by C. L. Stacey
I’m in no position to be angry with her, but I just found out that she’s been lying to me for some time. I’m a bit fucking peeved. “Why the hell did you keep this from me?”
“Because I knew you’d be angry with me if you found out what I was doing. Look at you!” She gestures to me. “When I realized how much trouble this was causing our relationship, I stopped.”
Curious about what Ari had come across in her search, I ask, “Did you find anything?”
A look of both pain and pity crosses her eyes. “I came across her obituary online. Thea Daniels passed away last year from heart failure. Survived by her husband, Noah, and her two sons Dean and Christopher. I don’t know when, but she’d gotten herself cleaned up, married a nice man, had a son, and they obviously knew all about you.”
“After careful consideration, I Facebook-stalked Chris and got hold of an email address. I wrote out a brief explanation of who I was, and that I’d really like to speak to him about you, but I never got a reply back.”
I drag a hand through my hair. “It’s probably because he went twenty-plus years without knowing who the fuck I was, Ari… Why did you do this?”
My reaction doesn’t deter her, if anything she looks more determined. “After Thanksgiving dinner, you and I had a talk about the things we were grateful for, and then I told you how grateful I was for you coming back into our lives. I mentioned your level of loyalty to my family, how much you helped Aryn grow as a father. Do you remember what you said to me?”
Recalling that conversation clearly, I answer her question. “That all I wanted was to help him before it was too late for Ayli.”
“That didn’t sit right with me, Caleb. It’s never too late, never with family. So, I got to thinking, and I couldn’t shake the questions that I had. Thea left you with your aunt. She never dropped you off at a group home, Ryan did. What if she came to regret her decisions for giving you up? What if she’d gotten clean and wanted you back? What if Thea tried looking for you after you got adopted? What if she wanted to look you up but couldn’t because you’d changed your name?”
“Ari,” I stop her.
“When all that crap happened last week, I stopped talking to Aryn and made Chris my primary focus. I had nothing more to lose; I knew you were already pissed at me for walking out. I went back to Chris’s Facebook profile and pulled his number from it. I was fully determined to get him to talk to me, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.”
“I was surprised when connecting with him was simple, he answered on my first attempt, and I found out that the email listed on his profile is an old one, and the only one he ever checks any more is his school email.”
“Caleb, Chris was so excited to hear from me, he’s always wondered about the big brother he never had the chance to meet. Thea talked to him about you all the time.”
“I asked him to fly out to New York. I wanted to make sure of exactly who it was that I was bringing to you. He’s got the kindest personality, you have no idea how relieved I was, and he’s this bright med-student at Boston University. You’re going to love him. I just needed some time to figure all of this out before ambushing you with it. That’s where I’ve been this past week,” she finishes.
The story puts everything into perspective for me, answering so many questions I had that go way past just the week we’d lost. But it’s a lot to process in a few short minutes, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to officially meet this guy yet. I didn’t know he even existed until just now.
“It’s not too late for you to get to know your family, Caleb. You have a brother. You should at least try to get to know him.”
“Thank you… for going through all that trouble, Ari. But I just don’t know yet. This is a lot to take in…” I shake my head. “He may know all about me, but I know nothing of him.”
Understanding my reservations, Ari nods. “It’s your decision. No one’s going to force you into what you’re not ready for. Chris gets that.”
“Thank you.”
Ari nods again. “I have to talk to the cops.” She slides off the cot, and I reach out to help her, but she rejects me by pulling away. “This conversation was about reuniting you with your brother. I was mad earlier when I said that you didn’t deserve an explanation about him. That wasn’t fair to Chris, or you. You two deserve to get to know one another, should you choose to. But it’s too late for you and me, Caleb. I’m getting on the first flight back to New York. Please just do as I asked before and sign me to another agent in your company. I can’t see you anymore.”
Panic takes root in my chest, rapidly spreading. “Ari… please.” My heart is racing, fighting to find a way out of losing absolutely everything. “Don’t do this. I will never do anything to hurt you again, I swear…”
“Again…” she repeats. “The fact that you have to say that at all is what I can’t take. I never dreamt of you hurting me, Caleb. Not you. Never you.”
“Let me fix this, Ari.”
“I’ve already made up my mind.” She stands firmly by her decision. “I will never get past the fact that you two were together. It’s all I see when I look at you now. If the roles were reversed, you’d understand. You wouldn’t be able to look at me the same.”
A tear rolls down my cheek as I reach for her hand again. I hold on tight and I don’t let go. “Don’t do this, I’m begging you.”
Pain settles over her soft features, tears brimming her eyes when she looks up to meet mine. “They’re waiting for me. I have to go.” She pulls her hand from my grasp, tearing my heart right out with it.
Over the span of five weeks, I’ve met with Kellerman a total of ten times, recounting all my past moments with Ari. In those five weeks, I’ve kept my distance from her. It wasn’t easy, but I took Jackson’s advice and stayed away.
Initially, I sought Kellerman out for help with the issues I’d been having post-shooting. Then, I ran into Ari, and those nightmares didn’t seem so bad. In fact, they came to me less and less. Now, on the nights I’m lucky, I dream of the good days I shared with Ari. On the nights I’m not so lucky, I have nightmares of Ari with Brody.
“Why does the thought of Ms. Andrews with Mr. Spencer terrify you so? Besides the obvious reason, I mean,” Kellerman inquires, pulling me from my private thoughts, forcing me to face them. “Is he unkind to her in any way? Has he given you reason to believe that they aren’t a good match?”
As much as I’d love to answer yes to both questions, that’d be dishonest. From what little I’ve seen, Brody adores her. As Ari’s longtime friend, I should be thrilled. As her ex-lover, I want to squeeze his throat until his head pops off.
Once upon a time, I was the only man Ari had ever been with. It made me feel special, and for the first time in my life, I felt worthy.
The thought of them together sickens me.
Kellerman patiently waits for me to answer his question, and my mind wanders back to the night of my conversation with her at the club. “I asked her if she was happy, last we spoke. He doesn’t make her cry, she says.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Turning my fist on its side, I tap a steady rhythm against the armrest as I mull that question over. I sit quietly, watching my hand make contact with the leather.
How do I feel? I feel a lot of things. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel… betrayed somehow. But I don’t have a right to complain. She’s no longer mine. Now that I think of it, I don’t know if she ever was. It felt like she was. But what we had was a secret, a lie.
Kellerman’s already watching me when I pick my gaze back up. “He doesn’t make her cry, doc,” I repeat. “Which is more than I can say for myself.”
“What would you say was the main problem in your relationship?”
“We lied.”
“To her brother,” he asks for clarification.
I nod. “She also thinks that I lied to her about the extent of my feelings for her—which I never did. I wish she’d know that.”
“Well, how did you honestly feel?”
“Blissfully happy. Worriless. I thought I loved her. But…” I shake my head, abandoning the idea.
“Over a month’s worth of therapy, and that’s the first time you mentioned that word at all. Why do you doubt your ability to love, Mr. Carlisle?”
“I am incapable.”
“No one is incapable of love.”
“In order to give love, you need to know love,” I state fact. “I’ve never known love. I was too busy being an asshole during my adolescent years to receive it. No woman now could ever truly love me because they’re too blinded by what I am to see past the money, status or power. Then with Ari… She’s everything I never knew I wanted or needed. She’s more than I could have ever asked or wished for. She made me feel all the emotions; I could barely contain myself whenever we were together. I wanted to tell everyone, wanted them all to know, that she was mine. But I couldn’t, because we had to keep our ‘relationship’ a secret from her damn brother.”
Every single thing I’ve fought to bottle in breaks the surface, filling up faster than I can fight it. We’ve collectively made so many mistakes in the past, and exposing each one during these sessions has me suffering with the regret of it all.
I lean back, loosening the knot in my tie. “When Aryn somehow found out about us… I was honestly relieved.”
“Interesting. How so?”
“I was torn up that my friend had to find out the way that he did, but I was just happy that the secret was out. Inside, I thought, ‘Hey, he finally knows. I’ll let him kick my ass a little bit, and then we’ll find a way to work this out.’ But that is not at all how it went down. Things went south fast after that. She left with him, leaving me to self-destruct, like I normally do. That’s what I’m capable of, doc. I ruin things, for both myself and others. If I loved Ari, truly loved her, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did to us.”
“Have you told Ms. Andrews any of this?”
“What would be the point?”
Kellerman flips his pen over, lightly tapping the cap end against his pad. “Mr. Carlisle, you are a businessman.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Everything you’ve achieved, everything you’ve done to get yourself to where you’re at now, couldn’t have come easy. Would you agree?”
“Yes.”
“The good things in life don’t come easy. The things you’re forced to work, to sweat, to bleed for are what last forever, because you know its worth, its value. Women have come and gone from your life, but Ms. Andrews is the one you’re struggling to see go. You claim she is the only one to ever make a difference in your life. So, my question, Mr. Carlisle, is why you fail to see the point in trying.”
“I’ve been rejected enough times in this lifetime to know better, doc. Each of them hurt, yes, but none of it compared to how destroyed I was when she left.”
“Why are you so sure that she’d leave again after learning the truth?”
“Why would she stay?”
Rolling onto my side, I prop my head up against my hand to watch Brody check for something he may be forgetting.
“Don’t forget your chargers. You always forget to pack those,” I remind him.
His mouth pulls into a guilty but appreciative smile. “I knew I was forgetting something.” He walks over toward the outlet they’re still plugged into. “What would I do without you?”
“You’d be stranded without a phone or a laptop or a tablet,” I giggle when he blows raspberries against the side of my neck, his scruff tickling my skin.
He hangs over me with a smile, arms caging me in. “I’m going to miss you.”
I reach up, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth. “It’s only for a few days in Malibu. I’ll see you when you get back.”
“You’ll be waiting here for me when I do?”
I nod. “Where else would I be?”
Sighing discontentedly when reading the time on his watch, Brody pushes off the bed. “I have to go. You can stay here if you want, babe, I’m serious.”
I shake my head. “I do better in my own space. It’s okay.” I take the hand Brody holds out to help me off the bed.
After safely seeing me to my car, Brody waves goodbye as I pull out of the driveway.
The distance from Brody’s place to the condo I’m staying at in Santa Monica isn’t so bad. It’s the traffic that sucks. A fifteen-mile drive takes me forty minutes to make.
I frown when I see a huge black Escalade parked by the side of my small driveway. Then I utter a curse under my breath when I see Caleb standing by my front door.
Pulling my car into the garage, I let out a nervous sigh. What the hell does he want? He’s been quiet up until now. The last real conversation he and I had was a month ago at Jackson and Lexi’s party.
I step out of my car, purse in hand, and I exit the garage to meet him outside. “Hey, come here,” I call out to him.
Looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him, Caleb takes the steps down the front stoop, shoving his hands into his pockets before coming to stand in front of me. “Hey, Ari.”
“What are you doing here? And how do you know where I live?”
“Bethany.”
“Bethany,” I whisper, rubbing my forehead when I feel my temper flare up. “She had no right to do that.”
“No, no, she didn’t. I know you two are friends, so I went snooping when she went on her lunch break.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to talk to you.”
“You could’ve called.”
“Would you have answered?” he counters, and I stall. “Exactly.”
“What’d you need to talk to me about?”
Eyes mocking me as they scan our surroundings, he hints at an invitation. “The conversation I’d like to have requires a more formal setting, you know, with chairs, or whatever.”
“You’re asking to come inside? Really?”
“I mean, we could bring your couch out here, but I think that’d take a while,” he smarts.
Getting a glimpse of the Caleb I remember very well, I fail to suppress a chuckle. Shaking my head with a sigh, I give in to his request. “Follow me.”
Caleb follows me in through the garage, and I let him walk ahead of me when I press the button to let the door down. “This is a nice place.” He takes a look around.
“Want something to drink?” I drop my clutch on the island and walk over to the fridge.
“I’ll take a water, thanks.”
I pull two and hand him one. “Let’s sit outside.” I gesture toward the furnished deck out back, and Caleb nods.
When we settle in our cushioned chairs, my phone rings. “Shit, it’s my brother.” I don’t mean to say it out loud, but considering their last encounter, it just slipped.
“Take it. I’ll wait.”
I nod, rising from my seat when accepting the call. “Hello?”
“Auntie Ari,” my niece’s tiny voice calls to me.
My face brightens with my grin. “Hey, guppy, how are ya?”
“Good.”
Caleb’s hand closes over my wrist just as I pass him by. “It’s Ayli?” he whispers. I nod. “Can I talk to her?” I shake my head. Caleb stands from his chair, too. “I haven’t seen her in well over a year. Can you at least put her on speakerphone?”
Hesitating for a moment, I grant him this request. I remember how much he loved Ayli, and I just don’t have the heart to tell him no twice.
I walk toward the edge of the deck, and Caleb follows me, then I press the speakerphone button and set it down against the wooden post.
“I miss you, Auntie Ari.”
A sad smile touches Caleb’s lips at the sound of her voice.
“I miss you, too, honey. Did daddy pick a date yet?” I ask.
“He said eventilly.”
I chuckle. “Eventually?” I repeat back correctly.
“Uh-huh, that’s what I said.”
�
��All right, baby. Keep me updated, okay?”
“’Kay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Be good to Daddy,” I remind her.
“’Kay. Bye-bye.”
“Bye, sweetie.”
The call drops, and I pick my phone back up before heading back toward our seats.
“What did you mean by pick a date?” Caleb asks, reclaiming the seat across from mine.
Feeling uncomfortable discussing my brother with Caleb, I fidget, pushing my bracelets down my wrist. “Aryn plans to move out to California soon.”
“So he finally took Jackson’s job offer to work exclusively with Anderson Technologies?”
I nod. “It’s warmer and sunnier here, nice beaches… perfect place to raise a child. On top of that, he won’t have to travel nearly as much, if at all. Thank you for setting that up, by the way.”
Caleb passed Aryn’s name to Jackson a while ago, before their fallout, but my brother’s always been on the fence about accepting this job. He hates change. But Jackson presented him with a very generous offer, one impossible to turn down.
“Does this mean you’re staying, too?”
“I don’t know, Caleb. I haven’t decided yet.”
Deciding against pressing the matter any further, Caleb just nods.
“Anyways,” I change the subject. “What did you need to talk to me about?”
Caleb reaches to scratch the back of his head. “I’m seeing someone.”
My eyes cut straight to his. “You came to my home to tell me about your new girlfriend?” I try masking any trace of jealousy from my tone, but I see that I’ve failed when the corner of Caleb’s mouth curls into a smirk.
“Therapist, Ari. I’m seeing a therapist.”
I arch a brow. “A therapist? What for?”
“Originally? It was about me trying to deal with what happened that night at Jackson’s. Then, we got to talking about you.”
“Me? What about me?”
“Everything.” He holds my gaze for a moment too long. I break first and look away. “We’ve established that I’m having trouble moving on from that part of my life because I’ve been refusing to let go. But you’re with Brody now, so…” His brows draw inward, like he’s struggling to get out whatever it is he came here to say. “I came here to apologize to you, Ari. I know that I’ve already tried explaining myself last year, but you were so angry with me then, and I was saying all the wrong things. I think you’re in a better place in your life now, where you can really listen to what I have to say.”