by Sarah Hegger
Kathryn clung to her mother, praying she could keep her alive and well at Anglesea.
“You have been worrying about me.” Mother tilted her chin up. “All this time married and safe at Anglesea, and you have been fretting over me?”
“Aye.” Kathryn nodded, not trusting her voice.
“And now you feel betrayed that I did not leap for joy at your rescue.”
Kathryn’s cheeks burned, because deep within, her mother’s reaction smarted.
“Silly girl.” Mother held her shoulders. “You were always thus, worrying about Matty and me.”
A slight bruise marred her mother’s cheek. Kathryn touched her fingertip to the place. “He hit you?”
“Only the once.” Mother shrugged. “His pursuit of newer fields keeps him busy.”
Kathryn did not know how her mother had stood it all these years. Now married, her father’s treatment angered Kathryn even more. Now that she understood how a good man treated his wife. “How did you bear it?”
“Did I have a choice?” Mother returned to the casement. “I chose your father, you know.”
“You did?” Kathryn found that impossible to believe. “I thought your father married you against your will.”
“Nay.” Mother sat and folded her hands on her lap. “My father let me choose from three or four suitors. Your father was my choice.”
“Why?”
Mother shrugged. “He was not always as he is now. He came courting and said and did all the right things.” She sighed. “I heard the stories about his broken heart because his true love died. I believed I could be the one to heal him. I let my silly girl’s heart make a bad choice.” She cocked her head and smiled at Kathryn. “You chose much better for yourself.”
“Aye, I did.” If the old Roger remained buried beneath the stranger she had glimpsed in the armory.
Mother frowned. “Speaking of poor choices. I understand Matty has come running to you.”
“Ah.” Kathryn picked at the patterned thread on the bed cover as she tried to find a way to break the bad news to her mother.
“She tells me she married a farmer.”
“Aye.” Kathryn nodded. “She says he beats her.”
“She would.” Mother snorted.
She must have misheard. Kathryn stared at her mother, waiting for a clue.
“Kathryn.” Mother glanced out the casement and back again. “What is the one thing she could say that would bring you armed and bustling to her defense?”
Well, there was that. “I am not sure she speaks the truth.”
Mother stood and twitched her skirts. “You always did view Matty as you wanted her to be.”
A few short weeks ago she might have scoffed at that, but Kathryn’s faith in her judgment and Matty wavered. “She is changed.”
“Nay.” Mother shook her head. “It is not Matty who has changed, but you. You no longer see her with the same eyes.”
“Perhaps.”
Mother sat beside her, and took her hands. “This is your place now, Kathryn. Not Matty’s and not mine.”
“I just wanted to keep you safe.” The words tore out of a deep place, so long hidden, that she ached as they came out.
“That was never your task.” Mother smoothed Kathryn’s hair back. “You always were such a fierce little thing. I believe I made the mistake of leaning too hard upon your strength.”
“Nay.” All that she had, she had given freely.
“This time apart has helped me see this more clearly.” Mother placed an arm about her shoulder. “I have used your strength and not my own. That stops now, sweeting. You have a wonderful husband, a new family who loves you, all the things you deserve. I am not your responsibility. I never was.”
A void opened within Kathryn, the place always filled with her love for Matty and Mother, her fierce desire to keep them safe. If she could not be that person anymore, then who was she? “You cannot mean to return to him.”
“But I do.”
Kathryn jerked in rejection of the idea
Mother tightened her hold. “I made my place at Mandeville. I have chosen my path, and made my vows before God. I will not break them.”
Kathryn felt as if she stood on the edge of a cliff, and stared into a wide nothingness beyond. All her waking thoughts, all her plans and her determination, and now it came to naught. She could not accept this. “You will return to that monster?”
“I will return to my husband,” Mother said. “And you will remain here with yours.”
“Why?”
Mother sighed and rose. “I do not have much of the girl I was anymore, sweeting. I have my honor, still, and my pride, and I will not allow your father or you to take those from me.”
Chapter 32
Roger ached to take her in his arms and comfort his wife.
Kathryn had entered the chamber like a whipped dog, devoid of her usual fight and spirit.
“You have been to see your mother?”
“Aye.”
He wanted to hold her, kiss her, make love to her. Find the smile and light buried in the uncertain girl before him. The absence from her had raked at him all through his time in London.
The strife befalling his family had brought matters into sharper detail for him. He felt scraped raw inside, fragile and easily broken. Blithely, he had entered this marriage and believed he could make her love him. Love him in the way he craved with every breath.
She went to their bed and sat, staring at him with those bottomless brown eyes that reached into the deepest part of him. He had chosen her. His heart fixed on her and no other would do. But neither would a pale ghost of Kathryn do.
“It seems I have erred,” she said. “I sought to rescue my mother, but it transpires she does not want or need my rescue.”
Before he gave in to his impulse to comfort her, he walked to the casement and stared blindly outside. “She intends to return to Mandeville?”
“Aye.”
“Perhaps not for much longer.” He could offer her this comfort at least. “As I said, Garrett and I have a plan in the works that might solve that.”
She sat up straighter. “You do?”
“Aye,” he said. “There was no reason for you to rush off with Garrett, as he well knew.”
She fidgeted with her skirts. “I did not give him much choice.”
“I suspected as much.” Which Garrett could thank for still having a head on his shoulders. He struggled to believe Garrett had let Kathryn put herself in such danger. He near laughed at himself. Nobody let Kathryn do anything. She was her own woman through and through, which is why he knew what had to be done.
She stood and approached him, her hands knotted in her skirts as if she did not trust her reception.
Seeing Kathryn in a dress still took him by surprise. In his mind, she rode astride that great horse of hers, dressed in braies, her fist raised in defiant challenge to all comers.
“I am sorry for my actions,” she said. “It is not that I do not trust you. I acted without thinking.”
He nodded, because he did accept her apology. “We will need to find a solution to your sister as well.”
She dropped her head and heaved a big sigh. “I know.”
“If your father discovers her here, he will demand her back.”
She nodded, then raised her head. “Roger?”
“Aye?” The uncertainty in her expression tore at him. With one move he could wipe it away.
“Are you not glad to see me?”
Dear God. The wrench within weakened his knees. Glad to see her? She brought the only light into his dark days at the moment. “I am always glad to see you.”
“Then…” She frowned. “You seem…different.”
He could not keep her in suspense any longer, but dread kept him silent for a few long moments more. This thing with Henry had made him think about many things. Life tossed surprises at a man all the time. Some
of them good, some of them gut-wrenching and hard. In his contented life, most of those surprises had been good.
They had suffered their share of setbacks and difficulties at Anglesea, but they had always overcome. Henry’s possible death brought their luck to a shattering end. This obstacle they could not fight their way through or negotiate their way around. Their options dwindled to two, wait and accept.
His father’s inability to accept those options came from a lifetime of fighting to make his way in the world. Roger understood that sort of frustration to his marrow, but father could raise the armies of hell and still not win this battle. He would speak with his father later, but first he had this matter to attend.
He had ridden out of Anglesea on a cloud of grief, resentment and frustration. He had married Kathryn with all the arrogance of a man accustomed to getting his way in everything. A man who mastered his fate. He loved her, and he had seen no reason she would not come to love him.
“I lied to you, Kathryn.”
She tensed. “How?”
Certainties did not exist in life. What if she never came to love him? Then, he and Kathryn would remain locked in a marriage of convenience. His love might fade and die, becoming bitter resentment. She might always look at him and see the person who stood between her and her heart’s desire. The time had come for honesty between them. If they could not come to share a loving bond, then they would grow to be friends. Her rejection would score deep, for certain, but he could grow to accept it in time.
“I wanted to marry you, and I made my vow to protect your mother to get your agreement.” The words came out with barbs attached, scouring him raw from the inside out. “I will do all I can to make good on that vow, but I offer no certainty.”
She had gone paler than the sheeting on which she sat. “It no longer matters.”
“But it does.” Sweat trickled down his sides. He wanted to yank his hauberk off and fling it across the room. “I said many things, Kathryn. That day at Calder when I asked you to marry me.”
“Roger.” She pressed her hand to her throat.
He knew only one way to cover difficult ground, at a gallop. “I said I married you because of our situation. It was only partly true.”
“Ah.” She stood and walked away.
Speaking to her back was easier. “I married you because I loved you. I do love you.”
Kathryn pressed her back against the wall. She clasped her hands in front of her until her knuckles whitened. “Nay.”
“Aye, Kathryn” The distance yawned between them and he closed it. “I loved you then and I love you now.”
“But—”
“I said what I needed to say to ensure you would marry me.” His fingers twitched, desperate to touch her, but he gripped his hauberk instead. “I knew you did not love me, but I hoped you would come to love me in time. It seems that is no longer possible.”
“Roger, I…”
Her inability to finish that sentence lanced through him. “I have failed you in this.” Roger took a raw breath. “And you have held my vow up to me as proof of my failure.”
She gasped, hurt flickering in her eyes.
Roger steeled himself. “Love is not dependent on whether a person proves themselves worthy or not. I do not love Henry because he is the best brother in the world. I find I miss the irksome parts of him as much as I miss the good.”
“I do not understand.” She gripped her skirts.
“If a man needed to be worthy of love to have it, my father would have been out on his ass years ago. My mother does not love him because he earned that love. Just as Bea does not love Garrett because there is no finer man in all the kingdom. Or William love Alice because she is the most beautiful woman he has seen. Love does not work that way.”
He took a step closer, and she closed her eyes. So be it.
“So here we stand.” He needed to get this said before he disgraced himself and bawled like a child. “Both of us caught in a trap of my making. You are married to man you cannot love, and I am married to a woman who does not love me.”
She raised her stubborn little chin. “So now what do we do?”
“We go forward.” A bitter laugh escaped him. “Truthfully, I have no idea how we do that. I have a responsibility to my name and my title. I would ask that you give me an heir, but even that is your choice. I have brothers aplenty, and they breed sons to carry our name. You are free, Kathryn. For the first time in your life, you can choose where you go from here.” He needed to get out of the chamber before the cost of his words overcame him. “Hell! If you want to sally forth as some modern day shield-maiden, I will provide the army at your back. Do what your heart desires.”
* * * *
The door closed behind him. Kathryn’s legs crumpled beneath her, and she sank to the floor.
You are free, Kathryn. For the first time in your life, you can choose where you go from here.
Roger had granted her freedom, requesting only an heir in return and she could refuse him even that. Although, she might already be partway to fulfilling her end of that bargain.
She rubbed the tightness in her chest, but it did not ease.
All she had wanted and dreamed of handed to her in one devastating conversation. Except her foolish heart ached to run after him and tell him… What? She thumped her head against the wall. She received a sore head for her trouble, but the ache in her chest throbbed unabated.
What did she know of love?
She loved her mother, and Matty. Her heart had never skipped a beat over a man, or even so much as fluttered at a handsome smile. Until Roger of Anglesea had put her atop Striker and told her to take up her sword and show him how she jousted. But what did that mean?
In times past she might have asked Matty, but a gap had opened between them and she did not have the strength to close it. Matty had married for love and now she slept at Anglesea, apart from the same husband she had risked everything for. Risked even Kathryn and their mother.
Digory professed to love Matty, and yet Kathryn had seen his flicker of doubt.
Mother had chosen father, believing she loved him. Now she determinedly insisted on doing her duty by a man who treated her like a dog.
Garrett loved Bea, and yet they fought as if they could find no truce.
And Roger loved her.
Love.
Kathryn thunked her head a second time. She did not understand this love of which everyone spoke so much.
* * * *
Roger bathed in the barracks and donned clean hose and tunic before he went to find his father. Not that Sir Arthur would give a rat’s ass for his dirty state, but more to give himself time to gather up the tattered edges of his pride. His heart would take much longer to mend, but he did not mean to wear it seeping and exposed on his sleeve for all of Anglesea to view.
Rob directed him to his parents’ chamber when he asked, and Roger knocked before entering.
His mother rose from beside the hearth, her expression soft with love. She enfolded him in a rose-scented hug that near brought him to his knees.
“What news of Beatrice?” He needed to move her attention off him.
“Another boy.” Lady Mary smiled. “She was so sure it would be a girl this time.”
“Four boys.” Sir Arthur sneered. “You would think that would be enough for any man.”
“Hush, Arthur.” Lady Mary clucked her tongue. “It is not Garrett that keeps insisting on another child.”
“Hmph!” Sir Arthur quaffed his wine.
“Mother is right.” Roger stood in front of his father. “Beatrice always managed to get her way. She did with you as well.”
“Well.” Mother arranged her skirts and sat. “Beatrice and her new babe are both healthy and happy. I think they will name him Geoffrey.”
“I am glad.” The news lifted some of the heaviness from his heart. “I imagine she rests now.”
“Indeed.” Mother accepted
a goblet from Father. “I caught a peek of my newest grandson earlier. He brings some much-needed joy to this old pile of stones. Say what you will about him, Garrett makes fine-looking children.”
“I rather think you would say Beatrice makes fine children.” Sir Arthur kicked the hearth surround.
“You would.” Lady Mary snorted. She looked at Roger. “Your father shared the news from London. You look tired.”
Trust his mother to see through any mask he might don. “The ride was long, and I did not sleep much at court.”
“Have you seen Kathryn?” Her gaze could strip him to his flesh in a heartbeat.
“Aye.”
She motioned him to take a seat. “I imagine you are also here to speak to this stubborn man about his disgraceful behavior.”
Sir Arthur growled, but his silence spoke louder than any words.
Roger poured wine before taking his seat in the casement. “So”—he took a long sip—“what was your plan?”
“To get Lady Rose back.” Sir Arthur hunkered elbows to knees and glared into the fire.
“You were going to make war on a man to steal his wife.” Roger glanced at his mother.
Lady Mary hid a smile behind her goblet.
“All right, pup.” Sir Arthur reared up. “Have at it! Mock and jeer all you like.”
“I am not here for that.” Roger well understood the demons on his father’s back.
“Eh?”
“I thought you might like to know that Garrett has the matter in hand. I went to him a while back because he’s a good man for seeing another man’s weakness. He spotted yours like a hawk on a hare.”
Sir Arthur barked a rusty laugh. “Aye, you have the truth of it there.”
“He plans to offer Sir Royce what he values more than his wife.”
Mother shook her head. “That should not be too hard, as he values her not at all.”
* * * *
Roger searched throughout Anglesea before running Garrett to ground in the kitchens.
“Congratulations.” He clapped Garrett on the shoulder. “Another fine boy.”
Garrett grinned. “Aye, another lusty one to be sure.”
“Beatrice is well?”