by A. T Brennan
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” he asked, still not moving off of her.
“No, I’m fine. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, but I should,” he said as he slid off of her.
“Lay down,” she said softly.
He just looked at her and then lay down on the bed. She shifted so she was behind him, holding him against her body as she spooned him.
It was different, she’d never been the big spoon before, but he seemed to be comforted by it as his body began to relax. When she started to run her hand over his head, gently stroking his hair, he sighed.
“My best friend Evan and I enlisted together. We’d been friends since middle school. We did everything together—we played on the football team and dated all of the popular girls. He was like my brother. We went to college together, but I dropped out after the first semester. It wasn’t for me, but he was smart. He was good at school and I just didn’t care,” he paused and she pulled him closer.
“When I was nineteen I decided to enlist in the marines. I told Evan and he wanted to join with me. He dropped out of school and we signed up at the same time. We went through boot camp together, we got posted to the same unit and we shipped out together.” His voice cracked and he had to pause for a second to get his composure back.
“Go on, take your time,” she said soothingly as she held him.
“Two weeks into our tour we were out on patrol. We didn’t even see the ambush coming. An RPG hit the front vehicle and they just swarmed us. There were over twenty of us and only about ten of them but they’d caught us by surprise. We bailed on the vehicles and we started to fight back. Evan and I were back to back, covering each other as we tried to use the truck for cover. I heard him scream and when I turned around he was dropping. He’d been hit in the leg and I caught him, brought him down and we kept fighting. One of them was coming up on our flank and Evan killed him. We thought that was it. We thought there were no more but they had a sniper. We heard the shot and he…” his voice trailed off as he fought to control himself.
“It’s okay, Tyler,” she said soothingly. “You’re here, you’re safe. The memories can’t hurt you. They can’t take you away if you don’t want them to.”
“I watched my best friend take a bullet in the neck. He died in my arms.”
She felt him shaking against her and just held him tight.
“Fuck. I just want to stop seeing it. To stop fucking living it over and over again. The worst fucking moment of my life is on repeat in my head, and I can’t stop it.” He shook his head violently and she tightened her grip on him.
He turned around in her arms so he was facing her, and the look on his face was heartbreaking. He looked so lost and anguished that she could only put her hands on his chest to try and offer him some sort of comfort.
“I don’t want to remember it. I don’t want to remember any of it. Not Evan, or every other brother who didn’t come home, who died in front of me. Not the explosion that almost took my fucking leg but killed three other men, good men with families and futures. I don’t want to remember that kid shooting at me or the carnage we had to walk through day after day. I killed people. I fucking killed people, Kenzie. How do I live with the fact that people are dead because of me?”
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “It was war, you did what you had to so you could come home.”
“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t,” he admitted as he looked at her, tears shining in his eyes. “I wish I’d just died over there. That I’d died fighting and been a hero instead of coming back here broken and trying to live with myself.”
“But you didn’t die, Tyler, you survived.”
“Why?” He shook his head and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. “I’m a fucking mess, Kenzie.” He grabbed her and pulled her so tightly against his body that she felt the air rush from her lungs. His grip was bordering on painful, but she just dealt with it.
After a moment he lessened his grip and shook his head against her shoulder. “I don’t know how to live like this,” he whispered against her and she could feel wetness on her neck.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she reached up and stroked his hair. “I’m so sorry, Tyler.”
She didn’t know how long he cried for, but even when he’d stopped he didn’t seem able to move or speak. She just let him lay there and held him as she tried to comfort him.
“So many men died. So many lives lost, and for what?” he asked bitterly as he moved so he was holding her a little lower on his body, so he could hug her and put his cheek on the top of her head. His voice was scratchy and hoarse. “To be cast out of the military when they broke us? To be judged and hated and called murderers when we come home? To try and become civilians again? To live and function in normal society after being in war?”
She didn’t answer him, she knew his questions were rhetorical.
“I just can’t seem to flip the switch,” he sighed as he pressed his cheek against her hair. “I can’t seem to flip the switch and turn it off. I can’t stop being a soldier, but I’m not a soldier anymore.”
“It’s a hard place to be,” she agreed. “Trapped in between what you were and what you will be.”
“It is.” He nodded and pulled her away from his body so he could look down at her.
She just smiled at him gently and reached out to cup his face with her hands as she looked into his eyes. “You went through something horrific, something most people couldn’t even fathom, and you came out the other side. You’re not broken, Tyler, you’re not a broken man. You’re an incredibly strong man,” she said softly as she searched his eyes for some sign that he was taking her words in, that she was helping and not hurting him. “You’re a survivor, not a victim. But it takes time for that kind of trauma to heal.”
“I just want to stop remembering. I want to stop seeing it and reliving all the horrors.” He shook his head and pulled her against his body, holding her tight. She just dropped her hands and let him hold her.
“You will. At some point the memories won’t haunt you anymore. They’ll be sad and they’ll be hard but they won’t control you. At some point the fear will fade and the sorrow will lessen and you’ll be able to break free.”
“I’m such a pussy.” He sighed. “People go through shit every single day and I can’t let it go.”
“People go through different shit every single day. What someone else goes through doesn’t negate what you did,” she said gently. “Not a lot of people have gone through what you did, and no one has lived through exactly what you have. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.”
“Being human blows sometimes,” he said with a snort and she just laughed.
“Yes it does,” she agreed.
“I’m afraid of going back to sleep,” he admitted as he held her close.
“I know, but I’ll be here if you wake up again.” She shifted so she could look up at him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thank you, Kenzie, no one’s ever been there for me. Not like this.”
“I’m happy to help,” she said honestly. “I’m glad I can be here for you.”
He shifted so they were laying together with her still nestled in his arms.
He woke up three more times during the night but none were as violent as the first time. He was jerked awake but it only took him a moment to realize where he was and that she was still there with him and he was able to go back to sleep.
Chapter Nine
Kenzie woke up first and as she blinked she looked around the apartment. This was a familiar feeling, only this time she was wearing some clothes.
She glanced over at Tyler and was glad to see he was sleeping soundly.
She really had to pee, and as she slid out of bed she was extra careful not to jostle him about too much. She wanted to let him sleep as long as possible.
The room was a little cold, and the bathroom was even colder.
For some reason she’d expected it to b
e messy, but it was tidy and neat and there wasn’t anything that looked out of place. It would seem that twelve years in the military had made him a very neat person.
When she was done she left the small bathroom and went to the side of the bed and pulled on her yoga pants. She didn’t want to leave before she knew he was better and okay to be alone, but she was wide awake. Instead of slipping back into bed she went to the kitchen and looked at his coffee pot. She was grateful he had one of the ones that used coffee pods and she clicked it on. Some coffee machines looked more like time machines and had more buttons and features than a full service coffee bar. At least this one was simple and she knew how to use it.
She was just looking through the selection of coffees he had when she heard his voice.
“Kenzie?”
“Hi.” She turned toward the bed and looked at him. “How are you?”
“Better,” he said as he sat up and stretched. “I half expected you to be gone.”
“A part of me thought it would be better, but I didn’t want to leave without seeing how you were doing.”
“Is that the only reason you didn’t want to leave?” he asked as he looked at her, his eyebrow raised slightly.
“No,” she confessed.
“Why else?”
“I wanted to stay.” She shrugged. “The last morning we had together was less than ideal, but I wanted to stay this time. Maybe have a better morning and a better memory.”
“Is that also the reason you’re out there and I’m in here? Because of how awkward it was?”
“Not entirely,” she said as she leaned against the table. “Last time was the morning after. Today was different. There was no nakedness and no sex,” she added.
“True.” He nodded. “Just me freaking out and crying like a bitch.”
“I don’t remember that.” She grinned. “I just remember crashing here with you and then waking up wanting coffee.”
He smiled gratefully at her. “I don’t have all that many different ones, but have whichever you like, and whatever’s in the fridge.”
“I don’t really eat breakfast,” she admitted. “Not very healthy I know, but I’m just not hungry in the mornings.”
“But coffee?” he asked as he climbed out of bed and stretched.
“Coffee is my friend.” She nodded, grinning as she appreciated the view. His body was so strong and cut it was impossible not to stare. “Sorry.” She blushed and looked away when he looked up and caught her staring.
“Don’t be.” He grinned. “It’s nice to be appreciated.”
She just blushed a little deeper and nodded to the coffee pot. “You friends with caffeine too?”
“Best of.” He nodded as he pulled on his pants, letting them hang low on his hips.
“Any particular friend you want to have this morning?” she asked and then shook her head. “I mean, any specific coffee that you want?”
He just laughed at her. “Surprise me.”
Kenzie blushed scarlet and turned back to the coffee pot. That had come out wrong.
* * *
Tyler didn’t seem to want her to leave, and she wasn’t all that inclined to go. After they’d had their coffee Tyler had taken a shower and then offered her one as well. She’d only managed to hop in and out of her shower the night before and she was feeling the need for a good wash so she gratefully accepted.
When she’d come out of the shower she’d left her hair down and they’d sat on the couch and had found another baseball game and watched it, dissecting it as they did.
They laughed and talked, and while Tyler’s smirks and cockiness were back, it was more teasing now, less biting. She was actually enjoying herself and she forgot to be self-conscious as she found herself relaxing with him.
They didn’t mention the night before. They didn’t mention the robbery or him being shot at. They kept themselves in the present and they had fun.
He’d offered to make her lunch, and then at suppertime he’d told her he was going to order pizza and asked what she liked on hers. It wasn’t exactly a dinner invitation, but it told her he wanted her to stay.
They found another baseball game and left it on in the background as they ate, and after they settled back to watch the end of the game. They were sitting together with her leaning against him and his arm resting comfortably over her shoulder, holding her close.
It was comfortable and almost casual, and they both pulled what they needed from it. She was enjoying being held, feeling safe and protected.
“How did you learn so much about baseball, you play?” he asked as he glanced at her.
“Not much of an athlete, as you might have been able to tell,” she said with a small chuckle. “No, baseball was my grandpa’s favorite sport. I started watching it with him when I was just a toddler, when I came to live with them. He taught me all about the game. Taught me about strategy and statistics. It was one thing that we did together.” She smiled at the memories. “You play?”
“I did.” He nodded. “Until high school, then I focused on other sports.”
“A football god I imagine. Mr. Popular with the letter jacket?”
“Not a god, but I was first string,” he said with a grin. “And I lettered in two sports.”
“Of course you did.” She laughed. “Football and track?”
“Football and swimming.” He laughed when she blushed. She’d been picturing him in a swimsuit. “But I played hockey too. You play any sports?”
“Nope. Watch them all but only follow baseball and hockey.”
“Not football?”
“Meh.” She shrugged. “It’s fine but not my favorite.”
“What did you do in high school?” he asked curiously.
“Not a lot. Never been much of a joiner.” She glanced up at him. “And were sports and cheerleaders all you did?”
He laughed and shook his head. “Not much time for anything else, and I didn’t limit myself to cheerleaders. That would have severely limited my options.”
She just laughed softly. She could imagine the types of girls he went out with in high school. All of the girls who bullied her or wouldn’t give her the time of day unless they wanted something from her.
“Perish the thought.” She gave him a grin and he laughed as he pulled her a little closer.
A few innings later there was a commercial break and one of the commercials was for a first person shooter video game that was set in the desert, and even as he was turning away from the TV the gun in the commercial started firing.
He jumped as he jerked away from the screen as Kenzie reached forward and grabbed the remote. She turned the TV off and turned toward him.
“Fucking commercial,” he said angrily as he shook his head, trying to fight the adrenaline that was rising in his body.
It took a moment for him to calm down, and she just waited while he took a few deep breaths and forced his body to relax.
“God, I’m losing my man card fast here,” he said as he shook his head. “I keep freaking out at nothing.”
“Getting triggered by the TV is not going to take away your man card,” she said with a soft smile as she touched his hand. “We all have our triggers.”
“What was yours?”
“Slamming doors,” she said as she sighed. “Whether it was next to me or on the TV. If a door slammed it would bring me back to things I never wanted to go back to.”
“You know so much about what I need, what I’m going through,” he said as he looked at her. “Your grandfather might have had PTSD, but this goes beyond second hand experience.”
“PTSD affects a lot of people, and it affects them differently. You got yours from combat, the same as my grandpa, but you can get it from other things not combat related,” she said as she looked away from him for a moment.
“You sound like you have experience with that.”
“I might.” She looked down at her hands and then gently rubbed her wrist. This was the second time she’d do
ne that in front of him, and it was right before she talked about something that upset her. It would seem that was her emotional tell.
“You might?” he prodded.
He didn’t like dealing with his own emotions and traumas, he certainly had no time for those of others, but there was something about Kenzie that made him want to care. He wanted to know why she was so scared and why she was so reserved. He wanted to know why she seemed so afraid of everything, but at the same time had the kind of inner strength that had made her stand up to a man with a gun to try and save a stranger. He wanted to know who had hurt her, because if anyone could recognize hurt in someone else, it was him.
“You care?” She looked up at him.
“I do care.” He nodded. “Who hurt you, Kenzie?”
“When I was younger I was always off…” she said slowly. “I was a chubby kid, really shy and I was weird. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and as I got older I never really grew out of that weirdness. In high school I was still a bigger girl. I was bullied and I wasn’t pretty. I was still shy and I was a nerd, so I didn’t have many friends, certainly no dates, and definitely no boyfriends. When I got to college things didn’t really change that much. I lost some weight, but could never be considered thin, and I was still shy and weird. I didn’t make many friends, didn’t get many dates, but that was normal for me so I didn’t really think anything of it.
“After grad I got a job at the local hospital in the surgical wing. That’s where I met a doctor, a surgeon, and he was everything I admired. He was smart and respected and charismatic, and confident. He was also handsome, and he was interested in me. I wasn’t used to getting any sort of male attention, and never from someone like him. He pursued me and I fell for him, hard. He was so different from anyone I’d ever been around before and he could have had anyone, but he wanted me.”
She shook her head and sighed. “He swept me off my feet. Looking back I can see that the gifts and dinners and weekends away were a way to buy me, but back then I thought it was romantic.” She paused and rubbed her wrist again.