by T. J. Klune
So it was a surprise when the door sprang open and Paul Auster stood there, magnificently posed with Wheels in his arms and Vince rolling his eyes behind him, like he was some divine god seeking to hand down judgment upon me. He was also slightly sweaty and wearing a pink Hello Kitty bicycle helmet I’d bought him after Vince had convinced Paul that riding bikes saved lives by protecting the ozone from nocturnal emissions.
“Sanford Stewart!” he bellowed.
“So loud,” Corey murmured, taking another sip of his coffee.
“Look,” I started. “It’s not what you think—” and Vince stood behind him, waving his arms frantically at me, as if trying to tell me that probably wasn’t the best thing to say.
Paul narrowed his eyes at me. “Not what I think? Not what I think? So is it or is it not true that you and Darren Mayne were never really together to begin with?”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay. It’s exactly what you think.”
“You were Freddie Prinze Junioring us the whole time!”
I frowned. “No, I was Meryl Streeping you.”
“That’s not even a real thing!”
“And Freddie Prinze Junioring is?”
“Is there any more coffee?” Vince asked Corey. “I feel like this is going to go on for a long time.”
“I’m Zen,” Corey said.
“I know what that means because of Asia,” Vince said.
“To the couch!” Paul cried.
PAUL, VINCE, and Corey sat on the couch. I sat opposite them in a kitchen chair Paul had dragged to the living room. All three of them had stern looks on their faces. Well, Paul did. Vince and Corey tried to have stern looks, but Corey was Zen and Vince didn’t really understand how to be stern. So he arched an eyebrow and frowned, but then he grinned at me and winked. To say I was confused would be an understatement.
“You know why we’re here,” Paul said.
“If I say no, can you go away?” I asked.
“That won’t ever happen,” Paul said. “We’re all together. For life.”
“Don’t you threaten me,” I said. “I know my rights. I don’t have to sit here and—”
“It’s after eight,” Corey said, sighing as he pulled his hair back and tied it off with a rubber band from his wrist. “I’m done being Zen. Shit’s about to get real.”
“I’m just here because I love you,” Vince said to me. “Are you comfortable? Would you like a granola bar or a glass of water?”
“I’m good,” I said. “Also, Paul, you’re still wearing your bike helmet. You look ridiculous. I can’t believe you wore that willingly and there is no possible way I can take you seriously now.”
“The chin strap on my other one broke,” Paul muttered, pulling the Hello Kitty helmet off. “And Vince made us ride bikes over this morning because he said that it would help me cool down.”
“It didn’t,” Vince said, wincing. “I’ve never seen someone bicycle angry before.”
“I didn’t bicycle angry.”
“You were glaring and pumping your thighs really hard.”
“So, like, a normal weekend for you two, then?” Corey asked them.
I snorted and tried to cover it up as Paul shot a glare at me. I felt remarkably chastised over it, and I wondered just how much trouble I was in. I tried to think about how I’d feel if Paul kept such a monumental thing from me and realized I’d probably cut off his balls.
This was not good.
“Where are the others?” I asked, somewhat nervously.
“We didn’t tell them,” Paul snapped. “Do you know what this would do to my parents? To Nana? Sandy, she’s already got one foot in the grave. This would kill her.” He huffed out a breath. “Okay, it probably wouldn’t because she’ll most likely outlive us all and she and Johnny Depp will spend an eternity sitting on my grave and hurling insults at my corpse, but the point remains the same.”
“Um,” Vince said. “What was the point again?”
“The point was—” Paul stopped. “Shit. The point was that… huh. I don’t know if I had a point.”
“You don’t need points,” Vince said, patting Paul’s knee. “You can just talk. That’s what you normally do.”
“I don’t think that was a compliment like you think it was,” Paul said.
“Oh, I know,” Vince said.
“Zing.” Corey high-fived Vince behind Paul’s head.
“Bunch of dicks,” Paul grumbled. “What were we talking about?”
“Your parents and Nana,” Corey said, picking up Wheels. He unlatched the cart from his butt and started rubbing his stomach. Wheels, the slut, let his tongue loll out and his eyes rolled back in his head.
“Right,” Paul said. “That was the point. They love you. And you lied to them. You lied to all of us.”
“To be fair,” I said, “it wasn’t all of you. Charlie knew. And Darren. And Mike. And I think Corey almost figured it out.”
Corey nodded. “I did.” Then he shook his head. “Okay, that was a lie. I didn’t figure it out at all. I just wanted to sound cool like the rest of you.”
“Oh my god,” Paul groaned. “You guys, we have to stick with the plan!”
I arched an eyebrow at the three of them. “There was a plan?”
“I get to be Good Cop,” Vince said proudly. “And Paul is Bad Cop.”
“Vince!” Paul said. “You weren’t supposed to tell him!”
“What’s Corey?” I asked.
“Corrupt Cop,” Corey said. “I side with whichever person benefits me and the situation the most.”
“I wanted to be Corrupt Cop,” Vince said with a pout. “But Paul said I couldn’t because I’d always side with him. And yeah, I would have because he is my most favorite person in the world, but I still could have done it.”
“We discussed this,” Paul told him. “You’re so in love with me that choosing any side other than mine causes you physical pain.”
“No, you said that you would cause me physical pain,” Vince reminded him.
“Same difference,” Paul said.
“Paul beats me,” Vince announced solemnly. “But I can’t leave him because he’s my baby’s daddy and I love him and I swear he’s gonna change.”
Corey grimaced. “You guys have really weird sex games.”
“You should see his sex face when I do this one thing with my thumb,” Vince said. “It’s like Super Mega Sex Face and—”
“Intervention!” Paul growled.
“I thought you said this was actually supposed to be an interrogation instead.”
“I know,” Paul whispered back, as if I couldn’t hear the both of them. “But we’re telling him it’s an intervention just so he’s more willing to believe us.”
“What they said,” Corrupt Cop agreed.
Paul elbowed Vince.
“Should I start now?” Vince asked, looking suddenly nervous.
Paul sighed.
Vince looked at me and coughed. He winced slightly, did this weird thing with his eyes where he sort of squinted at me, and then I was suddenly hit by the amazing power that was his full-on smile, wide and bright and beautiful. He looked so soft and warm and kind and I just loved him.
“Hi, Sandy,” he said smoothly.
“Hi, Vince,” I said.
“We’re all here today because we love you,” he said.
“So much love,” Corey said. “Listen to Vince. He knows what he’s talking about.”
“Are you okay?” Vince asked. “Can I get you anything?”
“No,” I said honestly. “I feel really good.”
“Good,” Vince said. “Can we talk about—”
“How could you possibly think you’d get away with this?” Paul snarled at me, slamming his hands on the coffee table.
“Meep,” I said, because it was terrifying.
“Yeah,” Corey said. “Is that what you thought? That you’d get away with this? How could you have thought that? Are you insane?”
“It wa
sn’t about getting away with anything—”
“Did I say you could talk?” Paul asked.
“Yeah,” Corey said. “Did he say that? I didn’t hear it, and last time I checked, I had perfect hearing.”
“Hey, guys,” Vince said, voice calm and even. “Maybe we should just cool down a little bit. There’s obviously a good explanation for everything. It’s not going to do any of us good to yell.”
“Good idea, Vince,” Corey said. “I bet there’s a perfectly good reason.”
“Or he’s just full of shit,” Paul muttered.
“So full,” Corey said, shaking his head at me.
I gaped at them. “What the fuck is wrong with the three of you?”
“Says the guy that decided to tell everyone he was in a relationship with another guy so he could somehow keep a gay bar open at the request of a skeevy owner who has no scruples whatsoever,” Paul said. “Does that sound about right?”
“Ooh,” Corey said. “What you got now, pretty man? Anything? I don’t think you have anything.”
“Don’t talk like you know what this is about,” I snapped at Paul. “Because honestly? You don’t know shit about this.”
“Really,” Paul said, sounding dubious. “I don’t know shit.”
“It wasn’t like this hurt anyone,” I said, glaring at him. “Everyone knew exactly what this was. I didn’t lie to anyone involved in this.”
“That’s right,” Paul said. “So you just thought you’d drag Darren in on this, knowing how he felt about you. I know you, Sandy. Probably better than everyone. And I know that you’re not that cruel.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked. “Darren couldn’t get involved in this any quicker than he did. He didn’t even fucking hesitate. And how he felt about me? Are you out of your—”
“And why do you think that is?” Paul asked. “Why do you think he didn’t fucking hesitate?”
“No hesitation,” Corey said. “Not even a smidge.”
“Because he saw a chance to use me just like I was using him.”
“Jesus Christ.” Paul sounded shocked. “You actually believe that. You’re so goddamned stupid.”
“Hey,” Vince said. “There’s no need for name-calling. We’re all on the same side in this interro—I mean, intervention.”
“I have told you,” Paul said to me, “for years how Darren felt about you.”
“It’s not like that—”
“Have I ever lied to you? When it counted.”
Goddammit. “No.”
“Would I ever do anything to hurt you intentionally?”
Feelings suck ass. “No.”
“Then why the fuck would you not believe this?” he asked, outraged.
“Yeah,” Corey said. “Why the fuck?”
“You know what?” Vince said. “I’m with them. Why the heck?”
And that was the crux of it, really. I was not a stupid man. I knew things. I knew many things (granted, most of it was useless information, but whatever). But even I could see that I was being an idiot about this whole thing. It wasn’t necessarily a Come-To-Jesus moment, as it’d been building far too long for a lightning-struck epiphany out of nowhere, but it was close. Darren as I saw him now could say whatever he wanted until he was blue in the face, and I probably wouldn’t have trusted it. Corey and Vince could try and convince me of his good intentions for hours on end, and I might not have believed them.
But Paul?
Paul was different. Vince and Corey were part of my family, but Paul was more than that. He was the one I trusted the most, the one I knew would never steer me wrong, even if we somehow found ourselves far off course (which, honestly, we often were). That’s just who he was. Even when Vince came into our lives and Paul was worrying about how someone could actually fall in love with him, he never left me behind in the dust. In fact, he even went as far to make sure I wasn’t jealous of his newfound hot piece of ass.
Paul was loud. He was obnoxious. He was crass and rude and self-deprecating to the point it made you want to pull your hair out.
But he was also one of the greatest people I knew.
He was my family.
My bottom lip wobbled.
Paul’s breath hitched in his chest.
“Oh no,” Vince breathed.
“What’s happening?” Corey asked, eyes wide.
“They’re getting emotional,” Vince said, sounding scared. “It happens every now and then. You need to run. Save yourself.”
“What about you?” Corey asked.
“It’s too late for me,” Vince said, resigned to his fate. “Paul will never let me go. You have to get out of here, Corey. Jesus Christ, go!”
A big tear slid down Paul’s cheek right as he snapped his hand out and grabbed Corey by the arm, holding him in place.
“What’s happening!” Corey squeaked, struggling in Paul’s grip.
“We would really appreciate if you were here with us for emotional support,” Paul said, voice cracking.
Vince sighed. “You should have left when I told you. It’s too late now. All you can do is let it happen.”
Corey tried to pull his arm away, but Paul held fast. “That sounds like something someone would say after they’ve roofied me.”
“It’s pretty much the same,” Vince said. “It’s extremely uncomfortable, there are a lot of bodily fluids, and it’s easier when you don’t try and fight it. It’ll be over soon.”
“I do trust you,” I said roughly.
“Do you?” Paul tried to wipe his face, but didn’t want to let go of Vince or Corey, so he brought up Corey’s hand and used that instead.
“Is that your snot?” Corey shrieked.
We ignored him. “You know I do,” I said. “I promise. I trust you.”
“Then why did you do this? Why did you keep this from me?”
“I… just. I thought maybe I could do this. This one thing. Okay? I thought that I could help Mike out. I thought I could help save Jack It.”
“But with Darren of all people.”
“It was Mike’s idea,” I said weakly.
“That you went along with,” Paul pointed out. “Sandy, I have never been disappointed in you. Ever. Until this moment.”
“I’m sorry!” I wailed.
“You should be!” Paul wailed back.
“Vince!” Corey cried. “We have to get out of here!”
“I’ve already accepted that I won’t,” Vince said serenely. “It’s best if you just do the same.”
“I don’t understand how this even happened,” Paul sniffed. “How are you a real person?”
And it spilled from me then. The entire sordid tale. Going back to my first encounter with Darren and his assholish ways, all through our tumultuous relationship. I delved into the fake-dating scheme to save Jack It, how close Darren and I seemed to get, the way I thought I was changing my mind about him. Then the fallout after Thanksgiving and seeing those text messages from Caleb on his phone, ending with the twink bidding an egregious amount of money and how Darren had looked so pleased by that fact. By the time I finished, I was wrung out, my voice hoarse and face wet.
Silence fell as everyone absorbed the tragedy that was my life.
Then:
“Okay, but, wait,” Vince said, scrunching up his face adorably. “So why were you fake-dating again?”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Didn’t you hear anything I just said? We had to do it to save Jack It!”
“No, I got that part. And the part where Mike asked you to seduce Darren to get to my dad. But then you told Darren about it right away.”
“Like a little bitch,” Corey muttered.
“What?” I asked sharply.
“What?” he asked, batting his eyelashes at me. Wheels was fast asleep, snoring, his remaining paws twitching.
“So, if Darren knew about it,” Vince said slowly, “and there was no need to fake it for any reason, why did you?”
I was g
etting slightly irritated. “Vince, you’re not listening. We did it obviously because….” I paused, frowning. “We needed to make sure that… we needed the… it was because there was the…. Andrew Taylor… gay bar… the crack babies. I mean, it was to help the… huh.”
They all stared at me.
“There was no point in you fake dating Darren?” Paul asked incredulously.
“There was,” I said, trying to keep control of the conversation. “He made me.”
“Made you,” Paul repeated. “Made you how?”
“By saying he wouldn’t help me get to his father!” I frowned. “Wow. Now that I take a step back and think on it, I don’t know which one of us was the bigger douchehole.”
“You are,” Paul said immediately. “You’re the biggest douchehole.”
I glared at him.
He rolled his eyes. “And since when can anyone make you do anything you don’t want to do?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Vince said. “Sandy really did want to date Darren.”
“I didn’t! I didn’t even like him when this whole thing started.”
“Sure you did,” Vince said. “Subconsciously.”
“Are you teaching him new words again?” I snapped at Paul. “That’s not—okay. Wait. What if I subconsciously wanted to date Darren and the real reason I agreed was because I wanted to get all up in that shit?”
“Oh my god,” Paul said. “That’s genius. How did you think of that?”
“That is literally what I just—” Vince started to say.
“It just came to me,” I said.
“Dawning realizations are my favorite realizations,” Corey said.
Vince sighed. “So you agreed because you wanted him. And he wanted you too. You were really dating. Sort of.”