by Allie Able
I nod my head and beg her with my eyes to tell me what's happening.
She sighs and looks towards my mom. “Why don't y'all sit?”
I let go of Lexie's hand and sit in the chair beside my mom's bed, before looking up expectantly at Aunt Korean.
She glances over at Lexie before looking towards me. “Your mom was diagnosed with cancer two months ago.”
My world spins.
I hear Lexie gasp and then I feel her hand on my shoulder.
Time seems to stop while I process those words.
Cancer.
My mom has cancer.
“What kind of cancer?” Lexie asks.
“Stage four ovarian cancer.”
The room is so silent you could hear a pin drop, but all I keep hearing is 'stage four ovarian cancer'.
Lexie grips onto my shoulder tightly and I look over at my mom. “What is the treatment plan? And why the fuck am I just now hearing about this?”
I know I shouldn't curse, but I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed at my mom for not telling me sooner. I'm pissed that I'm at this fucking hospital. I'm even pissed at the damn universe for putting me in this situation again.
“We’ve been to two different specialists to go over treatment plans. We got the same answer from both of them. There is nothing they can do other than keep her comfortable. The cancer has spread everywhere. I’m so sorry, honey,” Korean says, quietly.
All I hear now is something deep inside of me breaking. I'm going to lose my mom.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lexie
I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING Zack's world fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Joanna is so young. She's the same age as my parents. I couldn't imagine losing my mom or dad and Zack has already lost his dad to cancer. I squeeze his shoulder harder, but he never takes his eyes off of his mom.
I look to Korean for help, but she just shakes her head with tears in her eyes.
The doctor comes in a short time later. He explains to us the situation, but mostly he just uses big medical words that go over my head. I catch the gist of it.
Stage four ovarian cancer… inoperable… spread outside the abdomen… her body isn't strong enough and the chemo is killing her…
They have stopped all treatments, except for pain management, and he has given Joanna less than a month to live. I feel like crumbling to the ground and crying, but I don't. I know Zack needs me and he certainly doesn't need to see me losing my shit, but at the same time, Joanna is like a mother to me too. I've known her almost my whole life and I can't imagine living in a world that she's not a part of.
She's all Zack has left.
I stay in the room awhile longer, trying to get Zack to communicate with me, but he doesn't. He just stares at him mom like she will disappear any second. I excuse myself to go get a cup of coffee. As soon as I walk out of the room, I break. I can't handle it anymore. I lean against the cold concrete wall and I bury my face in my hands. I cry for Joanna and I cry for Zack. I cry so hard that I can't breathe. I slide down the wall and gasp for air.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, but I'm so lost in my own world of misery that I don't acknowledge whoever it is.
“Put your head between your legs and take deep breaths, sweetie.”
I do as she says. It takes me awhile to get control again, but all the while she is rubbing circles on my back. Finally, I get my shit together and I lift my head, turning to look at the stranger.
It's the same nurse that brought us back to Joanna's room. She's sitting on the floor against the wall next to me, like my behavior isn't strange at all.
“You okay?” she asks.
“No, I'm not,” I shake my head and wipe my eyes.
“That was a dumb question. I'm sorry.”
“It's okay.”
We sit on the floor for a while longer. We don't say anything; we just watch the hustle and bustle of the hospital around us.
“I'm so sorry,” she finally says.
I turn and look at her with raised eyebrows, wondering why she is so sorry.
“My mom died from cancer a few years ago. It was sudden and it was hard. I'm not going to say I know how you feel because I believe everyone handles stuff differently, but I do know the pain of losing someone close to you.”
“Thank you and I'm sorry about your mom.”
She nods her head and gives me a small smile.
“Well, if you're okay for now, I need to go check on a few patients.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
She quickly waves me off. “There is nothing to be sorry for.”
“I'm Lexie,” I say sticking out my hand.
“Hi, Lexie. I'm Kimber and if you ever need to talk, let me know. Or if you just want to lean against some walls in silence, I can do that too.”
I give her hand a squeeze, before letting go. “Thank you.”
She winks, before standing and walking away.
I get to my feet and dust myself off. I wipe my eyes the best I can and turn to walk back into the hospital room.
Zack is still sitting in the chair beside his mom's bed. He doesn't lift his eyes to me as I walk in. I look over at Korean and she gives me a sad smile.
Sitting beside her on the couch, I watch Zack for a few minutes. I wish I could take his pain away, but I can't.
“How long are they keeping her?” I ask Korean.
“Just today and maybe tomorrow. I'm going to be staying with her at her house from now on.”
I know what that means. She's staying with her until she dies.
“I can stay with her,” Zack says.
“That's exactly what your mom doesn’t want, Zack,” Korean says gently.
“Why? Why does she not want me there?” he says in anger.
“Talk to her when she wakes up, but, Zack, I don't think she ever wanted you to have to see her like this,” Korean whispers.
He grunts in acknowledgment, but doesn't say anything else.
I stay at the hospital until later the same night. Joanna still doesn't wake up. The doctors tell us that her pain is bad and that her body is tired. She needs the rest. Zack refuses to leave and I hate that I can't stay with him. He barely looks at me as I kiss his cheek and tell him I'll be back the next day.
I cry the entire drive home and most of the night. I just don't know what to do. I sleep horribly and it shows when I get to work the next day.
Summer wraps her arms around me in a hug.
“I'm so sorry,” she whispers.
I nod my head and the lump in my throat grows larger. “I just need to work,” I reply quietly.
She rubs my back and lets me go. “Okay, but only a few hours and then you need to go get some rest. Lady is still at our house and we will keep her for as long as we need to.”
“I'll go get her today.”
She nods her head, but doesn't say anything.
It's still early and the bakery won't open for a few hours, so I follow her to the back and put my purse down. She goes back to baking and I sit down on the stool and watch her like I've done many times before, except today there is no useless chit-chat. I'm not replaying my weekend to her and making her laugh. A heavy silence fills the air around us and I'm too fucking tired and hurt to care.
Summer passes me a cupcake and I shake my head. She frowns, as she puts it back on the tray, but still doesn't say anything.
A short time later, I make my way up to the front of the shop and open the doors. It's going to be a long day.
* * *
I leave the bakery early. Today was Jenna's day off, but she came in around two o'clock and told me that I looked like shit and to go on home. I haven't heard from Zack today. I tried to call him twice, but I'm pretty sure his cell phone is dead.
Driving straight to the hospital, I park my car. I take a few deep breaths before stepping out into the hot air and making my way inside. I'm terrified of what will be waiting for me in that hospital room.
Giving the
attending nurse Joanna's name, she buzzes me back and I walk down the cold sterile hallway towards the ICU. I open the door and walk into the room.
Zack is still sitting in the same chair and I have to wonder if he moved at all. What surprises me is that Joanna's eyes are open and she is sitting up in bed.
She gives me a sad smile and I rush to her side. I throw my arms around her, being careful not to hurt her. Burying, my face in her neck, I take in her smell. Even being in the hospital for the last twenty-four hours, she still has it. She wraps her arms around me and weakly hugs me back.
“Shh… sweet girl,” she mumbles.
It takes everything in me not to cry, but I refuse to do that to her and Zack.
I pull my head back after a few seconds and briefly glance over at Zack. He is watching our exchange with a pained look on his face.
“How are you today. I was here yesterday, but you were sleeping,” I say, looking back at Joanna.
“I'm okay,” she says with a sad smile.
I sit down on the edge of the bed and take her hand in mine. “No, you're not.”
“Zack, will you please go get some lunch now. Lexie's here and she'll stay with me until you get back.”
“But mom –”
“I didn't ask, Zackery,” she gives him a harsh look.
He nods his head and stands. He looks over at me and I give him a small smile. He looks worse than I do. God, I wish I could wrap my arms around him and make this better.
“I'll be right back, Angel.”
It’s the first time he has really acknowledged me since yesterday and I nod my head, watching as he walks out of the door, quietly shutting it behind him.
“He's angry,” Joanna whispers and my attention goes back to her.
“Yeah,” I quietly respond.
“He doesn't understand why I didn't tell him and he doesn't understand why I don't want him staying with me.”
I squeeze her hand. “Tell me why and maybe I will understand.”
She sighs. “I didn't want my last few months to be spent in grief, Lexie. I knew how advanced the cancer was. I knew the treatments more than likely weren't going to work and I wanted to enjoy the time I have left. I don't want him to stay with me and watch me die.”
“Joanna,” I whisper.
“I don't want that for you either. You have been like a daughter to me from the moment I met you—such a mischievous little thing. I loved you the moment my son came home and told me that God only picks the special people to go to heaven early.”
With tears burning my eyes, I cock my head to the side in confusion.
“Do you remember that?” she asks.
“I don't know,” I admit.
“The day that Zack went to a new school I was so scared for him. He was always a shy kid, but after his dad died he was even more withdrawn and we moved so much in the beginning. It was hard for him to make friends. He came home that first day and told me that his daddy must have been special because God only chooses the special people to go to heaven early. I told him that he was exactly right and I asked him where he heard that. He told me that an angel on the playground told him that. I was worried at first. I mean, my son came home telling me he talked to an angel on the playground,” she chuckles. “But imagine my surprise when that angel was a blonde headed little girl with pig tails.”
My nose is burning with the effort to hold back my tears. “I remember meeting Zack that day, but I don't remember saying that,” I whisper.
“Well, you did my darling girl. You were always the cutest damn thing and you had a heart of gold, but I watched you become a beautiful woman who loves my son fiercely. I need you to do me that favor again. I need you to remind my son that he has more life to live. I can see the pain and heartache in his eyes. I can see him starting to shut down. I need you to be there for him again when I die. I need you to go on to get married and to make beautiful little babies, because I know the two of you will. I am so sorry that I won't be around to see that. I am so sorry that I won't get to experience your wedding day and all of the other wonderful things you both will celebrate together. But I need you to make sure that happens. Don't let him shut you out. His heart is breaking. Please don't let him become too broken. Put him back together, piece by piece if you have to. Can you be my strong girl one last time and do that for me?”
The tears are streaming down my face in rivers. There is nothing I can do to stop them. “Yes. Yes, I will do that. I can do that.”
In that moment, I try to stay strong, I really do, but I don't succeed. I crumble. I break. I fold myself into her fragile body, wrapping my arms around her waist and I sob.
“Please don't leave me,” I cry.
“Oh, honey. I don't think that's for me to decide, but just know, I will always be watching. Okay? On that wedding day, I will be there. The days that your children are born, I will be watching. I will always be watching over you, darling girl.”
I can feel her hand smoothing my hair down and that just makes me cry even harder. I cling to her frail body and weep.
Life is so fucking unfair and cruel.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Zack
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE my mom came home from the hospital and every day I watch her get worse. Her pain is almost intolerable. She has a nurse that comes to the house every day. As per her wishes, Aunt Korean is staying with her. I go over every morning and every night. Lexie comes with me most of the time and just sits quietly.
Two days ago Mom became bed ridden. She's asleep more times than not when I visit her and every day I feel myself break a little more.
I've been staying at Lexie's house or she has been staying at mine. We have both been unusually quiet. At night, I hold her in bed and I feel her quiet sobs. She doesn't think I know, but I can feel her. I let the tears leak from my eyes, as I hold her against me.
I know it's only a matter of time and I feel like I'm just waiting for my mom to die. There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing at any moment that it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I'm so tired from all of the sleepless nights, but it's more than just being physically tired. It's a tired that I can feel bone deep. I'm way too young to lose my mother, but I know it's going to happen anyway.
I finish my shift at the fire station and get in my truck to head to Mom’s house. Every day I wonder what condition I will find her in. I'm surprised when I walk in and see that Lexie is already there, sitting in the living room with Korean.
“How is she today?” I ask.
Aunt Korean nods her head. “She's okay, Honey. Go on back.”
I walk over to Lexie and give her a kiss on the head. She looks up at me and it's like staring in a mirror. She rarely smiles at anything anymore. My once happy girl looks drained. She has bags under her eyes and her skin is pale. I hate that she is hurting, but I'm barely hanging on myself. I have no clue how to make her feel better when I'm breaking inside.
I let her go and walk towards my mom's room. I stand in the doorway and take in her sleeping form. God, she looks so small. Walking towards the bed, I kiss her forehead before sitting down and taking her hand in mine.
I'm silent for a while as I stare at her. Every day, I try to memorize everything about her face, not knowing when it will be the last. I think that's the worst part, the waiting. I know now why she didn't tell me about the cancer. I'm still angry that she didn't want me to be there for her, but I understand why she did it. It still hurts though.
She blinks open her eyes and turns to look at me. “Hey, son.” Her voice sounds so weak. She's not the lively mother that I know. She's weak and fragile and it kills me.
“Hey, Mom,” I whisper.
She tries to sit up a little, but she's not able to. I stand up from the chair and pick her body up. I'm extra gentle because I know the least little bit of movement causes her pain. I scoot her up on her pillows, before sitting back down.
“Better?” I ask.
“
Yeah.”
“Do you need anything? Some water? Something to eat?”
She shakes her head slowly. “No. I don't need anything but time and I don't think I can have any more of that,” she responds with a sad smile.
Fucking time.
God, I hate time.
I take her hand again and kiss the back of it. “I would give you some of mine, Mom.”
“And I wouldn't let you. You're going to need it. Where's Lexie?”
“She's in the living room with Korean.”
She nods her head and stares at me for a moment. “I told her all of my wishes a few weeks ago, but I want you to make sure you are there for her too. She's hurting.”
I'm confused by her words, but I nod my head anyway. “I know, Mom. Everyone is hurting.”
“I'm sorry for that.”
“Don't you dare apologize.”
She gives me a look and shakes her head. “Listen to me,” she says. She sounds stronger than she has in weeks and I know whatever she is trying to say that I need to pay attention.
“I'm listening, Mom. I always listen to you.” I squeeze her hand.
“I know you do, Zack. You were such a good kid. It was a pleasure to watch you turn into a man.”
“Mom, let's not do this.” I feel tears stinging my eyes and really don't want to hear what sounds like goodbye.
“Damnit, Zackery, listen to me.”
I nod my head and she continues.
“I am so proud of you. I hope I said that enough but in case I didn't, I want you to know that. You have never done anything, but make me proud. You are the best son I could have ever asked for and one day you will make an amazing father. I don't want what is happening to me to define your life. I remember when we lost your father. That was so hard, but we had each other. You won't have me this time, but you will have Lexie. I know you are both hurting. That girl loves deeply and fiercely and when I finally go, she's going to hurt almost as bad as you. Please remember that. Please lean on each other and don't try to push her away. I know how stubborn you are.”
She stops and takes a breath. She closes her eyes and I squeeze her hand. “Mom, we don't have to do this. Save your energy,” I whisper.