Really, he didn’t know how deep his own guilt would go. With Katy barely hanging on, he could pretend somehow that she was just going to wake up and forgive them both. With each hour that she remained feverish and out though, it looked unlikely. Watching Kevin’s gentle ministrations on her body, he began to accept it was unlikely she would ever wake up.
“She’s out again,” Kevin stated, pulling back from the bed. “I guess we just have to keep watching. I’ll take the next shift so you can sleep Annalise. It won’t do to have two sick girls on our hands.”
Annalise nodded and moved away from the doorway to her bedroom across the hall. Cort seriously doubted she’d sleep even being locked in the room by herself. Her guilt would keep her awake for hours, and she’d replay the situation in her head a million times over wishing there could be another outcome. Jenna and Jake scooted past Cort moving back to the living room where they had been putting together a 1000 piece puzzle. He guessed that people dealt with their grief in different ways but the puzzle seemed like an odd way to pass the time while the life of someone they had been living with hung in the balance.
Kevin took a seat next to the bed after they exited, motioning for Cort to step out of the doorway and into the room. Cort did so, closing the door behind him. Kevin spoke in hushed tones. “Annalise told me.”
He had figured that Annalise would be the one to break first. She could never keep a secret and had always worn her heart on her sleeve. It was one of the things that he often found charming about her, but in situations like this made him want to strangle her pretty little neck. He didn’t respond and waited for Kevin to continue.
“I don’t know what you were thinking bringing them both out here Cort,” he said shaking his head. “But I know that it doesn’t look good for Katy, and if you don’t do something about Annalise right now, your future with her doesn’t look good either.”
Cort sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, a look of resignation on his face. “I know this Kev, but what I don’t know is how to fix it.”
Kevin nodded sympathetically. That was one thing Cort always respected about Kevin; he never judged him, even when there were monumental fuck ups in his life like the current situation. “I can’t tell you how to fix it either.”
Cort nodded, and opened the door to the room. He couldn’t talk about this with Kevin anymore. As understanding as Kevin was, he would never understand this situation. Hell, Cort couldn’t wrap his head around it either. On one hand there was Katy, the person he didn’t want with him who had come because she had no other choice. There was Annalise, the person he wanted by his side who had come without questioning. He could have handled it better, he could have gone back to Katy’s room that night but the end result would have been the same. He would have eventually had to tell her that it was Annalise his heart belonged to, and she would have still gotten upset. Maybe he could have waited it out until spring - but who’s to say that she wouldn’t have fallen and hit her head? Anyway he looked at it, having both of them here had been a bad decision. In every scenario he played in his head having both of them here ended in tragedy.
He sincerely hoped that Katy would survive, but he was realistic enough to know that any situation where he didn’t get to keep Annalise by his side was one that he didn’t want. It might be selfish, but he had already lost so much he couldn’t stand losing her. That’s why he had gone to her room that night, and that’s why he had stayed. She was the one that he wanted beside him until the end of this damn thing, and cynical part of his mind that he wasn’t proud of acknowledged that Katy might have to be sacrificed to make that happen.
He stood outside Annalise’s door and knocked softly, hoping Jenna and Jake wouldn’t hear before he entered the room. Annalise was curled in a ball in the corner of the bed, her long red hair shielding her face from view. The way her sides rose and fell told him she was crying, and moved to the bed to take a seat next to her, resting his hand on her waist, moving his thumb in circles.
“We should have tried to take her to the hospital,” Annalise said, wiping her eyes.
“We don’t even know that there is a hospital out there that is staffed and we’re almost out of gas in the cars,” he stated matter of factly. Facts would get them through all this, because facts never lie.
She moved her face to the left, looking up at him. “I know why we didn’t Cort, I’m just saying, we should have.”
Cort couldn’t find a way to argue with her logic. Instead, he tried to change the subject. “It’s Christmas,” he said pulling a small smoothed rock out of his pocket. He had found it on one of their scouting missions and had picked it up without knowing why at the time. “I know it’s not much…”
Annalise took it her hand and rolled it around. “A rock?”
“It’s the best I could do,” he began and was interrupted when she jumped off the bed and began searching through her bags. She probably brought something for him. She was the kind of person that would have thought that far ahead. Instead, she pulled out a thin black necklace with some silver attached to it. He stared in awe. She had kept it, even after the fights and the time alone, she had kept it.
He had bought the necklace for her at a little rock and shell shop off the Virginia Beach boardwalk. It was meant to hold something in it, but they had never gotten around to going through the bag of rocks he had bought for himself to put one in there. Gingerly, she put the smooth rock in the silver and put it around her neck. “It’s perfect,” she said, coming to sit next to him. “Thank you.”
“You kept it,” he said, running his finger across the thin silver lines that now held the rock he had given her.
She just smiled and clasped his hand in hers. They sat there, looking at each other for a minute before she spoke. “I guess I could just never really give up on us.”
Cort pushed her backward on the bed, climbing on top of her. That was the interesting thing about seeing someone else fight for their life - seeing death, or near death that up close and personal made him want to experience life. Everything seemed to be so much more precious and he was more acutely aware of the miracle that they had survived. He had already wasted so much time over things that didn’t matter, especially when it came to Annalise. He didn’t want to take her love for granted anymore and he wanted to spend every minute of every day showing her how much he cared. He could start here, with the physical and learn how to show her later in every way she wanted.
Chapter 25: Jake
Deep Creek Lake, Western Maryland
December 25, 2012
If anyone had told Jake a month ago on Christmas he’d be sitting in a room, in a house that wasn’t his, watching his best friends fuck buddy slowly slip away, he would have laughed at them and told them they were crazy. Yet here he was, in a house that wasn’t his, watching Katy’s breathing slow down. He supposed that he should get someone else in the house to be here with him, probably Cort, in Katy’s final minutes but he didn’t see the point. Cort obviously didn’t give a shit about Katy. Sure, he had rescued her from the water that morning but Jake knew it was probably Cort’s fault that she was in there.
Cort and Jake had been friends and roommates since college. There was a kind of comfortableness that came from knowing and living with someone for so long but he was at his wits end with Cort’s behavior since he heard that Cort had invited Annalise. What had he been thinking inviting her? Anywhere Annalise went there was bound to be trouble. Maybe Cort thought he didn’t remember the months after their break up when Cort had locked himself in his room besides the nights he went out and drank so much that he forgot his own name.
Now, Cort had dragged Katy into the web of bullshit that was his and Annalise’s story. Fragile, beautiful Katy, who was going to die because of Cort’s carelessness. There was no getting around it, it had been two days and she’d barely come to. They didn’t have the medical resources to keep her alive, to help her get better. There was no way to get her to medical professionals and
there was no way of knowing if there were medical professionals to take her to. She was as good as dead, and it was just a matter of time.
Jake moved closer to Katy’s side and felt her forehead. The fever continued to rage in her body despite the fact that her breathing was so shallow her chest was barely rising. It was inhumane, he thought, to just let her die like this. Everyone else had a kind of hope that she might magically make it out of the woods but without any medicine to help her, it was unlikely, if not impossible.
Jake lifted her head from the pillow it was resting on, feeling it drenched in sweat. Looking down at Katy he smoothed some of the hair which was plastered to her face. “I’m sorry about everything Katy,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t help you more.”
He waited for the response he knew wasn’t coming. If Katy could just move, somehow bat her eyelashes at him, move her fingers, anything, it might give him pause and stop him. Instead, her breath slowed even more and she seemed to lose whatever color she had left in her face. He closed his eyes and clenched the pillow in his hands. He had never killed anyone before although he supposed this wasn’t actually murder. This was the humane thing to do because Katy wasn’t going to make it through.
Slowly, he moved the pillow over her face and pressed down. She didn’t trash like people did in movies. She didn’t push him off or scream out in horror. She just continued to lay there. It was almost like he was pressing a pillow on a doll. His arms buckled and he felt a tear escape his eye. He would have rather the action woke her up. He would have rather she stood up and punched him. Instead, the pillow just stopped her breathing.
He didn’t know how long he stood there like that but when he finally raised the pillow from her face there wasn’t any vomit under it. On TV shows they always said that people who were smothered vomited on whatever was used to smother them. He supposed that was a good sign somehow, that her body was so weak she couldn’t even produce the symptoms normally associated with a death in that manner.
He put the pillow back behind her head and smoothed out her hair one more time. Leaning his head back he let the moment sink into his soul. Katy was dead, Cort and Annalise were together, and everyone was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no idea what was happening in the rest of the world. Opening his eyes he looked at Katy’s porcelain skin. They should at least bury her, not because he was trying to hide what he had done but because she deserved that after everything that had happened out here. She deserved that one last shred of dignity.
Jake stood up and walked to the living room where Jenna, Kevin, Cort and Annalise sat in silence. He had to give it to Annalise, she let the guilt show in every inch of her body. There was no doubt to anyone there that Annalise felt like she was the responsible party in Katy’s death. Cort was better at hiding things but Jake had known him for so long that he deconstructed the carefully built walls around his emotions in an instant and could tell that Cort too, felt like the responsible party. The truth of the matter was, they all were. Cort and Annalise’s actions might have been the provocation to the actual incident, but the silence of Jenna, Kevin and himself while Annalise and Cort figured out their roles together was just as bad.
“She’s gone,” he said finally.
For a moment, no one in the room did so much as breathe. The air hung heavily as they all contemplated their roles in the mess they found themselves in. Annalise was the first to move, jumping up from couch and rushing past Jake to the bedroom Katy laid in. He turned on his heel following her and when he reached the room he saw her doing chest compressions and breathing into her mouth. Jake leaned against the door and felt Cort shove his way by trying to reach Annalise. He grabbed her shoulders to try and pull her off Katy and Annalise shook him off with what seemed like superhuman strength slamming Cort against the wall.
“Goddamit Katy, don’t do this,” she said continuing her chest compressions. Tears started streaming down her face and her body was starting to be wracked by sobs. Cort had gotten up off the floor and slowly moved towards her, putting a hand gently on her shoulder. Jake couldn’t help but be disgusted by the hypocrisy of it all. Katy was dead, and Cort was there to comfort Annalise in her guilt. If Cort had been there for Katy at all, they wouldn’t be in this situation. If he hadn’t texted Annalise that morning, Katy would still be alive. If he hadn’t brought them out here, who knows what they could be doing.
Finally, Annalise gave up on her efforts seemingly coming to the realization that Katy was not going to wake and slumped to the floor. Cort knelt down next to her, putting his arms around her shoulders and looked up to where Jake and Kevin stood. For the first time since they had arrived here, Jake realized Cort didn’t have a plan. His eyes searched Jakes pleading for a solution to everything.
“What do we do now?” Kevin said softly pulling Jenna closer to him.
“We give her a proper burial,” Jake responded, pushing off from the door frame. “I know I saw a shovel somewhere.”
Cort just nodded, his eyes darting between Annalise who was still sobbing on the floor and Katy’s lifeless body on the bed. He looked like he was broken and unsure of what the next move would be. Leaving the room, Jake couldn’t help but think Cort deserved all the pain and guilt that was coming his way. While they all had a part of what had happened, be it by silence and willingness to keep her in the dark or the more active role that Annalise played in whatever transpired that morning, the majority of the blame rested on Cort’s shoulders.
Cort may be his best friend, but as he watched Cort be so helpless to the situation around him, he wasn’t sure at this point in the game he wanted to follow him anymore. They would bury Katy and then he would talk to Cort, and tell him that it was time he broke off on his own.
Chapter 26: Annalise
Deep Creek Lake, Western Maryland
December 26, 2012
Snow had always been the most beautiful thing in the world. It was the great white equalizer. When Annalise was a child she had often hoped to wake up and see her neighborhood blanketed in a cover of snow. Everything looked the same when it was covered in a foot of snow, all the differences in the neighborhood and between the people within disappeared. This morning though, nothing looked the same in her world.
Everyone had gathered outside in a clearing in the woods to bury Katy. Cort, Jake and Kevin had taken turns all last night digging a hole approximately six feet deep in the clearing that was apparently Katy’s favorite place. Annalise imagined it couldn’t have been an easy task given how frozen the ground was beneath her feet. Jenna and Annalise had stayed in the house pretending to sleep. At least, Annalise had been pretending to sleep… and a look at the dark circles under Jenna’s eye’s as she stood across from her, Annalise was sure she hadn’t fared much better.
For Annalise, there had been something unsettling about sleeping in the house where Katy’s dead body was only a couple of rooms away. Anytime she had felt herself drift off to sleep, the house had creaked or the wind had rustled and Annalise had imagined that Katy was awake - or worse, dead and haunting her. The guilt that had settled in the pit of her stomach forming a hard knot that wouldn’t release her also deprived her of any actual rest. In addition, any time she had heard the door open, she had prayed fervently to whatever God was listening that it was Cort and he was coming to see her. Her door never opened and she found herself alone with her thoughts of guilt and betrayal all night. Even now, Cort stood across from her, unable to meet her gaze.
“Someone should say something,” Jenna said breaking the silence.
At first, none of them moved forward to speak. What could any of them say? None of them had known Katy particularly well and in that moment Annalise realized how horrible Katy must have felt. All the loneliness that Annalise had felt out here surrounded by Cort’s friends Katy must have felt too. After all, Katy had been nothing more than Cort’s fuck buddy prior to this whole mess. At least Annalise had previously known Kevin and Jenna, and had a sort of tepid friendship with Jake
. Suddenly, she felt her self loathing rise to a whole new level. How could she have been so stupid? Katy was probably the one in the whole damn group that actually knew exactly what she felt. Katy had probably been just as lonely and isolated out here as she had been. If she hadn’t been so selfish and wrapped up in her jealousy that Katy was the one with Cort, she might have been able to see that.
In the silence she let her thoughts wander. Did Katy have a best friend like Meredith who had also escaped and was wondering where Katy was? Did she have a family that was safe somewhere going to bed dreaming of the day that Katy walked through the door proclaiming to them, “I’m alright!” Scanning the group she saw the looks on everyone’s faces. It seemed they were all lost in their own thoughts, trying to find something to say about the girl they barely knew at all. Shaking her head at her own mistake, she finally spoke.
“I didn’t know Katy very well,” she began, gathering courage. “But I imagine that somewhere out there, someone is missing her. Someone is wondering if she’s alive or dead, and someone is wishing they had her with them. I am so sorry Katy, that we never got you back to that someone. I’m sorry we failed you.”
Annalise reached over the mound of dirt which was piled high and grabbed a handful. Tossing it over Katy’s body in the hole, she whispered so no one else could hear, “I’m so sorry.” Turning, she walked back to where she had started, and scanned the group to see who would be the next to speak.
Abandon Page 13