“And now?”
“Now, I just open my mouth and what comes out is real and I am truly, truly thankful.”
“What are you thankful for?”
“I am thankful for the fact that I could have been in the absolute depths for the rest of my life but now I don’t care who nods. I don’t want the high-five any longer. I say what’s true in my heart, and it feels so good.”
“That’s’ a big step, learning that it’s OK to be honest with yourself and other people.”
“It feels so good, I feel like I’ve been saved.”
“How so?”
“I don’t mean like God or religion. I did the required church going, good girl stuff.”
“Did the required stuff? You don’t anymore?” Annie laughed.
“No, I go to church with my parents sometimes. But I was never as devout as I tried to appear.”
“For example…?”
“I did not believe that God actually intervenes in the minutia of our lives in this world. So, I don’t feel saved by God. Just so you know.”
“Then what saved you?”
“Realizing Paul was right, that Jack Kerouac would never have killed anyone, not even for love.”
“Did you tell Parker that?”
“I wanted to, but I didn’t think it would have any effect on him.”
“Did you want to affect him?”
“I have no idea. That train ride seemed far too short. When the conductor called out the name of the station, when he smiled at me with that fatherly concern and told me this was where I should get off if I was going to the prison, I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him I needed more time. That I wasn’t ready yet.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because that was then, so of course I didn’t. I gathered my things like… Like a good girl and walked off the train. I still had about a twenty minute walk, maybe that would give me enough time. I hoped.”
“What did you hope for?”
“That maybe on the walk, it would all fall together, and I would know exactly what I wanted to say. I would sit down in front of Parker, say what I came to say and be free.”
“But that’s not what happened.”
“No, but it was my hope.”
“Why do you think it didn’t happen?”
“I really would have liked to talk to Dean before I went but, he wasn’t answering his phone or calling me back so, I had to go it alone.”
“Do you think Dean would have given you more courage?”
“Yes. I guess. I mean, visiting Parker was turning out to be more difficult than I had expected.”
“What did you expect?”
“I don’t really know.”
“So what did you do?”
“I stood on the platform of the train station and waited for the train to puff to life and pull away. I stayed on that platform until the train was a soundless black dot on the horizon. And then…” She trailed off, remembering. The doctor gave her a moment before prompting her, and she continued on her own. “Then, I waited an hour longer. Just standing, willing my feet to move. To walk.”
“Why didn’t you just wait for the train heading the other way and go back home?”
“I still don’t know. But, finally, after standing on that platform, being eyeballed by strangers, for over an hour and a half, my legs started to move me, and I walked toward the prison.”
“Alone.”
“Yes. Alone and still unsure of what I was going to say when I got there.”
“Do you know now what you’d have said?”
“No.”
“Does it matter?” Annie thought for a moment.
“Not really. Not anymore. And that, I think, is what saved me.”
“Not knowing what to say to Parker saved you?”
“No. Knowing that there was nothing I could say to Parker that would change anything.”
“That’s a pretty big realization. How do you fell about that?”
“I feel helpless, but I also feel…” Annie trailed off, then smiled coyly.
The doctor grinned then asked, “You also feel what?”
Annie Stewart smiled broadly.
“I feel free.”
24
The day after Thanksgiving, all Annie wanted to do was stay in her room. She told her parents she was tired, that she wanted to read, and rest, and write in her journal. She’d actually had another major breakthrough with the psychologist, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“I just need some sleep, Mother,” she said as she gently shut the bedroom door. Her mother stood frozen in the hallway, her hands feverishly worrying a dish cloth. She waited for the right words to bubble up and spill out. She stepped forward, slowly placing her forehead against her daughter’s bedroom door and touched the wood lightly with her fingertips. She silently willed prayer, healing vibrations, answers, hope, through the wood, toward her daughter.
She closed her eyes, concentrated more, pushed all that energy through the wood, through the air, to her baby girl. Then she had turned to go when Annie spoke through the closed door as though her mother had spoken her thoughts aloud.
“Thanks for understanding. I love you, Mom.”
***
Late in the afternoon on Thanksgiving Saturday, Annie stepped into the kitchen. She had showered and dressed in a simple white blouse, a black pencil skirt, and thigh-high leather boots. She no longer looked like a little girl.
Her mother noticed but did not react. Annie sat down at the table.
“Hungry?” her mother asked. Annie shook her head. Her mother accepted this without protest even though she felt her daughter looked thin, looked sick and really should eat.
“I think I am going to go out, Mom.” Her mother continued cooking dinner, focusing on the task in front of her. Heightening her focus so as not to spook her daughter back into her room.
“That sounds nice,” her mother said, turning from the stove for a moment. “I have heard the new Italian place in the square, next to the shoe store, is supposed to be very good.” She turned back to her cooking. “I have been told, by people who would know, mind you, that it is authentic Italian food, like in Italy.”
“I’m going to a party, Mother. He is a boy from my graduating class and he’s very smart and he’s very nice.”
“That sounds lovely.” She turned the flame down under the pot on the stove and sat down across from her daughter. She smiled but didn’t feel it.
“Annie,” she said, wondering how to start, what to say. “You seem different. Is everything okay?” Annie shrugged. “All right, answer this, are you no longer happy?” Annie thought about it. The question, the way it was phrased. Her mother didn’t ask if she was happy, she asked if she was no longer happy. It implied that she had been happy.
“Do I not seem happy?”
“No, you don’t. You don’t seem happy anymore, and I miss that. I miss my Annie being happy.”
“I was happy, wasn’t I?” Her mother nodded.
The effect this answer had on Annie surprised her. Instead of feeling sad, longing for the past, Annie realized that she had been happy and only recently, that had changed. She hadn’t been pretending about everything, as she had so feared when she left the prison, when she left Parker. “I’m going to be happy again, mom,” she said to her hopeful mother, “I am going to be happy again very soon.” Her mother let out a sigh, relieved and having full faith in her daughter.
“Well,” her satisfied mother said as she rose from the table and headed back to the stove, “you have fun tonight. But, not too much fun, if you know what I mean, missy.” Annie laughed.
“I won’t end up in jail,” Annie said, “and that’s all I am going to promise.” Her mother watched her leave the house, not terribly pleased with the response.
Annie was not going to be the same any longer.
25
Paul Jenks parents went away for the holiday weekend and gave him permission to have a party.
Annie had not initially been invited, but it wasn’t a social snubbing. They just hadn’t known each other that well in high school and he assumed she would not want to hang out with a general gathering of geeks.
But over the summer, and into the fall, after he told her bluntly that he had not liked her graduation speech, they’d been friendly. Not friends, maybe, but friendly. He had gone off to MIT in September, but they had run into each other occasionally in town when he was home for the weekend. And the weekend before, Paul had invited her.
When she walked up to the front door, she was surprised to find no loud music, no screaming girls, no jocks yelling chug. Had the party been canceled? She tried the door, and it was locked. Who locks their door when they’re having a party? She was about to turn away but decided to knock, just in case. After a moment, Paul came to the door. He was in a jacket and tie, his hair neatly combed.
“Hi,” she said, giving a little, self-conscious wave, “heard you were having a party, thought I would just drop by.” He laughed at her joke.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come, but I’m glad you did. Come on in.” He opened the door wide. Annie stepped in, and everyone in the room turned to her. They were all in jackets and ties, some in jeans and sneakers but still, jacket and tie. The girls had on skirts or dresses with their hair done up.
“Everyone,” Paul got their attention, “please welcome Annie Stewart, a friend of mine.” The room said hello. Someone handed her a glass of wine. She walked slowly, holding Paul’s proffered arm.
It was formal but relaxed, nothing like what she had expected. Paul brought her to the backyard, by the pool where there were more people and cocktails from a bar with a uniformed bartender. Classical music wafted gently through speakers. He introduced her around again, then led her to a bench near the edge of the yard.
“Like the wine?” Paul asked. She nodded.
“It’s probably the best I’ve ever tasted.”
“Good,” he said. “It’s supposed to be good. I am not a wine drinker, but I am learning. For now, I still drink beer or bourbon.” He excused himself and walked to the bar. She looked around. She had expected loud music, and geeks on computers, eating pizza. She hadn’t expected any girls at all but there quite a few. It all boggled her mind. Paul returned with a cocktail.
“My folks have a great house, don’t they?” She was unable to respond, she was so struck by the moment. “I know,” Paul said, apparently used to the observation. “No loud music, no video games. And girls. Real live girls who talk to us.”
Annie finally spoke. “I know none of these people,”
“You know some of them from high school. Most are freshmen at the university.”
“How do you know all these people?”
“I’d been taking classes in Davenport all senior year. When I got admission to MIT in Boston, I was already a year ahead.” So these college kids are his social circle. Annie was impressed. Paul had seemed friendless and lost in school, but the reality was, he had advanced beyond high school and didn’t care about its social side.
He raised his glass. “Tutor them in physics and math and they teach me about music and wine and culture.” He clinked his glass with hers. “I love being in and among teachers of any sort.” He excused himself to greet a new couple that had arrived, both older, very attractive. He greeted them with hugs and kisses on the cheeks. He seemed, to Annie, much more grown up than anyone she knew. She watched him play host. She watched him make people laugh. She watched him run a beautiful, elegant, utterly unpretentious grown-up party.
He returned, bearing another glass of wine for her. “You know, there’s a game room downstairs, if you need to see geeks playing video games to calm your nerves.” She laughed at that then abruptly changed the subject.
“Why did you lecture me?” She sipped her wine.
“About what?”
“Why did you chastise me for not addressing you or your friends with my speech? You made it sound like you were this lonely misunderstood loser, and that’s just not true.”
“No,” he said, very matter of fact, not defending himself at all, “you asked what I thought of your speech and I told you what I thought it lacked. I said our lives were different and that I didn’t think you had time or interest in me and my friends, but that’s just high school, isn’t it?” Annie thought about this.
“Maybe I attached too much importance to it.” They clinked glasses again, and Paul invited her to the hot tub. She begged off saying she had no bathing suit.
“That’s no big deal. Underwear is fine.” With that, Paul draped his slacks and shirt on a nearby chaise and joined two other girls in the bubbling water. After a moment, Annie stripped down to bra and panties and slipped in as well.
She sat across from Paul. She and the college girls exchanged general chit chat. It turned out they all loved Paul, thought he was a genius and were bummed he had gone east for college so they didn’t see him as much anymore. Paul smiled, seemed a little shy about the praise, but didn’t exhibit any false modesty. He really is very grown up, Annie observed again. Then, with the girls still in the tub with them, he addressed Annie.
“Why did you decide to come, Anne?” The girls got quiet. Annie blushed.
“I thought you invited me.” Paul shrugged.
“I did in a casual way, but I’m still curious. It’s not exactly the kind of party you’re used to. Also, you’re obviously shocked that I am hosting it.” Paul’s tone was gentle, but Annie felt trapped. He laughed gently.
“You know, Anne, this is turning out to be like a romantic comedy. We spend four years together, get high a couple of times then you show up at my place, on the wrong side of the social tracks. Crazy. What happens now, Annie? Do we make out, fall in love, realize how similar we are despite the differences, you follow me to Boston, and we get married and live happily ever after?”
“That would be awesome,” one of the girls said. He splashed her and set them all to laughing. Annie laughed as well, but hers was an uncomfortable one.
“What if I said yes,” Annie asked and the girls went silent. They looked back and forth between her and Paul and then began to climb out of the tub. “You can stay,” Annie protested but they left just the same. “Sorry,” she said to Paul and he shrugged. She moved across the tub and sat beside him. They were silent for a while. Annie gathered her courage.
“What would you say if I asked you to take my virginity?”
“I would say no,” he answered without hesitation. She was surprised, then deflated.
“I’m not attractive.” A statement, not a question.
“You are, very much,” he replied, and she believed him. “But I have no desire to take someone’s virginity. Believe me, when I lost mine, it was awkward, and uncomfortable… I was lucky the woman I did it with was older and patient, but, I wouldn’t want to take someone through that experience.” She was about to protest but then, realized she had nothing to protest. She couldn’t promise him it would be different with her. She couldn’t say she knew what she was doing, or that she had been reading books about it.
But before she could answer, a woman appeared, leaned on the edge of the hot tub and asked her, “Are you the young lady who’s trying to steal my man?” She was blonde, curvy, and beautiful, with a white and perfect smile. She looked at Annie and then at Paul.
“Also,” he said, waving a hand in the woman’s direction, “I have a girlfriend.” He slid across the hot tub. “Anne,” he said, kissing the woman, “this is Tasha. Tash, this is Anne, our valedictorian.” She extended her hand and Annie shook it.
“Nice to meet you,” Tasha said. “Seriously. You’re very pretty and Paul has said great things about you. He said your speech needed some tweaks but overall, you speak very well.”
“She does,” Paul said looking at Annie, making sure she heard the compliment.
Then Tasha said, jokingly yet with a slight edge, “But don’t you try to take my man.” Then Tasha turned to Paul.
“Pretty soon you’re going to have to stop lazing around and feed these people a real meal.” She tugged on Paul’s ear.
“Give me fifteen minutes, honey,” he said, “then I will fire up the grill.” Tasha kissed him again.
“Pleasure to meet you, Anne,” she said. Annie said the same and Tasha moved back into the party.
“She’s beautiful,” Annie said.
“You are leaving,” Paul said. Annie froze.
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