To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

All in the morning betime,

  And I a maid at your window,

  To be your Valentine.

  Then up he rose and donn’d his clothes

  And dupp’d the chamber door,

  Let in the maid, that out a maid

  Never departed more.

  (That part is about a woman having sex for the first time!)

  You continue:

  By Gis and by Saint Charity,

  Alack, and fie for shame!

  Young men will do’t if they come to’t

  By Cock, they are to blame.

  Quoth she, ‘Before you tumbled me,

  You promis’d me to wed.’

  He answers:

  ‘So would I ‘a’ done, by yonder sun,

  An thou hadst not come to my bed.’

  (This part is funny because it has the word “cock” in it!)

  With that, you make your exit and go back home.

  » Wait a tick, I just remembered I want to act even crazier!! «

  » Wait a tick, I just remembered that I want to continue going home without incident! «

  * * *

  * * *

  You go home, and Hamlet coincidentally shows up a bit later.

  “Okay,” he says, “everything is going perfectly. I am going to go off to England for a while, actually, but it’ll be perfect, because while I’m gone you can drown and then I’ll have the perfect setup!”

  “You mean, I can FAKE drown,” you say.

  “Yes, perfect. Okay, see you when I see you!” he says, leaving.

  You know, I don’t think Hamlet is that big into this plan. You’ve seen less and less of him since this began, and so far you’ve had to do all the work! He hasn’t even done anything, but YOU’VE got everyone thinking you’re insane, and also your father got murdered.

  You still want to go ahead with the “faking the drowning” thing?

  » Yes, fake my drowning «

  » You know what? This sucks and I have made some bad, boring choices. Can I be Hamlet? I promise I’ll make some better choices. «

  * * *

  * * *

  You promise?

  » I promise. «

  * * *

  * * *

  Well, I mean, that’s fair. You haven’t exactly been getting the long end of the stick here.

  Okay! While we were talking, Hamlet went off to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They partied, had fun, discovered a note from Claudius ordering them killed, replaced it with a forgery they wrote themselves: the usual hijinks one gets up to on a boat! Only along the way the ship was captured — BY PIRATES. At this moment, Hamlet’s boarding the pirate ship, named Calypso’s Gale. He’s literally hanging off the side of the boat from a rope, about to smash through a porthole and take on the captain in one-to-one combat.

  Let’s see if you can do better than he could.

  You are now Hamlet!

  » Push out from the ship, use your legs as a battering ram, and smash your way inside through a porthole «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Correct!” shouts Horatio. “Fortinbras, you and Ophelia are now tied for first. Whoever answers my next question correctly will be the ruler of all of Denmark.”

  Horatio clears his throat.

  “Final question: I am imagining a speculative future country that I will call the United States of America. This country is made out of many smaller states, each with their own name. Which speculative future state am I thinking of when I say that its land area is slightly less than twice the size of Denmark?”

  Uh oh.

  You slap in and say:

  » “Texas.” «

  » “Massachusetts.” «

  » “Alaska.” «

  * * *

  * * *

  “That, Ophelia, is...”

  Horatio pauses, dramatically.

  You and Fortinbras look at each other.

  “CORRECT!” shouts Horatio, leaping up and hugging you. “You won! You are now the queen of Denmark! It’s so awesome!”

  » Be the new queen of Denmark «

  * * *

  * * *

  “You have bested me in an honourable game of trivia and come out the better for it,” you say, offering your hand. “Congratulations.”

  Fortinbras looks at you for a moment before accepting your hand. “Thanks. You were really fast at slapping a table.”

  “Yep,” you reply. “Well, good luck with Denmark! Everyone I know is dead so I’m...gonna go move somewhere else now.”

  “Okay, cool,” says Fortinbras, and you’re out. You go home to collect your things. Staring at your packed bags, you make a split-second decision to move to Italy, because you heard it’s pretty. Turns out it is! While in Italy, you enroll in university (they have a DUDES-ONLY policy, but you have a GET AROUND SEXISM BY DRESSING SUCH THAT YOU PASS AS A DUDE policy, so it works out well) and, after that, you start a successful business making awesome inventions while also painting in your spare time. Long story short, you know that Renaissance that’s everyone’s been talking about?

  ALL YOU.

  THE END

  P.S. Your final score is really high, because I didn’t mention it but while you were in Italy you invented flying machines! You use them to fly back to Denmark and shoot Fortinbras! Oh wow, you also invented guns!!

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  “Oh, I’ll play your game,” you say.

  “Excellent,” she says, motioning to her throne. “Please, have a seat.”

  As you sit down and settle in, she quickly sets up a chess board in front of you, pulling up another throne for the opposite side. She arranges the pieces with the air of someone who actually knows what she’s doing when it comes to playing chess, which isn’t the greatest sign for you. She’s white, you’re black. “Since you’re the one who barged in here, it’s my turn to make the next move,” she says, advancing her king’s pawn up two squares.

  “Ah yes, the Queen’s Gambit,” you say.

  “That’s not what that is,” she says.

  You’re — kinda in over your head here, aren’t you, Ophelia?

  » Copy her move on your side — how can she beat an opponent who copies all her moves?? «

  » Move your king’s bishop’s pawn ahead one square. It’s the one on your left. «

  * * *

  * * *

  You move your pawn up one square.

  Gertrude quickly jots down something on a piece of paper you hadn’t noticed before. “e4 f6,” it reads. Beside it she’s noted the words “oh man, seriously??”

  Wow! Maybe she’s impressed? I mean, that is a really optimistic way to look at things!

  Gertrude moves her queen’s pawn out two spaces, so it’s standing beside her other one. She’s building a wall of pawns! But she’s overlooked the fact that when pawns are side by side, they can’t defend each other as well as if they’re in a zigzag pattern. What’s she doing? Doesn’t she REALIZE?

  “d4,” she writes.

  » Build a wall too, but make mine zigzag! (g5) «

  » Build a wall too, but make it straight like hers (g6) «

  * * *

  * * *

  You bring out your horse’s pawn a single square, building a solid wall.

  Gertrude writes down your move, which is apparently “g6.” After that she writes the note “likes straight lines?”

  She notices you reading her notes. “Do you like straight lines?” she asks.

  “Maybe I do and maybe I don’t,” you answer in a way you hope could one day be described by an impartial third party as “coyly.”

  Gertrude sighs and brings out her bishop’s pawn to form a straight line on her side too. “Here’s a straight line for you then,” she says. “Because straight lines are so unstoppable. You have totally cracked the chess code.” On her paper she writes “f4.”

  I think she’s making fun of you! And now that I think about it, stra
ight lines aren’t super great. DIAGONAL lines are where it’s at, because if your opponent takes one of your pawns, that piece is guaranteed to be taken by another pawn! If you move your own guy up, you can make a diagonal line in one move.

  » More straight lines! (e6) «

  » Surprise her with a diagonal line (g5) «

  * * *

  * * *

  You bring up your horsey’s pawn another space, forming the first steps of a zigzag wall. Gertrude raises her eyebrows.

  “Congratulations,” she says. “You have managed to invent a new variation of an existing chess move!”

  “Oh wow, really?” you say, super excited.

  “Yep!” she replies. “It’s called the Fool’s Mate. You figured out a way to make it even more foolish, because you took just slightly longer to get mated than necessary.”

  She writes down “Qd1-h5#,” then moves her queen diagonally as far as it’ll go, putting it beside your pawn, and OH SNAP you just got SCHOOLED at how to win at chess!

  By that I mean, Gertrude totally beat you down. You lose, Ophelia!

  » Checkmate «

  * * *

  * * *

  You clear your throat and hold out one hand in front of you.

  He used to be smart, but now he’s nuts

  The grace of a gentleman, a soldier’s guts

  He used to be the heir to the throne

  But now he’s living in the CRAZY ZONE

  Lots of women really liked his sexy words

  But it made them sad, and I’m one of ’em. Aw turds

  He was beautiful and noble but now he’s cray-z

  And that’s all on this subject I’ve got to say, G.

  By the time you finish nobody has shown up, so you run through your speech again, this time in a singsong voice. La la la, that’s what you sound like. Toodle doodle doo.

  Turns out, that did it! Claudius AND your father walk in the room! They talk about what you’ve said while generally acting like you’re not even there (DISS) and in the end Claudius decides that Hamlet will be sent to England where his insanity can do no harm.

  They leave.

  They didn’t seem to notice that you’re supposed to be insane, though, which means you’ll have to bring your A-game next time. I guess crazy-tight rhymes don’t count?

  » Meet up with Hamlet to discuss what happened «

  * * *

  * * *

  You kill Hamlet by twisting his head off like a bottlecap, which are things that I predict will be invented in the future and anyway, bottom line, he’s dead now and you are a murderer. With Hamlet gone there’s no real need to revenge yourself on Claudius either, so — you don’t. You kinda just...wander away? And they never solve the crime because fingerprint identification isn’t invented yet either.

  So wow, I guess that’s kinda it for the plot line of this book, huh?

  Well!

  Hamlet and his dad pal around in the afterlife as ghosts and have a super awesome time of it. Claudius has a long and pretty okay reign, and you have an even longer and even more okay life. It actually turns out that it’s pretty easy to live comfortably when you go through life killing people instead of dealing with your feelings, but that’s a terrible lesson to learn here, so pretend I didn’t say that!!

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Yeah man, let’s settle this plot thread once and for all! Who cares who witnesses it??

  You pull out two knives and stab Claudius in the eyes, really quickly before anyone can react, and yes, it’s one knife per eye. OBVIOUSLY. Claudius runs around blindly and in horrible pain and hits a wall at full speed, which drives the knives into his brain, killing him instantly.

  Congratulations! Claudius is now dead! But the bad news is, Gertrude and Horatio kinda (and by “kinda” I mean “literally”) witnessed the whole thing.

  » KILL THE WITNESSES «

  » Try to explain it away «

  * * *

  * * *

  Pulling the knives out of Claudius’s eyeball holes, you throw them, stabbing Horatio through his tongue and the bottom of his mouth and piercing a hole right into his jugular, while at the same time nailing Gertrude through the ears. “Speak no evil,” you say to Horatio. “Hear no evil,” you say to Gertrude. “That’s a good line to say because I got them in the ears and tongue,” you say to nobody in particular. Is it to me? You don’t have to explain it to me, Ophelia, I do totally know what’s going on. Both Gertrude and Horatio are dead within the next five seconds. So that means they’re dead right about...NOW.

  You look around, taking in the king’s body, the queen’s body, as well as the body of your boyfriend’s best friend. H-hooray? You’re busy congratulating yourself on so efficiently eliminating all the witnesses when your brother, Laertes, enters the room, sees what’s happened, and freezes in shock.

  » Kill Laertes «

  » Try to reason with him «

  * * *

  * * *

  You pull the knives out of the bodies of Gertrude and Horatio and cram them into the body of your brother, Laertes. You literally cram them in there. It’s like...you think he’s a doughnut that you’re trying to get the cream inside? I’m reaching for a metaphor here. It’s like you think he’s suffocating to death and you’re convinced that your knives are the only air in the room and you really want him to breathe again.

  Anyway, you seriously killed this dude! And this courtier Osric has just entered the room and is looking around in shock!

  Oh, brother!

  » Kill Osric «

  » Try to explain the now several bodies surrounding you «

  * * *

  * * *

  “This isn’t what it looks like!” you shout frantically, removing your knives from the perforated body of your dead brother. “I know that it looks like I killed four people here!!”

  You turn to face Osric.

  “The total’s actually five,” you say, stabbing one blade into his heart and another into his lung.

  You’re not even surprised anymore when you look up from Osric’s body and see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern standing there, aghast.

  » Kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern «

  » Try to explain the growing heaps of bodies surrounding you «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Hey dudes, can you help me with these knives? Osric kinda walked into them and I think he’s...hurt?” you say.

  “...to death?” you add.

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bend over the body and I think you’ve been consistent enough in your choices that we can both see where this is going. In the interests of saving time, here’s what happens next:

  - you kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, look up, and see Marcellus and Bernardo looking down at you,

  - you kill Marcellus and Bernardo and then see Francisco waltzing into the room,

  - you kill Francisco and look up and who should be staring at you horrified but Reynaldo (he is another dude you know),

  - you kill Reynaldo and are moving his body out of the way to make room for another when you bump into Voltimand and Cornelius, two dudes home from Norway,

  - you kill Voltimand and Cornelius and are stacking their bodies like logs when a gravedigger and a priest wander in the room,

  - it proceeds in this fashion until the room is filled floor to ceiling with dead bodies and the only person you haven’t seen all day is Hamlet. And then guess who walks in the door?

  » Greet Hamlet with “Hey sweetie! How’s your day been going? Mine’s been going just great!!” «

  » Try to explain it away «

  * * *

  * * *

  Hamlet is shocked to see the room filled to capacity with the bodies of literally everyone in town. He doesn’t seem too cool with it when you say, “See? Claudius is dead and there are no witnesses! Now we can be happy forever!!”

  Hamlet backs out of the room, slo
wly. “No, I’m just ACTING crazy!” you shout after him. “Hah hah, I see why you’re confused! But it’s just an act, remember!”