If the music in the bar hadn’t been so loud, I had no doubt I would have heard a menacing chuckle from deep in his chest. His expression clearly indicated how pleased he was with himself.
“Trust me, I was doing y’all a huge favor.”
The fury I’d worked tirelessly to suppress for so long began to simmer in my blood, rapidly approaching a full, roiling boil. I hadn’t been quick to anger in years, but just like with everything else, Carson seemed to bring out my most restrained emotions.
“How is that your call, asshole?!”
The slow, sexy smile that spread across his face was truly a thing of wonder. Soft, full lips framed a mouth full of brilliant white teeth. One of the front ones was just slightly crooked, giving his grin more character instead of taking away from it. He was handsome in a rugged, manly way, and when he smiled, that sexiness increased exponentially.
“I was right about you,” he spoke, so quietly I almost didn’t hear.
“What?”
“You’re not the shy, little wallflower I thought you were when we first met. I sensed it, but I wasn’t sure until just now. You wouldn’t answer me back at the ranch, but now I know. You got a fire in your belly that’s sexy as hell, sweetheart.”
I couldn’t form a response. Seriously, in an instant, my brain completely shut off and lost all function. My jaw hung slack in preparation, but no words came out.
Lifting the bottle to his lips, Carson finished off the last of his beer and set the bottle back down before standing. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride home.”
The feel of his fingers gripping my arm shook me from my momentary stupor. “Wait…what? No, I told you, I’m here with Lana. We’re not ready to go yet.”
Acting as if he hadn’t heard a word I just said, Carson began pulling me away from the bar, turning back only to call over his shoulder, “Nate, make sure Lana gets home safe, will ya?”
“You got it, man,” Nate yelled back.
The last thing I saw as Carson all but dragged me from the bar was the animated smile that had broken out across Lana’s face. That’s it, starting now she’s being stripped of her ‘best friend’ status. The traitor.
“No offense, Carson, but so far tonight, you’ve had sex in a storage room, warned off any guy who came near me, and dragged me out of a bar. Forgive me if I’m not all gung-ho on riding home with you.”
We were halfway to his truck when he stopped dead in his tracks, releasing a pent-up breath before turning around to face me; however, he still didn’t relinquish hold of my arm.
“Look,” he started, running his free hand through his hair carelessly, making it stand on ends in a way that looked way-too-attractive. I had been sporting a pretty decent pissed when we walked out of the bar, though, I didn’t want anything to detract from that. “If there was one thing about tonight I could take back, it’s that you saw me walking out of that damn closet with that chick…”
My hackles were raised at that statement. With a lift of my chin, I asked, “So, what? You don’t regret having sex with a woman in a public place, it’s the fact that I saw you that you regret?”
He answered with blunt honesty. “Pretty much.”
I couldn’t have stopped my lip from curling in disgust if I wanted to…which I didn’t. “Wow.” I laughed humorlessly. “Let go of my arm. I’m not riding anywhere with you.” I tried pulling from his grasp but his fingers tightened, securing their hold on me.
“Violet, just hold on a second—”
“You’re unbelievable, you know that? You’re allowed to get your rocks off, but if a guy so much as tries to speak to me, you send them running scared. That’s a shitty double-standard, if you ask me.”
“Violet—”
“And stop calling me that! My name is Cassidy. CA-SSI-DY. Not Violet, you assh—”
I was stopped mid-rant when Carson’s lips came down on mine, and not gently, either. I was stunned stiff at the feel of his warm, soft lips working against mine, but just like he’d done with everything that night, he demanded entry into my mouth, running his tongue across the seam of my lips. They parted on a gasp and he lunged, his tongue pressing against my own insistently, as though it was begging to be matched stroke for stroke. It was impossible to resist.
He tasted like mint with just a hint of hops from the beer he drank earlier. The taste was intoxicating. When I released a breathy sigh into his mouth, it seemed to egg him on. One of his arms snaked around my waist while his other hand grabbed hold of my hair, manipulating my head until he had it just where he wanted for maximum use of my mouth.
A tingle started in my belly and slithered its way down between my thighs, igniting a flame that hadn’t been there in so long. I burned, I ached for him, and all he’d done was kiss me. All too quickly—and to my immediate regret—Carson pulled away, ending the kiss. We were both panting heavily. It took several seconds to come back to sanity enough to realize my hands were clutching Carson’s shirt so tight I risked tearing it.
“Wha-what the hell was that?” I asked, taking a step back now that I could once again think clearly. “You can’t just kiss me, Carson! You just had sex with someone else!”
My eyes went wide before narrowing into murderous slits when Carson’s hand came up and covered my mouth. The arrogant prick didn’t seem the least bit concerned.
“Enough. It was the only way I could get you to stop talking.” My look clearly stated I knew he was full of shit, and he actually had the nerve to smirk. “Look, I’m sorry you’re upset that I scared all those douchebags away,” he started. As far as an apology went, he was off to a pretty crappy start. “And yes, I regret that you saw me with that girl. It wasn’t my finest hour, and I’m not happy about that. But I’m not going to apologize for being a single man who took what was offered to him.” He took his hand from my mouth and looked straight at me, those mossy eyes glinting in the lights from the parking lot. “Can you honestly tell me you’ve never had a one-night stand before?”
No, I couldn’t tell him that. I had done a lot of things in the past that I wasn’t happy about. When I stayed silent, Carson took that as a sign to continue.
“If you had told me to leave you alone and meant it, really meant it, I would have. I’m not the type of guy to chase after something I’ve got no business having, but I heard you and Lana talking. I know you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.”
Shit!
“After I heard that, you really think there was any way I was letting some nut-sack anywhere near you?”
“Carson—” I started, but he cut me off by stepping so close I could feel the heat radiating off his skin. It took everything in me not to lean into his touch when he reached up and cupped my cheek, running the pad of his thumb across my lower lip.
“Just hear me out, Violet,” he said emphatically. “I don’t date. I’ve never really dated in my life. But I felt something the minute I laid eyes on you. Until I met you, there’s never been anyone who held my interest long enough to consider something remotely serious. I know you feel the same way. I see it every time your cheeks turn pink or when your breath hitches when I’m around.”
There was a war waging inside of me as he leaned in closer, his lips just a breath from mine. It was like I was being torn in half—one part of me desperate to grab hold of him and never let go, the other screaming at me to run in the other direction. All I could do was stand motionless as he touched me.
“Despite what you saw back there, I’m not a bad guy, and I’m not a cheater. If you give me a chance, I’m all in. What do you say, Violet?”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the onslaught of emotion rushing over me, threatening to knock me down.
I hated myself at that moment for being so weak, for letting my past dictate the present, for being so scared of repeating past mistakes that I couldn’t allow myself the one thing I desperately wanted. “I-I can’t” I choked out.
The moment the words passed my lips, Carson’s warmth was
gone. When I opened my eyes, he’d already put a few feet of distance between us. The look on his face caused a stabbing pain to shoot through my chest. Sorrow mixed with something else in his expression. Was that…resignation? I could see the disappointment in his eyes, but he also looked almost expectant, like he wasn’t surprised by me saying no.
I took two steps in his direction, wanting nothing more than to offer him some sort of comfort. “Carson, please…”
He turned and walked the rest of the way to his truck. “It’s okay, Cassidy. I get it.”
“No, you don’t,” I insisted. He couldn’t possibly. “It’s not you, I swear.” I grabbed hold of his arm once we reached his truck. “I know it sounds like a bullshit cliché, but it’s the truth. Carson, it’s me. It really is all me. I just…I can’t…”
“It’s okay, Cass, really.” His voice was so quiet, so understanding. I hated how defeated he looked. I’d have given anything I could in that moment to get back the self-assured Carson I’d seen just minutes before. “I understand.”
It was lame and completely selfish, but I couldn’t help but ask, “Can we be friends? I’d really love to be your friend, Carson.”
When he reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear, I wanted to cry. “I’d love that, sweetheart.”
The sad smile he offered me didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. He sounded genuine, but his pain was evident.
Before I could utter another word, he unlocked the passenger door and held it open for me. “Let’s get you home, yeah? It’s pretty late.”
I gave him my own pathetic facsimile of a smile as I climbed into the truck. My chest ached the entire way home. Neither of us spoke another word. I spent the entire drive staring out the window into the darkness, wishing I was someone else, someone stronger, someone whose past wasn’t built on the foundation of hurting others, someone who wasn’t weak and ashamed
Someone who deserved a man as good as Carson Langford.
She shot me down.
Not that I was surprised or anything, really. I’d had a lifetime to get used to being unwanted. But that didn’t take any of the sting out of Cassidy’s rejection. Neither of us spoke a word as I drove her home, and the longer the silence remained, the stronger my anger and resentment grew. Not toward Cassidy, but at the miserable, lonely life I’d been forced to live for the past twenty years. Being raised in the foster system led to a long string of disappointments and letdowns. My own parents didn’t love me enough to keep me, and that had set the pace for the rest of my life. I had Navie and a small handful of friends, but other than that, no one else wanted me.
Cassidy’s rejection was just another glaring reminder that I wasn’t good enough. By the time I got home from dropping her off, bitterness had taken over, rooting itself deep within me. I stalked to the kitchen, going straight for the bottle of tequila I kept stashed above my fridge where Navie couldn’t reach it. Twisting the cap off, I put the bottle to my lips and drank as my insides continued to roll furiously. Disappointment turned into pain. Pain morphed into anger. But beneath it all, deep in the recesses, was a sorrow so strong I feared I would choke on it.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
What was so wrong with me that no one wanted me?
I knew better, I really did. I learned years before to never put myself out there. If I didn’t open myself up, I didn’t run the risk of being rejected. But there was just something about Cassidy that clawed at me unrelentingly. I knew it was ridiculous to crave someone I hardly knew the way I craved her, but I had no control over it. She called to me in a way no one else ever had. I’d resigned myself to coveting her from a distance; however, when I heard her and her friend talking earlier about her attraction to me, something sprouted in me I thought to have been long gone.
Hope.
God, how I hated hope.
It showed up just long enough to lull you into a false sense of comfort, enveloping you in its soothing embrace before shoving you away, laughing in your face as it disappeared, leaving you shattered once again.
The tequila bottle in my hand went hurtling across the kitchen, barreling into the wall with a satisfying crash. I’d given no thought to throwing the bottle until Navie’s quiet voice sounded behind me.
“Carson? What’s going on?”
Shit. In my melodramatic rage, I’d completely forgotten she was there, asleep in her room.
I hadn’t even realized how hard I was breathing until I went to answer her. “Nothing, little bit. Just go back to bed.”
Her dark blue eyes scanned from me to the broken glass on the floor. “Are you…have you been drinking?”
I hated the unease in her voice. I hated myself even more for being the one who put it there. A man in one of the foster houses we’d shared had been a raving drunk who liked to use his fists on those smaller and defenseless. I did everything in my power to take his attention off Navie when he was looking for someone other than his pathetic, doormat of a wife to beat on, constantly putting myself in the path of his fists for her.
I had always been big for my age. I had no doubt that I could have won if I’d chosen to fight back, but that was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. Fighting back would have no doubt gotten me removed from that house, leaving Navie with no protection whatsoever. So I took beating after beating, swearing the entire time that I would never grow to be like him. I wouldn’t drink to the point of excess. I wouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for my actions. To be honest, I hardly ever touched the stuff. And I certainly never drank in front of Navie.
Having her walk into the kitchen just moments after smashing the liquor bottle into the wall was the perfect capper on a tremendously shitty night.
“I only had one drink. I’m sorry, sweetheart; I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed.”
“But…y-you don’t drink…”
I ran my hands through my hair in agitation as the anxiety in Navie’s voice caused my heart to splinter. The last person on the face of the Earth I ever wanted to let down was my little bit.
“It was just one drink, Nav, I swear.”
Wringing her tiny hands in front of her, she slowly approached the mess on the kitchen floor. She studied the broken glass and spilled liquor before turning back to me, eyes shining with concern. “What happened?”
“Nothing, you need to worry about, little bit.”
Her concern melted away quick as a flash, replaced with a look that screamed who are you trying to fool here, asshole? Arms crossed over her chest, one hip popped out, her stance just dared me to tell another lie.
“Want to try that again? This time with less bullshit.”
“You know,” I huffed. “It just sounds wrong when you cuss. You look like a little Disney princess, for Christ’s sake.”
“And I fart rainbows and unicorns, too,” Navie deadpanned. “Now, tell me what had you going all ‘Hulk smash’ in the middle of the night.”
A pent-up sigh whooshed from deep within my chest. “It’s Cassidy.”
“Cassidy? Wait…the girl at the ranch?”
It was in that very moment that I regretted my decision to tell Navie about my growing ‘crush’ on Cassidy Ashworth.
“Jesus,” I groaned, pressing my fingers to my forehead and closing my eyes against an oncoming headache. “Yes, the girl at the ranch.”
“What did she do?” My eyes popped open at the hard tone of her voice. Navie stood before me, chin lifted, shoulders straight, and fire in her eyes, like she was ready to battle anyone who dared to cross me.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Easy there, killer. She didn’t do anything.”
“Then why are you so upset?”
“I’m not upset.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fine,” I relented in frustration. “I’m upset, but I really don’t want to talk about it right now.” Leaning over onto the counter, I propped my elbows up and rested my head in my hands. With the adrenaline from my earlier an
ger having dissipated, exhaustion had taken over.
“Carson.” I felt Navie’s hand come up and rest on my back. “I tried pulling that earlier tonight, remember? You didn’t let me get away with it, and I’m not going to let you, either.”
My back rose as I inhaled deeply before letting it out. I spoke softly, “She doesn’t want me.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I…” I paused, pressing the balls of my hands against my eyes. “I made a move. I thought…Christ,” I huffed. “I totally fucked up. I thought she was interested in me, too. I put myself out there, and she shot me down.”
“Oh, Carson…please don’t tell me you treated her like all your other skanky one-night stands.”
“What? No! Of course not. She was…she was different. I was so stupid. I can’t believe I thought she felt the same way.” I grabbed my hair with both hands and began pacing, the frustration building back up inside me.
“Well, what exactly did she say?”
I stopped and threw my hands out. “What’s it matter what she said? She doesn’t want me! End of story.”
I knew taking my pain and anger out on Navie was unfair, but it had just been so long since I opened myself up enough to care about someone. No matter how many times I’d felt that crushing disappointment in my life, it was never something I grew used to.
Navie stepped into my space, placing her hands on my arms. “It matters, Carson. Tell me what she said.”
I paused and pulled in a deep breath. “She said it wasn’t me, that she just couldn’t. She told me she wanted to be my friend,” I scoffed.
“Well, that’s something, right? I mean, if she didn’t care for you at all, why would she want to be your friend?”
A bark of humorless laughter burst forth. “Oh, come on, Nav. She was letting me down easy. It was a typical blow-off.”
“Not necessarily! You said she had a kid, right? What if…what if something happened in her past, huh? What if she’s just protecting herself and her kid? I know you don’t want to hear it, Carson, but you’re different when you talk about her. You’re…lighter. I’m not stupid. I know you have tons of women—”
Shrinking Violet (a Colors novel) Page 5