by Stacey Lewis
“You need to read it, Ryker. The shit in that letter is important, and it will change everything you thought you knew about Dad.”
Reed’s words cause a shiver to go down my spine, and before I can ask what the hell he’s talking about, he pulls out his phone, and I see him click on Remy’s name on the screen.
I listen to his side of the conversation without remorse, chuckling when Remy answers, cussing Reed out for waking him up so early. I guess that’s only fair, considering I woke both Reed and Fallon up.
Once our youngest brother agrees to come over and bring his letter, Reed shoves his phone back into his pocket and turns his attention back to me.
“Go get the fucking letter, Ryker. Remy will be here in just a few minutes,” Reed orders, his voice harsh just like Dad’s before the lecture came.
Rolling my eyes, I do as he says, even though it’s the last damn thing I want to do. Hasn’t my day had enough drama already?
Remy pulls up just as I’m shutting the passenger door on my car, so I stop and wait for him to reach me.
“What the hell, Ryker?” he asks grumpily, walking up the sidewalk toward me. “Why is Reed demanding I come over so damn early and bring this stupid letter with me?”
I shrug. “He says it’s important. Have you read yours?”
“Fuck no. What’s the point? I’m sure it’s just some ‘I’m proud of you boys’ bullshit he couldn’t tell us when he was alive. I’m past the point of needing Dear Old Dad’s approval.”
Ouch. I guess I’m not the only one harboring some resentment toward our father.
The front door opens before we make it halfway up the walk and Reed stands in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face.
“Are you guys coming in, or should we do this outside?” The sarcasm that laces his words makes me want to slug him.
Remy and I both roll our eyes but follow Reed inside. Fallon was busy while I was outside trying to convince myself to grab the letter out of my glove box. There are three steaming mugs of coffee on the short table in front of the couch, and plates with sandwiches for each of us too. How the woman who just had a baby can whip up coffee and sandwiches so fast amazes me, but then again, she puts up with Reed, so she has to be pretty fucking amazing to do that.
My stomach is in too many knots to even attempt to eat, but I grab the cup of coffee gratefully and take a sip before taking a seat. Remy sits beside me but has no such qualms about eating. He shoves one half of a sandwich into his mouth and sits back on the loveseat, spreading his legs out and relaxing like he has no cares in the world.
Reed gestures toward the letters in our hands. “Read them. Now.”
Being adults hasn’t made my older brother any less bossy, but I know I’m not going to get out of this without doing what he wants, so I break the seal on the envelope and pull out the single sheet of paper. From the corner of my eye, I see Remy doing the same. I unfold the paper and start reading it, and within seconds, my mind’s unable to keep up with my eyes.
Ryker,
I’m sorry. I know those two words are practically meaningless, especially now, but I truly am. Losing your mother broke my heart, and I didn’t know how to even begin to deal with her loss. Now, I’m facing my own mortality, and all I can see is the multitude of mistakes I made during my life. Both with your mother, and with you three boys.
Your mother and you boys were the best things to ever happen to me, and I took that for granted. I never fully understood everything that went into raising children, and I spent a large amount of time neglecting your mother and you boys when you were small. Of course, it’s not like she let me get away with it. Your mother was fierce as hell, strong as an ox, and as determined as a mule. You were barely a year old when she sent me packing for being a jackass.
And as much as I’d like to tell you I straightened right up, I can’t. I’m human, and I made so many mistakes. Telling you and your brothers about my indiscretions is hard, but there’s something the three of you need to know. Something I’ve been trying to find the words to tell you for months now but have been unable to do.
You see, when your mother booted my ass out, I was angry. So angry and full of righteous indignation. Who was she to tell me I was failing as a husband and a father? I brought home the money, I made sure her and you and Reed were happy, but instead of falling to my knees and apologizing to her, begging her forgiveness, for letting her know how much she really meant to me, I had an affair.
His words shock me. How did I never know he and Mom had problems? Their marriage always seemed perfect. I look up at Reed, not sure I want to read further, but he nods, his arms crossed over his chest, looking as menacing as ever. “Finish it.”
Right now, in this moment, I hate him a little for not just telling Remy and I what our dad did. Why make us read this confession? Taking a deep breath, I go back to the godforsaken letter, even though my eyes are burning with the tears I’m trying to keep inside.
The affair didn’t last long. Less than a week. But even a short affair is a betrayal. I never told your mother it happened. Once it was over, I felt so damn guilty. The guilt is what let me do what I needed, to beg her forgiveness. She never knew my apology was more about my having an affair than leaving her to tend to two small children without my help.
Once I came home, things between us were good, better than they’d been before. I made it a point to be home for dinner, to help her put you boys to bed, and before I knew it, she was pregnant with Remy and things got even more hectic.
I’ve always wondered if your mom getting sick was God’s version of karma on me. Maybe he took her away from me because I lied? I wasn’t faithful to the vows I gave her, and I never told her what happened. You boys didn’t deserve to lose your mom, and once she was gone, the guilt became more than I could live with. That’s why I started spending all my time at work again. I couldn’t look the three of you in the face for a long time.
You’re probably wondering why I’m doing all this rambling, why I’m destroying the happy family you thought you had all this time.
About a month ago, the woman I had the affair with made an appointment under a different name and came to see me. I recognized her immediately, and even more importantly, I recognized the extreme amount of guilt in her eyes.
You see, son, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets. She kept a pretty damn big one from me too. It turns out, that week we had together, well, it left her with a baby in her belly. One she never told me about.
Sure, she had explanations. How she came to tell me, but couldn’t because she saw I was happy. Then, when she tried again, your mother was there and she was too afraid.
Karma got me again, because I’m finding out I have a daughter when I know I’m not going to be around to get to know her.
I know I should. I should meet her and spend whatever time with her I can, but how do I enter her life when I know I’ll be leaving it so soon? It’s better for her if I leave her be. I’m sure she hates me for abandoning her for her entire life, even if I wasn’t aware that she existed.
This is where you and your brothers come in, Ryker. This girl, Marie Duchesne, she’s your sister. You deserve to know her, to have her in your life, and she deserves to have the family she never did.
I wish I was strong enough to tell you this while I’m still here, but I can’t stomach the thought of seeing you look at me with disgust in your eyes. You already hold so much anger towards me. I can’t handle you hating me too. I didn’t want your last memories of my life to be tainted by anger. I hope you can forgive me.
Love,
Dad
When I get to the end of the letter, I can’t look away. Marie Duchesne? Ava’s roommate Marie? How is that even possible? Does Ava know? I dismiss the question almost immediately. No, if she knew she, would have made Marie introduce herself or kept her away from us completely to protect her. Knowing she’s my half-sister, though, explains so much. The hostility in her eyes anyt
ime I was near her, the way she went stiff last night at Fallon’s bachelorette party when the three of us walked in.
Remy clears his throat, bringing me out of my thoughts, and when I look over at him, his eyes are glassy with unshed tears and he looks devastated.
“We have a sister?” His voice breaks on the word, and he swallows hard.
Reed has to clear his throat before he answers. “We do.” Remy looks up at him like he doesn’t understand what’s happening, and he’s not alone. I felt so lost when I came over this morning, but now? Now I feel like I’ve been cast out to sea without a lifeboat.
I watch as Reed comes over so he’s standing in front of us and sits on the edge of the coffee table so the three of us are on the same level. “This is something we need to handle. The girl—” Remy interrupts him to say her name, and Reed nods. “Marie. She’s just as much of a victim as we are in this. She didn’t ask to be born, and we can’t hold it against her.”
All I can do is nod my agreement. I don’t trust my voice to speak.
Remy chuckles, punching me on the shoulder and trying to break the tension in the room. “Hey, you know what I just thought about?” Reed and I both turn to look at him, and he explains. “Maybe Dad is the reason you met Ava. If you hadn’t met her, we would have to search for Marie. Ava coming along when she did, being friends with her? That can’t just be a crazy coincidence.”
The thought that my father might have brought Ava to me the way he pushed Fallon and Reed together is what breaks me. I stand, rubbing my hands along the sides of my pants in agitation. I can’t sit or stand still, and I don’t want to be here anymore.
“I have to go.” I don’t wait for them to say anything, but I hear Reed call my name as I slam the front door behind me. I have no clue where I’m going, but I need space, time to think and plan my next steps.
No matter what, Ava is mine, and I’m not letting her go. Even if I have to go through my half-sister to get her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ava
When I pull into the parking garage across the street from Ryker’s apartment, my hands are shaking and I feel like I’m going to throw up. What am I going to do if he slams the door in my face or tells me to my face to go away and that he never wants to see me again? Even worse, what if he threatens to take the baby away from me?
Logically, I know he wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about the possibility. He was so angry when he left my apartment. I don’t want to make things worse. I also don’t want to keep any more secrets from him.
It seems like it takes forever to get to his floor. Why does he have to live so damn far up? I mean, there’s an elevator, a really nice one, so it’s not like I’m walking up a million flights of stairs, but knowing why I’m here makes it seem like I’m taking more steps backward than forward. In fact, I’m pretty sure the elevator stopped on every single floor on the way up, plus went back down a few times, too, just to give me more time to freak out.
I finally make it to his floor, and when I walk up to his door, I freeze with my hand in the air, ready to knock. Must. Not. Chicken. Out. The shitty pep talk doesn’t help much, but I’m finally able to lower my fist and bang, bang, bang on his door.
There’s no noise. No footsteps coming to look and see who’s at the door, no curse when he sees it’s me…nothing. I knock again, but the result is the same.
Seriously? I spent how much time working up the nerve to come over here, and he’s not even here? Where could he possibly be? It’s after four, and it’s been hours since he left my apartment.
When he still doesn’t answer, I turn so my back is facing the door and slide down until my ass hits the floor. I send a quick message to Gabby and Marie, letting them know he’s not here and that coming here was pointless.
Gabby: It’s NOT pointless, Ava. He has to come back sometime, right? Just chill out for a few and see if he comes in. Go sit in the lobby, or even run to Starbucks and get a snack or something.
Marie: What Gabby said. Don’t puss out now. Grab those lady balls and get your man!
The two of them make me smile, but my smile soon turns to tears when I realize Ryker isn’t even here. I slide down his door and pull my legs up to my chest so I can wrap my arms around them and hide my face from anyone who comes down this hall. I don’t want anyone seeing me cry.
The tears keep coming no matter how much I wipe them away, and slowly I find myself sobbing. Why I’m crying, I don't know. I did this to myself. I hid the truth from him. It’s my fault I’m so miserable right now. If I’d just been honest and explained it all to him, maybe we would be here together right now.
I sniffle, wiping my nose against the sleeve of my shirt. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here crying, but the sound of heavy footfalls coming down the hall has me pulling myself into a tighter ball to look invisible to whoever it is that’s coming this way. As they grow closer, my anxiety mounts because Ryker’s apartment is at the end of the hallway along with one other, so there’s not many people this could be. I’m scared to look up just in case it’s him.
When the footsteps cease right in front of me, I force myself to pull out of my ball and look up at the passerby, but it’s not a stranger’s eyes I meet. No, these eyes belong to the man I love, and the stormy blue in them tells me a raging inferno is brewing deep inside him.
Any words I want to say are lodged deep in my throat when he kneels down in front of me, taking my face in his hands. His touch is soft and warms me all over. He wipes my tears away with his thumbs while he stares at me like I’m his entire world.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and I shake my head, wanting to stop him from apologizing. He shuts me up with a “let me talk” look. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and seeing you cry is tearing me the fuck apart. I need you to stop crying, baby. My emotions are just as close to the surface as yours, and we still need to talk.”
I nod, my chest vibrating as I try and calm myself down. We stay like this for a long moment, me taking in his woodsy scent and letting the warmth of his touch radiate through me, while he tries to comfort me. Then, when he thinks I’m ready, he hauls me up into his arms and unlocks the door, bringing us both inside. I don’t know how to describe the way having him hold me in his arms feels.
“I’m sorry, Ryker.” The words spill from my lips before he’s even shut the door. “I wasn’t hiding our baby. I swear.” I want to apologize again and again, but I know he won’t have any of that. He’s made that clear. Ryker doesn’t say anything, and it makes me nervous, until he wraps me up in his arms and carries me to the couch, still cradling me in his arms. He holds me like this for a long time, so long I almost drift off to sleep. All my tears and all my worrying has exhausted me.
He’s so warm, and his embrace comforts me in ways I never thought a man’s embrace could.
“I don’t need you to apologize, Ava. You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve been more understanding. I should’ve stayed and listened to what you were trying to say, but I didn’t.” I can see regret reflecting back at me in his eyes, and I open my mouth to say something, but he stops me by placing a finger against my lips.
“I’m not done just yet, baby. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that’s not okay. I never want to make you feel like you and our baby mean nothing to me, or that I would abandon you. I promise, I never will.” He soothes my worries with his words, his hands cupping my cheeks and bringing my lips to his.
Until this moment, I never understood the meaning of kissing someone because words can’t explain the way you feel. Ryker’s kiss steals my breath. It makes my heart break, and it pieces me back together again with pieces of himself inside me.
His lips are gentle, and I’ve never experienced a kiss so pure. I can’t stop the tears from slipping from my eyes, and when he realizes I’m crying, he pulls away slightly, his gaze roaming my face.
“I love you,” I croak.
Something strange happens in that
second. Ryker doesn’t look shocked, or even surprised in the least. He simply presses a kiss against my nose and says, “I love you, too.” I blink, shocked at his response. He said he loves me. He fucking loves me. Our relationship isn’t over before it had a chance to begin.
I’m so happy, but I also know I have to tell him about Marie. “I have to tell you something.” Ryker looks down at me questioningly, and I try to force the words out. “I found out Marie is your half-sister today. She told Gabby and me earlier, and as soon as she did, I knew I had to tell you. The last thing I want is for you to think I’m hiding something else from you.”
A smile pulls at his lips. “I already know, sweetheart. Reed told me earlier that Dad left us each a letter that explains everything.” He maneuvers me so he can take something out of his back pocket, and when he pulls it out, he puts it in my hands. It’s just a single sheet of paper with handwriting on it. My gaze drops down to the paper and then back up to him.
“Read it,” he urges, so I do. I unfold the paper and read every single word. The letter gives a much clearer picture of Marie’s story. I read the letter once, and then a second time, absorbing the words and what they truly mean.
Marie and Ryker are half-siblings. Meaning Ryker and I coming together literally brought all of them together. That’s so crazy. It’s almost like we were destined to meet.
“My dad made a lot of shitty choices in his life…” He trails off, his hands moving down to my flat stomach. “But the best choice he ever made was bringing you to me.” He nuzzles my belly, laying me out flat against the couch, before sliding onto the floor so he can rest his head against my belly. He pushes my shirt up and presses kisses against the nonexistent bump where his child is nestled.