To Be or Not To Be
Page 10
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You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern scramble in parallel, snagging the lanterns as they roll across the deck, getting a few just mere seconds before they’d make contact with the many gunpowder trails criss-crossing the floor. Somehow you pull it off without colliding into each other or exploding into a chunky mist of blood and bone.
Tossing the lanterns out a porthole, it looks like you’ve taken care of the immediate crisis, but you are still on a mortally wounded boat, and she’s taking on water. In fact, you can see water seeping in the far side of the darkened room now.
“NOW can we abandon ship?” you say.
“Most def,” says Guildenstern. Running above-decks, you look up, but the storm has blackened the sky. Suddenly, lightning strikes the water beside you. The sound of thunder is staggering, but in that brief instant, the world is illuminated.
You see 15 ropes hanging from the bow of Calypso’s Gale, going down to water level. Mid-way up, you see your young crew of almost 20 (both by age and by count), cutlasses at the ready, fighting. Pirates swarm down the lines, battling them for sport. Above them, on deck, they’re being cheered by a row of pirates. And at the very bow of the ship, looking down with a spyglass, stands the captain. He’s got a fancy hat and parrot on his shoulder: the works. And he’s staring right at you through the storm.
As the darkness of the storm is restored moments later, you yell at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern over the ringing in your ears. “Climb up!” you yell. “Attack them! I’m going after her captain!”
Rosencrantz shouts back something, but you can’t hear. You point up at the boat and grab a rope and begin to climb. Glancing back, you see your two bros running to do the same.
One way or another, you’re going to end this.
» Continue climbing, attack pirates! «
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* * *
You jab your sword at his face, and he jumps to the side in an attempt to dodge it. However, in doing so he catches the tip of your sword on the side of his lip, slicing through his cheek and sending a small chunk of flesh flopping down to the deck. An inch-long wound stretches along the side of his face, revealing the teeth underneath. He screams in pain and clutches at his mouth. Blood pours through his fingers and down his chin.
Wow. This is really grody. On the plus side, I think you’re winning the fight! You draw his gaze down to the hunk of cheek on the deck.
“I heard people say you were a good swordfighter...,” you sigh,
» “Such a shame to see you suddenly LOSE FACE.” «
» “Well, I suppose you always did have a BIG MOUTH.” «
» “How embarrassing is losing this fight for you? Boy, is your face red!” «
* * *
* * *
The pirate captain screams in rage, charging you with his sword. You deftly parry and sidestep, ending up behind him.
The two of you circle each other, flurries of swordplay erupting whenever one of you detects an opportunity. Despite his injury, neither of you is able to gain the advantage on the rain-soaked deck of the ship.
Suddenly, lightning strikes the brass rail behind the pirate captain, and he’s briefly stunned by the tremendous thunder that follows. You’re stunned as well but, being a few feet away, you recover more quickly.
There’s your opening, Hamlet!
» Attack his dominant, sword-bearing arm! «
» Attack his eyes! «
» Attack his legs! «
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* * *
You flip your sword around like a javelin and spear it into the pirate captain’s eye. As you pull your sword free, the eyeball comes with it. Eww. You then try to strike his other eye but the captain manages to dodge, and you slice off only a small part of his cornea. But even a small part of your cornea being sliced off is still probably going to hurt pretty bad.
He roars in pain and covers his eyes, blinded. He falls to one knee, showing his back to you.
You tap him with your blade and say the following:
» “Did you see that? I cut off part of your cornea! You didn’t? Really? Well, I guess you’d better keep your EYES PEELED.” «
» “Did you see that? I stabbed out one of your eyes! You didn’t? Really? Well, I guess you’d better KEEP AN EYE OUT.” «
» “Wow. Looks like you saw...an EYEFUL.” «
* * *
* * *
The pirate screams at you, livid. He’s lost some very important body parts, but he’s not going to stop. He’s out of control with rage and will fight you right to the end. You can’t let your guard down. He’ll take you apart with his teeth if you let him.
It’s time to finish this, Hamlet.
» Deliver the killing blow! «
* * *
* * *
The captain tries to spit in your face. You stab him right in the chest, piercing a lung. He gasps and swears at you.
“Save your breath,” you say. You take a step back and slice off the captain’s chin, sending it flying into the rigging.
“Come on, keep your chin up!” you yell, slicing again at his face. You cut off the tip of his nose and it flies overboard.
“You know what they say,” you say grimly, taking your sword in both hands. “Follow your nose.”
With one huge strike, you behead the pirate captain. His head rolls at your feet, and you kick it overboard into the ocean.
Let me just say: holy crap. Never in your life have you fought so well. This was awesome, literally awesome. If you lived to be a thousand years old, you’d never have a fight go so amazingly well as it did today.
You’re catching your breath when you hear familiar voices yell “Hamlet!!”
Turning around, you see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern rushing towards you. They survived! In fact, they did more than survive the battle: like you, they thrived in it! All around them lie the bodies of pirates, and your crew dispatches the last few survivors. This is incredible. Calypso’s Gale is yours. And the storm surrounding her is clearing as quickly as it appeared in the first place! Sun pierces through the clouds.
You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hug each other, and your crew cheers. Pulling back, Guildenstern notices the blood on your jacket and then the headless torso on the floor.
“What happened to the captain?” asks Guildenstern.
“Dunno,” you say. “Last I saw, he was...HEADED for sea.”
“Oh,” says Rosencrantz. “Does that mean you cut off his head and then threw it overboard?”
“Let’s just say that when he fought me...he got in a little over his HEAD.”
“Oh, you cut off his head and then threw it overboard,” says Rosencrantz.
☠ Take command of this larger, much nicer vessel ☠
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You do that, and make Rosencrantz and Guildenstern your first officers. Congratulations, Captain Hamlet! Calypso’s Gale is yours to command!
Your crew demands a speech, cheering and hollering at you. Stepping up onto the highest part of Calypso’s bridge, you decide to give them what they want. You hold your hands out in front of you and ask for silence.
They quiet, and in the moment before you speak the only noise you hear is the sound of waves gently splashing on the hull beneath you, a peaceful, beautiful sound. It’s a perfect moment.
You look at your crew, and they at you.
“People often speak of the machinery of fate,” you say, “as though the course of our lives is governed by some untouchable, unknowable clockwork. Well, if fate be a machine...today she was a machine that transformed us all into an UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF VENGEANCE!”
Your crew cheers wildly!
“Gods, even!!”
Your crew cheers even louder!
“Yes,” you say, “today we truly were gods from the machine.”
Your crew resumes their duties.
This was a really amazing part of your adventure, Hamlet. You’re sure that, should you ever one
day write a book about this story or perhaps a stage production, you’d DEFINITELY include this scene. Why, you’d have to be literally crazy to write a story where you journey to England, get attacked by pirates — actual pirates! — but then just sum up that whole adventure in a single sentence. Hah! That’d be the worst. Who puts a pirate-attack scene in their story and doesn’t show it to the audience? Hopefully nobody, that’s who! Even from a purely structural viewpoint, you’ve got to give the audience something awesome to make up for all the introspection you’ve been doing; that just seems pretty obvious is all.
Anyway, enough crazy hypotheticals! To where will you make sail?
» Sail to England; this party is JUST GETTING STARTED «
☠ Sail back to Denmark to revenge yourself on Claudius ☠
» Become pirates! The sails are already flying; it’ll be EASY. «
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While sailing to Denmark, you and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern come up with a plan.
Clearly King Claudius wants you dead, but he isn’t willing to move overtly, hence the letter he planted on your friends. Heck, even the pirate attack could’ve been orchestrated by him. It’s impossible to know who he’s gotten to while you’ve been gone. You can’t trust anyone.
You decide to...
» Attack Claudius head-on from Calypso’s Gale «
☠ Attack Claudius more discreetly, lest a frontal attack from a pirate ship disturb the people of Denmark and weaken your right to rule ☠
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Claudius probably thinks you’re dead, so he’s not going to expect a head-on attack. This plan might actually be perfect!
You reduce your speed so that when you arrive back in Denmark, it’s high noon. Your royal castle sits on a hill near the shore, and you sail as close as you can to it, gun ports open.
“Claudius!” you yell. At the top of the hill, you see various servants and members of the royal court looking down towards your ship, murmuring to themselves when they realize none other than Prince Hamlet is the one in charge of this magnificent vessel.
“GET ME CLAUDIUS!” you order, and some of the onlookers disappear inside the castle. While you wait, you whisper to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to adjust the cannons upwards.
Shortly afterwards, Claudius and Gertrude appear, staring down at your ship.
“Hamlet?!” your mom shouts, shocked.
“Hey Mom,” you say. “I’m back from England, and I brought a boat!”
» “Could you step to the left about 15 paces?” «
» “Could you ask Claudius why he murdered Dad real quick?” «
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* * *
She steps away from Claudius. “What’s going on, Hamlet?”
You motion behind you for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to give the order to fire.
“You see, Mom,” you say, as the fuse on the cannons burns down, “there’s something I can only say to you if you’re standing over there!”
“Okay, what do you want to say?” she shouts.
“Oh, shucks, I just wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your divorce!!” you shout, and at that moment the cannon fires. It’s perfect timing. The ball tears through the air, hits Claudius in the stomach, and, rather than going through him, actually carries him through the air.
“My only regret is that I killed my brother and married his widowwwwwwwwww,” says Claudius, as he’s carried away over the castle. A few seconds later, you hear a wet thud.
The people of Denmark accept you as their new king, because it actually took a whole lot of skill to hit someone with a cannonball from that distance, especially given the state of cannonball technology. You didn’t fire the cannon, but you did HIRE the person that fired the cannon (well, kinda), and that’s good enough for them!
Denmark enters a period of wealth and prosperity, thanks to your leadership — and your dad’s. That’s right: your ghost dad makes his appearances a permanent thing, and when you assume the throne (he’s had enough fun being king already, he says), you appoint him as your chief advisor. He makes it so everyone can see him too. It’s just more convenient that way.
A few months later, he and Gertrude remarry. Everyone is shocked, but you check, and it turns out there’s nothing in the rulebook that specifically says a woman can’t marry a ghost! NICE! There’s also nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play football but that hasn’t come up yet nor is it really likely to if we’re being honest.
When your mother dies of old age years later, she becomes a ghost and sticks around too. Eventually, you succumb to your own mortality and you also become a ghost.
It turns out that having benign enlightened leadership that also can’t die is really useful for a country? I mean, after a while you become antiquated relics of a previous age with beliefs and mores rooted in the past that are out of touch with our modern reality, but for many generations it’s really good! You’re able to accumulate several lifetimes worth of knowledge, and direct it all towards the business of running a nation!
Eventually, some of your people do revolt, hatching a plan to employ a charged particle beam emitted from a portable particle accelerator to dispose of you, but that’s a story for another time. Also, it’s a story for another book. Look, it’s basically an entirely unrelated story and I need to draw the line somewhere.
THE END
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» Restart? «
* * *
The gravedigger sings a song: it’s this really nice musical interlude right in the middle of your adventure! This is great because while we’ve had all sorts of murders and junk, nobody has, as yet, busted out any ditties. His song is about being young and in love, and this is what he sings:
In youth when I did love, did love,
Methought it was very sweet
To contract-o-the time for-a-my behove,
O, methought there-a-was nothing-a-meet.
You join in on the singing:
Just now when I did hear, did hear
Your singing, methought it rad
But it’s-a offensive, that fake-o
Italian accent you-a had!
The gravedigger sings his response:
I wasn’t being racist, I was grunting while digging this grave!
And if I can employ some contemporary slang, methinks I call you...knave.
Oh man, sick burns, Hamlet! You just totally lost a lyrical battle.
Suddenly, the gravedigger digs up a human skull!
» Look skull «
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* * *
You pick up the skull and hold it out in front of you. You begin to feel...INSPIRED.
“Alas, poor Yorick!” you say. “I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chapfallen? Now get you to my lady’s chamber and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that.”
“What my friend means to say,” says Horatio, “is that he remembers Yorick and the fun times they shared, but now to look at his gross remains makes him want to drop a barf.”
“Ah,” says the gravedigger.
“He then asks a dead lifeless skull where its jokes and songs are, and then tells the skull to go to his girlfriend’s room and tell her that no matter how much makeup she puts on, she’ll end up like him one day,” Horatio says.
“Well, not exactly like him,” says the gravedigger, “as male and female skulls have several structural differences.”
You interrupt them both. “Horatio, do you think Alexander the Great looked like this after he was buried?”
“Yeah, probs,” says Horatio.
&nbs
p; “This skull is smelly,” you say.
“Yeah, probs,” says Horatio.
“Do you think it’s weird that we can be alive and be kings of the world, but then we die and return to the earth and then someone might use that earth to make mud and use that mud to fix a hole in a barrel?”
“Who uses mud to fix a ho—” Horatio begins, but you interrupt him.
“You can also use mud to patch a wall,” you say.
Suddenly, you’re startled by noises! It sounds like screaming!
☠ Investigate noises ☠
» Suddenly sit straight up in bed, fully awake «
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