In the Land of Milk and Honey

by Nell E S Douglas

  “Just when you think a man has changed, they go back to their old ways. I was this close to giving him my blessing. I still have my mini dart board with his face on it. I’d be happy to put it back up.”

  “That’s okay,” I mumbled. I knew from Ian she wasn’t anywhere near giving her blessing anyhow.

  “Fight fire with fire. You should put on a hot dress and let Vi and I take you somewhere you normally refuse to go. Give him a taste of the rear view,” she asserted.

  I glanced towards the door. “I do have a date tonight.”

  “That’s the spirit,” I could hear her smile. “What does he do?”

  “He’s a struggling performer, and he used to be my bike messenger.”

  “Hysterical,” she replied sarcastically. “I guess Burger Clown was busy.”

  “I wasn’t making a joke. I went out with him once before to that play, remember?”

  “Oh, well…the important thing is to take the first step. Remember your advice to Vi about schmucks good on paper and dating the barista, instead? If he’s a great guy, cute, treats you well, honestly, that’s all that matters. That’s all I want for you, Bree.”

  “Thank you, Jill,” I glanced at the door again. “I just need to get out. Tristan is spending the night with Daniel tonight. I don’t want to be home, alone.”

  “My little Tristan,” she sighed. “That kid can do no wrong.”

  I smiled. “I’m glad you called. We were talking about you at breakfast this morning.”

  “You were on my mind. I had the most random terrible dream last night about the meathead from that memory file,” she said.

  “You lost me,” I replied.

  “The guy from the memory chip. The envelope I gave you,” she said.

  “Paolo McCartney, you mean? There was a memory chip?”

  “Yes. That was the file,” she said. “I was glad to get it out of my office, to be honest. My business has picked up since then. A little. I think it was putting off something icky.”

  “What was on it? What did it say?”

  “The guy is a nut, probably. He lived in population isolation. He did something horrible to deserve being there.”

  “So it is a nuthouse,” I said. “What was on it, Jill?”

  “Bad stuff, Bree. I don’t want to give you nightmares, too. You were in the dream, though.”

  “What was your dream?”

  “The guy was standing in a room naked, which should have been the worst part. He was standing there in the room with people in doctor outfits, and security outfits. They brought in another guy who looked like just like him, like an identical twin, except he was in a military outfit, not naked. Then everyone stood back and waited. The doctor lady poked the one in the military outfit with something and he started shaking. Then he ran at the naked one. They were fighting like maniacs, and everyone just stood there watching.”

  “Yikes. That’s a terrifying dream.”

  “Good thing Ian spent the night. I woke up completely freaked out. You know I don’t even watch those kung fu movies Ian likes. Reading it was one thing, picturing it was another.”

  “Reading it?”

  “The file said that happened. Well, the file was mainly disciplinary actions against staff members for this stuff with his patient number as the victim. I guess my imagination ran with it. Maybe that’s why they gave him the electroshock.”

  “That’s awful.”

  “At least they got caught for it, right?” We both paused. She sighed. “It’s not like it happened to a saint. He’s a bad guy to end up in a place like that, Bree. Don’t get carried away,” Jill rationalized, but she seemed as disturbed by it as I.

  “You said I was in it?” I asked.

  “You were in a room. A cell. There was a big moon on the wall in red and the naked guy was sitting on his bed staring at it. The doctor lady came in with her stick and began removing her clothes. She made the guy have sex with her. You were standing at the door.” A chill ran through me. The rectangular florescent light in the bodega flickered above, rain still pattering down outside.

  “That is…frightening,” I said finally and glanced back at the light, which gained full use again. “For a girl who claims NYC, you got scammed and spooked.”

  “Happens to the best of us,” she said. Jill paused. “Look at you. I wasn’t even going to tell about that dream thinking you’d get sensitive and bake some cookies for the guy.”

  “I lived in a bubble, didn’t I?”

  She was quiet a moment. I could hear the rain trickle slowing outdoors. “I think you finally get it. Good luck tonight, Bree. And in general. I want you to be as happy as….”

  “Everyone,” I said, rolling over the labels to candy bars uniformly. “As happy as everyone else. I want that, too, Jill.”

  When I got home I shuffled through my pristine new cabinet doors. I could have made them myself but I didn’t see the point. The woodworking community was small and my cabinet-making friends needed work, too. I’d put everything back by hand and didn’t recall seeing the envelope. I went through it all again, unsure why I wanted to see it for myself but inwardly motivated. After the second sweep, I gave up.

  I packed Tristan’s overnight bag. On impulse, I packed enough for two Gruyère sandwiches. When we arrived, I gave him a big hug and a kiss before Jeeves took him inside, closing the grand wooden door. Daniel was going to take him up for a flight. Not today, but soon. They were going to the tarmac at 6:00 a.m. for a safety lesson. Staring at the swirling grain of the door, I felt watched. I turned and virtually ran down the stairs in my low heels. I took a cab from there to meet Jeremy. I’d picked out my own outfit of jeans, a white tank, and a gray leather jacket. Jeremy was waiting outside as promised.

  When I came up to him, he stepped away from his group of friends and gave me another quick awkward hug. He didn’t seem half as intimidated as last time. I’d found someone to be around, finally, on my own footing. If I hadn’t gone out that New Year’s Eve, I would have probably dated someone just like Jeremy, I thought as he grinned and waved me to follow. We walked into the bar with his group of friends, who were my age, but the usual gap I felt around my peers felt especially wide in a bar. I tried to blend in by touching my hair frequently and smiling for no reason. It was working for me.

  “I like your jacket,” Jeremy said, blue eyes twinkling. “Vegan leather?”

  “Yes,” I replied. It was real. The bar was too loud for lengthy replies.

  “Drink?” He held up a hand and gestured, jiggling a cup. I nodded. “Drinks!” he shouted over the bar. When the bartender came over they shared a creative handshake and a quick laugh. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. Marcy was grinning wide and looking eager to chat.

  “Pretty hair,” Marcy remarked, leaning in so I could hear.

  “Thank you,” I said, and touched my hair, returning the lean-in.

  She just smiled and stared at me swaying a little with the music and mouthing along to some parts of the song. The band was good.

  “Have you known Jeremy long?” I quizzed Marcy.

  “No,” she just smiled.

  “Cool.” I replied, tapping one foot to the band.

  “How do you know Jeremy again?” she asked, as a girl with a Mohawk and a guy in a bowtie holding hands bumped into her.

  “Delivery route,” I replied. “He brought me all my packages.”

  “I bet he did!” she exclaimed giggling and held her cup out for a cheers. I suspected she and Regal hadn’t gone to bed once before midnight in their adult lives. I embraced it.

  “Sorry. No drink,” I said, showing empty hands.

  “Drinks!” Jeremy returned from the bar with a bounty. Three in each hand, pinching the rims in a good show of technique.

  “Yea!” Marcy’s boyfriend Regal called out, grabbing two from his left.

  “This one is yours,” he said, handing me a hard plastic clear cup with a reddish drink inside and an elaborate multi-fruit garnis
h.

  “What is it?” I asked, twirling the swizzle stick. I hadn’t given him my drink order, but he hadn’t asked either.

  “House special. It’s called Best Bet,” he smiled, already bopping along with the beat.

  “Looks crazy,” I said.

  “It’s loco,” he said and made a silly face. “I’m having beer. You want it instead?”

  “No, thanks.” Beer was champagne’s sour, homely cousin. I wouldn’t drink it if I were trapped on a deserted island with a frosty six-pack. I kept that opinion to myself and twirled my garnish some more then took a sniff and recoiled. Rum. I shook my head. “You first,” I said and smiled.

  “Beer before liquor never been sicker,” he recited and took a few chugs. “Ahh.”

  I was still holding out my fancy drink. He took it. “You’re going to hurt my pride,” he said, feigning injury. “And here I thought I could guess everyone’s cocktail preferences.”

  “Is that your super power?” I said, watching him take a big gulp.

  “Tasty,” he judged, grinning. “No. Like all greats, I discovered my superpowers later in life. Since I quit my day job, specifically. My gift is the ability to sleep ‘til noon.” He licked his top lip and passed me back my cup. “And not just on weekends,” he joked.

  “That sounds like a burden of power.”

  “Any circumstance. Different time zone, construction outside, crying baby neighbor. No challenge for Napman.”

  “Color me impressed,” I replied, breaking a smile.

  “You should be,” he said, watching as I sipped my drink and brought it back down. “See? It’s like we kissed already.”

  “You’re funny.” I grinned. Maybe with some work, he was destined for his dreams.

  “You thought I was a snooze?”

  “No,” I chuckled. “You’re just funnier than I remembered.”

  “You should get to know me, Gabrielle. For real this time,” he said sweetly. “I’d like to get to know you.” He smiled and silly danced beside me, then said, “Dance time.” The band had resumed from their break, and the song was good. I let him lead me onto the floor by the wrist. Everyone seemed carefree. We danced a while and took a break in a large round booth off the dance floor with his other friends. I sipped down the melted ice in my drink and set it down. Marcy and another girl named Jess joined in, and the three of us danced for a while like I had years ago with Jill and Vi. A few songs later, we went back to the booth.

  “You okay?” Jess checked casually, brown curly hair tumbling around her round made-up face. I wasn’t sure if she was with their group or a new acquaintance.

  “I’m a lightweight,” I explained, feeling a stronger buzz than expected. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had liquor. I observed Jeremy. His eyes clear and focused as they caught mine. He pulled out a joint from his T-shirt pocket.

  Jess’s eyes lit up. “Oh, that’s your cure. Right there,” she said, pointing to Jeremy’s hand. “Make sure they save some for me.” She glided back out to the dance floor.

  Jeremy lit the end of the tightly wrapped white paper and passed it to Regal. Then Marcy took a puff and it came back to Jeremy, the music bumping loudly. “It’s prescription for my knee,” Jeremy said to me over the ruckus after seeing me watch. He let out a thin stream of smoke. “Much better than pain pills.”

  I nodded, and he said concernedly, “What’s going on with you, Bree? I’ve read some crazy stuff since we last went out.”

  “Personal problems. Ordinary ‘oops, my child’s father is a billionaire’ stuff,” I deflected and picked my nail, imagining Daniel. He laughed. It was a sweet laugh. Perfect for a sitcom, I thought.

  “Is that why you’re here?” he asked, ashing gently on a coaster. “With me? I knew all along I wasn’t your type. I’m not afraid to chase a dream, though. Then the more I saw, I was like…maybe I was wrong. Maybe she’s exactly my type.” He tilted his head looking into my eyes.

  “Thank you,” I blushed.

  “Look,” he said, grinning. “You look like you need a puff. How about a shotgun?” I arched a brow. “Here, I’ll show you,” he said sliding around the booth to me. “Come on, you won’t feel a thing. Weed just chills you out. I was nervous about going out with you. Beforehand I had too many beers,” he smiled sheepishly. “It’s nothing. Weed just sobers you up a bit.”

  “Sure,” I said, forgetting my mom and what my father would have said. And Daniel, up in a jet between clouds with Tristan. I forgot Tristan, too. The single lights from the stage glowed in triplicate.

  He got close, and I moved my lips near. He blew and I breathed. I sucked down the air that smelled of burnings from when someone back home who didn’t know what they were doing burned firewood from a diseased tree. I coughed. Jeremy waited for me to reach my lips to his for a kiss. I sat back in my chair, blinking slowly. Through the shudder, he grinned.

  I don’t know how much time elapsed.

  I was trapped in a video game. The theme to an old video game was playing in my head, and I couldn’t turn it off. Not as low background music either. The room was loud, inside my head was louder. Someone was asking me a question and I was answering with words that weren’t connected to my train of thought, and I was shouting. The room spun. I had to go. An arm wrapped around my waist and there was rustling in my hair, against my ear. Jeremy was saying something to me. His face was an inch from mine. His breath smelled of smoke and beer. My senses were dulled because it wasn’t as strong an odor as I knew it had been.

  “I have to go,” I broke through the fog in my head. He winced and I knew it was because I shouted.

  I pushed his arm off me and walked to the door, clumsily ordering a car service from my phone. If I waited and tried hailing a cab, I was sure I’d fall in the street. My request went through. Two minutes away it said. I was singing ‘two minutes’ so I couldn’t lose the thought and get lost in the cloud.

  “Stay!” Jeremy said. I looked at him, and away. We were outside the bar. I was leaning on a brick wall I knew was very chilly. I took off my jacket.

  “Two minutes,” I said. He chuckled and leaned forward into me. He kissed me and I kissed him back. Almost falling into him. I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t not want to kiss him, but I did not give my body that order. I didn’t think “do kiss him” or, “don’t kiss him”. It was just doing things. The kiss broke off when I stumbled back onto the bricks.

  “Stay with me tonight!” he said, smiling. Looking silly and fun and cute. Not right. I swayed. What was I supposed to be doing? Yoshi ran by and held up two fingers.

  “Two fingers!” I shout-panted.

  “Gosh, you move fast. Be gentle with me,” he said mock-effeminately, falling in for another kiss. I slammed my eyes tight and pursed my lips. I may have left a bruise on his lips from that kiss. I kissed him squarely and literally pushed his face off mine with my lips. I felt like a champion at it. He stumbled back a bit and caught himself on a parking meter, barking laughter.

  I looked around up and down the sidewalk of people milling around, waiting to get in the bar. Catching rides and taking each other home. Slowly, I managed to bring my phone back up to my face, very close. I dropped the hand that was holding the phone.

  “Find me the Subaru, Yoshi,” I ordered to Jeremy, who was doing a sway dance movement and snapping his fingers incessantly. Maybe those were his two minutes. Mine were up.

  “What?” Jeremy shouted.

  I saw the Subaru. Christ, I have no idea how I spotted it. God sends miracles, the thought broke through the smoke. I made the sign of the cross. A lazy one. I told Jeremy bye but it came out as “bubblegum”. I laughed. The sound was awful.

  After several tries, I opened the door and fell into the car sideways. My heart banged in my ears, I knew something was urgent but, what could it be? It didn’t have a name. I tried using my foot to pull the handle to close the car door. I needed to use the very tip of my toe to reach. En pointe, like Madame used to tell me. She n
amed me—Madame. Or was it Violet. I wasn’t worried. Yoshi would get me home. I tried for a few more seconds, at least, I remember. My last memory was Jeremy carrying my coat, walking towards the car, smiling. Urgent words unfound.

  Chapter 31 - The Peril of the Aral

  I woke up in my bed. My eyes blinked open to sunlight.

  “What. The. Fuck.”

  I sat up in bed. I had last night’s clothes on. I looked around the room and saw my boots neatly put away in my closet. I pressed my hands into the mattress to launch myself out of the bed and noticed the sheets rumpled and comforter pulled back on the other side.

  “Who’s here?” I called out. I reached in the top drawer of my nightstand for my Taser, unlocking the safety.

  Violet appeared quickly around the corner, carrying a glass of juice.

  “Hey you. I thought you’d sleep all day,” she said.

  “Tristan?”

  “Still with Daniel.”

  I nodded and sat back down on my side of the bed, bringing my suddenly heavy legs up to rest. I noticed I’d slept in my rings and watch and began pulling them off and setting them on the side table.

  “How did I get here?’ I asked.

  “A car service.”

  “Was anyone with me?” I asked.

  “You mean Jeremy?” she arched and eyebrow.

  “Yes,” I said, clinking the last ring.

  “No,” she answered. She took me in, rumpled and grumpy, and tsked. “Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do.” Then she sipped some juice.

  “You guys told me to get out there, and boy did I.”

  “Don’t sass, Hunt and I carried you into the lobby and up the elevator at 1:00 a.m.,” she said concernedly. “You were drooling.”

  Before I could respond, I felt sick to my stomach and rushed to the bathroom. I cleaned myself up and returned to my indentation in the bed.

  Vi sighed. “I got a call last night from your driver. He said he picked you up outside a bar with a man, but you were out cold, and the man told him to go to his address.”