by L. B. Dunbar
I uncrossed my legs to stand and noticed Nana was dozing. Turning back to Katie, I made a “sh” sign with my finger extended across my lips. Unfortunately, I knocked into the low glass wrought iron table as I stood because of the shaking in my achy legs. I started to giggle and had to cover my mouth. When I looked at Katie, her little tan hands had covered her mouth in imitation. She looked like she was trying to hold in a smile, or possibly laughter.
I crossed the porch to enter the main house through the doorway into the dining room and almost jumped out of my skin to see Jess leaning against the wall just inside the room. It was obvious he had been listening, but for how long I didn’t know. His head rested back against the plaster with his eyes closed and his arms crossed over his chest. His lean forearms were bare and muscles strained under his tan skin. I stopped to stand directly in front of him. He opened his eyes slowly and stared back at me. There was not the usual hardness I had come to expect in his eyes and for a moment I thought I saw them sparkle as he looked at me, but then I noticed the clenched jaw and I braced myself for an insult. Defensively, I crossed my own arms, but he didn’t say a word.
My patience was a short fuse today in regards to him and I had brushed quickly past him in the direction of the kitchen when his hand gently caught my arm above the elbow. I stopped, glancing down at the hand circling my upper arm, and looked at him over my shoulder. Thank you, he mouthed without a sound. In that moment, my heart could have melted to the floor. My skin burned from this physical contact and I momentarily imagined what it would feel like to have his hands on me in other places. Stop it, I scolded myself, as I nodded my head to acknowledge his gratitude.
When I returned through the dining room with a tray of lemonade and cookies, Nana had awaken and asked Jess to join us. At first he refused her with a shake of his head, but I sensed he felt the pressure not to deny an older woman her request and he consented. I resumed my seat next to Katie, which forced Jess to sit opposite me in another chair near Nana.
“Well, look at this spread. At my age, I love to have cookies before lunchtime,” Nana said with a wink to Katie.
“And who do we have here? You must introduce me to your friend, Emily.”
At the implication of introducing Jess, I felt my face grow warm with a blush.
“Nana, you know Jess Carter. He’s the handyman you had me call.”
I tensed for a moment, worried that Nana’s occasional confusion would cause her to forget, but Nana pulled through.
“Oh yes, how is the sink? Enough repairs needed around here without the children breaking more things.”
“Nana?” My voice was a hushed whisper as I sipped my lemonade, but my tone squeaked with my potential concern. Oh no.
“Dear, you mustn’t be upset. I know it was an accident, right Emily dear?”
My eyes followed Nana’s gaze and I realized she was not addressing me directly, but Katie.
“Emily, who did your mother say was her friend?” Nana continued to address Katie, despite her questions being directed at me. Of course, Katie did not respond and I could sense the confusion vibrating off the little girl next to me. Jess leaned forward in his seat as I turned to my grandmother.
“Nana, Jess Carter. He came to repair the sink for me, Emily.” My voice had grown strained as I raised it unintentionally while Nana stared at Jess.
“Well, I know women are wearing pants nowadays, but the pony tail with the headband thing does not work for a young lady.” If the tension hadn’t grown so thick, and my concern hadn’t reached a level of pure fright, Nana’s comment would have put me into a state of total hysterical laughter.
Instead, I immediately stood and begged Jess with my troubled eyes to take Katie and leave the room.
“Nana, I think I’ll walk our guests out now. Thank you both for coming to our book discussion,” I addressed Jess and Katie as if they were both there for a social call.
In turn, Nana replied, “Yes, thank you for coming. It was a pleasure to see you again, Jess, and your lovely daughter, Katie.”
The moment had passed for Nana, but I still beckoned Jess to leave with a wave of my hand toward the front rooms. As I followed Jess to the door with Katie leading the way, I noticed again the strength in his arms. When they reached the front porch, Jess turned toward me, and I quickly handed him the check for his work. He looked up at me again with those deep blue eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I hope she’s okay.” I added, motioning with my head toward Katie who was skipping across the lawn to Jess’ truck.
“I’m leaving tomorrow for Chicago. Thanks for fixing the sink. Again, I’m so sorry about Nana.” I was rambling to fill the awkward silence.
Jess took two steps down the porch stairs before he turned around to face me again. I continued to wait for him to say something, but he didn’t. He raised his hand with the check and shook it, saying “Thank you” as he walked away.
I WAS VERY nervous the next day to leave Nana overnight. I had decided I had to return home, grab a month’s worth of clothing, call my editor, and get my laptop. Leaving early in the morning, I would arrive to Chicago with enough time to make the necessary calls within business hours, spend the night in my place, pay bills, pack clothes, and return the following morning. I only hoped the magazine editor would be empathetic enough to let me work from this remote location for a few weeks.
Sue Carpenter had agreed to come spend the night with Nana. She joked that she would enjoy the girls’ night in because she could put the television channel to what she wanted to watch. I’d ordered dinner to be delivered at 6:00 pm and Sue said not to worry about breakfast the next day.
As I packed my small travel bag in the back of my Jetta, Jess’ truck pulled into the Carpenter’s driveway. I casually gazed in his direction, but I knew he would not look back at me. However, Katie was also in his truck, and she was staring in my direction, so I waved before I closed the trunk to my car. I headed back to the porch to say goodbye to Nana, and Sue Carpenter waved to me from her own porch before turning to talk to Jess. Suddenly, Katie bolted across the two yards, running up to me, and stopping directly in front of me. I glanced over her head into the next yard where Jess stood still, staring back at his daughter with quizzical concern on his face.
“Katie, honey, did you come to say good-bye?” I bent down to be on Katie’s level. “I have to go home for a day or two. I have to go back to Chicago.”
Silence.
“I need more underwear.” I tried to joke, glanced nervously over Katie’s shoulders in the direction of Jess.
Silence.
“I hope I can see you when I come back,” I addressed Katie again before I searched out Sue Carpenter, who’d crossed into Nana’s yard. I was willing her to help me in what I found to be an awkward situation, but she only shrugged her shoulders in wonderment. I wanted to hug Katie desperately, but I didn’t want to frighten her by grabbing her, so I opted instead for a playful poke to her stomach.
“When I come back, we can read more stories, okay?”
Silence.
I stood up and locked eyes with Jess. He hadn’t moved. He was still balancing his tool belt over his shoulder with one hand while the other hand remained frozen in his front jeans pocket. My eyes shifted downward at Katie. I smiled, and then turned my body toward my car. Time seemed to move in slow motion as soft words of fear filled the silence in the air.
“Take me. Take me with you to Chicago.”
Flowers should still be presented as a gift to a hostess, as a polite gesture before a date, or as an apology.
“Matters of Manners,” 1978
MY DRIVE TO Chicago became a blur as the clouds in the sky looked ready to release heavy raindrop tears, like I felt. I could still feel the pressure of Katie’s little arms wrapped around the back of my legs in a vice-grip-hold on my knees. When I lifted up the child, she was sobbing and clinging to me so hard I could almost feel each bone of her little body imprint on my own.
Sue Carpenter stood as still as a yard ornament, mouth open wide, gripping the bottom of her blouse. Jess, however, crossed the two lawns with three giant steps. Sue didn’t even blink at Jess as she pointed at Katie and me, mumbling over and over, “Did you hear that? Did you hear that?” Jess stood still behind Katie, staring at me. His eyes took on the glassy look of potential tears as he struggled to grasp what was happening around us. He went to reach for Katie, but I involuntarily put my palm up as a signal to wait and approach slowly. I returned the hug to Katie as much as I could, gently stroking her small back. She was so tiny and I felt overwhelmed with the power of her hugging me. I never realized how petite and light the little girl would feel, nor how strong-willed she might be to carry within her a dark secret.
I continued to brush Katie’s hair with my fingers, repeating shush and it’s okay, as Katie’s crying seemed to calm until I said, “I have to go.” Sobbing started again in earnest and Jess had to pry Katie off of me this time. My eyes searched his, desperate for guidance. The sobbing continued with the addition of tiny arms and legs flailing in all directions as Katie struggled in Jess’ hold.
“Just go,” he finally yelled over the commotion.
Hesitating for less than a minute, I ran toward my car and peeled out of the driveway, sending small pieces of gravel up into the air like a rain shower. In my rearview mirror, I watched Jess still struggling with Katie and Sue Carpenter running back to her own house. I didn’t realize until I was exiting town and almost to the highway that I never said goodbye to Nana.
I would learn all the details that followed my departure from Sue Carpenter. By the time I walked into my apartment back in Chicago after the six-hour drive, I collapsed onto the floor in the hallway with my cell phone and leaned against the wall as I dialed Nana’s number with shaky fingers. Sue answered on the first ring.
“Emily?” she breathed.
“Oh my God, Sue. Is everyone all right? What happened? Should I have stayed? Did I do the right thing by going? Did…”
“Whoa, slow down, girl. First things first, Elizabeth is fine. We had dinner and talked. She read while I knitted and now she’s in bed.”
“Oh Nana. Right. Thank you, Sue. Thank you so much,” I interrupted. “What happened after I left? I feel so awful, Sue. So terrible.”
“Katie basically freaked out, for lack of a better explanation, as you saw. I still can’t believe she spoke. She spoke for the first time in years. It’s a miracle.” Sue sounded ecstatic as her voice rose in praise.
“Wait. Sue. She was hysterical,” I emphasized.
“Oh, I know and so does your grandmother’s garden. Jess finally put her down when he thought it was safe and she wouldn’t chase after the car like a rabid dog. Her little arms and legs were flailing all over and I won’t be surprised if she bruised Jess good. When he first set her down, she went limp. Her legs didn’t want to hold her up, but she sprung up like a water fountain and took off for Elizabeth’s flowers. She started tearing every flower off the top of each plant, mumbling, “Flowers DON’T need love. Flowers DON’T need love.” I hope you don’t mind, Emily, but I let her go at it. Jess wanted to stop her, but I stopped him. She was having a good ole temper tantrum, and I’ll admit I think she needed it. After five minutes though Jess couldn’t take it anymore, and he yelled her name in a tone I’ve never heard him use. Of course, kids know that tone. It simply means enough.”
Sue paused, and I let the tears I’d been fighting run down my face in silence.
“My God, Sue, how is Jess?”
“He’s like a zombie, honey. He’s shell shocked if I ever saw it. I called his sister who is an EMT in town and she came right over. She at least made Jess sit down on the front porch swing of your grandmother’s house. Katie finally came to rest on the front steps and she’s hugging that banister like it’s a life preserver.”
“You say that like she’s still there.”
“Oh, she is.”
“What?! It’s been seven hours!”
“I think Jess was hoping Katie would just give up and fall asleep. Using all that energy can wipe you out as much as wind you up. But she hasn’t fallen asleep yet, stubborn thing. She’s droopy-eyed, but each time she nods off she wakes with a jolt, gasps for air, and grabs the pole like she’s drowning. I’ve been feeding Jess cups of coffee to stay awake as well.”
“So Jess is still there also. Can I talk to him?”
“Well, honey. I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
I heard the front screen door squeak open and Sue shut it gently with a click, and I could only imagine her trying to gesture at Jess with the phone.
“Like I said, I don’t think…”
“Are you coming back?” An angry voice growled through the line.
“Jess, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t do anything to her. I swear, I…”
“Just answer the fucking question, Emily.”
“Yes.” There was a shuffle in the background before Sue’s quiet voice spoke into the phone again.
“Emily, honey, you still there?” She paused.
I could only grunt my response through the tears.
“I think everyone needs some rest. But I tell you what, Emily, you were part of a miracle today. A miracle. And I pray to the Lord that a little ray of sunshine is back in that child.” Sue continued her prayer through the phone, but I knew she was addressing Jess as well me with her celebration.
“It’s a six hour drive, and I plan to leave by eight a.m. I should be there around 3:00 your time. Okay?”
“Perfect, honey. You be careful.”
I didn’t have the strength to get off the floor, so I slid onto my side, curled up my knees toward my chest, and closed my eyes, lying on the cool wooden floor of my apartment hallway.
IT WAS ALMOST midnight when I finally left my apartment. I had slept so soundly on the floor that when I woke up I knew I could never go back to sleep in my bed. The need to return to Elk Rapids was a force pulling me as I filled two suitcases, packed my laptop and printer, and left a message for my editor on my way out of the city explaining in a brief summary what I suspected was the seriousness of Nana’s situation. I proposed my plan for remote work for the next month.
I worked for Chicago Travels, a Midwestern magazine that highlighted adventures in and around Chicago. My position included traveling throughout the Midwest states to different festivals, town events, and holiday celebrations, which the magazine highlighted as day trips or weekend get-a-ways. It was my first “real” job after graduating from college with a degree in writing. I wanted to write books, informational books, but I had to start somewhere, and Chicago Travels was a good professional opportunity.
My boss, Jack Dooley, was half as old as me. He worked hard, but appreciated his staff, so he played hard as well. He was one of those rare bosses who expected much of you, but realized you were human and he allowed family first. I wasn’t one of the married-with-children people in our office, so I hadn’t had too much experience with asking for time off for family reasons. When I explained my situation with Nana, though, I could only hope he would be understanding and agree for me to work from Nana’s home.
I called Rosie on the drive out of Chicago. Despite the late hour, Rosie had trouble sleeping this late in her fourth pregnancy and I talked for almost an hour straight, detailing the whole situation from the moment I met Jess Carter to the time I left him. Rosie listened attentively.
“The girl suffers from post-traumatic stress,” she finally said.
“Isn’t that something you get after surgery or something?” I sighed.
“It’s post traumatic. That means after a trauma. If that little girl was alone a few hours, knowing her mother left her, who knows what is in her head. Not to mention what her mother might have said.”
“Why do you say that?”
“As
parents, we all say things we don’t mean – go away, leave me alone a minute. You don’t know what her mother said, if anything, before she left. And with no apology or explanation later, that little girl might think something adult-driven was her fault.”
“Rosie, how did you get so smart?’
“Practice.”
I giggled and Rosie spoke again.
“You like him?” At first it was a question, and then it was a tease. “You like him, don’t you?”
“What?”
“You like him. You like him,” Rosie sing-songed in a little-girl-sounding voice.
“He loathes me.”
“That never stopped you before.”
“Oh, Rosie, come on. He has a child. He probably misses his wife. I don’t know if he even knows where she is.”
“Complications.”
“Rosie, please,” I laughed.
“You need to get laid.”
“All right, that’s enough. This is serious.” Suddenly, I was getting angry.
“You’re right. It is. But unless you like him, this is not your concern. Get Nana and get out.” Rosie’s tone was serious this time.
I knew Rosie felt differently about Michigan then I did. Growing up, Rosie was a live-in-the-moment kind of girl. She liked it when she was there, and forgot about it when she wasn’t. After our mother’s death, Nana and Grandpa moved into our home down state to allow me to finish high school in a place I was already familiar. Rosie was practically out the door by then, heading to college the same year I entered high school. Although my grandparents took our mother’s space, they did not take her place. When Rosie left for college, though, she never came back. Not even for summers. The surprise of her abandoning us was upsetting to Nana.
I, on the other hand, was a girl who had to have a plan. I didn’t live in the moment, but always thought ahead. I had to know where I was going and what I was doing before I could make a move. I never lived in the now. When I went away to college, Grandpa had passed, and Nana moved back Up North to their original home. I felt I no longer had a place in Michigan. My original home had been sold. My college education was paid. I didn’t return.