by Walter Witty
BIPARTISAN– Another word for “fantasy,” as in “there’s the signpost up ahead, your next stop the bipartisan zone.”
BODY COUNT– A numbers game played by generals and military appropriations lobbyists (but seldom recruiters) in hopes of maintaining their pensions.
BOOK– A set of bound pages, similar in shape to a TV GUIDE. In the case of the TV GUIDE, a volume with no particular value, but nonetheless purchased as a substitution for all the subjects one might be reading about in order to increase America’s chances at competing in the world market, if anyone had any interest in doing so.
BOOKIE– One who takes bets on sporting events. A sports fanatic’s best friend or worst enemy, he’s numero uno (first) on the speed dial, and also on a first (numero uno) name basis, such as “Tony baby!” (Or “Book’em, Danno.”)
BOOKSTORE– A retail outlet that carries sports biographies and celebrity memoirs, celebrity-endorsed diet and cooking books, celebrity home decorating books, movie and television anthologies, celebrity calendars, “greatest moments in sports” picture books (plus formula romances by reality show stars, and serial killer books penned by one of James Patterson’s 300 co-authors.)
BOREDOM– This is the condition of any sports addict when, for a few fleeting moments, there is no game on the 100 cable channels they follow like moths around a street lamp. Humans are unique because they have developed extremely short attention spans. Only a hummingbird’s is shorter. This is a direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, you will discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawing. Yet today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. Indeed, without the aid of music videos and special effects one can become bored in exactly 64 seconds. Last year it was 67 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero someone will launch their missiles the moment their iPhone battery fails.
BRONZE MEDAL– The medal usually won by Olympians who go into bars and no one knows their name. The most bronze medals ever won is credited to Carl Jablonsky who won his 50th consecutive semi-annual Bronze in the Dallas Chili Cookoff, yet all he could do was cry in his beer at being defeating again (and again) for the Gold and Silver by numerous rivals who placed ahead of him previously. “I’m truly ashamed of myself,” he said. “I’ve lost my self worth, my dignity, my savings, my family, and my will to keep on cooking.” Bobby Flay never called him for a Throw Down, although he used humane grass-fed beef instead of the Gold winning grain-fed beef from the Texas Longhorn Extermination Camp. Today, bronze medal winners are required to rent from EconoCar, since they don’t merit Avis, whose new slogan is, “We buy silver!”
BUDDISM– This is the belief in the present moment with your sports buds representing reality. Or as Yogi Berra said on his deathbed, “You will always find the rotten strawberries in the bottom of the tray. Who among you believes it will not be so? And yet you believe that the nature of man might be transformed somehow by the miracles of science. I say to you, the future is only a dream which will never exist. Though it terrorize, confound, or distract you, it holds no power other than that which you give it. He who would be consumed by fears of the future is like the traveler who peers through a glass and so stumbles on the rocks at his feet. But I say, be consumed with now, for the present moment is all you will ever have. And if you use your every moment to its fullest, then will your future moments be all the more pleasant as you remember the good old days.”
BUSH LEAGUE– First started by Spanky and The Little Rascals in the 1930s. League play extended to a Midland, Texas team known for getting wedgies after losing.
CAPITALISM– The economic system of private ownership. Ball club owners utilize this system when they sell out their fans to move to a better stadium in a richer city.
CARCINOGEN– A substance (like a hot dog) known to cause cancer, but which fans have an affection for ingesting. Especially popular among partiers, day traders, and hell raising Military Channel executives who go to Vegas expecting to return with more money than they had on arrival. And only diseases related to alien abductions.
CARDIOLOGIST– A heart doctor. Someone who cannot help you when your wife or girlfriend leaves you with a broken heart for a younger, thinner stud. Although he may be able to prolong your life long enough to watch the playoffs on your hospital room TV.
CELIBACY– The restraint from sex for moral or personal reasons. Unknown in the NBA.
C.E.O.– Chief Executive Officer. Someone who ruins a company before bailing out of the boardroom with a golden parachute and briefcase full of bonus money. No one considers this ritual a sport yet, but that’s because neither the C.E.O. nor the bank manager with the stopwatch wears umpire stripes. Although they may soon wear prison stripes.
CEREBRUM– The front part of the brain, rarely engaged by WWF fans in favor of the primitive stem area (which also monitors bladder control.)
CLIMATOLOGY– The study of wind, rain, hail, tornadoes, hurricanes, and other weather related catastrophes (i.e. inconveniences) known to delay games.
COKE– An addictive substance known to endorse every politician, sport, emotion, ideology, color, creed, and war. Its market is everyman, its global conquest total, its commercials ubiquitous, and, like Switzerland, it rigorously protects and maintains its own scores (i.e. numbered accounts.)
COMPETITION– The meaning of life for the true sports disciple. The reason for breathing (from counting the seconds a player can hold their breath underwater to counting the heartbeats of high-body-count serial killers on the lethal injection table.)
CRAZY BOY– A special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator.
CUBAN SANDWICH– A 99%er being squeezed on both sides by Mark Cuban and “Mr. Wonderful” in the Shark Tank.
CYCLING– A sport involving the shoplifting of yellow shirts from Sports Authority. Logos may include USPS with red stains, whether from ink or blood, and lead to a lead in the movie PREMIUM RUSH 2.
DELUSION– Something your subconscious mind tells you in order to maintain its irrational beliefs. Such as “This book is (see SHIT) or I’m a brain damaged former cage fighter or NFL fullback.”
DIRECTv– A satellite company that spends more on talent to stage their commercials than they do programming their lineup (which includes 80th-run movies played endlessly between premium channels for patriotic gladiator games held in thick chicken wire cages.)
DYSPEPSIA– The queasy feeling in the pit of one’s stomach that one’s teammate got a better endorsement deal with Pepsi.
END GAME– All the world may be a stage, but the final play will involve brass balls. Face it, if the Second Coming was going down during a bowl game, no one would notice except maybe the Pope, and only because he broke away from the broadcast to take a poop. Our addiction to sports has reached such dangerous levels that if it were transmuted into rads readable on a Geiger counter we’d all look like Calista Flockhart at a fire sale. What we really need is a 12 Step program for sports addicts, with step 12 being the playing of Russian roulette with Dennis Rodman dressed as Sylvia Plath.
END ZONE– On the very first killing fields, after all the rah-rah-rahs, that area which was reserved to pile the bodies of rivals for ritual burning.
EXPUNGED– Eliminated free radicals (agents), sometimes by those too afraid to face the truth, particularly Trilateralist politicians who root for teams named after carnivorous animals.
FAME– The condition of having everyone know your name, not just drunks in some neighborhood bar. Can lead to wild swings between love and hate, or between paranoia and (see: FANCHOSIS.) Famous people rarely carry money, or serve time in jail for crimes up to and including murder. . . although mug shots are widely circulated on the internet and there is a brisk trade in autographed mug shots, otherwise known as “trading cards.”
FAMILY– Historically, a man
and woman with children, part of an entire community of similar families and individuals with common bonds of friendship, shared beliefs, charity and civility. Now, a “family unit” may consist of any number of entities mixed and matched under one roof, and all united by one purpose-–to make it through another day, somehow, under the motto “us against the world.” Rarely does a family member speak to their neighbors, even in subdivisions where you can change the channel on a neighbor’s remote by reaching across window sills. . . although they may say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” when cornered. The typical modern family also owns an SUV or mini-van, which is driven recklessly at high speed to various soccer matches and Wal Marts.
FAN– Short for “fanatical,” misinterpreted as “passionate” by those who enjoy the game of Semantics. (See: PASSION)
FANCHOSIS– A mental disease acquired by celebrities, and caused by too much limelight. The main characteristic is a belief that their fans want to kill them (while the truth is that their images are worshiped, utilizing idols, posters, incense, and facial tattoos.) When the Fanchotic then starts believing their own press releases and statements, a breach with reality ensues, resulting in vertigo, dyspepsia, loss of hair, hives, rectal itch, and recurrent rehab (which are also the side effects of certain steroid drugs.)
FATTIE– Nickname for a pork tapeworm whose flat, ribbon like body has expanded due to being overfed. The head-like scolex of the glutton has both hooks and suckers, which the worm uses to attach itself to the intestines of MAN vs FOOD contestants.
FOOTBALL– A special playbook containing a secret code needed by the Quarterback to complete a long bomb pass, otherwise known as the “Doomsday Play” aboard Air Force One. (See also END ZONE or SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME.)
FRAGNEWTONISM– The philosophy (optical illusion) that the more things remain the same, the more they “change.” Adopted by fans to provide soothing relief to the itch (suspicion) that what they do is static and ultimately meaningless, except in preventing progress and preserving the status quo. (Also the secret philosophy of Congress.)
GLUTTON BOWL– A competition to see who can eat various foods fastest. Organizers are hoping to team with NASCAR in racing food trucks on oval tracks at high speed while texting, but so far have failed to sign any contract since car race tracks are ovals, not bowls. So they are now trying to woo the TOILET BOWL people.
GOD– An alchemy game played by CBN and ESPN in which the L in Larceny is added to create GOLD.
GRANDSTANDING– Making a thousand dollars for standing up in time to catch a fly ball at the end of the World Series. . . which is money you truly need, being out of work.
HAIL MARY– An act of contrition similar to counting one’s rosaries for minor sins committed pre-game. This is in contrast to the Hail or “Heil” Hitler, a salute in anticipation of committing future sins or fouls. For as Adolf said, “Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.” And then, as post-game analysts quote him, “The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force.” (Note: including heavy artillery.)
HATER– Someone whom people ironically and mistakenly hate, forgetting that even Jesus was a hater of sin, “money-changers” (greedy bankers), and “sword play” (fencing), among other sports. (Note: the key to true Godly love, in fact, is to hate the right stuff. Like wilful ignorance or stupidity, complacency or acceptance of sloth and lies, and, of course, televangelists who pass you in their Mercedes like you’re standing still.)
HIGH SCHOOL GRAD– Someone allowed to attend Hamburglar University on a sports scholarship without being able to read their diploma.
HOBBIES– Quaint pastimes mostly supplanted by the hard core TV viewing of cable shows featuring hobbies, much like sports viewing has mostly replaced playing real sports (or walking further than the refrigerator.) Note: all hobby shows combined have nonetheless failed to achieve the success even of The Water Polo Network.
HPG– Stands for the Hollywood Producers Guild, which is being indicted after being unmasked as the perpetrators of the 8th Annual Burbank Screenwriters Conference. (Note: Whistleblower Martin Scuzzlewit managed to escape both the man-eating tigers and the poison-tipped tridents wielded by Stuntworkers Union members by crawling through the catacombs under the Burbank Coliseum. When a pyramid of body parts was found smoldering at the Burbank landfill, Officer Eric Estrada promised to investigate, then confessed he’d been working on a CHIPS sequel between infomercials.)
HUNTING– A curiously unsavory blood sport in which rednecks wait for hours to blow away Bambi’s father with a bazooka, intending to mount the rack above their shotgun in a jacked up Ford F-150. . .before going home to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. (Note: The best way to enrage a hunter is to yell “You call that fast?” when you re-pass them at a red light with your Prius.)
HYPNOCRITE– Televangelist using mind control games to separate you from your nest egg. (Once you come to your senses you will cry like a jockey who just lost at Belmont by a few nostril hairs.)
I.Q.– In sports parlance, an Intelligent Question. A freaking rarity, both in ball games and war games. Or by voters prior to booth games.
JOCK– Someone who bats, rolls, hits, kicks, pitches, bounces, or otherwise propels balls, yet doesn’t realize that there is more to life. Will end up in old age with only a television set, a bag of Fritos, and still no clue about the source of the white light at the end of a tunnel thought to lead into a bigger and better stadium.
JOSEPH SMITH– A man who found buried gold, made a religion of finding more from other sources, and wore itchy underwear. His real name was not Joe Smith but John Doe. Even though he lived pre-Xenu, Joe-John believed only 144,000 people could win favored status with God, but the score was later raised when recruiting efforts proved more successful than predicted, especially in Utah. (Also an unacceptable curse used by competitive treasure hunters when coming up with rusty nails: “Joseph H. Smith!”)
JUNK FOODS– Foods approved by Coke and Pepsi subsidiaries for marketing to kids, yet deemed unsafe for pets.
JUST DO IT– A slogan once popular at Penn State, and now at the State Pen.
KARDASHIAN–- Any shopping list longer than a five burrito fart.
KORUN– The Koran of runners who have actually completed at least one marathon. Includes commandments on diet, several strict dress codes whose violation means death, and several other prohibitions, such as talking to mall walkers.
LAS VEGAS– A city without a major sports franchise, unless you count all the pari-mutuel gambling halls endorsed by Michael Jordan. Or the XFL Outlaws. Or the Chicken Ranch.
LAWN DARTS– Or Jarts. Still a sport, albeit not as popular as ferret legging, since even the official darts can penetrate the unofficial brains of players (while putting a ferret down one’s pants may only result in lost or out-of-bounds balls.)
LEMMING– A rodent who commits suicide by following a crowd of other lemmings off a cliff. Can be a sprinter, a middle distance runner, or a marathoner. Never thinks of changing any rule, game, or end result. Apt to advise others on investments.
LOVE– This is the theoretical motivation behind poetry, art, music, and literature. Theoretical because no ball player has admitted it exists, much less defined it. (Note: a major problem is that with the advent of love games–-resulting in high divorce rates–-we have come to realize that anyone can fall in love with just about anyone, including game show contestants. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, it’s too dark to see what’s going on.)
LUNACIDE–- A weird yet somehow hilarious act perpetrated by a player on a crowd (or on himself) at the expense of reason. Also by an actor attempting to be a comic. (e.g. Clint Eastwood at the RNC.)
LUNACIDAL– When someone feels prone to attempt lunacy, against his better judgment. (e.g. writing this book.)
MAJOR LEAGUE– Describes the severity of a crime only made by minor players in the league. A “m
inor offense” is a felony perpetrated by a major league player.
MARRIED MAN– A homo (erotic) sapien who typically becomes overweight and moribund as time progresses. Known to lose the respect of their “insignificant other” during the various playoffs.
MONEY– Green pieces of paper (soon to be rendered worthless) currently used in transactions such as buying performance enhancing drugs or votes. As the denominations of the bills rise due to hyperinflation, a special watermark will being embossed utilizing the numbers 666, (and will appear next to the two all-seeing eyes–-both crossed–-of the CEO of Bank of America.)
MONOPOLY– A game played by multinational corporations while seeking to hide profits overseas. Also a board game played by the dying middle class while waiting for someone to actually tax those hidden profits. Here are some star’s favorite pieces:
Sack of money– Lloyd Blankfein
Battleship– Paul Ryan
Wheelbarrow– Lloyd Blankfein (for putting sacks of money in)