He took a hit, then realizing he’d been rude, held it out to her. Annie looked at it, then looked at him, and shook her head. He waited to exhale, and then asked, “Sure you’re not interested?” That one word opened a floodgate.
Interested? Absolutely, she thought, I am. I am interested in so many things, but I somehow seem to let them all slide by.
She took a step closer. “Maybe I will, Paul. Thanks.” He held it out to her.
“Um, I don’t… Sorry.”
“That’s OK. Just breathe in a little at a time, like through a straw. Let it go down slow, and then try to hold your breath as long as you can.” She did as he instructed, except she didn’t cough. He was impressed. “Nicely done. You sure you’ve never smoked before?” She shook her head.
She passed the joint back to him, still holding her breath, but starting to struggle. “My word, OK, you can breathe now, Annie.” She let out her breath in a rush then smiled at him goofily. They passed the joint back and forth a few more times, and when she began to weave a bit, he gestured that she’d probably had enough, then finished it off himself.
Out of the blue, she started to giggle.
“What’s so funny, Annie?” he asked, his eyes twinkling because he already knew.
“I have no idea, Paul, but this is—” and she dissolved into laughter.
“Good stuff, isn’t it?” It took all she had just to nod her head. She was doubled over, still laughing, feeling a release she never knew possible.
Finally, she slowed down enough to say, “Thanks, Paul,” then giggled some more. “So, I guess I’m… I think I’m…am I—?”
“Stoned? Oh yeah, Annie, you’re toasted.” That made her laugh ever more. “You sure you’re OK?” She nodded, still giggling. It felt great. “Good for you, Anne. I think you needed that.”
“More than I knew, I guess.” She took a deep breath of the wintery air and hugged herself. “This is one terrific feeling. And that moon…” It was now desperately beautiful to her. “Look at that moon…” He put a brotherly arm around her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze.
“You enjoy the moon, Annie. I’d better get back, else my date will be worried.” She turned her head to look at him.
“Oh, you have a date? Who?”
“Betsy Mayfield.”
“She’s sweet. Are you going together?”
“It’s nothing serious. We’re just friends out for the night.” Then he frowned. She looked a little dopey still. “You sure you’re okay?” She nodded, then turned back, still lost in the wonder of the moon.
“I’m fine, Paul, and thanks again. I think I needed that.”
“I think you did. Happy New Year, Annie.”
“Happy New Year, Paul.” At that, he turned and went back inside.
He went inside, and she returned to the moon and that light, relaxed feeling. She loved it, then suddenly thought, oh no, what if I get addicted? Then she laughed at herself. I’m such a control freak.
The wind came up, making it uncomfortably cold, so she decided to return to the party. But when she turned to go inside, there was Parker.
“Mr. Levitt,” she said formally, wondering just how long he’d been standing there. “Happy New Year to you.”
“And to you, but what are you doing out here?” She tried to move past him, but stumbled a bit. He put a steadying hand on her arm.
“Whoa there, Annie.” Then he tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “You smell like…” He sniffed near her face. “I had no idea you smoked.”
The part of Annie that would have continued on her way was short-circuited, so she found herself beckoning him closer.
“Well, just between us friends,” she emphasized, “it’s my first time. I like it but, you know, don’t worry about me, I won’t become a junky.” That cracked her up, and Parker laughed, but not in a particularly pleasant way. Annie took a step away, then, because his body blocked the chilly wind, she turned back to enjoy the magical moon. Parker stood looking at her.
“I’ve missed you, Annie,” he said, taking half a step closer. She spun to face him. The relaxed feeling began to dissipate.
“Really?” she glared at him. “I find that surprising, considering you and Connie seem fine now, what with the Kama Sutra and all—” In spite of herself, the image made her chuckle. He did not. “I’m sorry, or was I not supposed to know that you and Connie…fuck a lot?” She couldn’t believe the word came out of her mouth. Parker narrowed his eyes. Annie suddenly felt threatened, so she apologized. “I’m a little…not myself, I guess, but that’s not an excuse to be rude. I’m sorry. Really.”
“It’s okay. Connie likes to talk. It’s true. We have a lot of sex these days, and things are...fine.” He smiled, suddenly soft again. His face made her heart ache. He was different somehow. But in the next moment, she was afraid that he had given up the passion he had so recently discovered. She didn’t like the idea of Parker being...ordinary.
“But you don’t want fine,” she said, pointing an accusing finger. “You want adventure and... howling and... you want... I don’t know what you want, Parker, but I know you don’t want fine.” He took a step back.
“Wow, you are stoned.” She ignored him.
“Parker Levitt, don’t lie to me. You do not want fine.” She expected him to say something, but he just stood, his hands in his pockets. “Come on, Parker,” she pressed, “are you telling me that you’ve changed again? Given up your lust for life, stopped wanting to live moment to moment? Have you stopped being in love with me?” Her hand flew to her mouth too late. Her words hung in the air between them. She tried to backpedal. “I didn’t... I’m sorry Parker, I’m just—”
He pulled her to him abruptly and kissed her, and she kissed him back, her head spinning. Nicotine, pot, and…Parker. At last he broke the kiss.
“I can’t stop being in love with you, Anne.” She let him kiss her again, and couldn’t hold herself back. It felt so good, so right, holding and kissing Parker Levitt.
Finally, they stopped to catch their breath. She took a tissue from her purse and wiped her lipstick off his mouth. He caught her hand and kissed it. “I do love you,” he said. She stroked his hair.
“I love you too, Parker.” There. She said it, but immediately followed with, “But nothing has changed. We still have to think about Connie.” She composed herself and took a step away. “And seriously, it looks like you two are doing great. An entire week in bed?” He turned away. Why am I so mean to him? Was she that jealous?
“Don’t be nasty, Anne, it doesn’t suit you.” She was stung. “I have to go back inside—”
“By all means,” she snapped. “Connie will wonder what you’re up to. Who knows, maybe she’ll give you a blowjob in the bathroom. Maybe you can do her on a bench in the locker room.” Parker grabbed her by the shoulders and hissed in her ear.
“Is that what you want…Annie?” he said caustically, purposely degrading her with the nickname. “Do you want to give me a blowjob in the bathroom? Do you want me to do you in the locker room? Pull up your pretty little dress and fuck you?” Her lip trembled, and her face went white. He shook her. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” she said, unconsciously licking her lips. He abruptly let her go and stepped back. She closed the gap. “Yes, Parker,” she whispered, “I want that. With you.”
There it was again, even more of the truth spilled onto the concrete between them, the moon their only witness. Both were surprised. She reached to touch his face, but he gently caught her wrist.
“I can’t, Annie. I’ve tried so hard to... I just can’t…Anne.” He hesitated, then let go, turned away and went back inside. She waited a beat, then followed him.
She watched him move through the crowd to find Connie. She watched as he whispered in her ear. She watched Connie’s eyes grow wide. She watched Connie take his hand. Watched him lead her purposefully through the crowd. Watched them pass by, barely a foot away. Parker determinedly ignored her.
Connie saw her and winked.
She followed at a distance. In the hall, he pushed Connie against the wall and kissed her. He took her into the boys’ bathroom. The door shut slowly behind them. She stood shivering in the hall, her mind racing, her heart pounding.
She waited. And waited. Finally, she went back into the gym and tried to lose herself dancing, but still kept an eye on the door. After what felt like hours, Connie and Parker returned, holding hands, smiling. Connie went to the punch bowl as Parker scanned the crowd. He caught Annie’s eye. She stopped, stood dead still in the middle of the dance floor and looked back. Then she clapped, applauding him, slowly and sarcastically.
She watched his face flush with shame. He turned away. She waited a moment, then walked out of the school into the moonlight, and across the field toward home. She stopped when she heard the countdown, then the cheer at midnight. She laughed, then looked up.
“Happy New Year,” she said to the moon, and then continued home.
Not one tear.
More than a million regrets.
9
“Did you really get stoned with Paul Jenks at the New Year’s dance?” Connie whispered. She and Annie had been corralled into serving at the monthly Chamber of Commerce pancake breakfast.
“I don’t know,” Annie said, feeling none too social. “Did you really give Parker Levitt a blowjob in the boy’s bathroom at the New Year’s dance?”
Connie gasped, then blushing violently, looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Annie!” she hissed. “Are you trying to get me in trouble?”
Annie looked around as well, but there was no one paying attention. “Sorry,” she said and layered three pancakes on an elderly woman’s plate.
“What dear?” the woman said, cupping her ear. Annie gave Connie a look. See?
“Nothing, ma’am. Enjoy your breakfast.” The woman thanked Annie and moved on. She turned back to Connie.
“I was just kidding. But for the record, yes, I got a little stoned with Paul.” Connie’s mouth dropped open, then she laughed.
“Good for you, you rebel you!” Connie hugged her. “And, for the record, yes, I did give Parker Levitt a blowjob in the boy’s bathroom.” Annie laughed, but it was joyless, a cover to keep her from dissolving into tears and shoving a pancake in Connie’s face.
Connie heard only the laughter. “I’m jealous of you, Annie.” That struck Annie as insane beyond belief, making her laugh even harder.
“Giiirls?”
Mrs. Caughtry, the doughy-faced chairwoman of the Chamber of Commerce, moved haltingly passed the counter. “It’s nice to have fun and all but, remember. Pancakes for charity, pancakes for charity. Let nothing cloud your purpose.” She slouched away even as the ridiculousness of her comment revived both girls’ giggling in earnest.
Still, Annie felt terrible. She felt that way quite a bit lately around Connie. Well, around Connie and Parker. She and Parker made a good couple, and all couples had good and bad times. Annie had no right, or reason, for that matter, to be upset. So what if Connie did do Parker in the boy’s bathroom? Wouldn’t she, if she were in Connie’s shoes?
Maybe. She wasn’t sure. Never mind she had no idea how to give a blowjob. She didn’t know if she could be that kind of girl. That kind of girl?
“This is ridiculous,” Annie said to herself. She had no business judging Connie Baker. They were very much alike, in very many ways, so if Connie was that kind of girl, then on some level, Annie was, too. She was having a sort-of affair with Parker behind Connie’s back. Had she ever thought herself capable of such a thing? It was all too confusing.
Annie wished the school year would just end. She wished Parker and Connie would just leave, just leave her alone in her happy town and just...
“Just leave,” Annie finished her thought aloud. Connie froze, then looked at her. Annie realized her inner voice had become part of the real world. Thinking quickly, without thinking, she smeared a dollop of pancake batter on Connie’s nose and laughed. “You have to leave, Connie, or you’ll get us both in trouble.” The ploy worked. Connie laughed.
“You’re right,” she said, “because we must ‘let nothing cloud our purpose.’ We might get syrup-ed and feathered.” Annie forced a laugh, relieved she was able to cover so well. Connie smiled and moved away to start clearing tables.
“I’ll catch up with you after, Annie. I want to know all about getting stoned and...” she looked around, “I’ll give you the gory details about the boy’s room.”
“Great,” Annie called after her, then said to herself, “that’s all I need, details about you and Parker.”
She poured a ladleful of batter on the griddle, watched for tiny bubbles, then flipped the pancake. She admired its perfect, golden color and smiled to herself. Here was comfort.
Annie looked up from the grill onto the crowded gymnasium floor. A few nights ago it was filled with kids dancing, making out, and just being kids. Now it was filled with tables full of families, eating pancakes, laughing and enjoying life.
Annie looked back down at the griddle and flipped another perfect pancake onto a plate. She smiled as she handed it to a little girl in a pretty pink dress.
“Thank you,” the girl said, after a bit of prompting from her mother.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Annie said, then looked to the child’s mother. “She’s very sweet, very polite.” The woman thanked her and moved on.
Annie watched them find a table, and then poured more batter on the griddle, and thought about her future. She would have children someday. She would make perfect pancakes for them on Sunday morning after church. She would have a husband, and a wonderful, wonderful life.
She looked up again, surveyed the room, and sighed. Life was good and was only going to get better. The problems between Parker and Connie were nothing compared to what was waiting ahead. So Annie smiled and laughed, at herself, all by herself. She let herself be silly, let herself get caught up in this soap opera-style romantic nightmare. She had the rest of senior year to focus on, then college, and then...who knows? But it’s all going to be good. Very, very good.
She looked across the room to see Connie, walking slowly beside Mrs. Caughtry, being lectured about one miniscule thing or the other. Connie caught Annie’s look. Annie waved with the spatula. Connie mimed cutting her throat, and Annie laughed.
You know, Annie thought to herself, I wouldn’t mind being that kind of girl at all.
That kind of girl is pretty terrific.
She flipped her pancake, smiled at its perfection and resolved to step away from all the drama and just enjoy the last few months of her high school career.
10
“Just tell me,” Parker insisted. He blocked her way.
“Tell you what, Parker?” Annie snapped. It had been a week since the pancake breakfast, and she finally felt that she could put the silliness behind her and just live. After the New Year’s party, Parker and Connie appeared to be fine. She ran into Parker alone a few times, and it had been…okay. Recently, though, he found ways to stir things up, especially to try to corner her as he was doing today.
“What is it exactly that you need me to tell you?” She pushed past him out the door, intending to head for home.
It was a rare day for her. No homework, no meetings no clubs. She wanted to lock herself in her room and read On the Road again. She had read it three times now and still wasn’t done absorbing it. Despite the strange feelings it aroused, she still loved it. It spoke to her. So she decided to make it her book, not just one that Parker happened to give her, but her own.
Parker followed, calling for her to stop, but she ignored him. After several minutes, she realized she couldn’t hear him any longer. She turned around to find him gone.
“Good,” she said to herself, “maybe he’s finally done. Maybe we’re finally done.” Her relief lasted only a few steps, however. Then relief turned to sadness. Part of her wished Parker would still pursue her, and that they wou
ld still steal kisses, and still hold hands, and still be—
“Be what?” she demanded of herself. “Dating? A couple? Deceiving Connie? What would we still be?” Her cheeks burned, so she put her head down and walked faster. All she wanted now was just to be home.
But half a block from her house, she froze. Parker’s car was in the driveway, and he was sitting on her porch, drinking a glass of milk and eating cookies.
“What are you doing here?” She skirted him as she walked up the steps.
“Your mom makes incredible cookies,” he said through a mouthful of chocolate chips.
“Parker—”
“We need to discuss a student government problem.” He smirked. She dropped into the porch swing, her backpack hitting the floor. He took a sip of milk, then picked up another cookie.
A Small Town Dream Page 6