by Josh Karnes
Chapter 5
Isla de Vieques, Puerto Rico
James and Melissa sat across the table from one another on the patio in front of an amazing picturesque little café in Isabel Segundo, the town on the island of Vieques. They had enjoyed a late lunch and were appropriately sipping piña coladas while watching the people walk by. Melissa’s wavy chestnut hair was a halo as the breeze picked it up and it was caught by the early afternoon glint of sunlight.
After dropping off the boys for their great adventure to ‘the crease’, they took a taxi into town and wandered about doing a little shopping and taking in the local flair. But Melissa had been unable to relax; she was just so worried about the kids. They are grown, or nearly grown, but she was still their mom and it felt very uncomfortable to send them off on their own.
Of course James could not relax at all. He was drowning in a conflicting sea of emotions. On the one hand, he was crippled by guilt and shame. On the other hand, he was anxious and fearful about his family and his marriage. He felt the incredible urge to just do something to fix his family, while simultaneously being paralyzed by his guilt.
Finally, after avoiding the topic right in front of their faces, Melissa broke the silence. “James, what is it you are trying to do here?”
“What do you mean?” James said, knowing full well what she meant.
“You know. All of this. I mean, we never have taken big vacations like this. Are you trying to somehow buy back your family? And this thing with the kids. Letting them have their way like that? What is this, like a divorced dad buying his kid a pony? Are you trying to get some brownie points? Be the ‘good guy’ parent and make me the 'bad guy'? Honestly, James. This is not going to work.”
“No. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m not trying to win anything. It’s not like that. I guess I just thought that if we got away from the stresses of our normal life, you know, maybe we’d be able to kind of start over. Start planning the rest of our lives together. Maybe it’d bring us back together as a family.”
“Bring us back together? Seriously, James, you don’t get it. If anything, it is you who is driving the family apart! How are you going to bring us back together?”
“That’s not what I meant. This is not coming out the way I wanted to.”
“I sure hope it’s not.”
“I can’t explain it, I guess. Maybe this was just another bad idea.”
“It’s just too late, James. We can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. The situation is what it is. You're not going to be able to magically make it like it used to be.”
“Look, don’t you think I know that? There’s nothing I can do about it now! I did what I thought I had to do at the time. It’s not like I can go back in time and decide not to do it. I can’t give the money back. Who knows where it even came from? And it’s not like we weren’t headed for a disaster—”
“We were not heading for disaster!”
“Yes we were! We lost our home, had to sell the cars, had collection agents calling constantly and no way out of this debt. Do you think our marriage was going to hold up through a complete financial collapse? What in the world was I supposed to do?” James was trembling. The dam holding back the ocean of his crushing guilt was beginning to crack. Melissa just looked at her lap. This had turned into a full-on fight. That was definitely not the plan.
“James. Listen to me very carefully. When I married you, I didn’t expect you to be rich, or to take me on luxurious vacations and buy expensive cars and houses. I fell in love with a man with integrity. You were the first man I ever met where I really thought, ‘well here’s someone that I can trust to be the father of my children, to raise them and teach them, by example, show them, that you do the right thing, not the easy thing, no matter what the cost.’ You were that man. But then once things really got hard, right when we all really needed you to be that man, you… you…” Melissa was crying now. “You just are not the man I married. I’m sorry, James.”
“No. I’m sorry. You’re right. Well, maybe. I am still that man, but I just made a mistake. I don’t know how to take it back. What’s done is done. I didn’t change, not at all. I just screwed up.”
“I don’t believe you,” is all she said. It’s all she needed to say.