by Fiona Harper
On the surface everything was fine. They were polite, professional, grown-up.
He and Kelly were boss and PA again, working as a team, and everything was going smoothly on that front. But there were no more fireworks in the office. They were being nice to each other, and they’d never been nice to each other. He hated it.
He opened his office door to find Julie sitting in his chair behind his desk, a crisp white envelope in her hand. She didn’t look very pleased to see him.
She stood up, slapped the envelope down on the oak surface and crossed her arms.
Really? Again?
‘Julie...’ he began.
She shook her head. ‘You knew the deal and you decided you couldn’t keep it in your trousers.’
Jason’s mouth dropped open. Not because of how his HR manager had spoken to him, but because he really hadn’t dated anyone at work since their last conversation.
‘You’re wrong,’ he said, not even pretending to look sheepish. She wanted a fight? Well, he’d give her a fight! Turned out he was just in the mood.
‘Oh, yes? Then why was your PA down in my office yesterday afternoon, trying to subtly ask—and failing, I might add—to be moved to another department?’
Jason must have looked as dumbfounded as he felt because Julie cocked her head to one side and studied his reaction closely.
‘I don’t know why she came to see you,’ he said. ‘But it is categorically not because I slept with her.’ Not for want of trying on at least a couple of occasions, but no point telling Julie that now.
She narrowed her eyes. ‘Then why has Kelly got that look?’
He didn’t know what she was talking about. ‘What look?’
And Kelly wanted to leave him? To move to another department? The thought made him sick. Not just because he wouldn’t see her every day anymore but because it surely didn’t bode well for any future relationship. She was already pulling away. Something deep down inside started to ache.
Crap. This was why he didn’t like to care about anything. Because it hurt so freakin’ much!
Julie snorted. ‘I’ve seen enough of your casualties to recognise it, believe me, so don’t you try and tell me...’ She trailed off mid-sentence and just stared at him, her eyes widening.
‘You too?’ she said, shaking her head. ‘It’s finally happened, hasn’t it?’
Jason couldn’t do anything but let out a couple of pints of air and then nod his head.
Julie’s arms fell by her sides. ‘And it’s got you good, by the looks of it!’
He just sighed and looked at his shoes. He didn’t do conversations about feelings, especially not with a woman half the staff thought was a flesh-eating robot.
She stood up and walked over to him, laid a hand on his arm. ‘So why do the two of you look as if the world’s about to end if you both feel the same way?’
He kept his head bowed but twisted it to look at her. ‘It’s complicated.’
Julie gave him a half-smile. ‘It always is, sweetheart. Don’t ever believe it won’t be, but it’s worth it.’ She lowered her voice. ‘And is she worth it?’
Jason closed his eyes. There was this odd tight feeling behind them that was most uncomfortable. ‘Yes,’ he whispered. She was worth everything. With difficulty, he opened his eyes again and focused on Julie. ‘But you know my track record better than anyone. I think it’s scared her off. But I’ve changed, Julie, really I have.’
Her smile spread to the other side of her mouth too. ‘Yes, I think you might have.’ And then she withdrew the hand that had been gently resting on his forearm and used it to punch him in the bicep.
‘Ow.’
Julie just chuckled. ‘So prove you’ve changed. Do something that’ll leave her in no doubt. You’re a smart guy... You’ll come up with something.’
And then she collected her envelope from his desk, tucked it into her pocket and walked towards the door.
* * *
Jason hadn’t seen this view for at least three years, but here he was, standing on the twenty-fifth floor, staring out across the Manhattan skyline, the Hearst Tower looming large off to the right. Five minutes, his father’s PA had said. Jason wondered if dear old Dad would make him wait ten before he let him in.
Much to his surprise, the door to his father’s office opened after three. Jason turned from where he’d been staring out of the window, ready to see the look of complete indifference in the man’s eyes. His father wasn’t one for effusive demonstrations. Anything above a frown would probably be considered a warm welcome.
Jefferson Knight nodded at his son and indicated for him to enter his domain. ‘It’s been a long time, Jason.’ He paused a moment and the threat of a scowl pinched his features. ‘Everything is all right at Aspire, I hope?’
‘Everything is fine,’ Jason said lightly, and sat down in a comfortable leather chair without waiting to be asked. ‘In fact, it’s more than all right. Dale McGrath is ready to sign on the dotted line to endorse the Mercury shoe line.’
His father had been preparing to sit in his office chair, but he paused momentarily before allowing his butt to hit the seat. ‘Really? I’d heard he knocked you back.’
Jason shrugged. ‘I talked him round.’
The edges of his father’s eyes crinkled just slightly. ‘That’s quite a coup.’
Jason had waited years to see that look. It was the same look he wore when Brad finished well in a race or he saw a story about him in the paper. But somehow he didn’t feel jubilant he’d finally proved the old man wrong, that ‘the look’ was finally directed at him. All he felt was hollow and empty. And he hadn’t told his father the whole truth, either.
‘Actually, I couldn’t have done it without the help of my new PA. She’s turning out to be quite an asset, even though she’s only temping for us at present.’
His father pressed his palms together and spread his fingers. ‘Then I hope you’re going to make her position permanent. The company is nothing without the people behind it, Jason. I’ve always told you that.’
He nodded. Partly because, after a few years of heading up a business himself, Jason suddenly understood the wisdom of his father’s much-repeated expression, and partly because he was sidestepping telling him that he probably wouldn’t offer Kelly a permanent position. Not unless things changed. He had a feeling she wouldn’t accept, even if he did.
Stupid thing number one he wasn’t going to own up to. How many more was he going to chalk up before the meeting was over?
His father leant back in his chair and regarded him carefully. ‘You didn’t come all this way to tell me about Dale McGrath,’ he said. ‘What’s really on your mind?’
Jason swallowed. As always, his father didn’t miss a trick. Of course, he’d have expected his son to trumpet his success in an email or a glossy report his father could pass out to the shareholders. When had Jason last delivered a piece of good news in person? Man to man. Because that was what they were now, he realised, not omnipotent parent and approval-seeking child.
He looked down at his hands, which were resting casually in his lap. ‘I wanted to apologise, Dad. For a lot of things...For not making the time to see you and Mom when I’ve been in the city.’ He looked up to check his father’s expression. The older man had gone very still and his grey-blue eyes were fixed intently on his son. ‘I’m sorry that I haven’t always been the son you’ve wanted me to be, that it’s taken me a long time to learn some hard lessons.’
‘Jason...’
‘No, Dad. Let me finish.’ He inhaled and looked his father in the eye. ‘Most of all I’m sorry for what happened to Brad—for what I did to Brad—and for how it tore our family apart.’
His father nodded slowly. ‘Thank you for saying that, Jason. I’ve been waiting a long time to hear it.’
Jason exhaled. He’d never said it before, had he? Had never shown any true remorse to his family. At first he’d been too busy soaking in self-pity, and after that too busy fooling the world he didn’t care. How had he been so thoughtless and so shallow? No wonder his father despised him.
He uncrossed his legs and sat up a little straighter in the chair.
His father stared back at him for what seemed like an age. Well, what had he been expecting? That his father would pull him into a bear hug and tell him all was forgiven? At least he’d said what he’d come here to say. At least he’d started the process of reconciliation. How far they got down that road wouldn’t only be up to him.
But then his father lifted his chin and spoke again. ‘You’re right. I haven’t always been proud of some of the choices you’ve made. You have a way of pushing against any kind of authority that makes it very difficult to get close, and I know you’ve sensed that I found it easier to get along with your brother than I have with you.’
Jason couldn’t find the words to respond. From his father’s lips that was almost both an apology and an admission of guilt.
‘But you’ve proved me wrong and done well with Aspire,’ his father continued. ‘And I appreciate you coming and talking to me face to face, saying what you’ve said. It can’t have been easy...’
‘Maybe this can be a fresh start,’ Jason said and, as he did so, he thought of Kelly. This development, as well as the McGrath deal, was down to her too. He wished she was here with him. He’d have loved to see her butt heads with the stubborn old goat. He reckoned his father would like Kelly. A lot.
His father picked up his phone and dialled. ‘Then I’d better call your mother,’ he said. ‘If she finds out you’ve been to see me and I didn’t invite you for dinner, neither of our lives will be worth living.’
And then he smiled. He actually smiled.
Jason couldn’t help grinning back.
* * *
Jason had disappeared from the office on Friday at lunchtime and if Kelly had thought not having to see him every day, not having to pretend everything was fine and dandy when she was really aching to touch him would be easier, then she was wrong. She hated herself for being so weak.
You’ve got to get over this, girl, she told herself. You need all your strength for Monday when you go to the hospital for the first round of tests. You can’t let him sap you like this.
She swore out loud, realising she’d happily told the computer, no, she didn’t want to save the document she’d been working on all afternoon. Damn Jason. Damn, damn Jason!
Kelly sighed and rested one elbow on her desk and dropped her head onto her hand. It really wasn’t Jason’s fault she’d fallen for him. He hadn’t done anything—apart from being sexy and funny and amazing, of course.
God, men! They were always doing the opposite of what you wanted them to. Want them to stay and they leave. Want them to be a good father and they could only be a crappy one. Want them to be the perfect, no strings, rebound fling and they go and break your heart! It so wasn’t fair.
She shook her head and stared at her computer screen. The little clock in the corner said it was only just past three. Her boss had disappeared off to heaven knew where. She was going home. And if she got fired, that’d be the least of her worries. She could pick the boys up early and Chloe could claw some of her afternoon back for herself.
When she got to Chloe and Dan’s she discovered that her brother was also home and messing around in the greenhouse he kept at the bottom of the garden. Kelly was still fired up about the stupidity of the male species in general, so she decided she might as well put it to good use. She marched down the lawn and stepped into the sweltering heat of the eight-by-ten glass structure.
Dan turned round, took one look at his sister’s face and sighed. ‘What now?’
‘You’re being a pig-headed wally,’ she told him.
He blinked. ‘Don’t hold back, sis. Tell me how you really feel.’
She glowered at him. ‘You’ve got an amazing woman back there,’ she said, jerking her thumb at the house. ‘And you’re making her really unhappy.’
Dan’s expression became stony. ‘What goes on between me and my wife is none of your business.’
‘You’re shutting her out!’ she said in exasperation. ‘I know you’re scared witless—hell, we’re all scared of something—but at least share that with her. Let her help you. That’s what people who love each other are supposed to do.’
He raised his eyebrows and tipped his head to one side. ‘Really? You want to go there?’
‘Oh, shut up,’ she told him. Why did her stupid brother have to pick right now to start making sense?
She sighed and shook her head. ‘Just talk to her, will you? Tell her how you’re feeling, admit that you’re scared. She’ll understand that after a cot death any parent would be scared to try again, but you can’t stop living your life, doing what makes you happy just because there’s the possibility of something bad happening...’ She trailed off. ‘Oh...’
‘Yes, oh...’ Dan said and turned his attention back to the straggly little plant he was trying to pot. ‘That’s the thing about greenhouses... Stone-throwing is a hazardous pastime.’
FIFTEEN
It was a nice-enough waiting area, as hospital waiting areas went. Pale green chairs in a durable fabric, muted seascapes on the walls. Kelly folded her arms across her torso and hugged herself. Her boobs had been squished, prodded and subjected to an array of medical-imaging techniques, but she was trying not to think about it all—or watch the consultant’s office door like a hawk.
At that moment a nurse emerged from the very same door and scanned the room of frowning women. Kelly held her breath.
‘Samantha Dooley?’ the nurse asked hopefully.
A girl in her twenties, two rows back, rose and followed the nurse inside.
Kelly exhaled again. This was torture. She turned to Chloe, who was sitting next to her studying a picture of a lighthouse on a balmy summer’s day.
‘Has Dan calmed down yet? I riled him up good and proper the other day.’
Chloe sighed. ‘You really didn’t have to talk to him on my behalf.’
Kelly recognised that weary tone. What Chloe really wanted to say was, You should have minded your own business.
‘Sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I think I was venting my frustration at the wrong man.’
Chloe shrugged and sighed again. ‘Well, it did the trick—after a whole lot of shouting, we talked.’
‘You did?’
‘And then he showed me some pictures of Joshua.’ She shook her head. ‘I’d never even seen that photo album before, never even knew it existed....’ She turned and looked at Kelly. ‘I think it did him good to see them again, to share some of his memories.’
Kelly smiled at her sister-in-law. ‘Do you think he’s coming round?’
Chloe’s head bobbed. ‘He bristled a bit when I mentioned the support group I’d researched.’
Kelly snorted. ‘I can imagine! My brother isn’t one for group activities, especially touchy-feely type things. I imagine he’d rather flay himself alive than go to—’ And then she realised she was trampling all over Chloe’s careful plans and had to apologise again.
Chloe gave her a meaningful look. ‘I know they’re not Dan’s “thing”, but sometimes we can’t do everything on our own. Sometimes we need to let people in so they can help us—you told Dan that yourself.’
Kelly breathed in. Yes, she had.
‘He told me that you said he couldn’t just stop living his life because he was scared of what the future might bring.’
Kelly nodded. ‘Stuff happens, no matter what you
do to try and protect yourself.’ And wasn’t she living proof of that? ‘You just have to keep going, do what you need to survive.’
Chloe gave her a strange look. ‘And what did you do to survive?’
Kelly frowned. She hadn’t done anything. Just stayed strong and determined, had pushed her way through.
Dan’s words came floating back to her. That’s the thing about greenhouses...
But she wasn’t anything like Dan! She hadn’t shut her heart down and given up on love, as he had before he’d met Chloe. That option hadn’t been open to her. She’d had her boys to keep her heart warm, and they’d needed a mother who could make up for their waste-of-space father.
As always, thinking of her ex made her angry. And she didn’t want to be angry sitting here, staring at that smug-looking lighthouse.
A memory rose to the surface unbidden—the sleepless night she’d spent the week after Tim had moved out. How she’d made a silent vow to herself. How she’d told herself she’d never give anyone the opportunity to let her down that way again.
She realised she hadn’t answered Chloe’s question. ‘I did what I needed to do at the time,’ she said quietly, realising that had been true. Back then there had been no other way. But did that mean she needed to keep pushing everyone away?
Like she had Jason.
She hadn’t really given him a chance, had she? She’d just shut down and done what she’d always done—prepared to survive. On her own.
She turned to her sister-in-law and her voice came out scratchy and wobbly. ‘Oh, Chloe...I think I might have made the most horrible mistake!’
Before Chloe could even ask what she was talking about, the consultant’s door opened again and the nurse walked a couple of steps into the waiting room.