by T. J. Klune
“Like it was any better for me,” Darren said.
“Oh, I do declare.” I batted my eyes. “You’ve set my heart all a-fluttah.”
One second he was unmoving, and the next he had me crowded up against the back wall and I was very aware that his torso was exposed and I was wearing tiny underwear. His nose scraped against my cheek as he growled in my ear, “If you’ll recall, I’m doing this for you.”
“No,” I said, hating how thin my voice sounded. “You said you were doing it for reasons I couldn’t ask after.” I kept my hands at my sides because there was miles of bronzed skin in front of me and for some goddamn reason, I was thinking about touching.
“That too,” he said and I swore his lips scraped against the shell of my ear.
I shuddered. I couldn’t stop it even if I tried.
He chuckled darkly.
And that’s when Paul Auster shrieked, “What the hell is going on!”
I screamed in surprise.
Darren winced and stepped away, shoulders slightly hunched.
Paul, Vince, and Charlie stood at the door near the stairs. Paul looked like he was about to have a massive coronary event. Vince looked properly shocked. Charlie was glancing between Darren and me, judging us both in that way he did so well.
“Oh,” I said, trying to gather my wits about me. “Paul. How lovely to see you. And early, even. That’s… neat.”
“Why are there six sexually frustrated men sitting downstairs?” Paul demanded. “And why is your muscly bartender making the sign of the cross on his chest while staring up at the ceiling?”
“It’s Ash Wednesday,” I said. “He was trying to find Jesus.”
“I think that’s in February.” Charlie sounded far too amused.
“You keep your mouth shut, old man,” I snarled at him.
He winked at me.
“Where are your pants?” Paul asked.
“Um,” I said.
“I tore them off,” Darren said, coming to stand next to me. “So we could fuck.”
Oh dear god.
“You tore them what to what?” Paul didn’t sound like he was able to process anything.
“Whoa.” Vince sounded way too excited. “No way. I won.”
“Won what?” I asked as if I wasn’t standing with my balls practically hanging out.
“Absolutely nothing.” Paul put a hand over Vince’s mouth. “Vince doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He hit his head today and has a severe concussion and is just making stuff up. He tends to get concussions. It’s kind of his thing. My poor baby.”
“We all bet on when you guys would get together and where you would have sex for the first time,” Charlie said.
“Goddammit, Daddy.” Paul dropped his hand. “You know that home we keep talking about? Now, all the nurses are going to be older females all named Hilda. No sponge baths for you by some hunky RN named Sven.”
“You did what?” I said, dumbfounded.
“Yes, well,” Paul hedged. “It wasn’t my idea.”
“It was all his idea,” Vince said. “He came up with it and the rules. He’s also the one holding the money.”
“Huh,” Paul said. “That was me being thrown under the bus quite severely. I didn’t think I’d actually be able to taste the betrayal.”
“A plague on your house,” I hissed at Paul.
“Your life is made up of awkward moments, isn’t it?” Darren said to me.
“Of course not,” I said through gritted teeth. “Now, be a peach and shut your trap.”
Then he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
Like an asshole.
I felt his wicked smile against my skin. I almost karate chopped his face off. It was close.
“What’s going on?” Paul asked, voice high-pitched as Darren pulled away. “What is this? What’s happening here? What are you doing? Why is there kissing?”
“We’re dating.” Darren took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Because Sandy finds me to be intoxicating and could no longer resist my wiles.”
“Wow,” I said. “Keep talking like that and there won’t be any wiles left of you to resist.”
“Please,” he scoffed. “You take one look at me and your brain goes to mush.”
“It does,” I said. “It’s apparently a severe allergic reaction. Don’t worry, I’m seeing a specialist about it.”
“Aw,” Darren mocked. “I’ve got an injection to help you out with that.”
“Oh dear god,” Paul said faintly. “With their powers combined, nothing will ever be the same again.”
“I hope you guys cleaned up in here,” Charlie said with a stern look. “There better not be jizz on anything of mine. I’m not in the mood to wipe spunk off my camera.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Darren swallows like a good boy. Not a drop on the floor.”
Paul made a wounded noise like a dying manatee.
Darren gripped my hand even tighter. “Couldn’t let any go to waste. Of course, Sandy reciprocated with ease. That throat opened right up.”
“Okay.” Vince grimaced. “I’m pretty sure I don’t need to hear about Sandy swallowing my brother’s junk.”
“He rhymes his dirty talk,” Darren said gleefully. “He told me he was going to fill my trunk with his spunk. I’ve never been more turned on in my life.”
“Nope,” Paul said. “That is not a thing we should talk about. Ever. We’re done now.”
“It’s not my fault,” I grumbled. “It just happens sometimes.”
“I think it’s fun,” Darren said, though he didn’t sound like it at all. “You sure know how to make a boy feel special when you’re Dr. Seussing my asshole.”
“Oh dear god,” Paul wheezed. “Holy shit. That sounds so fucking—”
“Hey.” I frowned. “I’m allowed to have sex. I do have sex.”
“I know,” Paul retorted. “I just saw the balls of one of the people you had sex with last weekend. And now I’m seeing the nipples of another. I’m not supposed to see the people you have sex with naked too!”
Darren brought an arm up to cover his nipples like Paul had offended him. I absolutely refused to find it adorable because Darren had trapped us in his web of fake sexy lies and there was no way this couldn’t end in tears. Especially since in the space of an hour, I’d gone from being a loveable and carefree queen to having a pseudo-boyfriend and lying to everyone in order to take on the Republicans to save a gay bar.
Still, I had to focus on the more important things in life. “What was the bet?” I asked.
“Oh,” Paul said, a little sheepish. “Well, Vince here thought you guys would have sex up here before Christmas. Charlie thought it was going to be in your house around Valentine’s Day. Corey said it would happen next summer in a pool. Nana thought you’d be in an orgy sometime next year and would end up boning and fall in love. Mom and Dad thought you were already secretly in love and married and would announce two years from now that you were adopting Ethiopian triplets.”
It was official. I pretty much hated everyone I knew. “And you?” I asked.
He mumbled something under his breath, looking embarrassed.
Vince rolled his eyes. “He was going to convince Darren to dress like Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys for Halloween.”
“My greatest weakness,” I breathed.
“And I would have gotten away with it too if you kids hadn’t meddled and already fucked in a gay bar,” Paul grumbled.
“All of you?” I demanded.
“Pretty much everyone you know,” Paul agreed. “The only thing I’m sorry about is that I didn’t win. Vince gets five hundred dollars.”
“I’m going to buy you something nice,” Vince said.
“Aw, babe,” Paul said.
“I was talking to myself,” Vince said. “I’m not buying you shit. Maybe you should learn how to bet better next time. Or better yet, keep betting like you do and I’ll just take your money.”
&
nbsp; “Engagement off,” Paul said with a scowl.
Vince shrugged. “That’s cool. I’m rich now. I’ll just buy myself love.”
“You’re letting this go to your head,” Paul said. “It’s turning you into a monster. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”
“You want to bet on something?” Vince asked Charlie. “Let’s go make bets on things like dogs and horses and food trucks.”
“Dogs and horses and food trucks,” Charlie repeated. “You kids these days.”
“Such a sad tale of rising to the top only to crash hard to the bottom,” Paul said.
“Do you see them?” Charlie asked Darren and me. “This is what you’ve got to look forward to now that you’re together. This is your future.”
“Oh dear god, no,” I whispered.
I tried to pull my hand away from Darren, but he wouldn’t let go. In fact, he pulled me closer to him, wrapping his bare arm around my shoulders, and I was reminded that I was, in fact, still not wearing pants. “We couldn’t be happier about it,” Darren said. “I just care for him so much. It’s like all my dreams have come true.”
I tried to make sure my face didn’t look like I’d just bitten into a lemon covered in dog shit. “Yes,” I got out. “So happy. So much caring. I don’t know if I could have any more caring or happiness than I do right now. And the dreams! Oh god, the dreams.”
“Should we talk about dreams now?” Paul asked innocently.
“Let’s not,” I said, trying to relay to Paul with the power of my eyebrows that I would murder him if he spilled the beans. “Paul, don’t you have that thing at that place to do the stuff?”
“Why, Sandy,” Paul said. “I really don’t think I know what you’re talking about. Because that was pretty much just lies. You liar.”
I needn’t have worried. Paul didn’t need to say a thing.
Because Vince did. He looked at his brother and said, “Sandy had a sex dream where he was giving me a blow job and then you and I got funky with each other.”
“And then you both sucked on my nipples,” Paul whispered to Vince.
“Right, and then we both sucked on Paul’s nipples,” Vince said.
“You had an incestuous sex dream about me?” Darren asked me.
“You really shouldn’t sound smug about that,” I said. “Because of the incest part.”
“Hey,” he said, that smirk returning. “I’m not one to kink shame. Especially when it comes to my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend,” I repeated.
“Sure,” he said, squeezing me tighter. “That’s all I could ever want. My kinky, kinky boyfriend.”
With the power of my mind, I tried to relay to him that his death would not be quick or easy and that I would make him understand what true suffering meant.
Apparently, he didn’t understand because he just grinned at me. That dickbag.
“You know what this means, right?” Paul asked me, and I just knew I didn’t want to hear the words that came next. Paul tended to have the worst possible ideas at the worst possible time.
“What?” I asked, my voice trembling.
He smiled at me, and it was a thing of dark malevolence. “It means,” he said, “that we can double date. Just the four of us. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
And I thought there was a distinct possibility that I would rather be waterboarded. With bleach. On my birthday. In Kentucky. “Great,” I said. “Super great. Like, the greatest idea you’ve ever had.”
“Perfect.” Paul beamed. “We’ll go Friday night. I know just the place.”
I hoped that before Friday, I’d die in a shark attack.
Spoiler alert: I didn’t.
Chapter 9: It’s Best to Have Group Text with Your Family
GROUP MESSAGE: Nana Larry Matty Paul Vince Corey Sandy
Paul: FYI—Sandy & Darren are dating now
Nana: WTF JFC LOL
Corey: You can’t spring this on me while I’m in class!!!! >:[
Larry: What?!?!
Matty: I KNEW IT
Vince: I had to see them nekkid.
Nana: Nekkid? Why were they nekkid? LMAO YOLO
Vince: sandy makin sex face >_< & blow job face *o*
Corey: Shut the fuck up! SERIOUSLY?!?!
Larry: Language, both of you. And I really thought I was going to win
Matty: SANDY. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Larry: Matty, turn off your caps. It looks like you’re shouting
Matty: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT
Paul: Seriously. There were nipples and tiny underwear and everything
Nana: Nipples?!?! I never get to see nipples. OMG PRON
Corey: Oh god, I am so happy I wasn’t there to see that
Larry: Why isn’t Sandy responding?
Vince: doing show now. darren watching >_<
Nana: The tension must be totes adorbs. JK
Matty: I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR THEM. ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE
Paul: You need new dreams, Mom
Matty: I HAVE DREAMS
Matty: I WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN
Matty: YOU WANT TO HEAR MY GREATEST JOKE?
Larry: Say yes, Paul. Say you want to hear it
Vince: I want to hr it. tell me
Nana: I heard this. It was epic. IKR
Corey: Do it.
Paul: Seriously, you guys?
Matty: OKAY. MY GREATEST JOKE
Matty: HERE GOES
Matty: KNOCK KNOCK
Larry: Who’s there?
Nana: Who dis?
Corey: Who’s there
Vince: who dere?
Paul: Fine. Who’s there?
Matty: I GAVE BIRTH TO A TWELVE POUND BABY NAMED PAUL
Matty: YOU WEIGHED TWELVE POUNDS
Matty: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A TWELVE POUND BABY DOES TO YOU
Matty: IT WAS LIKE I’D LOST HALF MY BODY WEIGHT
Matty: WHEN I WAS DONE THEY GAVE ME A RIBBON FOR BEST IN SHOW
Matty: AND SAID THEY’D NEVER SEEN SO MUCH PLACENTA
Matty: THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS MY JOKE
Paul: Oh. My. GOD.
Larry: ahahahaha!!!
Nana: LOLOLOLOL
Corey: Lmao!!
Vince: is dat y paul looks like monster bb in the bb pics?
Larry: Yeah, we told everyone he was triplets but consumed his siblings in the womb
Paul: DAD
Larry: PAUL
Matty: PAUL!!!
Nana: PAUL JFC
Corey: PAULPAULPAUL
Vince: paul
Paul: Goddammit
Larry: Language!
Matty: I AM SO HAPPY FOR DARREN AND SANDY
Vince: surprise. I didnt think theyd do it yet
Nana: Love works in mysterious ways. LOL JK
Paul: I told him we’re going to double date
Corey: I’m going too so I can fifth wheel it. I want to make it awkward
Vince: its coreys turn next fur love & sex face <3 >_<
Corey: Oh look, I have to go
Nana: Corey, is there anyone you want to bone? WTF
Matty: YOU WILL FIND LOVE COREY. I PROMISE
Larry: If a twelve pound baby can, you can too.
Paul: DAD!!!!
Larry: Paul!
Matty: PAUL
Nana: Paul ERMAHGAHD
Vince: imma freddie prince jr u laterz. u dont even know
Matty: I STILL DON’T GET WHAT THAT MEANS
Larry: It’s a Dom/sub thing, Matty. It’s code for playroom talk
Matty: OH. PEOPLE DON’T GET IT WHEN I SAY MY SON IS A PONY
Paul: WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE THIS!!!!!
Larry: Because she’s proud of you, son. We all are
Matty: I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. IF IT’S AS A HORSE THAT’S FINE
Paul: I’m not a fucking horse! Or a pony! VINCE IS NOT MY DOM
Larry: Language!
Vince: get in the bedroom boy b4 I spank you
Nana: JFC WTH
&
nbsp; Paul: NOT HELPING VINCE
Matty: I LOVE YOU BUT I DON’T WANT TO ACTUALLY SEE IT
Larry: Seriously. Keep it in your pants, Paul
Paul: Oh my god
Matty: LARRY DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN PAUL WAS 12
Matty: AND HE KEPT GOING THROUGH TOO MANY SOCKS
Paul: Mom
Matty: AND WE COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHY
Matty: LIKE WHO WEARS THAT MANY SOCKS
Paul: Mom!
Matty: AND IT TURNED OUT HE WAS MASTURBATING INTO THEM
Vince: wut
Corey: lololololol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nana: OMFG
Matty: AND THEN PUTTING THEM IN THE HAMPER
Matty: THERE WERE LIKE THIRTY SOCKS A WEEK
Paul: MOM STOP IT
Matty: SO WE WENT AND BOUGHT HIM KLEENEX AND LOTION
Matty: AND LEFT IT WITH A NOTE ON HIS BED
Matty: THE NOTE SAID THAT WE LOVED HIM
Matty: AND THAT WE ALWAYS WOULD
Matty: BUT HE NEEDED TO STOP MASTURBATING INTO HIS SOCKS
Matty: AND TO SCARE HIM
Matty: WE TOLD HIM THE WASHING MACHINE COULD GET PREGNANT
Vince: WUT PAUL WUT
Corey: LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nana: ROTFLMAO TOTES 4REAL
Matty: AND THAT IF HE KEPT MASTURBATING INTO HIS SOCKS
Matty: HE COULD BE A FATHER TO A WASHING MACHINE BABY
Matty: HE CAME CRYING TO US TWO DAY S LATER
Matty: SAYING HE WOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IF HE HAD TO
Matty: THAT HE WOULD QUIT SCHOOL AND GET A JOB
Matty: TO SUPPORT HIS WASHING MACHINE BABY
Matty: HE TOLD US HE COULD WORK AT DENNY’S
Matty: OR BLOCKBUSTER
Matty: OR BOTH
Matty: GOD I LOVE BEING A PARENT
Larry: I remember that! Talk about gullible. Hey, Paul
Paul: What
Larry: Did you know that gullible isn’t in the dictionary?
Matty: GOOD ONE LARRY. PAUL IT ISN’T IN THE DICTIONARY
Larry: You should look
Matty: GO LOOK PAUL
Paul: I can’t wait until you’re both old and senile
Larry: At least we didn’t believe washing machines could get pregnant
Matty: BOO YAH. YOU’RE SO BURNED
Corey: Seriously, Paul. You just lost at life
Vince: I still love u even if ur weird
Nana: BRB AFK
Paul: Sandy’s done, everyone ignore their phones!
Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS