by Ann Steinke
He ran a hand through his hair, then gave me a searching look. “But if we make it, you won’t ever have to teach English,” he said. “Besides, you could use the connections you’d have in the music business to get storytelling jobs.”
I bit my lip, knowing that I couldn’t let him go on thinking that I shared his dreams. “Scott, I’m sorry,” I said. “But as much as playing in the band has been a dream come true, music is not the most important aspect of my life. You’ve wanted to be a musician for years. I just wanted to have fun with music—not make it my whole life.” I looked at him, hoping he’d understand.
He swallowed, and then sighed. “I guess I’m stupid to expect you to become a part of my dreams, huh?”
I touched his arm. “Scott, you can still be a musician even if I don’t want to make a career of it. You have all the talent anyway.”
“That’s not true,” Scott objected. But then a smile spread across his face. “You really think I’m talented?”
“Yes,” I said sincerely. And it was true. Scott probably had the skill to go on to be a professional musician. I was pretty good, too, but I knew I wasn’t in his league.
Somehow I got through the next week. I had finally saved enough money to get my car fixed, so that made me feel pretty good. I told Ter that she should let me drive her around for a while in exchange for all the times she’d picked me up and taken me home, and she said something strange in response: “I’m not sure I’ll feel safe being driven by someone who acts as if an alien has taken over her body.”
“What do you mean?” I said, confused. We were talking on the phone, and I wished that I could see her face.
“I mean, you haven’t been you lately,” she said. “Sometimes I look at you and you have this weird expression on your face, as if you’re just a little bit crazy.” She paused, and then said in a gentle voice that almost tore my heart out, “Is something wrong between you and Scott? You know I love you more than anyone, and if you need to talk about it, I’m here.”
“I know,” I choked out. “But really, Ter, there’s nothing to talk about.”
Two weeks had passed since Lou and I broke up. We had both managed to get through the times we practiced with the band—but we didn’t look at each other much during the sessions. Scott had been rehearsing us like crazy for the next gig, so we hadn’t had any time for much more than our music. And there were no opportunities for the four of us to go out. So that helped. But it was getting harder for me to pretend Lou wasn’t in the band room during orchestra, or behind me in the garage during our sessions.
I continued to work at Taco Bell, but I was growing more and more weary of the job. I began waiting on people as if I were in a trance, and I walked around like a tired old woman. Then, one night, I spotted Lou waiting in line behind a customer I was serving.
“Lou!” I exclaimed.
He waved and gave me a half smile.
Quickly I served the customer, and Lou stepped forward, looking around anxiously. “Uh, I knew you worked tonight so I decided to drop by,” he said. “I have to talk to you. I, uh, can’t stand not being with you anymore.”
The heaviness that had weighed me down suddenly lifted. “Oh, Lou!” I said. “I want to talk to you, too. But when?”
“I’m on my way to work right now,” he said. “And I have to work right after school tomorrow, but I get off at seven. So can you meet me at the library tomorrow night around seven fifteen?” He grinned. “Our usual aisle?”
I nodded vigorously.
“Great. See you then,” he said. He smiled, then turned and left the restaurant.
Lou missed me! It had to mean he cared! I thought as I scurried around Taco Bell, serving customers at breakneck speed. It was strange that he picked the library as our meeting place, but maybe he thought it was the safest place to meet. If anyone we knew saw us there, they’d think we were just studying.
I was in the library the next night at exactly seven. Lou came in fifteen minutes later. I rose from the table where I’d been waiting and strolled toward the aisle. I was beginning to develop affection for that aisle. Wonderful things always happened when I was in it. Soon I’d even stop complaining about economics, I thought, laughing.
Lou rounded the corner and walked up to me, enfolding me in his arms. “Krista,” he whispered in my ear. “The last couple of weeks have been awful. Every time I was near you, I would go out of my mind. I can’t take it anymore.”
I hugged him. Mixed emotions clogged my throat, making it impossible for me to speak at first. But finally I managed. “I can’t take it anymore either,” I said.
Lou took my hand, and we left the library. We sat in his truck and kissed until neither of us could breathe anymore.
Then he took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat. “Even if you don’t feel the same way about me, I have to tell you something,” he said, looking at me. “Krista, I . . . I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
“Then why did you send me away?” I asked, confused. “Why did you go back to Ter?”
“I didn’t go back to Ter,” he said. “I haven’t exactly ended things with her, but I haven’t spent any time alone with her either.” He took my hand. “And Krista, I never sent you away.”
“Yes, you did,” I insisted. “That night at the winery you said that if we weren’t in love with each other—’”
“But you didn’t argue!” Lou blurted out. “I figured if you did love me, you’d have said so right then. But when you didn’t, I assumed your feelings for me weren’t that strong. At least not strong enough to want to break up our friendships with Ter and Scott.”
I listened to his explanation, struggling to make sense of it all. I shook my head in disbelief. I had misinterpreted everything he had said that night at the winery.
“And let’s face it,” he went on. “If we tell them, it’s going to mean the end of our friendships. I mean, Scott’s wild about you. If I take you away from him, he’ll never forgive me.” He paused and leaned in closer to me. “Krista, how do you feel about Scott?”
“Don’t you know?” I asked incredulously. I kissed him hard. “Can’t you tell what I want? I don’t want Scott.” I bit my lip before going on. “Lou, I love you.”
Lou took a deep breath. “Man, what a waste!” he said, raising his hands to his head. “All this misery just because I didn’t know how you felt. Talk about stupid.”
I smiled at him. “Well, that’s all over now.”
“Yeah.” He frowned and looked at me. “Now we gotta tell Scott and Teresa. And who knows? Maybe they’ll understand.” He shook his head doubtfully. “We just have to tell them that we want to be with each other. And maybe they’ll want what’s best for us. Right?”
“I don’t know, Lou,” I said honestly. “If things were reversed, how would we react?”
We looked at each other and knew the answer. It was going to be an awful scene.
We decided to break the news to Scott and Ter at our practice session right after school the next day. As soon as we got to Lou’s garage, I positioned myself right beside Lou.
“We have something we’d like to talk about before we, uh, play,” Lou said, facing Scott and Ter.
My stomach heaved, my fingers were ice cold, and I thought my legs were going to give out under me.
“What is it?” Scott asked, looking puzzled.
Lou shifted on his feet and glanced at me briefly “First I want to say that Krista and I really care for you guys,” he began.
I saw Scott’s and Ter’s reaction to hearing Lou say, “Krista and I.” Scott had suddenly stood stock still. Ter’s face paled, and her eyes danced from me to Lou, as if she were afraid to look at either one of us.
“We would never deliberately do anything to hurt you,” Lou went on. “And we both know what we’re about to tell you might do that.” He paused, and I saw a muscle jump in his jaw. Then he glanced at me, and I tried to send him an encouraging look. “Krista and I have discovered tha
t we care for each other and we want to date each other.”
Ter gasped.
“You mean, you and Krista instead of me and Krista?” Scott said, sounding confused.
“So that’s why you’ve been acting so funny!” Ter exclaimed, looking at me. Then her eyes settled on Lou, and she looked at him with warmth and sadness.
“Oh, Ter!” I said, lurching forward. “I didn’t want this to happen. I fought it. You have to believe me.” I stood in front of her, my eyes begging her to understand.
She shook her head. “And all this time I thought maybe you weren’t getting along with Scott,” she said in a tight voice. “I never would’ve thought you were after Lou.”
I moved toward her, but she backed away from me. Shaking her head, she continued backing up until she reached the open garage door. She looked at Lou. “And I really thought you were different from the other guys,” she spat out at him. Then her expression changed, and she appeared deeply injured. “I guess you are different, but you still don’t want me.” She stood there, looking like a lost child.
Lou looked helpless. “I’m sorry, I just—” He lowered his eyes, unable to go on. Then he added lamely, “You really are a special person, Teresa. But I guess that wasn’t enough to make things work between us. The more I was around Krista, the more I realized that I really liked her.”
“Just when did you two decide all this?” Scott said, his tone biting.
“Well, uh, a couple of weeks ago,” Lou said in a low voice. “More like three or four.”
“What?” Scott said. He shook his head as if he didn’t trust his hearing. Then he switched his gaze to me. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
“Krista and I were seeing each other for a couple of weeks without telling you guys,” Lou confessed, “just to see if we really did like each other.” He spoke hurriedly, as if he needed to get the story out fast. “Then we decided we couldn’t hurt you guys, so we tried to go back to having things the way they were. But it didn’t work. We really care about each other.”
Scott started pacing around the garage. “So what about the band?” he asked. “I mean, will we keep playing?”
“No, I couldn’t!” Ter shouted.
Scott raised his eyebrows and looked at her. “What do you mean, you couldn’t? Doesn’t the band mean anything to you?”
Ter just shook her head, staring first at me, then at Lou.
“But we just got ourselves some gigs,” Scott said almost desperately. “We’re starting to earn money. What am I supposed to tell that guy from the condos?”
“Maybe we can still play,” I heard myself suggest. Right. And maybe we could all sign a suicide pact, I thought. It wouldn’t hurt any less.
“I don’t know if it would work,” Lou said, looking at Ter.
“Oh, come on,” Scott insisted. “This band is more important than our personal lives. It wouldn’t be the first time romances in a band regrouped. That happens all the time. Are we going destroy a great band just because our love lives didn’t work out the way we wanted?” He was looking at Ter, almost begging her.
I realized then how far Scott would go to follow his dreams. Music came before everything else in his life. And even though I didn’t want to be with Scott, I couldn’t help but feel hurt that he seemed more upset about the band dissolving than about our relationship ending. Then I chastised myself. Maybe it was better if we kept the band going. It wasn’t that important to me, but if Lou wanted to give it a try, I would too.
I walked over to Scott. “I guess I could keep playing,” I said.
“Well, I won’t!” Ter yelled. She glared at Scott. “There are more important things than playing a couple of guitars. Things like loyalty!” She shot me a piercing look. “I can’t believe you would do this, Krista. You knew how much I cared for Lou.” Tears were beginning to stream down her cheeks. She swallowed, then said in a voice filled with torment, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore—not if you can do something like this!” She stifled a cry, then spun around and ran to her car.
“Wait!” Scott called and raced after her. It should have been me who ran after her, but I felt as if my feet were encased in blocks of ice.
Lou took my hand and held it. But the warmth of his hand gave me little comfort.
Scott came back into the garage. “Teresa’s really hurting,” he said. “I sure hope it’s all worth it.” He turned his back to us and started to collect his instruments.
Lou and I watched as he packed up his things. After he was through, he looked at me. “Teresa’s not the only one who got hurt.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. What could I possibly say?
Scott loaded up in his Jeep and drove away, and I collapsed in Lou’s arms, my body wracked with soul-deep tears.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Life without Ter was awful. Having her around was something I had gotten so used to. Now that she was gone, I felt as if someone close to me had died. I drove to school alone everyday. There was no one to share thoughts with on the way. And there were no more telephone calls from her after dinner. I missed her terribly.
Without band practice, Lou and I had more time to spend together. But still, we were miserable.
“Scott doesn’t even talk to me,” Lou said the week following the big scene. “Except maybe to answer my questions with one word. I have to phrase my questions so that they only require a yes or no in response.”
We were parked at Morro Bay, sitting in his truck and staring out to sea. Our fingers were locked together, and Lou had an arm slung over my shoulders.
“Ter’s worse,” I told him. “She sees me coming down the hall and turns away. She makes sure she’s never at her locker when I’m at mine. And orchestra is horrible. It’s so hard to sit next to someone who won’t look at you, or talk to you.”
“Scott’s not that bad,” he said.
“Has he said anything about the gig?” I asked.
“He just said he’d handle it, that’s all.” Lou dug in his pants pocket and handed me a clipping from a newspaper. “Read this,” he said.
“Band members wanted,” I said, reading out loud. “Lead guitarist and keyboardist need drummer and base guitarist. Gigs booked. Need players quick.”
“That phone number’s Scott’s,” Lou said. “You know what that means?”
“Yeah, I guess he convinced Ter to play. I didn’t know.” I folded up the ad, then looked at Lou. “Are you sorry?” I knew he didn’t need me to explain what I was asking. I had asked myself the same question over and over again. Was our relationship worth losing our best friends?
“No,” he said firmly. Then he hugged me closer. “I love you, Krista. Those two will come around. Just give them time.” His words were reassuring, but his tone lacked the conviction I wanted to hear.
Cathy called me on the phone a week after the big blow out to find out what the story was. Rumors had been flying all over school. I explained the whole situation to her as best I could.
“What a mess,” she said. “And everyone in school thought it was so neat about you guys.” She paused. “But you know, Krista. You and Ter go way back. That’s got to be good for something. Maybe if I talk to her—”
“No!” I cried. I didn’t want Ter to think I was talking behind her back. “Just keep this between you and me,” I told Cathy.
“Well, okay,” Cathy agreed reluctantly.
Lou and I were really upset about losing Scott and Ter, and we talked about it constantly. But I don’t think either one of us realized just how depressed we were, until one Monday night, two weeks after the band split up.
Lou and I were in his truck, heading for Pismo Beach to catch the sunset. The air was clear, and there had been a breeze all day that had blown the fog out. It was pretty warm for an October night, and I was feeling particularly blue. So Lou thought watching the sunset might cheer me up.
We were driving down Grande Avenue, approaching the entr
ance to the beach, and I was crying. Lou kept trying to reason with me, but nothing he said made me feel any better.
“Krista, I really think we have to put this whole mess behind us, and get on with us,” he told me.
“Well maybe you can do that, but I can’t!”
Lou sighed. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy.”
“It’s impossible,” I said. “My friendship with Ter goes so far back. I almost don’t know who I am without her.”
“Well, my friendship with Scott goes way back too,” he said, sounding slightly annoyed.
“If you think it’s possible to put this behind us, then obviously guys don’t have the same kind of relationships girls do,” I said angrily.
“Oh, really?” Lou said, his voice rising. “Where did you get that idea?”
I’d never heard Lou use that tone of voice before, and I felt as if I’d just been slapped. I was about to apologize, but he went on.
“Get this straight,” he said fiercely. “My friendship with Scott is just as important to me as yours is with Teresa.” He slammed a fist on the steering wheel, and I jerked back, frightened. “I suppose you think guys are supposed to be these macho types without any feelings. Well maybe we don’t show them like you girls, but we sure do have—”
“Look out!” I screamed.
A tiny dog had dashed out into the street, chasing a ball. Some kids nearby had their mouths open, but I couldn’t hear their screaming. Lou wrenched the wheel instinctively, and we crossed over to the oncoming lane.
I remember seeing the big panel truck coming at us and the look on the driver’s face. I remember how it felt when Lou slammed on the brakes. The seat belt cut into my body, and I heard the sound of metal crunching and glass shattering. I remember thinking a ridiculous thought: We’re going to miss the sunset.
And that’s all I remember.
We were told that the driver of the panel truck had only minor injuries and was released from the hospital almost immediately. Lou’s truck took a beating, though. And so did we. I woke up in our community hospital, feeling sore all over. Bandages seemed to cover most of my body: my chest, my arms, my head. I stared up at the ceiling, afraid to move. What happened? I wondered. The door to the hallway was open, and I could hear voices. Then my mother and father came in.