by T. J. Klune
“You mean how we were essentially tricked into being together because we couldn’t figure it out ourselves?”
“Yes. That.”
He leaned forward and kissed me, lingering and sweet. “You know we’re going to have to thank him eventually.”
“Fuck him,” I said with a scowl. “Maybe thirty years from now when he’s cold in the ground and we’re spitting on his grave, I’ll entertain the thought. And then I’ll banish it from my head and we’ll go get tacos or something.”
“That’s pretty much what I expected from you.” He shook his head. “I have no problem with—” He stopped himself, looking back up at me like he’d been shocked.
“What?” I asked.
“You want us to be spitting on his grave together in thirty years?” he asked, voice tentative, almost shy. “And then getting tacos?”
I frowned. “Well, yeah. I don’t—oh. Um. I see what you mean. I mean, we don’t have to be together in thirty years. To spit on anything. If you don’t want to. I didn’t mean to imply that we’d—”
He kissed me again, more desperately this time, his tongue against mine. I squeaked into his mouth as his hands started roaming to more southerly destinations. “Yes,” he said against my lips, breath hot, hands on my ass. “We’re going to spit on his grave in thirty years. And eat tacos. Together.” And then he kissed me again, pressing me up against the trailer.
It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.
Epilogue: A Raging Case of Sequelitis
“MERRY CHRISTMAS,” Johnny Depp screamed. “Paul Auster is a bloody poofter!”
“What the hell,” Paul groaned from his spot on the couch next to Vince. Christmas music played low in the background. Wrapping paper lay strewn about the floor, presents piled up at our feet. We’d get it cleaned up, eventually. For now, though, we were content sitting in Matty and Larry’s living room watching Wheels tear through the paper like it had offended him personally. Well, content until Johnny Depp opened his beak and started dropping homophobic rants as he was wont to do.
“Don’t you glare at me, Paul Auster,” Nana said. “He gets that from Downton Abbey. He likes watching BBC.”
“Put his blanket over his cage,” Paul said. “At least he’ll be quiet, then.”
“It’s Christmas,” Nana said. “Family should be together. God bless us, everyone.”
“Johnny Depp’s not my family,” Paul muttered as Vince patted his hand.
“Maybe I’ll put a blanket on you,” Nana said.
“Come at me, bro,” Paul said.
“Fuck your face!” the parrot called.
“Language,” Larry said with a frown. He and Matty were sitting in chairs pulled from the dining room table. They sat hand in hand next to the Christmas tree. He wore the ugliest Christmas sweater I’d ever seen, something he’d stitched himself that was supposed to show the crucifixion of Jesus, but instead looked like Jesus was eating a meatloaf with a rather large goat.
“Be nice, Johnny Depp,” Vince said.
“Pretty. Pretty, pretty!”
“Do you think it’s healthy that a bird has a crush on my brother?” Darren asked me, arm warm and heavy around my shoulders as we sat on the floor, backs against the couch.
“Probably not.” I leaned my head back on his arm. “But then I don’t know if there’s really anything healthy about this family. It’s sort of our gift.”
“What a lovely thing to say,” Matty said, smiling down at me. “Did you hear that, Larry? Sandy thinks we’re gifted.”
“Of course we are,” Larry said. “It also probably helps that we’re a very attractive group of people. We should consider doing a family Christmas card and releasing it to the world like those soul-sucking monsters that I love do on TV.”
“Do I even want to know?” Paul asked.
“Your father likes the Kardashians,” Matty said.
“I want to get collagen injections in my lips,” Larry said.
“And butt implants,” Matty whispered loudly in his ear.
“And butt implants,” Larry said. “Because I like the way they work it.”
“Do it,” Kori said. She sat next to Paul and Vince on the couch. “Do both of those things. Then I will teach you how to twerk.”
“I’m going to get down with my bad self,” Larry announced.
“Jesus Christ,” Paul muttered. “Every Christmas.”
“I once got down with my bad self,” Nana said. “Back in the year 2013. It was a different time then. We could get down and no one would even bat an eye. Now, you can’t even show your nipples in public unless you’re breastfeeding. How unfair is that?”
“Okay, wait a minute,” Sherry Mayne said. She’d driven down from Phoenix at an invitation from Larry and Matty to spend the holidays with us. Darren had been shocked when he’d heard, like he’d still had a hard time believing any of this was real, then shyly pleased. I had wanted to wreck him after seeing that look. “That was only two years ago.”
“Right?” Nana said with a snort. “Thanks Obamacare.”
“I don’t think I understand what that means,” Sherry said, looking perplexed. She was the last person on the couch, next to Kori, squished in tight.
“No one does,” Matty said. “That’s why we just smile and nod.”
Sherry smiled and nodded at Nana.
“Darren,” Nana whispered.
“Yeah?”
“I think your mom is flirting with me. What do I do? Do I smile back? Or do I show her the flogger Charlie got me?”
“Oh my god,” Darren said.
“You can’t use the flogger yet,” Charlie said from his spot in the recliner. His feet were propped up, and he was running his fingers lovingly over the leather jacket Paul and I had gotten him for Christmas. It’d been expensive, probably more so than any other gift I’d bought, but it’d been worth it to see the look on his face when he’d opened it. I swear I even saw a tear or two, even though Charlie said I needed to shut my mouth before he spanked me in front of my boyfriend.
“You’re still building up the arm strength for it.”
“I’ve been practicing,” Nana said.
“On who?” Matty asked. “Mom, you know you can’t go around in public flogging people. Not again.”
“I know that,” Nana said. “I have a mannequin that I use.”
“And where did you get the mannequin?” Larry asked.
“Well, I certainly didn’t steal it from Sears while wearing my pantyhose over my face if that’s what you’re asking,” Nana said. “Also, on a completely unrelated note, I’m not allowed back in Sears anymore. But that’s okay, because it always smelled like old popcorn and cats in there, anyway.”
“Mom,” Darren said. “Don’t flirt with Nana. You’re straight.”
“Ish,” Nana coughed.
“What?” Darren asked, going pale.
Sherry rolled her eyes. “So I experimented in college. Everyone does it. I went through my bra-burning, no armpit shaving, dating women phases just like everyone else.”
“I didn’t get to have one of those phases,” Matty said sadly.
“Do you want to?” Larry asked. “I could probably be okay with it. Except for the dating women thing.”
“You did what?” Darren asked, sitting up and turning to look up at his mother.
“Don’t be such a prude, Dare,” Sherry said.
“I don’t think Darren knows what that word means,” Kori said.
“Hey,” I said. “That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about. But that’s entirely accurate.”
“Thanks for backing me up,” Darren grumbled.
“Anytime, bae.” I kissed his cheek.
“And I also probably want you to keep shaving your armpits,” Larry said to Matty. “Not that I don’t respect you as a woman and an individual, I just don’t think I could find that attractive.”
Matty smiled at him. “That was the nicest way I’ve ever heard anyone try
and stifle my gender.”
“If you’re going to try and date me,” Nana said to Sherry, “you should probably know that I get a little weird.”
“I already guessed that part,” Sherry said.
“I don’t think you have any room to talk,” Charlie told me. “Mike told me about what you and Darren—”
“And that’s enough of that story,” I said quite loudly. “Because there are other more important things to talk about.” And I wanted to stay as far away from Darren’s and my relationship being involved in the conversation until quite a long time from now. We hadn’t told the parents or Nana about the whole fake dating fiasco, and had no plans to. It was just easier to let them believe we’d been together all along. I could keep a lid on it. Easy. No worries.
Okay, maybe there was a little bit of worry.
“And you probably shouldn’t burn your bras,” Larry said. “Because you look nice in them, and also, they’re expensive. I should know. I see them on the credit card statement.”
“Maybe I just wouldn’t wear them at all,” Matty said.
“Whoa,” Larry said. “That opens up a whole other avenue of discussion.”
“Of which we probably shouldn’t be having right now,” Paul cut in.
“If you’re going to be Nana’s girlfriend,” Vince told Sherry, “you have to watch telenovelas with her. They’re not like normal shows because they’re not in English and they have, like, four hundred episodes a month.”
“No one is being anyone’s girlfriend.” Darren sounded like he was on the verge of panicking.
“Like she’d be able to resist after she sees me twerk,” Nana said. “I’m hot like burning.”
“You should just let your freak flag fly,” Kori told her.
“I don’t know what I just got myself into,” Sherry said.
“That’s okay,” Matty said. “It’s pretty much a normal feeling around here. Remind me to include you in our group text message chats from here on out. The things you’ll hear in them will put hair on your chest.”
“I don’t think that’s quite how that works,” Larry said.
“Probably,” Matty said. “Because I don’t have a hairy chest yet.”
“Weird,” Larry said. “Apparently, I’m not okay with you having hairy armpits, but I’d be fine with a hairy chest. Why is that? Is that my own freak flag flying?”
“Why were you making out with women?” Darren asked his mom.
“I didn’t make out with them,” Sherry said. “Okay, well I did. And so much more.”
“Boom,” Kori said, high-fiving Sherry.
Darren made a sound like a gazelle getting attacked by a lion.
Everyone stopped talking and stared at him.
Darren clapped his hand over his mouth and blushed brightly.
“What the hell was that?” Charlie finally asked.
“I didn’t know men could make noises like that,” Nana said.
“I didn’t know humans could make noises like that,” Matty said.
“He always did make the strangest sounds when he was a kid,” Sherry said fondly. “Once, for like a whole month, he walked around trying to make dolphin noises because he’d heard it on a show on TV.”
“He must have been so sweet when he was little,” Kori said. “I wonder what changed.”
“Actually, this happened when he was seventeen,” Sherry said.
“There it is,” Paul said. “And actually, that makes so much more sense now.”
“Bro,” Vince said to Darren. “You’ve been holding out? Why didn’t you tell me you could make dolphin noises?”
And naturally, I had to go and ruin it all with feelings.
“Oh my fucking god,” I blurted out. “I love you so goddamn much.”
The room went silent again as everyone started gaping.
Darren dropped his hand. He opened and closed his mouth. Repeatedly.
It stretched on for a good minute or two.
And then he tackled me.
“Ow, you fucking assbag,” I said, staring up at him.
“Did you mean it?” he demanded.
“Oh no,” Paul groaned. “They’re going to be so gross now.”
“Um, yes?” I said, grimacing slightly.
“Say it again.”
“This is even worse than I thought it would be,” Paul wailed.
“Do I have to?”
“Sandy!”
I sighed. “Fine. I love you. God. Satisfied? You are so fucking needy—”
And he kissed me.
“Is that the first time he’s said it?” Matty asked from somewhere in the room.
“Yeah,” Vince said. “I knew those crazy kids would make it.”
“Wow,” Nana said. “So apparently it’s cool these days to kiss like you’re wanting to eat faces. That doesn’t look hygienic. I didn’t know you were supposed to lick people’s back molars.”
“I’m pretty sure I never wanted to see my son doing this with anyone,” Sherry said. “Especially if it involves the back molars.”
“And people don’t believe me when I say I’m the normal one,” Kori said.
“I don’t think any of us can be considered normal,” Charlie said.
“Speak for yourself,” Paul said. “I’m the most normal person here.”
“Paul took me under the bleachers at school and made me touch his privates!” Johnny Depp bellowed.
“Except for that part,” Paul muttered.
Darren stopped eating my face, pulling back slightly. His eyes were bright, and I almost wanted to start spouting pretty words about his eyes.
I was so fucked.
“Again,” he said hoarsely.
And what the hell. I must have been getting soft in my old age because I said, “I love you.”
And meant every damn word.
“I love you too,” he said.
I tried to keep the smile off my face, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t do it. So I settled on saying, “No shit.”
“This is so nice,” Matty said with a sniff. “I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier. We have new friends. Our family is together. Andrew Taylor is probably getting passed around like a bong at Woodstock. Darren and Sandy finally got their heads out of their asses.”
“Language,” Larry said fondly.
“Exactly,” Matty said. “And Paul and Vince are getting married in just over three months. Everything is so wonderful.”
Then she frowned. “Except….”
Darren and I stopped making out and turned to look over at her, as did the rest of the room.
“Except what?” Larry asked his wife.
And Matty looked at Kori. “Except….”
“No,” Kori said. “Absolutely not.”
“Kori,” Matty said, eyes suddenly dry, a small, scary smile on her face. “My sons have all found love with each other—”
“Maybe you should phrase that differently,” Larry whispered.
“—except for you,” Matty finished. “Even if you’re also my daughter. And I don’t want to see you alone. The world is a big and scary place, and you should have someone there aside from us who has your back. Or even your front. You know we don’t judge you here.”
“Help me,” Kori whispered fervently to the rest of us.
But we did nothing. Because Matty was on a mission.
“So,” Matty said. “Kori. Beautiful Kori. Darling, sweet Kori. Is there a special someone in your life that we possibly need to meddle about so that we can be intrusively involved in your courtship process? I do hope that answer is yes, and even if it’s not, you must at least tell me your type so that I can be on the lookout. For all I know, I’ve passed the love of your life on the streets when I could have stopped him and showed him that picture I carry of you on my phone. You know, the one where you fell asleep while studying and was almost drowned in your soup bowl. So precious.”
Kori looked panicked for a moment. Then her features relaxed and h
er lips curved wickedly.
And I knew what she was going to do. “Get up,” I grunted at Darren. “Oh my god, you have to get up!”
“Why?” Darren asked, frowning down at me.
“We have to stop her! We have to—”
“Darren and Sandy weren’t actually together until two weeks ago because they were faking their relationship the whole time to try and save a gay bar,” Kori rushed out. “And everyone in this room aside from parents and grandparents knew about it.”
“Oh sweat balls,” I sighed.
Matty, Larry, Sherry, and Nana all turned slowly to look at us.
“Um,” I said. “Hey. How are you? You all look good. So good.”
Darren lay his face on my neck, breathing against my throat. “We’re doomed,” he murmured as the parents and one grandparent began to yell over the top of each other at us, each sounding more incredulous than the last.
And you know what?
It was okay.
It was good.
It was better than good, because even as the overdramatic outrage of our family poured over us, even when Paul and Vince jumped in and tried to defend us while also throwing us under the bus, and even when Kori sat back against the couch, a pleased look on her lips in the face of her obvious betrayal, I could feel the smile Darren pressed into my neck, the warm weight of him on top of me, and I knew that regardless of how we’d gotten here, we’d done it together. And would continue to do so for a long, long time, if I had any say in it.
Was it perfect?
No. Of course not.
But I was a queen. And he was the Homo Jock King.
We’d make it work.
We had a grave to spit on, after all.
More from TJ Klune
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Paul Auster doesn’t. Paul doesn’t believe in much at all. He’s thirty, slightly overweight, and his best features are his acerbic wit and the color commentary he provides as life passes him by. His closest friends are a two-legged dog named Wheels and a quasibipolar drag queen named Helena Handbasket. He works a dead-end job in a soul-sucking cubicle, and if his grandmother’s homophobic parrot insults him one more time, Paul is going to wring its stupid neck.