A Fistful of Honey

by Malena Crawford

  “My goodness, aren’t you tall for your age? And those eyes. She’s got an old soul, this one.”

  “Well, thank you for dropping off the doll, Ms. Chukwu. It was nice meeting you,” Alena said brusquely.

  “Oh call me Gloria, honey,” she said, still smiling warmly.

  “Right,” Alena said.

  Gloria sensed Alena’s annoyance.

  “All right, well welcome to the neighborhood. I hope I’ll see you around soon. That goes for you, too, Sweet Pea.” She smiled at Maya then walked away.

  Alena shut the door and muttered to herself, “I hope none of these nosey nut cases think I’m here to make friends.”

  As soon as the words left her lips she was embarrassed for herself. Ms. Chukwu had been nice enough, and it wasn’t as if she couldn’t use a friend.

  ***

  That first night in the new apartment Alena was unbearably restless. The closeness of the walls and ceilings left her no hiding place. The last of the illusion was slipping through her fingers. This nightmare was real, this was her life. She had become exactly what she’d always feared, a black single mother living in poverty. She paced her bedroom restlessly like a caged animal then sank into bed. The lonely sounds of the night flowed around her. Self-pity swirled over her until soon she felt tears sliding down her cheeks. When she heard Maya’s slippers flopping against the linoleum she quickly blotted them away. Maya’s gentle knock sounded on the door. Alena cleared her throat, “Come in, baby.”

  “Mom, I can’t sleep. I don’t like it here. And there are bugs in the hallway.”

  “It’s okay, Maya Bear. Come sleep with Mommy,” she patted the spot beside her.

  “I love you, Mom,” Maya whispered sleepily as Alena held her close and pulled the covers over both of their bodies. In that sacred moment Alena silently promised that she would make it right again. She lay there for an hour more watching the rise and fall of Maya’s breath until her own eyelids relaxed and she too, fell asleep.

  ***

  The orange light of daybreak scattered through the blinds and stung Alena’s eyes. She woke up and got Maya off to summer camp, a two-hour long trek on the A and 4 trains. On her way back to the apartment she heard someone call out to her.

  “Hey what’s up? You the new lady ‘round here, huh?”

  It was a young woman in her early twenties. Her short hair was slicked back with gel, a fake auburn ponytail sprouted from the top. She was curvy and her faded purple jumpsuit fit tightly. Her hands were jammed into the pockets.

  Alena nodded hesitantly at her as she tried to keep moving.

  “I’m Takeah. They call me Tacky. That’s a nice bag you got,” she said, admiring Alena’s lambskin Chanel purse. Takeah had a Caribbean lilt to her voice and one of her front teeth was crowned in gold.

  Alena clutched her handbag to her, picked up her pace, and tried to stop the scowl forming on her face.

  “You gotta lot of style. I saw you roll through here the other day. You got swag. Rich girl swag.”

  Alena nodded again and gave her a half smile. “Thanks.”

  “Your little girl cute, she mixed ain’t she?”

  “Yes. She is. Look, it was nice meeting you but I really have to go.”

  “Oh it’s like that? Damn. Yeah, they said you was stuck up. Whateva.”

  Alena raised her perfectly arched brows and shook her head at the exchange, scurrying into the apartment building and up the stairs back to 3B. As soon as she disappeared through the door, she called Michael.

  “I don’t know if I can do this, Mike. I don’t think I can live here,” she huffed. “What happens when Gabe finds out that I’ve moved his daughter to the ‘hood? He’ll eat me alive in court. One sniff of this place and they’ll give Maya to him for sure.”

  “Well, where else are you going to go, Alena?” he asked sternly.

  “My unemployment should start coming in about a month or so. Maybe I can pull together enough to move to Fort Greene.”

  “Leen, it’s your life. But I’m going to keep it real with you. You’re dead broke. Not forever, but right now, you are. What do you think you’ll get in Fort Greene with an unemployment check?”

  “But what about Maya? What about the quality of life she’s used to?” she said.

  “You have a home and that’s what Maya needs right now. And a mother with her head on straight so she can make her next move. What I want you to do is ask yourself why you care so much about a man who couldn’t be bothered long enough to let you know that all of this was coming? Seriously, where the hell is your husband? Where was he when his daughter was on the brink of having nowhere to go? Stop worrying about shit that doesn’t matter and wake up. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but you have to open your eyes, Alena. You’re not on Fifth Avenue but you’re not homeless either. Take what you’ve been given and make it work. You of all people can do this.” Before Alena could reply he said, “I have to run okay? Later.” Alena heard the line click off and for a moment she still held the phone to her ear.

  The shock of Michael’s unusually sharp tone left her dazed. She replayed the conversation in her mind. He was angry with her. He was losing his patience. She didn’t want lose him, too. She couldn’t. He was the only one left in the world that cared about her. Her last crutch was sliding from her grip. Alena’s heart sank as his words echoed again, “wake up.”

  FOUR

  Eleven days. That was how long it took Gabriel to call her after the loss of their marital home. It was just one more of all the ticking time bomb secrets he had kept from her. Alena was at a café finishing her new daily ritual of scouring the Internet for jobs when his call came through.

  “What do you want?” She answered with all of the pent-up anger she’d been barely holding in check.

  “Calm down, Alena. I don’t need you getting emotional,” he said.

  “Emotional? You bail on us, our home is foreclosed, we’re left homeless, and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?”

  “Look, I tried to stop that. They weren’t supposed to take the penthouse. I had some business outside the country that took me away but I knew you would be fine.”

  “Bullshit! I hate you! You knew we were losing the penthouse and you didn’t say one damn word. Turn your back on me, fine. But your own daughter? And then you have the nerve to try to take her from me? You filed for sole custody? You’ll rot in hell, Gabe. Do you hear me?”

  “Spare me the histrionics,” he spat. “I didn’t call to argue with you, Alena. I don’t owe you one damned thing. Get that through your head. Like I said, the penthouse was a casualty, a misunderstanding, and I’m taking care of it. Anyway, I called to speak to Maya. I want to see her.”

  “Do you really, you selfish bastard? Did you care about your precious girl when you left us to fend for ourselves? Or was it when you were screwing that bitch in my bed?”

  “You are bitter and pathetic. I suggest you stop this little fit while you’re ahead before this gets ugly. You and I were over before Brittany came along, Alena, and you know it. Look, enough of this shit. What you and I are going through has nothing to do with Maya. You know that I’ll do what I need to see my daughter. Now where is she? Has school let out yet?”

  Alena’s courage vanished. The terror of what Gabriel was capable of sobered her. His rich white family had prestige and power, and they could quite easily level her in one power move and take her daughter away from her. Fear replaced the anger and she reverted to her younger self. Gabriel was just like her father, arrogant and manipulative, though like him she still craved his love his power. He had access to everything including skilled divorce attorneys. Meanwhile she was poor and powerless.

  “Where is Maya?” he demanded again.

  She tried to sweeten her tone.

  “My mother’s. We moved to my mother’s house.”

  “You moved to Maryland? Liar! You haven’t spoken to your mother in years. Don’t lie to me, Alena. You know what, never mind I’ll
find out myself.”

  Panic surged through her stomach and throbbed in her throat, trapping all of the sophisticated words she wanted to use to lash back at him.

  “Okay, okay. Gabe, you’ll see her, okay? Tomorrow. Central Park at four o’clock by the carousel.”

  “All right,” he said.

  “Gabe, please don’t take Maya from me. She’s all I have left.” Desperation had faded her voice to a whisper.

  The phone clicked as he hung up. It took only moments for paranoia to settle over her.

  What if he takes Maya from the school? The thought sent another wave of panic and she scrambled into action. Her mind raced past her body which was clumsily trying to keep up. Oh God, oh my God. My baby. Help me God.

  Alena hurried from the café to the corner and hailed a taxi cab to her daughter’s day camp. Her heart beat wildly even after she spotted Maya’s face beaming in the sea of children. She didn’t calm down until she was holding her. When she did, she almost collapsed with relief.

  “I’m so happy to see you, Maya Bear!” She exclaimed and planted kisses all over Maya’s face.

  “Hi Mom,” Maya looked at Alena suspiciously. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, just glad to see my baby. Let’s go home.”

  Alena tried to bury her anxiety for Maya. At the apartment, she sat at the edge of her bed and spoke gently. “You’re going to see your dad tomorrow,” she said quietly.

  “Tomorrow? Woo-hoo! I’m gonna see daddy!” Maya sang.

  As much as Alena hated herself for it, Maya’s excitement for her father saddened her. She wanted to be the one her daughter chose and celebrated.

  “That’s right, honey, your daddy’s back.” She forced a brittle smile onto her lips for Maya. “Listen, remember what we talked about the other day, about our new place?”

  “Yes, Mom.”

  “I need you to remember to keep our little secret, okay?”

  Maya nodded impatiently.

  “Maya, can I ask you a question?”

  “Mom, another question?” Maya whined.

  “Are you happy here?”

  Maya looked around her room, up at the ceiling, and then back at Alena.

  “Well, I miss our old house. I miss my old room, too. I don’t have any friends that live this far away and you don’t let me play outside with any of the kids here. They don’t seem that nice anyway.”

  “What I mean is, are you happy with me? Do you like living with me?”

  “Of course, Mom,” Maya said, then nestled against her mother.

  “I know this is all a huge change for you, but I promise you that I’m doing all I can so we can move soon. We’ll have a great home again that your friends can visit. Do you believe me?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Maya, I know you want to live with both of us, but if you had a choice, who would it be? I mean, if your dad wanted you to live with him would that be something you would want?”

  “Ahh Mom!” Maya whined again.

  “I know this is hard but I need to know what you want.”

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk about this. That’s adult business, remember?”

  “You’re right, honey, I’m sorry. I’ll get dinner started, why don’t you get your clothes ready for tomorrow?” Alena weaved her fingers into Maya’s and kissed her small soft hand.

  ***

  The next afternoon, Alena was trembling under her rigid demeanor when Gabriel walked up to them. Her jaws were clenched, and she could barely look him in his eyes. Perhaps she could hide away the wistfulness in hers. She had not expected to feel such a yearning for him. How could her heart be so damned foolish? It scared her to know that she still wanted someone she would never have, and who wanted nothing to do with her. It incensed her.

  She’d hoped the hatred she felt toward him would have helped her stop loving him, but it hadn’t. As usual Gabriel seemed unfazed and confident. He was as handsome as ever; face tanned olive, piercing gray-green eyes flecked with topaz, angular chiseled jaw just like one of those Abercrombie models plastered over Times Square. He was dressed down in steel gray slacks and a slate blue collared shirt. The sleeves were rolled up to the elbow revealing his sculpted forearms. She stole a quick glance at his bare ring finger.

  “Daddy!” Maya squealed, jumping into his arms.

  He spun her around but said nothing to Alena. There was no sign of his old affections. It was as if she wasn’t standing there. She was no longer a part of their dynamic, ousted from their family. She was now the ex-wife. Excluded. Expelled. Dismissed. The realization socked her in the gut, directly behind a trace of envy. How she wished Gabriel’s eyes lit up for her the way they did for Maya. Just a split second of love was all she needed. What had she done to make his heart turn so cold toward her?

  Gabriel held Maya close as they chatted. To Alena’s relief, he didn’t ask Maya where they were living.

  “Mom! Did you hear that Mom? Daddy is taking me to see the Lion King!”

  “That’s great, honey.” Her forced smiles were more like painful winces now.

  Gabriel hugged Maya and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Wait here while your mother and I have a quick chat, princess.”

  Maya nodded cheerfully.

  He finally addressed Alena. “So, where did you move to?” He asked with the coldness of an old enemy.

  “It’s safe and it’s close, okay?”

  “Where, Alena?” he demanded.

  Alena looked down at the ground, silent.

  Gabriel looked at Maya who was sitting on the bench three feet behind them. “Keep your secrets Alena. They’re only going to hurt you,” he warned.

  “Listen, Gabe, please promise me that you’ll bring her right back tonight. Please. Call me and I’ll meet you anywhere in the city.” She felt him reading her, sensing the fear in her.

  “Of course, Alena. She stays with you. For now,” he warned as he walked over to Maya. Alena stood watching with fear as he left with her.

  ***

  Hours passed, and exhausted Alena had fallen asleep in her apartment only to be awakened by a chirping smoke detector.

  “Oh crap!”

  She leapt off the bed, she had only gone there to close her eyes for five minutes while the chicken browned, and then fanned smoke from the blackened mound in the charred pan.

  “No no no!” she cried.

  She ran water over the ruined meal and then slammed the pan into the sink.

  “What the hell are we going to eat now?” She growled as she scraped the scorched remains of the last of her groceries into a trash bag and headed out the door with it. In her haste the black plastic snagged on the doorjamb ripping the bottom, leaving all of its contents in the hallway. Alena pounded the door with the heels of her hands.

  “I can’t take any more of this!” she screamed.

  The door to 3A opened, startling her. She looked up to see her new neighbor Gloria standing in the doorway.

  Alena looked down at the mess, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I just had a little accident.”

  “Oh, honey, I’ve had plenty of days like that. Let me help you.” Gloria walked back into her apartment and returned with a new trash bag and a broom.

  “Thank you,” Alena said.

  “Smells like you burned something up pretty good.”

  What does this old lady want? Alena thought.

  “Yes, I fell asleep and well, the whole thing is gone now.”

  “Why don’t you and your little girl join me for dinner?” Gloria asked.

  “We can’t. I’m sorry,” Alena said quickly.

  Gloria laughed heartily then smiled with motherly assurance. “I don’t bite, sugar.”

  “No, it’s not that. It’s getting late, I think I’ll just order some takeout. But thank you, it’s very kind of you to offer.”

  “All right, well if you change your mind I’m right next door. And by the way, I do make a mean pecan pie.”

  Gloria’s smile was so swee
tly genuine that Alena decided she could definitely use the company and the meal.

  “Wait. On second thought, yes. Yes, I will join you,” she smiled. “Do I need to bring anything?”

  “Just yourself and that sweet baby of yours,” Gloria said.

  “My daughter is with her dad for a few hours,” Alena said, her voice trailing off to a whisper.

  “Okay,” Gloria smiled back. “It’ll be just us girls then. Hopefully next time she can join us.” Something in her voice soothed Alena and her hesitation disappeared.

  To Alena’s astonishment and delight, Gloria’s apartment was magically beautiful. Its joyful array of colors were delightful. A grand piece of artwork covered almost every inch of the saffron painted walls. Most of the art was African, original paintings, richly-colored framed cloths, tribal masks, bronzes, and relics framed in shadowboxes. And the air was thick with the scent of sandalwood incense.

  “Have a seat and make yourself comfortable. Dinner’ll be ready in just a bit,” Gloria called from the kitchenette. “Would you care for some tea?”

  “Yes, please. Tea would be wonderful,” Alena called back.

  She sat on the sofa sinking into the deep cushions. The apartment was meticulously furnished with rare antiques, like the gilded Klismos chairs, and the crimson tufted sofa. Alena noticed a large painting of a chocolate-skinned Mother Mary and Jesus. It was so breathtaking that it stood out from the elegant decor. “My God,” She heard herself say aloud.

  Life seemed to stir behind Mother Mary’s eyes. Its haunting radiance invigorated Alena and made her want to reach out and touch it. It was as if this Mary and Jesus were beckoning her to join them. She smiled, mesmerized by the image.

  “This painting is absolutely gorgeous, Miss Gloria,” Alena called out.

  Gloria ducked her head into the living room to see which piece she was referring to. She smiled and placed a palm over her heart.

  “Thank you. Yes, the Black Madonna. My love. That was my husband’s favorite. It’s mine too.”

  Gloria set a hot mug of jasmine tea on a saucer in front of Alena.

  “She’s a healer, you know.” She gave Alena a mysterious smile and a wink as if they were in on the same secret. Puzzled, Alena blew ripples over her steaming drink and changed the subject as Gloria went back into the kitchenette.