by Unknown
“It’s only been a month since we broke up. I am growing impatient with Ty too, but he just needs more time.”
“If you hadn’t caught Ty cheating on you, do you think you would’ve broken up with him anyway?” Gabe asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. I had convinced myself that I was going to have sex with him the night of homecoming, but deep down I knew that I was going to back out. Whenever I refused to have sex with him there would have been a huge fight. You remember we fought over sex a lot. He always pushed me when I just wasn’t ready. I think we probably would’ve broken up that night anyway, or soon after. I always knew that I liked you more than a friend, more than I ever liked Ty. It isn’t good to have feelings for your boyfriend’s best friend.”
“I always returned those feelings. I’d like to say it was love at first sight, because I thought it was, but the truth is I fell in love with you on Halloween. When you came to my house you were a mess… A beautiful mess… But you went to my room and stayed in there forever. When I came to check on you I saw you sleeping there. Not to sound creepy or anything, but I watched you sleep for about five minutes before I woke you up,” he says. “I wanted to confess my love for you right then, but I couldn’t that do that to Ty again. But I so wanted to.”
I frown, thinking about that night. That night sucked so bad. I basically spent the whole night crying in Gabriel’s room. “That was the first night I ever fought with Ty. For the few months we had a good relationship, but you were always in the back of my mind. Ever since the beach party on Labor Day Weekend. I was so mad at you for getting in my head.”
That makes Gabe smile.
“Even though you said you weren’t going to push, you did. The night of me and Ty’s three month anniversary, you texted me to tell me you picked out the restaurant because you knew it was my favorite. Before that I was thinking how sweet it was of Ty to notice, but all along it was you.”
“I paid an unhealthy amount of attention to you,” he admits.
“That night, Ty told me he loved me. When I said it back, I was thinking of you. In my head I was going over the list of reasons why I should tell him that I love him too, and I remember thinking that if anybody is worth loving, it’s you,” I tell Gabe. “I felt so guilty at the time, but now I know that it was always supposed to be you. I wish I never would have dated Ty.”
“Don’t think that,” Gabe says. “Your past is what makes you who you are.”
“Ty was my first boyfriend.”
“Ever?”
I nod.
“Wow. I don’t know how many girls I dated before you, but it was a lot,” he says. “Well, not really dated. I mostly just had sex with them.”
“When we first started dating, I was worried that you would think of me like all those other girls you were with.” I bit my lip as I admit it. “I thought you would dump me, but I also thought that it would be worth it to be with you, even for a short amount of time.”
“And then I did dump you, kind of.”
“Yeah,” I say. “You sort of broke my heart.”
“I was a freaking idiot, and I can’t say I’m sorry enough,” he says. “I don’t know why I freaked out. I guess part of me didn’t think I deserved to be happy after what happened to Lily because of me. I wasn’t in love with her, but I messed with her head. Because of me she’s dead… because I was stupid. It’s a miracle that I’m alive, and I honestly don’t think I deserve it most days.”
“I forgive you,” I tell him. “I’m glad that we have worked it out.”
Gabe smiles. “You and I are a forever kind of thing.”
I nod my head, but the thought of forever terrifies me.
Forever is a long time.
8pm
Give Ty a second chance??
After dinner, Victoria and I hang out for a little while in my room. I have my computer out, and Ty is messaging me on Staying Connected. Victoria is painting her toe nails and emailing her parents.
Ty Newman: I miss you.
I roll my eyes.
“This boy doesn’t know when to quit,” I tell Victoria.
She leans over and reads what he wrote. “I personally think it’s sweet. I feel so bad for him. I can’t believe you’re not giving him another chance. You just jumped into a relationship with Gabe without really trying. He needs closure.”
“His having sex with Jacqueline wasn’t closure enough?” I can’t keep the annoyance out of my voice. Why is Victoria taking his side?
Me: Is it going to be like this every time I talk to you? Can we not have a normal conversation?
Ty Newman: It will only be like this until you admit that you’re madly in love with me, and give me a second chance.
Victoria reads the words and lets out a girly sigh. “Aw, he’s so sweet.”
“If you think he’s so sweet then why don’t you date him,” I say.
She crinkles her nose. “Ty Newman? No way. He’s not my type. Besides, I am kind of crushing on your stepbrother.”
“Gross,” I say, joking.
“I’m serious. I think that you should give him another chance. I don’t see how you can ever be happy with Gabe until you get that closure with Ty.”
“Why are you saying this?” I ask her. “You know how happy I am with Gabe. It’s always been Gabe, even when I was with Ty. Why would I go back with somebody who cheated on me? Somebody I’m not in love with.”
“It’s just… not fair to Ty.” She doesn’t make eye contact with me as she says it.
“What’s going on with you?”
She sighs and then looks up at me. “I cheated on somebody. Last year I was dating this guy named Matthew. We were the perfect couple — a true storybook romance. He is the captain of the lacrosse team, and I am the captain of the cheerleading squad. I was in love with him, but then one night when I was really drunk, I cheated on him with his best friend, Derek. Matthew walked in on us the next morning, and to be honest, I don’t remember the night at all. I don’t remember having sex with Derek, but we did. Matthew broke up with me, and immediately started dating this other girl, Sarah. They are still together, and it still hurts when I see them together in the hallway at school.”
Victoria wants me to give Ty a second chance because she never got a second chance. I get it now, but it still doesn’t change anything.
“Ty wasn’t drunk. He was completely aware of what he was doing, and I now know that it’s just the kind of guy Ty is. He’s chasing me and sleeping with other girls. If I dated him, he’d be sleeping with me and a lot of other girls. But either way, my feelings for Ty are… complicated, and they could never compare to how I feel about Gabriel. So even if I wanted to give Ty a second chance, I couldn’t. I am content with Gabe.”
Her face drops a little at my words. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just know how it feels to be Ty, and it sucks bad. It’s been a year and I still miss Matthew.”
“But you have Toby now.”
She smiles. “I do. And I like Toby a lot. I’m excited to see where our relationship goes.”
“You mean besides the bedroom?”
She slaps my arm gently as her face turns red. “Shut up. You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“Toby is like really good in bed.”
I fake gag. “I do not want to hear how good my stepbrother is in bed.”
“I’m serious. Most guys don’t take care of me first, especially guys our age. It’s all about them,” she says.
“Guys our age?” I ask, wondering what older guy she has been with.
“Last summer, when I was mourning the loss of Matthew, I slept with an older guy. I don’t want you to think bad of me, but it was my older sister’s fiancé. They’re married now and our relationship has stopped, but we had sex basically every day during my summer break. It was the best sex ever,” she says. “It was so stupid, I know. My sister would be devastated if she ever found out.”
Her words shock me.
“So are you and Toby officially together?” I ask her.
She shakes her head. “No. We talked about it and decided that maybe we’d be better as friends with benefits. We like each other, but neither of us want to be in a relationship. I still want to sleep with other guys, and he wants to sleep with other girls.”
“Whatever works for you,” I say, but in my head I’m thinking that somebody is going to get hurt. It’s obvious that they both have feelings for each other, and I just can’t foresee this ending well.
My Staying Connected goes off with another message.
Ty Newman: Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you away. I’ll take whatever you can offer me right now, even if it is just friendship.
Me: :)
I type a quick goodbye and shut my computer. Victoria heads to Toby’s room to hang out.
I can’t help but think that Victoria isn’t the girl that I thought she was.
9pm
Stop looking for me.
Gabe comes back to my room, looking a little frustrated.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him.
He sighs. “Toby and I were looking more into the whole stalker situation, and we came up empty. I swear this just keeps getting more and more frustrating.”
“On the bright side, I didn’t get any notes today,” I tell him optimistically.
With that, Gabe looks away.
“What?” I ask.
He reaches in his pocket a pulls out a folded up piece of paper. I take the paper and slowly unfold it, scared to see what it is this time.
Gabriel Johnson — Stop looking for me, or Kihanna will suffer. This is your only warning.
I sit back onto my bed. Gabe takes a seat beside me.
“So now we have no leads and no way to look,” I say. “What should I do now?”
“You mean what should we do.”
“No. You read this letter. If you do anything else, it’s only going to get worse for me. And as much as I want to tell you to keep looking, I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I am so tired of this, and I just don’t know how much more I can take before I just completely break,” I say.
Gabe grabs both of my hands with his. “Hey, you know I’m here for you. Through all of this. You are not alone.”
“I know,” I say. “But it still feels like I am. The stalker doesn’t want you or Toby. They want me. And no matter how much you’re here for me, it doesn’t change the fact that I am alone.”
“I hate this. I’m your boyfriend. I should be able to protect you from everybody,” he says angrily. “How am I supposed to fight against somebody when I have no clue who they are?”
It’s then that I realize I’ve been putting too much of my burden on Gabe. It’s mine alone to carry. It’s not fair to him.
“You’re not,” I say. “It’s my fight.”
“No. I am not leaving you to handle this alone, Kihanna. I can’t.”
“Maybe we should break up until this is all over. Then I wouldn’t have to burden you with all this crap. And you would be safer.”
“You’ve already tried that, and it didn’t help,” Gabe says. “Besides, I’m not letting you break up with me. You are stuck with me whether you want me or not. Forever.”
“There goes that forever talk again.”
“Is forever too long to be with me?” he asks.
I shake my head. I am not sure what to say. In my heart, I can feel myself pulling away from him.
Gabe smiles, and puts his arm around me. He rolls me down onto the bed, and then climbs on top of me. He kisses hard.
When he kisses me, I can forget about all the bad stuff going on in my life. For a few moments I can lose myself. And that is exactly what I need. My life is completely crappy right now, but I have so much good stuff going on. I have Gabriel. I have the best family in the world. And I have a new brother or sister on the way, which is pretty much the best thing ever. It’s times like this when I know I can make it through all the bad crap. If not for me, for them.
Monday, December 20
6am
You won’t be leaving.
Tomorrow we will be in Hawaii, and I can’t wait. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed the cruise, but knowing that my stalker is on board makes me feel claustrophobic.
Today, Dad says he’s going to spend the day with Toby and me, which automatically means Gabe will be there because he’s always with me. And of course Victoria, because what else is she going to do? So then Jack decides it would be fun too… Libby is going to be sitting with Veronica while the rest of us have fun. I feel slightly bad for Veronica, but even when she’s puking she’s extremely happy.
I read somewhere that if you have morning sickness it means that you’re having a healthy pregnancy, which means Veronica must be having a really healthy pregnancy.
“Isn’t it gross to think about your dad and my mom having sex?” Toby asks as we walk to get breakfast. I’m suddenly not hungry anymore.
“Ew.” I shutter at the mental image. “Toby, you’re so disgusting.”
“Thanks,” he says.
“Can you imagine what your sibling will be like?” Gabe asks. “Serious, half like Kihanna, half like Toby.”
Toby laughs. “Kihanna’s good looks and my charm. It’s the perfect combination.”
“I can just imagine the things you will teach them,” Victoria says. “That poor child.”
“It’s going to be a boy,” he says. “So I will just teach him how to smooth talk the ladies.”
“Who is going to teach you how to?” I ask Toby and try hard not to laugh.
Gabe starts laughing, but Toby just glares at me.
“Very funny, Kihanna. I will remember this. And I will get back at you.”
Toby’s threat doesn’t scare me.
We walk into the dining hall. Jack and Dad are already there, of course. We are a little late, but we’re on vacation. How can they expect us to get up so early? I don’t even get up this early for school… Which explains the way I look today. My hair is in a messy bun, I’m wearing no makeup, and I just threw on my bikini with a sundress over it. I’m pretty sure my flip flops don’t match, but what does it matter? Gabriel doesn’t notice those kinds of things, and Veronica is too sick to score my outfit.
Part of me wishes I would have packed a pair of denim shorts and a tank top. Sure, dresses are cute, but they’re exhausting when you wear them every single day.
“You’re late,” Jack says, looking at the time on his smart phone.
Gabe takes a seat beside him, and I sit on the other side.
“You’re lucky we’re even here,” I tell him. “The only thing I want to see right now is the inside of my eyelids.”
“Come on!” Jack says. “We are on a cruise, and we are only a day away from Hawaii. Don’t you want the full experience of this trip? I doubt any of you have even got up in time to watch the sun rise. It’s absolutely breath-taking.”
“We saw the sun set,” Gabe says.
Jack rolls his eyes. “Teenagers.”
“I’m pretty sure sleep is good no matter what age you are,” Toby says, then turns to Dad. “So what are we doing today exactly?”
“Whatever you want to do is cool with me,” he says. My dad is pretty much the coolest dad ever. He’s so laid back and chill. Jack just seems to tense — not that he’s a bad dad or anything, he’s just not as awesome as my dad.
“I’m thinking the pool,” Toby says. “I haven’t even gone on the waterslide yet.”
“Pool it is,” Dad says.
Just then, our food comes. When the waiter hands me my food, he also discreetly slips me a note. My heart thumps hard against my chest, and I put the note under the table. Toby sees what I’m doing and distracts Dad.
&nb
sp; I open the note and read it.
I wonder how many petals are left on those roses I gave you… Your days are very limited. I hope you enjoy Hawaii, because you won’t be leaving.
I try not to gasp at the words.
Everything the stalker has said so far has been true. Threats aren’t threats — they’re promises. I have no doubts in my mind that I won’t be making it back from Hawaii. This trip is the grand finale.
Gabe takes the note from me and puts it in his pocket. He then grabs my hand and gently caresses it. His touch is reassuring, but not even he can distract me from thinking. My thoughts are screaming at me — RUN! Too bad I have nowhere to run. I’m stuck on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, and tomorrow I will be on an island. I will be stranded in paradise, ultimately waiting for death.
I feel Gabe’s lips touch my ear. He whispers, “You are going to be okay. I promised you that I would keep you safe and I will. I love you, Kihanna Evers. Forever.”
I look at him and try to force a smile, but I can’t. I am completely numb — the fear pulsing through me has made me immobile. I know that I have to get it together. I can’t let my dad see me like this. Toby can’t distract him that much longer. Sooner or later he will look over at me and he will know something is wrong. I can’t let him know. I have to keep him, Veronica, and the baby safe. I can’t lose anymore parents.
Finally, I take a deep breath and force myself to start eating. I am not hungry. I haven’t had an appetite in quite a few weeks, but I just chew and swallow until I can’t anymore. Even then, over half of my food is left on my plate.