by Rose Hudson
When she blinks down at the baby, I remember what I’m supposed to be looking at. I’ve been around babies before during a couple times Celia was selected as emergency placement for newborns or on the rare occasion she’d babysit for one of the girls she worked with at the Ritz. But this is different.
“So, I guess you’re not sick, huh?” This makes her laugh and me too for that matter. The little boy stirs in the blanket and Lydia gets this knowing look on her face.
“Here, hold him for just a sec while I make a bottle.” She hands him over to me without waiting for a reply and I fumble over myself trying to hold him tight but not too tight.
One of his tiny hands pokes out from inside the blanket and I’m shocked at just how tiny it is. I can’t help but take my index finger and touch it to the palm of his hand, the same size as the pad of my finger. When he wraps his little hand around it, I feel a dip in the pit of my stomach.
Wow.
This is the very first time I’ve held a baby since Rush was this small. All my friends are pretty career focused and have yet to settle and start families of their own. Outside of the five of us I have no other relatives, although it is a fucking miracle that Thorn doesn’t have kids all over Chicago.
Liam is fragile and I can imagine how nervous and fearful new parents must feel. I’m just holding him while Lydia makes a bottle and I’m scared shitless I’m going to drop him any second. Which is exactly why I take small, even steps toward the couch, standing there for way too long trying to figure out how I’m going to bend and sit and hold onto him all at the same time.
“It’s scary, huh?” Lydia stands there with a bottle in hand, looking down at me with rounded eyes, lip between her teeth.
“Here.” I reach for the bottle and her eyes widen, but she moves to sit and hands it to me. I place the nipple of the bottle in the baby’s mouth and he immediately latches on. “I thought most babies cry when they’re hungry?”
“Sometimes he doesn’t.” She looks down at her hands.
“So, what happened? I don’t see or hear from you for a week, then I come over to find this. I wish you’d felt like you could call me.”
“I can’t even describe how insane the whole process was, what a miracle it was to witness.” She blinks rapidly and I can see a thousand emotions. “She did it and for the first time since all this happened, it really felt like she was there with us.”
“How are you? I mean, this is a pretty insane circumstance.”
“Other than no sleep and the fact that I haven’t had a shower in two days, I feel more alive than ever. And, I’m scared to death. Before when I thought of raising babies, I thought of it being much further into my future.” Bruno sniffs around the blanket, looking up at me before lying at my feet.
“It’s pretty fucking courageous, what you’re doing,” I say.
“I know she’d do the same for me. No question.” She sounds so sure and I hope she’s right because Lydia deserves to have a friend that loves her that much.
“Her parents coming around?” She shrugs.
“They are, but they aren’t ready to step in just yet. I think it will take some significant change in Madison’s condition, which is improving every day.”
“That sounds like pretty great news, right?”
She nods. The bottle I’d been feeding him runs dry and she reaches out to take him. Holding him to her chest, she gently pats his back.
“I guess I won’t believe it’s all okay until she wakes up—comes back to us. Can’t help it.”
She rocks Liam gently until he slips back into sleep, taking him back to settle into his crib, Bruno following her.
“I think Bruno’s attached already. He’s lying on the floor under the crib.” She smiles, coming back into the room. She somehow looks different to me and I can’t place where the feelings come from.
Before my biological mother committed suicide, she’d been so disconnected from us. I was only nine years old at the time, but even my adolescent mind recognized it. She’d sleep all day and leave Thorn and I to fend for ourselves for days on end while our father was deployed. It got better when Rush was born. Temporarily.
She was awake and involved, cooking meals and helping us with homework. It was a welcome change because going to school with clean clothes and not getting looked at by teachers and staff like we were street rats was nice.
There’s no comparison between her and Lydia, but at the same time, I feel like giving her a shoulder to lean on wouldn’t be the worst thing I could do. Nobody deserves to feel alone, especially in a time like this.
“Why don’t you go shower and take a nap or whatever you need to do while he’s sleeping. I got the monitor, I can keep an ear out.” One brow cocks up, eyes widening in confusion or disbelief.
“That’s okay. I’ll wait until tonight or tomorrow, whichever comes first.”
“Got my ears on high alert. Go.” I reach for the monitor on the coffee table, turning up the volume.
“Really? I mean, we were going to head to the hospital in just a bit, so if you could, that would be awesome. But if you can’t it’s no big deal because they have seen me look like shit plenty—”
“Lydia, go. I’ve got this.”
When she closes the door and silence settles around me, I can hear the baby breathing and Bruno snoring on the monitor.
Feeling anxious and out of my element, I walk around her space, stopping to look at the framed pictures placed around the room.
In almost all of them, Lydia is pictured with a blond that I assume is Madison. I’ve glanced over the pictures before while here, but never really looked at them.
Madison couldn’t be more opposite to Lydia. Yet, they appear similar in the way my brothers and I look standing next to one another.
The thought of one of my brothers in a hospital bed, unable to talk to me for months, on the edge between life and death, it makes my chest tighten.
It makes me realize the weight of what Lydia has been carrying around and the rate in which that weight is growing.
Now she doesn’t just have to worry about whether Madison will wake up, she must wonder whether she’ll wake up and be present for Liam’s life, or if she will have to stumble through being a substitute by herself.
That weight is heavy. How incredibly strong Lydia must be and I’ve not given her an ounce of credit. I went from only wanting to fuck her, to thinking of her as a privileged princess, to now knowing that even she must wade through the bullshit of life.
Maybe she’s human after all. Maybe the two of us aren’t as different as we’d like to think. Maybe I haven’t wanted to see what I feel toward her as anything more than physical, but lying to myself after this isn’t possible.
My hands itch to do something, to contribute, to help. I pick up the few remnants of trash on the coffee table that I assume are inevitable with babies, carrying them to the kitchen and into the trashcan. I smooth the cushions on the couch and re-stack the diapers and wipes into the basket on the floor.
The click of her bedroom door opening surprises me and I stand upright, turning to take in the surprise on her face.
“Did you pick up?” she asks, walking into the room.
At first, I can’t respond. All I can do is stare.
“You look beautiful,” I say it because it’s true and because I can’t help it. I need to say it and she looks like she needs to hear it. Her lips smile but her eyes look pained. For what, I’m not sure, but it’s there. “What can I help with? Have you called for a car?”
She nods. “Tony will be here in fifteen minutes. I really just need to change Liam and get his bag and stuff together.”
“If you’ll give me orders, I’ll get that stuff done while you take care of Liam.” I grab the baby bag from the coffee table. I turn back and she’s right there, bending to take the monitor in her hand, turning it off and staring at me all the while.
I want to kiss her. I want to wrap my arms around her and just press my lips a
nd my body to hers. It looks like that’s what she wants too, but I can’t be sure and now the game has changed and what’s going on here isn’t a game at all anymore, I just look at her, smiling like an idiot and waiting for instruction.
When we step outside her building, it’s impossible not to see the picture of the perfect little family we portray. I insisted that I carry down Liam in his car seat because the damn thing feels like it weighs a hundred pounds even though I’m sure it weighs less than twenty even with him in it. Lydia holds the end of Bruno’s leash and I forgot how excited he gets until I see Lydia’s small frame jerk to stop him. The two of us, a baby and a dog.
The look on Tony’s face confirms my thoughts as we reach the car.
“Good morning. The two of you paint quite the picture if I do say so myself.” Lydia looks from him to me, a mix of panic and politeness playing across her features.
“Tony, this is Stone Keeling,” she says, finally settling on what to say. I get it because I’m not sure what I would call her if I had to introduce her. Friend? Foe? Rush’s attorney’s assistant? Ex-lover?
I shake his hand. She considers me for a second, Tony opening the door and me setting the car seat inside. “And this is Bruno,” she says.
Tony reaches down to pet Bruno. Big dope. “Stone, Bruno, nice to meet the two of you.” He tips his hat and walks back around to the front of the car.
I take the end of Bruno’s leash from her, my hand touching hers, forcing her to look up at me.
“Thank you for your help. This is the first time I’ve left the apartment since bringing him home, so I didn’t fully grasp the level of difficulty getting out in one piece would be.” Her words come in quick succession, anxious smile in place. “I really am glad you stopped by. And not just because your help is a welcome relief, but because It’s nice to see you.”
I don’t know what happens from here and I don’t know or care what proper etiquette is, but the need to calm her nerves and the need to fulfill my own is what I go with. I place my hands on her arms, leaning into her, placing a gentle kiss to her cheek.
“I’ll see you later,” I say.
“Will you?” I don’t think the response is planned and I hear the genuine question. No teasing or flirting, just anxious curiosity. I nod, eyes searching and attempting to convey nothing but honesty. No games. Just truth.
“Okay.”
She walks to the car and gets in, and Bruno and I watch as the car disappears around the corner. He whines and looks up at me.
“Yeah, bud. We’re both screwed.”
I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me or if I’m going soft, but every hit feels wrong today. Not off in the sense that my skill is lacking, but that my usual urge to hit something is absent, that every punch I take is motivating me toward a fight that is wrong.
Being in Lydia’s space today, a space that now involves Liam, made me feel like continuing this path is wrong, but a necessary means to an end that I must reach.
Something changed, a part of myself, unknown, and in some ways unwanted, wormed its way into my psyche. Bringing to life thoughts and desires I’ve yet to understand no matter how many times I hit the fucking bag.
“I’m not going to ask again, so take it or leave it. What the hell’s up with you?” Thorn asks from my side. I stop the speed bag with my hand, looking at him confused, but knowing exactly what he’s talking about because I’ve been asking myself the same thing. I reach down and grab a towel, wiping it down my face.
“I stopped by Lydia’s this morning. Her friend had the baby. He was there.”
“And?”
“And I don’t know. Just weird being there, feeling like I need to be there.”
“I thought this was a casual thing? Hell, I didn’t even think you two liked each other.”
“Yeah, well, shit’s different. Okay?”
“Okay. So be there. Sounds simple to me.”
“Everything sounds simple to you. But this isn’t.”
“She still against you fighting?”
“No, she’s just against fighting period.”
“Don’t tell me you’re backing out? I mean, if you are, tell me and I’ll fight this dude.”
“The senator wants me, or I should say, my record.”
“One fight. I’ve lost one fucking fight. And I’ll be fighting that fucker again. I won’t lose—bet that.”
“Save it, Thorn. It is what it is.” I drink from my water bottle. “Come on. Let’s get in one more round.” Grabbing my bag, we walk over to the training room. I’m thrown when we walk through the door and see Jerry standing next to where Casper sits in a chair next to the ring.
“Come on, pansies. I don’t got all damn day,” Casper yells across the room.
“What the fuck?” Thorn says in shock.
“What the fuck is right,” I say quietly as we close in on the two of them. “What are you doing here, Jerry?”
“I was just driving by, thought I’d check on you boys.”
“And I’ve decided he can teach you boys a thing or two, so get your asses up there and let’s get moving,” Casper instructs. I look over at Thorn, his eyes wide as he slips on his sparring gloves. I toss my bag down by the bench and slip mine on as well, tamping down the unnecessary urge to say something.
If there’s one thing I know about Jerry, it took some balls to come here and he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. So, that’s that.
I can follow instruction if it’s worth following. So, I’ll listen until he doesn’t benefit me. Then I’ll tell his ass to leave and quit wasting my time.
When I exit the ring after our sparring session, Jerry having given out most of the instructions, it’s unexpected that I feel I’ve picked up a few things to add to my technique. Everything’s been second nature for so long, that learning something during our sparring sessions has been nearly obsolete.
I grab my things and head toward the door, nodding in the direction of where Casper, Jerry and Thorn stand in conversation as I do.
“Wait up,” I hear Jerry call out behind me and I pause, not bothering to look over until he’s at my side. “I know you’ve got places to be, but I just wanted to say something since we haven’t talked since the diner the other day.” I grit my teeth at the mention of the diner since I was hoping to avoid this conversation. I close my eyes briefly before looking him in the eye. “Look, I know you and I don’t elaborate on shit, but I wanted you to know one thing. We never told you boys about the adoption because I asked Celia not to.” I turn to face him full on, curious now to hear what he has to say. “After the shit you boys had been through when we got you, I didn’t want you to ever feel like you owed us anything. We didn’t want to worry about the state jerking you away and bouncing you from one fucking foster family to another. You were our boys and we wanted to keep it that way. We didn’t say anything because we didn’t want you to feel obligated to consider us your parents until it was a decision you made on your own terms.”
All I can do is stand there, looking around us because unease creeps over me, but also because I’m speechless. I know I should respond, hell, for the first time, I feel like I should thank the man standing before me. For the first time, Jerry just said something that really means something to me, and there’s a tinge of guilt that I’ve sold him short.
I do the only thing I know to do. I do what we do best because he knows me well enough to know this is all I’ve got to give.
“So, I guess that means you’ll start coming around here more often? Quit being such a damn stranger to the game?”
An almost imperceptible smile forms in the corner of his mouth, the real smile in his eyes as he looks at me.
“Yeah, I think I will.”
I nod and turn to leave, knowing the real lesson I learned today, happened outside the ring.
LIKE A BEACON, I HEAD toward Lydia’s without a second thought. That’s bullshit. I’ve been thinking about it all day, so it’s had more tha
n a second thought. This…thing has had a ten-hour hold on my brain.
When we pull up in front of her building, Bruno starts pawing at the window. I reach over and rub his head.
“Calm down. Let me make sure she’s here.” Pulling out my phone, I type out a text to her.
Are you home?
My palms start sweating when her reply doesn’t come instantly. What am I thinking? I should’ve texted earlier and made sure this was okay. I’m probably making myself look like a total stalker. Ding. I look down at my phone at her response.
Yes. Are you here?
Shit. Do I say yes? Do I say I’m on my way? Do I say, no, I was just checking on you? I hold the phone and stare blankly at it. Finally, I settle on honesty.
Bruno and I just pulled up.
Bubbles indicating her typing a response dance across our text thread.
Good. I could use your help. Come up.
I wipe my palms on my jeans and clip the leash to Bruno’s collar. He jumps over my lap to exit the truck when I open the door.
“Damn, dude. Hold on.” I step down and shut the door, locking it behind me with the remote as we walk across the street.
When I step off the elevator and walk toward her door, I can hear muffled baby cries coming from her apartment and Bruno must hear it too because he starts whining and pulling on the leash. I pet to calm him and knock at the door. A few seconds later the door opens and Lydia opens the door, frustration in her features.
“Hey. Come in.” She leaves the door open and walks back toward the main room. I walk in after Bruno, pulling on his leash to get his attention. “I was just making Liam a bottle. Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back.”
I nod, walking around the couch and over to where Liam lies in his playpen, arms and legs flailing as he cries.
“Well I guess he’s decided to cry when he’s hungry now, huh?” I laugh a little.
“Yeah. He definitely makes it known now,” she says from the kitchen. I want to reach down and pick him up, anxious to soothe him, but not wanting to cross any boundaries.