by AKM Miles
“Soldier?”
"Yeah, buddy? Couldn’t sleep? Uh, problem with the bed... did you pee?”
Gom nodded his head and tried not to cry as he said, “I’m sorry. I know I’m bad. I’m scared. Please don’t let them take me back. I’ll try harder to be good.”
“Come up here, sweetie.”
Gom’s eyes got huge. “But I can’t. I’m wet and I stink. I’m ugly and not worth...”
“Shhh!” Soldier shushed him quickly. “Stop right there. We had this conversation. Your mother was wrong.” How could he get through to the little boy? “You love me now, you believe me now, right? You are not a bad boy. You’re a good, kind, sweet, loving boy.” God, he just had to make Gom believe this. “You’re good. Do you hear me? Now, come up here. I don’t care if you are wet, and you don’t stink. I need a hug. I can’t stand to hear you say those things that your mother said. They make me sad.”
“Me, too.” Gom reached up to Soldier and was picked right up and placed on his chest.
Soldier didn’t even flinch when the wet child settled onto him. He had lived through far worse and could handle a hell of a lot more to make this child feel good about himself. ”You sleepy?” He hoped.
“Yeah. Pee Wiggles is with Tommy and Traveler is asleep on the floor, but I still couldn’t sleep and I got to thinking about the police man and what if he took me and gave me to someone who hated me again and...” Gom always talked so fast and with such anguish evident in his little voice.
“Shhh!” Soldier said again. “Gom, baby, don’t. No one is going to take you away. Didn’t you believe me last night?”
“Yeah, but then I went to bed and I got scared and... and...” Gom dissolved into tears. Soldier figured he’d let the boy cry a little. Gom obviously needed to get it out.
“Okay, I’m gonna give you three whole minutes to cry and get it out of your system. Then you’re gonna give me a hug goodnight and go on to sleep for me. We’ll wake up early again and shower and maybe do a little laundry while we start breakfast for the others. Deal?”
“Yeah. Thank you, Soldier. Sometimes I just need to cry.”
Soldier heard a little whimper as Gom let loose and cried against him. Hot tears soaked his shirt and he was amazed to hear the occasional little sob and hiccup. Gom was beginning to feel safe enough to cry, really cry.
One day, they’d all rejoice when he just bawled like a baby, with great big sobs and wails. It was a strange world. You wouldn’t usually wish for such things, but being able to cry normally would be a big step for this child. This heart-stealer. Good thing Soldier had a big old heart, because between what he felt for Dillon, Gom, Tommy, and the others, he was spreading it pretty thin. He could handle it.
“Time’s up. Sleep,” he said quietly.
“Okay, Soldier. Thanks. I love you.” Gom hugged him tight around the neck and dropped right off to sleep. Amazing.
“You, too, buddy.”
***
Soldier woke early and lay still in the chair, glad that Gom was still sleeping so soundly. The little boy had slept through the night, not waking to nightmares once. Progress. He was thankful for each little step.
“Soldier...?” a small whisper.
“Yeah, Gom?”
“You’re awake. Did I wake you up?”
“Nope. I woke up and you were still sound asleep. I was just lying here thinking.”
“Want me to get off you? Am I too heavy?” Gom started to wiggle like he was going to get down.
“Hey. Be still. It’s still really early. You don’t have to get up yet. Do you want to sleep more?”
“I don’t think so. Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“Really? Anything?”
“I will answer anything you ask.”
“Can it be our secret... like the other? I... I never told nobody else this.” Gom was whispering now.
“I’ll keep your secret. Are you sure you want to tell me and not Dillon?”
“I think I want to talk to you about this. I love Dill... a lot. But I love you, too, and I think I need to tell you this. Okay?”
“Sure. It means a lot to me that you trust me. Whatcha got on your mind, buddy?” Soldier hoped he had what it took to be what this child needed right now.
“Do you know about me... I mean... about my mom and that she’s dead and she hurt me?” Gom was speaking softly and hesitantly.
“Yeah, I know a little.” Too much for his peace of mind.
“Well, I know you like me... and so does Dill. But, why didn’t she? Why did she burn me and hurt me and tell me she hated me?” Gom’s eyes were full again as he asked the painful question. “I tried to be good, but I was always so scared. What did I do wrong? I don’t want to mess up again. If I know what I did wrong, then...”
“Whoa, buddy. You don’t need to say anymore. Okay? I can tell you for sure that you did not do anything wrong...” Yep, Soldier's heart was going to break.
“But how do you know? You wasn’t there. She said I did, all the time. She burned me and burned me and told me I was bad and then she... she...”
“Honey, where did she burn you?” Soldier had seen marks on him, but he so hadn’t wanted to believe what he’d seen.
Gom gasped and then ducked his head and said in a sick little whisper, “Down there.”
Shit. No. No way. Soldier wanted to curse and yell and throw something and hold Gom and tell him life really didn’t suck. But how could he? For this kid, life sucked. All the boy had to do was go to sleep and life sucked over and over. Now he understood why Gom couldn’t... wouldn’t sleep. Why the little boy wet rather than go to the bathroom. Soldier wondered if Dillon knew about the burns. Surely Dillon knew, but Gom had said he hadn’t told Dillon this. Whew. Soldier had to come up with something before Gom thought there was something wrong.
“Gom.” Soldier was whispering, too, to let Gom know he understood that it was a secret. “There is a lot I don’t know and I don’t want to do or say anything wrong. Can I ask you a few things?”
“Yes.” Brave little boy.
“First, let me tell you again. Your mother was wrong. She was messed up, okay? Sometimes people are just messed up. I’m so sorry it was your mother and that she hurt you, but I need to know some things, some secret things.” Things Soldier didn’t really want to know. God help him, he didn’t want to mess this up.
“Now, can you tell me where she burned you? Are you scared to? Does it still hurt you?” Soldier didn’t know how recent this all was and whether it had anything to do with Gom's bathroom problems. Were the burns affecting him in some way other than psychologically?
“I’m not scared with you. You would never hurt me. ‘Sides, we already took a shower together. I saw your scars. You got big scars. I bet they hurt more than mine even. I got lots of little ones on my butt.” That was what he thought he’d seen that morning after the shower. Those little circles on Gom’s behind had to be from cigarette burns.
Jesus Christ, who could do that? Why? Soldier had to hold his response in. He put on just a concerned face and asked, quietly, “Is that the only place? Did she do anything else to you? You might as well tell me all of it, then maybe I can take some of it into my mind and give you a break.” Would that he could. “You won’t have to think about it as much, ‘cause now I’ll know and you can try to forget some of it.” Lord knew Soldier would take it all from Gom if he could, the pain, the scars, the memories, the fear... all of it. “Because, Gom, I promise you, I will not let anything like this ever happen to you again. I will make you believe that you’re a good boy and you did not do anything to deserve this mean ugly thing. So, is that all?”
Gom shook his head and tears fell again. “She burned me on, you know, that little bally thing, too. Down under there.” Gom’s head dropped nearly to his chest as he tried to hide what he seemed to think was ugliness in himself.
Soldier followed his instinct to reach out and hold this li
ttle boy and let him know that he was safe now. Soldier felt sure now that Gom’s bathroom fears were psychological, not physical. But he would have to make sure.
“Okay, little one, heads up. I’ve only got a couple more questions.” Once Gom was settled and had his head leaning on Soldier’s chest, Soldier asked, “Do those still hurt you... or is it just the memories that hurt?”
“Uh, it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I just get scared that I’ll do something wrong again...”
“Honey, honey. You’re not listening to me. You did not do anything wrong. There is nothing you could do that would make anyone hurt you like that again. You have to believe me.” Soldier was so frustrated that he couldn’t get the boy to understand that he was safe now. He wanted Gom’s fears to go away. God give him the ability to make this kid believe him.
“You were never a bad boy. She was a bad mother. She should never have touched you like that. No one should. Do you hear me? No one should ever touch you there when you are young.” He peered into Gom’s eyes to see if the boy was listening and taking in what he was saying. “When you grow up you can do anything you want, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. It’s not right to hurt another person, is it?”
“No. I would not hurt nobody.” Gom was so serious.
“I know you wouldn’t, sweetie, and no one here will ever hurt you. I don’t care if you do something bad. Sometimes little boys mess up and do things they shouldn’t or do things they don’t know is wrong.” Soldier put his big hands gently around Gom’s cheeks and told him, “No matter what you do, no one will hurt you. We’ll talk to you, and I can’t swear we won’t ever punish you, but I can promise it will never be by hurting you. We might take something away for a little while or something like that but never... ever will I allow anyone to hurt you again. Okay?” As God was his witness, Soldier would never let this child be physically abused again in any way.
“Yes. You, uh, won’t tell the others will you, about, you know...?”
“Well, let me ask you this. Can I tell just Dillon? I just had to know that it wasn’t something that was still hurting you. But Dill loves you and he needs to know about what happened to you. He won’t tell anyone either.” Soldier wanted Dillon to know about this, but he wanted this boy’s trust, too.
“He won’t be upset with me, will he?”
“Lord, no. He’ll be upset that you were hurt more than he even knew. But he won’t be upset with you. I can promise you that. You believe me?”
“I always believe you, Soldier. You don’t lie ever, right?”
“Right. So, in that case, you have to promise to try to believe that you did not do anything wrong. Your mother was a bad person, not you. You were a little boy who should have been loved, not hurt. Now... guess what?”
“What?” Gom’s eyes were big.
“Now you are a little boy who is loved, just like you’re supposed to be.”
“Wow.” It was the quietest “wow” Soldier had ever heard, but he thought it signified that Gom finally got it. Gom finally understood that he was not a bad boy, had never been a bad boy.
“Soldier?
“Yeah?”
“You can tell Dill. He loves me, and he thinks I’m a good boy, too, doesn’t he?”
“Yep.”
“We gonna go shower now? And I, uh, you know, need to take off the sheets on my bed.”
“We can do that. What are we making the others for breakfast today?” Soldier asked, trying to get things back to as normal as they could be without letting Gom know that his heart was absolutely breaking.
He didn’t care what anyone said. He put Gom into the shower again and laid clothes and a towel out for him. Soldier dried Gom’s hair, teasing quietly with him as Gom got dressed. He would not have Gom think there was something wrong with him. Soon, they had sheets washing and breakfast cooking.
He was teaching Gom how to make cinnamon toast when Dillon showed up. Gom looked from Soldier to Dillon and seemed afraid for a minute, like he thought maybe Soldier was going to blurt out all his secrets right then.
He winked at Gom and shook his head. Gom visibly relaxed. Soldier didn’t know if he was cut out for this or not. He wanted to go out and beat somebody up. 'Course, the one who needed it was dead and gone, so Soldier had to suck it up and try to make this little boy’s life better from now on. He wanted to be there for Gom. He had to make that happen. He would check into what needed to be done to make it so.
Everyone spent the morning going through all the clothes and getting everyone fixed up with their own sets. They were all amazed that they had nice outfits. None could figure out where they would wear them. Who knew? Some day, they might all go out to eat or something. You never knew. If it could happen, Soldier would make it happen. That would all be part of the talks with Daniel.
It was late that night before he and Dillon got a chance to talk. Soldier could tell that Dillon had known all day that he had something on his mind. Dillon hadn’t pushed. Now, they were sitting on the ground, leaning back on “their log,” and Soldier had his arm around Dillon, and again he found himself holding someone and allowing them time to just cry it out.
“I’ve heard so many bad things in the last months. So many ugly things have been done to these boys. My God, the things that beautiful boy has been through. I can’t believe he told you all that. It’s amazing that he feels that safe already with you. I’m so glad you’re here for him, for all of us. I just can’t believe he’s as whole as he is, considering.” Dillon shook his head, reaching up to wipe his eyes.
“I know, honey. I’ve wanted to put my fist through the wall several times today. I’ve never heard anything like that in my life. He’s lived in fear all this time that he was going to do something wrong and get hurt again.” Rage warred with compassion inside Soldier. “How could anyone do that to that great little boy? He’s so sweet and kind and he loves everybody.”
“I know, I know.” Dillon’s voice was hushed, sounding pained.
Soldier continued, his voice cracking occasionally, strong at times. “It’s just disgusting, makes me sick to think of her burning him like that over and over and how it must have hurt him so much.” He still shook inside with rage thinking of Gom’s pain and longstanding fear because of her. “How did he come out of that and be the wonderful boy he is? It’s just amazing. I swore to him that there was nothing he could do that would make us hurt him... ever. He has it ingrained in him that he’s a bad boy and is just waiting for the bad things to happen.”
“It’s not fair, Soldier.”
“I explained that all boys mess up sometimes and if he did, we may have to punish him, but it’d never be physical. We’d talk to him, take something away, etcetera, but no one will ever hurt him again.” Soldier knew the next part would get to Dillon, so he was ready with tightening arms. “He told me I could tell you ‘cause you love him and you think he’s a good boy, too. He just takes my breath away sometimes.” Soldier let Dillon soak up the love and compassion from the hug. “Damn. We have to do everything necessary to make sure we keep these boys safe. I want to take Gom to a doctor.” Soldier knew he had to and he knew it would be hard for Gom to go through it.
“You’re right. He’ll do okay if you take him.” Dillon said.
“Just to make sure he’s really all right. Make it all legitimate, since he told me. I think it needs to be reported.” Soldier knew that it was the right thing to do, but he’d have to be careful of Gom’s feelings. He wouldn’t have the boy hurt.
“We’ll set it up right away.” Dillon sounded businesslike now, but Soldier heard the tension in his voice.
“Let’s get busy and talk to Daniel and see about making this official. I want to know laws and find out if we can do this together. I’m not taking any chances. I’m calling my lawyers tomorrow and we’ll meet with them. They can come to the house. We’ll find out what’s needed and we’ll make it happen.” Soldier stopped and just held Dillon for a while as they thought about their
plans.
“How about the rest of the day? Weren’t the boys cute with their new clothes? Once we get it all figured out with Daniel, maybe we can have an outing with all of them. I’d love something positive for the boys.” Dillon’s smile at the thought of making the boys happy made Soldier’s heart turn over.
“I’ve really wondered about if they’re safe with us. Is there someone going to try to take them away?” Soldier asked, trying to stay on task.
“Not really. They were placed in the system, but something didn’t work out in these cases and they ended up in Daniel’s space. He knew what they needed and made it happen.” Dillon settled in more closely to Soldier before he continued. “They’re supposedly in foster care. We’re fudging a little, but soon it’ll be so. Then we should be safe to take them out.”