die is going to change things? Or you letting everyone around you die without even trying to help? If you’re so powerful, do something! You always wait until the last minute, and I have to take care of all the dirty work. You have no idea how hard it is. You’ve been dead for so long, you’ve lost your humanity completely.”
Mellie looks like she’s just been slapped across the face. Good. That means my words are finally having an effect on her.
“You show up out of nowhere, after my body is all dead and buried, and tell me you were just too late to help me. And you keep secrets from me, but Reece knows everything you refused to tell me until I found out on my own! And now you tell me I couldn’t see Andy for so long because you were waiting for him to die and didn’t want me to try and save him? What kind of bullshit is that, Mellie?”
Reece keeps glancing between Mellie and I, a horrorstruck expression on his face. He obviously doesn’t like conflict, and I feel a pang of guilt in my chest, but it does nothing to damper my anger towards Mellie. She’s told me one lie too many – I don’t know what to believe anymore.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Terra,” Mellie finally says, her tone neutral. It’s the same voice she used to coax Esther to follow her to Heaven; I’m not falling for it. “I didn’t want you to get attached to Andy because I knew he was going to die, but now that I know you are anyway, there’s nothing I can do to stop you from seeing him. And I really did want to help you move on, but I knew you would end up stuck and I…” she falters, and for the first time seems to have trouble speaking; “I didn’t want to face you. That was my fault, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that. But what I’m doing now is for the best. You don’t have to trust me, just believe what I’m saying. What I’m having you do is for the best.”
“How can watching people die be ‘for the best’?”
Mellie shakes her head and stands up, brushing imaginary dirt off of her dress. Her knees look knobby from this angle, her hands rough and unclean. She isn’t perfect after all. I don’t know why I ever thought she was.
“I can’t tell you that right now. I’m sorry. You’ll know eventually, but I’m not ready right now. Go see Andy; say goodbye. I’ll tell you anything you want to know after that.”
I don’t believe her for a second. Reece looks terrified, but beneath my anger all I feel is confusion. I don’t know who to trust or
what to think. There’s only one person I know who’s been genuine to me this entire time, and he’s not even going to be around for very much longer.
I’ve gone and messed everything up again, haven’t I? It seems like that’s all I do lately. I wonder if I’ll mess Andy up too. Maybe I already have.
Chapter Seventeen
School is just as boring when you’re dead as when you’re alive. The plus side is, there’s no homework and your grades don’t really matter anymore. But I guess the negative part is that you’re dead, which kind of puts a damper on things.
Andy looks like crap, and that’s putting it mildly. I haven’t seen him in a few days, but I didn’t expect him to look any different when I met him at school this morning. The thing that alarmed me the most is how easily spooked he was – all I had to do was float in front of him from behind his locker and he jumped back and gasped like he’d just been punched. He isn’t usually so skittish; something must be wrong.
The last time I saw him was after his mother basically disowned him for being who he is. I haven’t met his father yet, but if his mom is any indication, his parents are just about the worst support system a transgender teenager could have.
I don’t want to say I was avoiding him, but ever since Mellie told me that he’s going to die soon, I’ve been watching him from a
bit more of a distance. I don’t want my own interference to speed up the process, but at the same time, I’m still convinced that if I’m around at just the right moment, I can stop something bad from happening. Otherwise, what’s the point in hanging around Andy? It’s just going to hurt more later if I stick too close to him now.
“Good morning to you, too, sleepy head,” I say as soon as his heartrate seems to have gone back to normal. His pupils are dilated like an addict’s and one hand is clenched around a bunch of fabric over his
chest. He’s wearing his jet-black binder today; it matches his sweater so much it nearly blends in.
“’Morning,” he says in return, collecting his books from his locker and slamming the door shut. The halls are full of students sluggishly making their way to class, but nobody’s paying Andy enough attention to notice him talking to himself. “What are you doing here?”
“What, I can’t show up for moral support anymore? I promise I’m not gonna whack anybody with a volleyball this time. I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay.”
Clearly he isn’t; I don’t need to ask him to see that. His hair, which is usually messy anyway, is resting in a tangled heap on the top of his head and his eyes are rimmed with dark bags that make his skin look almost translucent in comparison. He looks like a walking corpse – he actually looks worse than I do, and I’m actually dead.
A couple of girls – one I recognize from gym class a few weeks ago – walk past and snicker in Andy’s direction. He lowers his head and turns away from his locker, standing in the middle of the hallway like he’s suddenly lost. He looks around, shakes his
head, and starts walking in the general direction of his first period class. I’m surprised he can even walk a straight line, with how exhausted he looks.
“What happened?” I ask him, moving out of the way of a cluster of students to avoid accidentally touching one of them. “You look terrible. No offense.”
He shakes his head, his greasy hair falling over his eyes in clumps. He could really use a haircut; he’s actually starting to look more like a girl with his hair so long.
I follow Andy silently, expecting him to lead us to his first class and tell me what’s on his mind afterwards, but instead he turns around and walks back towards his locker as soon as the line of students has started to thin out. A boy trudges past and looks up at Andy, giving him a smirk that makes my skin crawl; Andy looks like he’s going to be sick.
The bell rings and Andy sighs, tossing his backpack to the floor and kneeling down beside it. The tendons in his neck stick out as he looks around to make sure we’re alone. I think he’s lost even more weight since the last time I saw him, and he was already too skinny.
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