by Ryan North
The sails are adjusted by your crew. As you turn towards the wind, the waves, which had previously been travelling with you, are now moving against you. Huge white-capped waves crest and splash over the deck.
“Hold on, men!” you shout into the gale.
Your ship heels over, almost capsizing with the intensity of the turn, but the sails keep just clear of the water and the manoeuvre is successful. As she rights herself, you see Calypso’s Gale ahead of you, bearing down, still at speed.
All you need to do is pass by her side and you’ll be free.
“Steady! STEADY!” you shout as the two ships approach each other, Vesselmania slipping by on the right. Looking at the crew of the pirate ship, you see them scrambling into the rigging, adjusting their sails as fast as they can. It shouldn’t be enough.
It shouldn’t be.
But they’re not trying to come about. They’re not trying to sidle up parallel to fire their cannons. Instead, they’ve thrown the rudder hard to port, sending the ship into a tight curve. They’re attempting to ram you, Hamlet.
“Hard to starboard! HARD TO STARBOARD!” you scream, but there’s not enough time. Calypso’s Gale tears into the side of your ship at full speed. You and the rest of the crew are knocked to the deck as Vesselmania is cleaved almost in two. You scramble to your feet and see that she’s somehow managed to stay together, impaled on the much larger bow of Calypso’s Gale. But she’s mortally wounded. She’s filling with water as we speak, Hamlet!
Looking up through the storm, you see ropes being thrown over the edge of the pirate ship. Pirates are sliding down them, swords at the ready, hoping to kill you and take whatever valuables they can find before Vesselmania finally capsizes. Given her current condition, they’d better be fast.
You’d better be fast too, whatever it is you decide to do next!
☠ Order the crew to abandon ship. Then commandeer the pirate vessel! ☠
» Order the crew to abandon ship. Then go below-decks to rescue Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! «
* * *
* * *
“Abandon ship! All hands, abandon ship!” you yell into the storm. The crew looks at you in shock, but there’s not much they can do.
“You want us to jump into the ocean?” someone yells.
“I don’t want you to jump into the ocean!” you reply. You bite down on the blade of your sword and begin to climb one of the ropes leading up to the pirate ship. Some of your men nearby realize what you’re doing and join in, climbing up other ropes.
Part way up, you turn around, grasp your sword, and shout down at your remaining crew:
“I WANT YOU TO JUMP INTO THE FIGHT!!”
Your crew shouts in defiance at the pirates, charges the ropes, and begins to climb.
☠ Continue climbing! ☠
* * *
* * *
You and your crew scramble up the ropes. Partway up, an explosion rocks Vesselmania IV. You hold tight to the rope as the force of the explosion reaches you, shooting debris upwards into the sky, taking your captain’s hat with it, and messing up your hair. Looking downward, you see the entire top deck of Vesselmania has been destroyed, revealing fires raging underneath. There’s no way anyone could’ve survived. You hope Rosencrantz and Guildenstern made it above-decks in time, but there’s too much storm for you to make out the others on the ropes below you clearly.
Maybe...maybe they made it to the ropes?
» Yes, that’s definitely what happened «
☠ No man, they died ☠
* * *
* * *
Hah, nice try! Your friends have to choose their OWN adventure here. You don’t get to make life-or-death choices for them! If you want to do that, you should play my other book, God: The Adventure! Decide How Each of Billions of Individual Stories End! Fun at First, Tedious Soon After (So Many Lives Are Depressingly Similar).
PERSONALLY though, I also hope Rosencrantz and Guildenstern survived, and I think that probably that counts for something?
So! As you’re climbing, lightning suddenly strikes the water below. A huge crash of thunder deafens you, but in that brief instant, the world is illuminated.
You see your young crew of almost 20 (both by count and by age), cutlasses at the ready, fighting as they climb. Pirates swarm down the lines, battling them for sport. Above them, on deck, they’re being cheered by a row of pirates. And at the very bow of the ship, looking down with a spyglass, stands the captain. He’s got a fancy hat and a parrot on his shoulder: the works. And he’s staring right at you through the storm.
The darkness of the storm is restored moments later. You grimly resume your climb. One way or another, you’re going to end this.
» Continue climbing, attack pirates! «
* * *
* * *
“Hey!” you yell. “Big bad pirate! Why don’t you come down here and fight me?”
The pirate seems reluctant, until you tell him that he’s a disappointment to his family, and how the grief and shame of having a child who grew up to work as a pirate — who BECAME a pirate — seems so colossal to your parents, and yet at the same time also so private and personal that they rarely speak of him, even to each other. They live with this invisible wall between them, always preventing them from being as close as they used to be, as they want to be again, the subject of their son somehow always in mind but never broached. His parents, who used to tell each other everything, now go to bed in silence, and this pirate’s actions — HIS choices — have created this thing, untouchable, unreal, that nevertheless heartlessly and inexorably drives his parents a little more into solitude each day. They’ve become strangers to each other.
The pirate hollers in rage at your way-sick diss and begins climbing down.
When he’s close, you brace your legs against the hull and push, but the pirate is ready for it and holds on tight. What he’s not ready for is the fact you pushed at an angle, sending you out into space and then back to the ship further to the left of where you had been. You grab another rope and in the same smooth action reach up and send your sword through his rope, just above of where he’s holding.
You watch as man and rope fall, silhouetted by the burning deck of Vesselmania IV. They disappear into the flames.
“You’re fired,” you say.
You manage to climb up quite a bit before another pirate takes his place. I hope for your sake you’ve got another trick up your sleeve!
☠ Push out from the ship, use your legs as a battering ram, and smash your way inside through a porthole ☠
* * *
* * *
You drop to one knee and put all your effort into sending your sword upwards at his outstretched hand. You manage to cleave it from his wrist in a single slice! The momentum from the blow carries his hand up into the air, and you both watch (he in shock, you in surprise at how good this awesome sword is) as his detached hand describes an arc directly towards you.
It hits your chest with a bloody splat.
You brush his hand off your jacket and say:
☠ “Hey, I never knew what it was like to cut off a limb before! Guess now I’ve finally got some FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE.” ☠
» “By the way, this was my first swordfight at sea, so — thanks for giving me a hand?” «
» “Hey! HANDS off the threads.” «
* * *
* * *
The pirate captain screams in rage, charging you with his sword. You deftly parry and sidestep, ending up behind him.
The two of you circle each other, flurries of swordplay erupting whenever one of you detects an opportunity. Despite his injury, neither of you is able to gain the advantage on the rain-soaked deck of the ship.
Suddenly, lightning strikes the brass rail behind the pirate captain, and he’s briefly stunned by the tremendous thunder that follows. You’re stunned as well but, being a few feet away, you recover more quickly.
There’s your opening, Hamlet!
☠
Attack his dominant, sword-bearing arm! ☠
» Attack his eyes! «
» Attack his legs! «
* * *
* * *
You swing your sword sideways as hard as you can, making contact with his left elbow at full speed. Your sword slices through the flesh easily. He screams and tries to attack you with his other arm, but a second later you’ve cut that one off at the elbow too.
You both look down at his now-useless arms, lying on the deck, one hand still clutching his sword. The perfect thing to deadpan suddenly comes to mind, the words crystallizing in your head like they were written for you by the very gods themselves:
☠ “All hands on deck.” ☠
» “Hey, who here thinks I’m winning this fight? Can I maybe get a SHOW OF HANDS?” «
» “Huh. Looks like you’re...not as well armed as you thought?” «
* * *
* * *
The pirate screams at you, livid. He’s lost some very important body parts, but he’s not going to stop. He’s out of control with rage and will fight you right to the end. You can’t let your guard down. He’ll take you apart with his teeth if you let him.
It’s time to finish this, Hamlet.
☠ Deliver the killing blow! ☠
* * *
* * *
Rather than sailing into shore and attacking the king head on, you decide not to tip your hand. This is the plan you come up with:
You’ll approach Denmark at night, flying Danish flags. Calypso’s Gale will stay out from shore, looking like any other trader, but will remain ready to move on your signal. You’ll leave Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in command, dive overboard into the ocean, and swim to shore.
Once there, you’ll compose and send three letters to Horatio by messenger. The first will be addressed to Claudius and read, “Hey, I’m back from England, all by myself. SURPRISED? You will be, tomorrow, when I see you. P.S. I am naked.” Hopefully you’ll be able to scare / confuse him into some rash, overt action against you, which you’ll be able to counter with Calypso’s help.
The second goes to your mother, and reads, “Hey Mom, I’m still mad at you for marrying Claudius, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill him. Sooooo...try to act surprised?”
The third and final letter is for your friend Horatio and says, “Hey Horatio, CRAZY STORY: pirates attacked! And they took me hostage, but just me, and then they brought me back to Denmark because I said I’d do them a favour. Speaking of which, can you make sure these other two letters reach Mom and Uncle-Dad? Then come see me real quick, okay? I’ll be down by the docks.”
That should be enough to both ensure your letters are delivered, and to see if Claudius has gotten to Horatio while you were away. If he hasn’t, Horatio can help you take down Claudius. If he has — well, you’ll deal with Horatio the same way you dealt with the pirates: with your swords and your wits, both deadly sharp and both insanely pointed.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern agree to your plan. You arrive near Denmark’s shore in the middle of the night, the waves silver with reflected moonlight.
“Good luck, my friends,” you tell Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
“And to you,” they reply.
You’ve both grown so much this trip. It’s been so great. You’ve never felt closer to these awesome dudes.
You dive into the sea and swim for shore.
☠ Reach shore and send letters ☠
* * *
* * *
You send your letters. You have time before the messenger will deliver them, so you wander down to the docks.
You get the attention of a passer-by, who looks like she works here. “Excuse me, what’s that ship over there?” you say, pointing as casually as you can at your insanely majestic ship.
“Her? That’s uh...Calypso’s Gale, looks like a Danish trader. I imagine she’ll be docking in a few hours,” she says.
“Oh. Neat,” you say.
Everything’s going according to plan. You wave to the ship, just in case Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are watching, and wander around, waiting for Horatio to show up. You eat some fried fish. It is really yummy.
Suddenly, you feel a tap on your shoulder. Looking around, you see your old friend Horatio! “Hamlet, you’re back!” he says, hugging you.
“Did you deliver my letters?” you ask.
“Yep! So what’s your story — pirates attacked and only took you hostage? And then they brought you back here for no reason? Hah hah, that’s so crazy! That’s REALLY what happened?”
Do you trust Horatio? If you do, you’ll let him in on the full story. If you don’t, you’ll let him think that only you made it back from the trip.
» Trust Horatio, no way he’d side with my murderous stepdad over me! We saw a ghost together. You just don’t turn away from that. «
☠ Trust no one! ☠
* * *
* * *
“Naw man, here’s the real story!” you say, and you briefly recount your pirate adventures. Horatio appreciates how you took the time to say something appropriate to go with every death and dismemberment.
“Sweet,” he says.
“Thanks!” you say.
“So what’s your plan now?” he asks, and you lay it out for him: you’re gonna go see Claudius tomorrow, having given him fair warning of your visit. You’re hoping he’ll freak out that you’re not dead, and when you visit him you’ll be able to goad him into doing something overtly criminal against you. When he does that, you’ll have enough proof of his guilt (if not of your father’s death, then at least of his attempt to murder you) that you can move against him. Calypso’s Gale will support your claim to the throne — with cannons.
“You’re talking about an insurrection,” he whispers, his eyes wide.
“I’m talking justice,” you say. “Lock and load.”
“Okay,” Horatio says.
“Incidentally we don’t use guns that require that motion,” Horatio says.
» Wait till tomorrow, then confront Claudius together! «
* * *
* * *
The next morning, you and Horatio walk into the castle and towards the royal court. You meet nobody along the way, which is a little weird.
“Maybe they’re all in the throne room?” Horatio says.
“One way to find out,” you say and kick in the throne room door. It goes perfectly, the doors flying open with a huge bang. It’s so satisfying, Hamlet!
» Enter throne room «
* * *
* * *
The entire royal court turns to face you.
“Miss me?” you say. Laertes runs out from the crowd with his sword. “You killed my father!” he screams at you. To your right is Osric, now operating in his capacity of Royal Court Helper and Sometimes Sword Carrier, and he’s currently carrying a selection of three swords. You kick Osric in the chest, catching two of the swords that he drops as he stumbles backwards, one in each of your hands. You toss one blade to Horatio. Laertes screams as he runs towards you.
“He’s a distraction!” Horatio shouts to you. “Leave him to me!”
“I’ve no quarrel with you!” screams Laertes to Horatio.
“I’m afraid you do,” says Horatio, “as you seem to be intent on killing my best friend. That sort of thing has always been —” he cuts himself off as their blades clash for the first time, sparks flying “— a pet peeve of mine,” he continues.
“You talk a lot,” says Laertes.
“Dude, it was like two sentences,” says Horatio, as the sound of steel hitting steel fills the air.
Turning away from the fight, you kick the last sword towards the throne. “This is for you, Claudius,” you say.
“Hah!” says Claudius nervously. “How ridiculous! Why...um, why would I ever fight you?”
You shout:
» “You killed my father!” «
» “You tried to have me murdered in England!” «
» “You have
a stupid face and I get irritated whenever I look at it!” «
* * *
* * *
The crowd gasps. “Is this true?” someone shouts.
“It is,” you say, “and who do you trust? Me, a handsome, successful young prince, or Claudius, a murderer and an attempted murderer twice over and one who, as I’m sure you noticed, has a stupid face?”
“Man, he DOES have a stupid face!” Horatio says, between Laertes’ attacks.
The crowd seems to be on your side. You raise your sword.
“Defend yourself, horny murderer!!” you shout.