by Ryan North
Claudius glares at you, then quickly stoops and picks up the sword. Holding it at the ready, he beckons you towards him.
» Swordfight Claudius! FINALLY! «
* * *
* * *
You and Claudius spar, while beside you, Horatio and Laertes fight each other in parallel. It’s pretty great.
“Hey, are you thirsty, Hamlet?” asks Claudius. “Because I’ve got a drink made up special for you!”
Your sword clashes against his as you reply. “Why? Did you poison it?”
Claudius seems surprised. “What? How did you know?”
“I guess by not being stupid!” you yell, thrusting your sword at him. “Why else would you offer me a drink in the middle of a battle to the death?”
Claudius attacks you with renewed passion, and Horatio seems to be struggling against Laertes too. Aw man! Don’t mess this up for me, dude; I was excited to see where this is going!
» Switch opponents with Horatio «
» Keep the same opponents, but say something mean to Claudius! «
* * *
* * *
“Hey Horatio!” you yell. “Want to switch dance partners?”
“Sure,” says Horatio. “Laertes is learning my sweet moves, but Claudius doesn’t know any of them yet.”
Laertes opens his mouth, probably to tell Claudius all about Horatio’s sweet moves, but you leap up, flip over his head, and land on your feet behind him. You spin around and bring the flat of your sword under his chin. Applying some pressure, you push his mouth shut.
“Shh,” you whisper. “Nobody cares about what you have to say, you big dummy.”
Laertes spins around, and your swords clash. Meanwhile, Horatio is fighting Claudius, pushing him backwards. You’re pushing your opponents to opposite ends of the royal court! Laertes has his back up against the wall, and you’re about to go in for the killing blow when, in what I think is fair to call a lucky strike, he knocks your sword from your hand and sends it skittering behind you. You fall, landing on your butt.
At the same time, Claudius strikes Horatio’s sword in a similarly lucky blow, sending it spinning backwards as well. You feel something bump against your hand and look down to see Horatio’s sword.
This is perfect.
You and Horatio pick up each other’s swords at the same moment, deflect an otherwise-fatal attack from your opponents at the same moment, and then stab Claudius and Laertes through their hearts, yes indeed, at the exact same moment. It’s the best example of beautiful, synchronized fighting ever in the history of the whole dang planet, and it happened entirely by accident. Nicely done, gentlemen! And congrats Hamlet on finally putting that Kill Claudius quest to bed.
So! With Claudius and Laertes dead, there are no more bad guys in this story! (Gertrude isn’t REALLY a bad guy; she’s just an easily-manipulated person who makes bad decisions when it comes to boyfriends, remember? We talked about this, I’m pretty sure.)
The court wants to pronounce you king, but you’ve had enough of Denmark for a while. You tell everyone Horatio should be king instead. After Horatio sits on his throne for the first time and everyone applauds, you leave. Where to? You haven’t decided yet.
But you know one thing: no matter what you choose, it’s going to be an adventure.
THE END
Oh wait, P.S. On the way out the door, you bump into Fortinbras, who is here trying to take over Denmark! He’s a jerk so you kill him. Nobody cares that you stabbed him; he’s a jerk!!
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
You hold up your hand and open your mouth, but before you can say anything, Claudius addresses you directly, calling you his son!
On the one hand, that’s entirely appropriate, especially since he just married your mom like two weeks ago. But on the other hand, he HAS brought “creepy uncle” to new heights. Points for that, maybe?
☠ Insult him under your breath by saying you’re more than kin (i.e., you’re related more than once now as both father / son and uncle / nephew), but less than kind (i.e., this relationship you’re in is unnatural). In real life people think up zingers like this on the spot all the time, so this totally makes sense. ☠
» Say “You’re not my real dad!” and storm out of the room «
* * *
* * *
While you’re busy doing that, your friend Horatio bumps into you and tells you:
a) he’s in town for your dad’s funeral / mom’s wedding, and they served leftover appetizers from one at the other,
b) ghosts are real,
c) he’s seen one and so have a bunch of other guys,
d) it keeps showing up at the same time, and
e) he’s pretty sure it’s the ghost of your dad.
Finally! Some adventure! Some CLOSURE. You agree that you’ll come with him tonight to see the ghost when it shows up again. It’s such an obvious decision that it kinda feels like you don’t even have a choice in the matter!
☠ Agree to go with Horatio tonight to see the ghost when it shows up again ☠
* * *
* * *
“I’ll be there, 11:30 sharp!” you say, and Horatio leaves, satisfied.
Well, now you have eight hours to blow before it’s time to meet ghosts. What do you want to do, Hamlet?
☠ Be Ophelia for a while ☠
» Play solitaire «
* * *
* * *
You, Hamlet, prince of all of Denmark, are now sitting in your bedroom and playing solitaire for hours and hours and hours and hours, which is a pretty colossally useless waste of your time, especially since you keep cheating. A five goes on top of a three, Hamlet? REALLY? Anyway at this point we’re 15 games in, and WOW if you’re not careful people might start saying that your tragic flaw is, I don’t know, inaction?
Eventually the sun does go down, and it’s almost 11:30, which hopefully you remember as the appointed hour Horatio told you about wherein a ghost keeps showing up to bother him! Time to go meet that ghost, huh?
☠ Meet up with Horatio and bust some (myths about actual) ghosts (being real) ☠
* * *
* * *
You and Horatio go to where he saw the ghost the first time.
“Now we play the waiting game,” says Horatio. He’s interrupted by the sound of trumpets. You look at him and raise an eyebrow.
“They make that noise to warn everyone that King Claudius is getting wasted,” he says. “Those trumpets go off every night around this time.”
He sighs.
“Denmark,” he says.
At that exact moment, something insanely crazy happens! What the frig? I’ll tell you what the frig: A GHOST IS HERE!
☠ Look ghost ☠
* * *
* * *
Don’t freak out, but right now you’re staring cold in the face of a g-g-g-spectre. You can’t even imagine how crazy this whole situation is. If you’re getting too scared, read this next clause over and over until you’re not insane with fear anymore: EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Alright. Okay. We can do this. With your last shred of sanity, you quickly glance at the ghost, and then you worry that if you stare at the ghost too hard, your brain will realize it’s looking at something SO INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE that you’ll just black out.
Anyway: this ghost. You can see through it, but only a little? It’s weird. And I’ll tell you what the frig else: this ghost does look like your dad. And he’s getting closer.
» Stare at the ghost intently and black out as your mind shuts down «
☠ Don’t stare at the ghost too intently and try to figure out what it wants ☠
» Run away «
* * *
* * *
“Are you my dad? I mean, my Ghost Dad?” you ask the ghost, but it says nothing. Instead, the ghost beckons to you. He clearly wants you to follow him and leave Horatio behind. I dunno, is this safe? Can ghosts kill people?
“Can ghosts kill people?”
you ask Horatio.
“I DON’T KNOW MAN, BUT I REALLY DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALONE WITH THAT THING,” he says, clearly leaving no ball untripped in his own freakout.
“HAMLET, MAN, SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK, I GOTTA SAY,” he yells, his quivering finger pointing at the ghost. Well, duh.
“I’m gonna do it,” you say, and you...
☠ follow the ghost into darkness ☠
» go on to say “By that I mean, I’m going to take this last chance to run for it!!” «
* * *
* * *
You follow the ghost into the mist. After walking for what seems like forever, you get tired of walking.
“I’m tired of walking,” you say. You sit down. “Pretty sure I’m done walking. Yeah. Yeah, I’m out.”
The ghost stops and speaks to you for the first time, its voice issuing forth from lungs that no longer breathe air:
“Hamlet. It is I, your father. Look, I can’t stay around here forever so you need to listen to what I tell you. I didn’t die of old age. I did some digging around and it turns out I was murdered...by Claudius!”
You gasp, shocked and enraged. Killed by his own brother!
“He did it while I slept! I was walking in a garden, and you know how gardens are really boring, right?”
You nod. “They’re boring even for people who like them.”
“Exactly!” says Ghost Dad. “Well, it was so boring I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping he poured poison in my ear.”
“I didn’t know poisons worked that way,” you say.
“That’s what I said!” shouts your dad, throwing his hands above his head in frustration. He starts to pace back and forth.
“Anyway, I want you to take revenge on him for me. I dunno. Cuss him out or something. Pull out his chair when he’s about to sit down. Offer him a high five but then when he goes to high five you, pull your hand away and say, ‘Too slow.’ Or should he offer you a high five, you must leave him hanging.”
“I could murder him,” you offer. “After all, he is sleeping with Mom.”
Your dad stops pacing and stares at you.
“He’s WHAT?!”
☠ Tell him they got married two weeks after the funeral ☠
» Tell him hah hah, you were just kidding «
* * *
* * *
You say they got married basically right after the funeral, and that makes Claudius king now. You explain how maybe it’s not TECHNICALLY incest, but the timing alone sure feels squicky.
“Didn’t he ever read the Table of Kindred and Affinity, Wherein Whosoever Are Related Are Forbidden in Scripture and Our Laws to Marry Together??” asks your dad.
“Ah,” you say, “you refer to the document Queen Elizabeth ordered produced, which says a marriage such as this one we’re discussing is not just squicky, but a real-life hard-core sin against God, a book which later made its way into the Book of Common Prayer, itself so influential that we take many phrases such as ‘Till death us do part’ and ‘Peace in our time’ from it?”
“The very same,” nods your father. “Although I can imagine that in the future, sentiments might change as to whether or not such a marriage between genetically unrelated, loving, and consenting adults is among THE VERY WORST THINGS IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A HUMAN BEING TO DO, that’s not necessary for us to discuss right now.”
You agree.
“Anyway,” says your dad. “Kill Claudius for me, cool?”
» Promise a ghost you’ll commit murder «
☠ Promise a ghost you’ll commit murder in the classiest verse you can come up with ☠
* * *
* * *
You clear your throat, hold one hand open in the air in front of you, and promise a ghost that you will kill an alive human. This is what you say:
Yea, from the table of my memory
I’ll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past
That youth and observation copied there;
And thy commandment all alone shall live
Within the book and volume of my brain,
Unmix’d with baser matter: yes, by heaven!
Your Ghost Dad seems pretty cool with that. You have begun quest Kill Claudius! It’s worth 3500 experience points.
That’s a lot!!
» Leave it there and return to Horatio «
☠ Throw in a li’l sexism for good measure ☠
* * *
* * *
You walk back to where Horatio is waiting for you.
“Listen, Horatio, never speak of this whole ‘we totally saw a ghost’ thing, okay? We’ve got to keep it a secret.”
“That’s cool,” says Horatio.
“No, I’m serious, man!” you say, grabbing his shoulders. “Some REALLY SERIOUS STUFF is going to go down, and I need you to keep this a secret. Swear that you’ll never talk about this.”
“I swear,” says Horatio.
“SWEAR IT,” booms your dad’s voice out of nowhere.
“He already did!” you shout. Horatio looks at you, questioning. “Hamlet. Bro. What’s this all about?” he says.
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio —” you begin.
“— than are dreamt of in my philosophy,” Horatio finishes, annoyed. “Fine. Right. Whatever.”
Okay! Horatio will keep your secret, and you’ve got a quest from a ghost to fulfill! And at the end, he’ll probably give you some cool loot for completing it! Maybe? I mean, it’s possible.
Anyway, it’s past midnight, and Claudius is probably falling-down drunk. What now?
» Say goodbye to Horatio and go kill Claudius «
☠ Go home for nappy times ☠
* * *
* * *
You go home and nap. The next morning it rains, so you don’t leave your room. Then the next morning after that the ground is all muddy, and you think maybe you’d leave footsteps that could be traced back to you, and anyway long story short several days have gone by and you haven’t done a thing.
☠ To continue doing nothing for another several days, return to the top of this page and read it again ☠
» Well, enough’s enough! Time to go murder Claudius! «
☠ Go see Ophelia! She’s smart; maybe she has some ideas on how to commit some good murders ☠
* * *
* * *
You tell Polonius that you don’t actually know who he is, but maybe he’s a pimp? He doesn’t get that you are (or rather, that I am) rather cleverly trying to suggest that you suspect he’s been trying to mess with Ophelia in order to get to you. It goes entirely over his head. Anyway, he seems satisfied with your answer, which is great!
Polonius puts to you his riddle the second.
“What have you been reading lately?” he says.
☠ Answer with the exact words I want you to say ☠
* * *
* * *
That’s RIGHT. Fall in line, baby.
You haven’t touched a book since you came home from university on funeral / wedding break, so you answer by making up a book you’ve been reading called Old Men Are Gross and Dumb. It’s about how old men are gross and dumb. You conclude by saying that Polonius would be the same age as you...if people aged backwards!! Oh snap.
Polonius agrees that this is probably the case.
Finally he challenges you with the final of his three riddles.
“Would you like to go for a walk...outside?”
☠ You sure would!! ☠
* * *
* * *
You say you’d like to go walk outside...STRAIGHT INTO YOUR GRAVE! It’s that last bit of crazy that really sells it.
Somehow Polonius thinks you’re actually saying something really significant about how we’re all really dying from the moment we’re born? He observes that in madness you’re actually speaking the truth. Hey! Your answers seem to have helped him reach the conclusion we
wanted in regards to your sanity!
Polonius says he’d better be going, and you say nothing would make you happier except if you somehow literally died right now, and then you motorboat your lips and flick your index finger over them, making a “brururururur” sound.