Why couldn’t I make up my damn mind?
And, what if I did, only to have my own hopes crushed in the way that I didn’t want to crush Darren’s?
Chapter 31 – Darren
The visit had gone wonderfully. I will never forget the peaceful look on my son’s face as I put him and my mother into the car, him clutching my mother and sleepily protesting their leaving.
What a difference this visit was compared to the last one. Bryant had actually wanted to stay with me.
I told him that he would be coming back soon enough. And I really meant it—Hope or no Hope. I was a proud father and it was time I started acting like it. Even though he didn’t seem satisfied by my reassurances, he at least smiled long enough to whisper “bye, Daddy,” while waving a chubby hand at me, and then they left, with promises of us being able to video chat the very next day.
As I waved them off and watched the car disappear around the bend, reality began to set in. While I was in the middle of enjoying my son’s visit, I had tried putting out of my head the fact that Hope would be leaving.
But, a man of my word, I went off to find her. She was sitting in her room, surrounded with her things and two empty suitcases. She wasn’t packing. She was just sitting on the edge of the bed curled up with her arms around her legs. She looked worried or sad.
“Here, let me help you,” I said, moving to pick up some of her things and put them into the suitcase.
“Don’t do that!” she yelled, snatching the things from my hand and throwing them to the floor.
“Whoa! What’s going on? I’m only trying to help.”
I put my hands in the air and started backing away. I didn’t want to trigger anything. Maybe it would be best if I just left her alone to pack herself and leave, I thought. I didn’t want to cause a scene. Even if it was only her and I left in the house, I had to remind myself I had built it for peace, and what was going on right now was the exact opposite of that goal.
“No, don’t go,” she pleaded, just as I was about to back out of the room into the hallway.
Now, I was really confused.
“Hope, can you please tell me what’s going on?”
Hope brushed her auburn hair away from her face and turned to face the window. There was nothing to see since it was so dark. I just assumed that she was looking at her own reflection. She was so beautiful, I couldn’t say that I blamed her.
“I really appreciate you staying for the visit. It meant a lot to me that you stayed even though you feel torn.”
“I can’t go.”
I couldn’t believe that I was hearing her right.
“What?”
“I can’t go.”
The past few days had been such an emotional rollercoaster, I wasn’t entirely sure that I wasn’t having some sort of hallucination or imagining that she was saying those words.
“Why not?”
“Because, I… I…” She sounded like she was about to cry.
“What? Hope, please tell me what’s going on?”
“I… I think that I might be pregnant.”
My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t quite know what that meant, but I knew that, whatever the case was, we needed to find out for sure.
“Well, that’s not the only reason I can’t go,” she hastened to add. “I had already been feeling very strongly that I wanted to stay, but I didn’t want to tell you unless I was sure.”
“I certainly appreciate that,” I told her.
“I know. I feel so bad that I couldn’t make up my mind, and I was afraid of hurting either my mom, or you,” she continued. “But in the end, I know I have to do what’s best for myself. And that’s to be with you. But, what really tipped the scale in your favor is when I started feeling nauseous. I’m not sure, but I really think I might be pregnant.”
“Well, there’s only one way to find out. I’ll head to town and pick up a test.”
I turned to go, even though I really wanted to be with her right now.
“No need,” said Hope. “I already have one. I bought one the moment that I agreed to come live in this house, because I knew the reason why. I knew how important it would be. At the time, I was thinking about the money, but now, I’m thinking about… us. Our future. So, I have a pregnancy test. It’s right here.”
I turned to see her with a box in her hand. It was an unopened pregnancy test.
This was the moment of truth.
Chapter 32 – Hope
Sixty seconds. That’s how long it said it would take for us to get the results back on the pregnancy test. They were the longest sixty seconds of my life.
My stomach had been feeling nauseous ever since I went downstairs to meet Darren’s mom and son, but now it flittered with anticipation as well. At first, I was convinced it was nerves that was making my stomach upset, but as the day drew on, it got worse instead of better, even though the visit was going well.
So, it dawned on me that I really might be pregnant. And the timing couldn’t be any better, since it was in a sense the “make it or break it” moment.
I had already decided, though, that I was going to stay no matter what the outcome. Positive or negative, I’d either stay and have his baby, or stay and try again. And my mom was just going to have to figure out some way to live with that.
I was so nervous. I wondered if Darren felt the same way. He paced back and forth outside the bathroom as he waited for me to get the results.
While I waited for the test results to come back, I looked at myself in the mirror. How had I gotten to this place? Here I was waiting to see what the course of my life would look like and it all depended on the results of this drug store test. I hadn’t imagined that my year would be ending like this. I guess, how could I have?
“It’s time. What does it say?” came Darren’s muffled voice on the other side of the door.
I glanced down at the test.
There it was.
Opening the bathroom door, I went and sat on the toilet, motioning for Darren to look at the test.
He walked over and looked.
“Wow.”
That was all he said. He stepped back and leaned against the wall.
I was pregnant.
But, this was not the way that I’d imagined that it would be when I found out. Neither one of us was happy about this news. We both had a look of death, like we just found out that someone close to us had died, not that we were about to welcome new life into the world. This felt so wrong.
“I’m happy,” I announced. “I just need some time to process things.”
“Me too,” he agreed, looking relieved. “This is what I wanted. What I paid you for. It’s here. And I’m glad. But the timing of things…”
“…could definitely have been better,” I finished the sentence for him.
Shit.
Why had I freaked out about my mom’s feelings? Why couldn’t this moment only fill us with joy rather than uncertainty?
“I think everything will be better in the morning,” he said. “We just need to get some sleep. We’ve had a long day.”
“I agree,” I told him. “If it’s okay with you, I want to just go to sleep and we can work on figuring everything out in the morning. I think we will both be feeling as joyful as we should about this, after a good night’s sleep.”
“Okay,” said Darren. He walked to the doorway but then looked back and nodded at me. “Thank you, Hope.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, meekly.
I didn’t feel I had done much to be thanked for. Yes, I was pregnant. But just a little bit ago I had been saying I was going to leave him. And now I just felt… overwhelmed.
I told myself it was okay to have mixed feelings. This was a big deal. It was to be expected. But I still felt guilty for having any reaction other than pure joy, as part of me felt like that was how it was supposed to feel when one found out one was pregnant.
As Darren disappeared down the corridor, I took a deep breath and let it o
ut.
This was one of the few nights I’d actually be sleeping in the room that I was calling mine and it felt strange. We had spent the last few weeks all over each other, close, affectionate.
Now, it seemed so cold. I wrapped the blankets around me extra tightly that night, in an effort to keep the cold from penetrating my bones.
But, I knew that the cold I was feeling had nothing to do with the weather.
Chapter 33 – Darren
After a good night’s sleep, I woke up and knew exactly what I needed to do. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me to do this before, but I was about to make a trip to Eve’s house and be completely honest with her. She had always been wonderful to me. She at least deserved to hear from me the truth about what was going on.
I didn’t know how I would be received once I got to the house, but I didn’t expect that Eve would be standing outside when I got there. It was early. The sun had barely come up. I guess I assumed that she and everyone else in the house would be sleeping.
She wasn’t. She was out in their small garden in the front yard, pulling weeds. Eve really was a hard worker, I thought.
When she saw me pull up and recognized me, she turned to face me, arms crossed.
“You! What are you doing here?” He words were venomous, like I’d never heard her words come out before.
“Please hear me out,” I said, walking toward her slowly. “I just want a chance to explain what’s going on.”
“Oh? Now, you want to explain? You concoct this whole plan to impregnate my daughter, making her your whore and buying my first grandchild and now you want to come by with an explanation. No need. Please leave.”
She turned and pretended to busy herself in the garden again, ignoring the fact that I was still standing there.
“I have a son. He hasn’t wanted anything to do with me since I came home. The doctors told me that I have a few months left and I will be completely sterile. I won’t ever be able to have more children,” I blurted out.
I didn’t know what had gotten into me, except that I felt that Eve deserved to know the whole story.
“I know, I know,” I added, realizing how bad it sounded. “How selfish of me to use your daughter for my own purposes. I wanted so badly to have children, I guess that I didn’t think of what that might mean on a deeper level for your daughter. I thought that I could get the baby that I wanted and help you and your family out of your financial troubles at the same time. I guess I left it up to Hope to tell you what she wanted you to know, but I see now that that was wrong. I should have been the one to step up and tell you what my intentions were. And for that I am truly sorry.”
Eve didn’t respond at all. She just kept right on working in the garden.
“Can you please talk to me?” I begged.
I didn’t know what I was looking for. For her to accept my apology? Either way, I didn’t want to keep feeling like an idiot talking to her back. I walked around and stood in front of her, begging her again to talk to me.
She sighed dejectedly.
“What do you want me to say, Darren? I forgive you? It’s water under the bridge? It’s not that simple. What you did wasn’t right. You made Hope feel like she had to lie to me. Her own mother. I’m the reason that you even know who she is! And I regret the day I asked her to fill in for me, or else she wouldn’t know you at all.”
“I know! I really know,” I exclaimed, but I was thinking, ouch. Her words were harsh, even though they were deserved. “And you might not believe me, but I really am sorry!”
“Okay, well, I guess I appreciate the after-the-fact apology,” she spat.
She stood up and started walking toward the house.
“I’m in love with her,” I called out after her.
She stopped.
“Are you serious?” she asked carefully, turning to face me.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I went into this arrangement thinking that it would just be a transaction. Now that I’ve had time to get to know her, I have fallen in love with her. Now, I want her for more than just having my baby. I want to be with her forever.”
She smiled so brightly and even from the distance that I stood, it looked like tears were beginning to well up in her eyes.
“You really mean it?”
“I really mean it,” I said.
She ran down from the porch and threw the full weight of her body into me. I laughed as I stumbled backward to catch her.
“Well, now that makes me happy,” she said, choking back tears. “I thought this was all just some monetary transaction. But if you two actually love each other… well, it’s an unorthodox way for a baby to come into this world, but, it’s not the worst way. At least it will have parents who are in love and who will hopefully be able to provide it a lot of love.”
“Yes,” I told her. “Exactly. The baby will have two parents— and an older brother— who will love her, or him, very much.”
I didn’t know why, but I wanted it to be a girl. Perhaps because I already had a boy. Or perhaps because I felt that it would be so adorable if Hope and I could have a little girl.
I felt like I was floating on the drive back home. I kicked myself for not talking to Eve in the first place. But, it probably happened right on time because the feelings that I now had for Hope were not ones that I felt when we first entered into the agreement. They were feelings that had developed over the past couple of weeks.
I decided I would leave it up to Hope to let her mom know of any further news. Before getting out of the car, I decided to make a phone call.
“Hello, old friend!” came the happy voice on the other side of the phone. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”
“Hey, Harlow! I just wanted to tell you the good news. I am going to have a baby.”
“Wow! Congratulations!”
“Thanks! Also, I have a son too. His name is Bryant.”
“Wow, wow, wow,” Harlow declared. “All this news at once.”
“I know,” I admitted. “I’ve never been the most… open… of people, especially after the helicopter crash and everything, but not even before that.”
“I can relate,” he said. “And it’s fine. Really. I’m glad you’re telling me. Congrats, man. Our kids will all have to get together and play.”
“Yes, that’s part of why I’m calling,” I told him, before taking a big breath and deciding to plunge into unfamiliar waters. “Hey listen, I’m not sure what your plans are for Christmas, and I know it’s rather far away, but I would love it if you and your families came by for a party at my house.”
“Yes, sure! That sounds wonderful,” Harlow answered, causing me to breathe a big sigh of relief.
He had said he wanted to see me, but it was a different thing altogether to get confirmation. I couldn’t believe that not only did I have Hope, plus a baby on the way, plus a son already, but now I had friends, too. Life was only getting better from here on out, I could just tell.
“I’ll have Whitney put it on our calendar now since holiday plans fill up quickly with such a big extended family like ours,” Harlow continued. It would be lovely to see friends who also had kids. I was certainly feeling more and more like a normal person these days. “Shoot me over the details and I’ll make sure that we are all there. I can’t wait to meet your kid, and see you again too.”
“Will do. I’ll be in touch,” I said, hanging up the phone.
I was grateful to Harlow for continuing to reach out to me, despite my initial hesitancy and even mistreatment of him. It wasn’t every day a guy had a good friend like that. But, not every guy was lucky enough to be a fucking SEAL, like me.
This was going to be a first for all of us. I had never had anyone at the house other than Eve, Hope, my mother, and my son Bryant. This made me remember what my life used to be like before the accident, when I was still in the land of the living.
This made me excited for the future.
I was in the land of the living once a
gain.
Chapter 34 – Hope
I had such terrible dreams that I was being chased in the woods. I was so scared and, even though I kept waking up, I would eventually fall back asleep, only to find myself right back in the dream.
When I woke up in the room that I had been using basically to store my things, I was almost confused as to where I was. When I looked around the room and found my things scattered everywhere, it all came crashing back into my memory.
I was pregnant. I was at Darren’s. I had said I was leaving. But then I had stayed. And things were still clear as mud between us. I had to fix that. Pronto.
Before I had a chance to get out of bed, though, I heard a knock at the door. It didn’t sound strong and steady like Darren’s knock would have— had he even bothered to knock at all. Instead, it sounded more hesitant and weak.
“Come in,” I said, to whoever was on the other side.
The door creeped open and my mother’s head poked around the doorway.
“Hey, Hope,” said my mother, timidly.
“Mom! What are you doing here?”
She walked all the way in the room, looking around at the mess of things scattered all over the bed, floor, and dresser.
“What are you doing in here?” she repeated my question back to me.
“I was packing so that I could come home,” I said. “I was thinking you were right, mom. I was stupid to have agreed to this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought I had come to my senses and I actually told Darren that I was going home.”
“You can’t do that,” said my mom.
“What?” I asked, incredulously. “I didn’t even get to the part where I changed my mind back, yet again. I thought you’d be mad about that part.”
I was sure that she would be happy to hear the part where I had honestly thought I was coming home. Now I was thrown for a loop. What could have caused her change of heart?
“Darren stopped by and we had a talk,” my mom said. “He told me about everything that you two have been planning. That whole silly contract you guys signed. I was still mad, that’s for sure. I still think it’s all a terrible idea. But, then he told me something else.”
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