In the end, I decided it was those last words I spoke that sealed his resolve. It was my confusion, my lack of decisiveness over my own feelings that told Hendrix I had no idea what I felt for Kane and could, therefore, not have any idea what I felt for him. I saw it in his eyes. I read it in his disappointed expression and the regret that weighed his entire body down.
I watched my fate seal as some bright light extinguished from him, inside out.
“I want us to be friends,” he said finally. “I don’t want to lose that relationship, too. I respect you too much for that to-”
“Yes, please,” I said quickly. “I’d like to be friends.” Even if it continued to decimate me until there was nothing left of me. I wouldn’t give up his friendship. Not after I’d given up everything else.
He nodded with more enthusiasm and then stood up and brushed his jeans off. “Good.” He tried a smile, but it didn’t exactly work. With a last glance over his shoulder he said, “You should probably come in, yeah? Page would like to see you. We have decisions to make about what to do next. And I don’t want to worry about you out here. I think I have some kind of complex about you getting stolen now. It… It stresses me out.” Surprise must have shown on my face because he laughed lightly and explained. “I still care about you, Reagan. You’re still part of this family. I just… Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop worrying about your well-being.”
“Right,” I answered weakly. My well being. What an ugly word. I stood up on weak legs and brushed my butt off with trembling hands.
“We’ll make it,” Hendrix promised. “You’ll make it. I have no doubt about that. You’re the strongest person I know.”
Finding some of my old spunk, I looked at him and asked with a challenging lift of my eyebrows. “Are you consoling me after you dumped me?”
He laughed again only this time it sounded genuine. “So it’s not working?”
“It’s not working,” I confirmed. “It’s almost as bad as when you try to joke.”
“Oh, geez. I’ll stop then.”
“Thank, god!” We had smiled at each other for another second before I had to turn around and pretend that whatever was left of my heart hadn’t just been stomped beneath his dirty boots and crushed into oblivion.
Page. Decisions. I had things to think about and people to face. I had to focus. I had to move beyond these horrific moments and make my body go on even if my soul had been left somewhere behind me.
I could do this.
I was a survivor.
I could survive this.
Chapter Two
We spent the rest of the day catching Page up with gentle explanations of what happened after she slipped into her little coma and coming up with a game plan for getting back to the compound. She took the news as well as she could. It was obvious that she was shell-shocked and still weak and tired from her infection, but it was also obvious that she was ecstatic to be reunited with her brothers and out of immediate danger.
She clung to me during our discussions and I couldn’t help but feel all glowy and relieved. I had been brutally punishing myself over the last several days. I couldn’t stop the guilt from heaping high on my shoulders and weighing down on my chest. I was the reason she had been kidnapped in the first place. I couldn’t stop the Zombie from attacking her and then from biting her. I was the reason her family had risked life and limb to save us. And I was the reason her older brother was so completely miserable.
Me.
I had done this all.
But she loved me anyway and that was enough to help me begin the process of self-forgiveness.
The majority of the blame could be put on Kane. I knew that. Or his psychotic mother and father. But I also wasn’t one that could so universally blame someone else for all my problems without feeling my own responsibility.
Blaming Kane only got me so far. And it didn’t offer any tangible solution to any of these problems.
I found it easier to take the guilt myself because I could control the outcome of those emotions. It was a natural response for me. And while I had been miserable since I first woke up in Kane’s cabin, with Page awake now, I could tilt my face toward the sun and begin a necessary healing process.
All of the guilt, shame and regret I had built over these long weeks would be dealt with. One thing at a time. And I would face each demon with courage and commitment to see it banished forever.
I had to. There was no other choice. For as much trauma and horror as I’d been through recently if I didn’t exile these plaguing thoughts, I would never be right with myself. And for my own survival, both emotional and physical, I needed to be right with myself.
“So, it’s decided,” Vaughan spoke up with authority. “We’ll head back to the compound first thing in the morning. “We’ll scope out things from a distance and make our decision from there.” His intelligent eyes flickered over Kane and Linley where they sat bound and imprisoned across the room. “And if Matthias has taken over. We will make the necessary arrangements to get it back.”
Which meant trading Matthias’s wife and eldest son for our home.
None of this sat well with us.
“I’m still not comfortable with handing them back,” Gage said in a lowered voice. “We can’t defend the compound from the full force of the Colony’s militia. We’ll get the compound back but for how long?”
I had those exact same thoughts so I was glad Gage voiced them. I wondered if removing myself from the compound would lessen Matthias’s interest in Gage’s territory, but instinct told me Matthias’s designs were much more global than his son’s love interest. Matthias had decided to take over completely and Gage’s storage facility was a tactical outpost among his already claimed land. He wouldn’t give that up willingly and never for long.
He could take his family back but then he only had to regroup and attack again.
We wouldn’t be able to hold off a relentless assault. Our supplies would be cut off if we couldn’t leave and our ammo would only last so long.
The storage facility was a castle under siege at that point. It was potentially defendable, but without a constant stream of resources, we would be cut off at the knees. It would only be a matter of time before we were forced to surrender.
Likely, Matthias would realize that immediately. Or already had.
“The other option is to leave,” Vaughan said simply. “We go anywhere outside of Matthias’s territory.”
“We have to leave. If we give up the mother and son, it will only be a matter of time before he demands his other children be given back,” Hendrix added in a hushed voice. “And then who next?” His eyes flashed to me and then away. There was a question in them, doubt and uncertainty.
Hendrix wondered if I would go willingly. If Kane called for me, Hendrix expected me to answer.
A wave of nausea rolled over me. Did everyone think that? Because Hendrix broke up with me over Kane, did everyone assume I was a traitor? In love with the enemy?
“We would never give him Tyler and Miller,” Vaughan growled at his brother. “He will never get them again.”
Hendrix held up his hands in supplication. “I never said we would give them to him. I’m just saying what he will want.”
“I have to go back,” Gage interjected the family fight. “I have to see for myself how those people are doing, if they’re under new management and if they are miserable. I can’t just leave them. They trusted me, sought me out for sanctuary. I can’t abandon them.”
That sent our group back to silence. It would be so easy to leave Kane and Linley here and run the other direction. We would never have to see the Allens again. We could flee from this chaos and save our own skin.
But Gage was right. He did have a responsibility to those people. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same call to at least see how they were doing. After months with them, after teaching school and helping Vaughan and Hendrix train them, I felt a part of
them, too.
Rock and a hard place.
That’s where we were.
“So we go,” Vaughan answered decidedly. “You’re right, Gage. We can’t leave those people.”
“We can leave them,” Hendrix argued. “Vaughan, think about your family. You’re putting all of us in danger. It’s kind of hard to stick together if we’re all dead.”
A muscle in Vaughan’s jaw ticked. “Family will always be first to me. But you know as well as I do that we’re not going to split up. We can’t abandon two hundred people to save our own skins. Your conscience would never let you do that.”
“You don’t know what my conscience will let me do,” Hendrix snarled. “We just got Page back. She just woke up. And now you want to take her to where Matthias Allen can sink his filthy claws into her again? Are you out of your goddamn mind?”
Vaughan rose to his feet and stared down his younger brother. “You would leave all those people to rot under those same claws because you’re too selfish to pull your head out of your ass?”
“We can’t save those people!” Hendrix threw up his arms and jumped to his feet to stare his brother down at an even height. I cringed into the couch and pulled Page tighter to me. Haley sat on the other side of her and also huddled close to us. “If Matthias has those people they are as good as dead. You’d have to be an idiot not to see that.”
I could feel the explosiveness of the atmosphere ripple and shift around us. I knew that Hendrix and Vaughan didn’t often fight, but that was because they usually had the same best interest of the family in mind. With their strong wills clashing, the energy in the room became volatile and dangerous.
“And what about Gage? That’s his family!” Vaughan took a threatening step forward.
“Then let him go protect them.” Hendrix quieted his tone and stepped back. “Vaughan, this is not our fight. This is nobody’s fight. At first I felt responsible for bringing it to their doorstep but now I see that it was inevitable. Matthias would have closed in on that land no matter what. We have to leave. We have to get out of his way or he’s going to destroy every last one of us.”
My stomach coiled into knots and the pounding headache I’d had for the last several days drummed relentlessly at my temples. Page stirred at my side and looked up at her brothers with big, helpless eyes. I wondered how much of this she understood. She was incredibly smart for her age, but this discussion, hopefully, hovered above her complete understanding.
When Hendrix spoke again, his voice was resigned steel. “Leave the Allens here. Leave everything else behind. We can fight this war that is not ours or we can live. The choice is obvious to me.”
Vaughan sighed in defeat and shot Gage a frustrated plea for help. “Hendrix, you cannot be this cold-hearted. Think about all those lives.”
Hendrix turned his back on his brother and stared hard at the place where Kane and his mother listened to their argument with amused interest. “I’ve thought about them, Vaughan. And I’ve decided Matthias Allen and his family have taken enough from me. I won’t let them take my family, too. Or, again. I’m finished fighting their wars on their terms. I want out. We have Page back. We have Reagan. Let’s go. Let’s get out of here while we still can.”
“Where do you want to go?” Nelson asked sounding very on board with Hendrix’s plan. It was also the first time another member of the Parker family had dared to join the conversation.
“North,” Hendrix shrugged. “South, east, west. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re away from Allen territory.”
“Gage?” Vaughan’s tone begged Gage to bring some reason to the conversation.
“Hendrix is right,” Gage replied. “I need to check on the compound but you guys don’t need to. Let me go alone. You’ve done enough for me.”
“And you’ve done everything for us!” Vaughan growled. “If not for you we would have been Feeder food that first day. You’ve given us shelter, food and weapons and all we’ve done in return is brought war to your world and an enemy to your front door.”
Gage shook his head firmly. “No. Tyler told you what Linley said. Matthias would have come no matter what. Maybe not this soon, but his presence over the compound was inevitable. You gave us some time. Training. Skills to fight back. Don’t blame this on yourself. Put the blame where it belongs.”
Vaughan winced. “Hendrix, we can’t leave them. We can’t just walk away.”
Hendrix turned around and met his brother’s desperate plea. “Vaughan, don’t ask me to go back there. Because I will not. Even if it splits us apart, I will not take my family back there and put them in a place where Matthias can reach them. Where he can tear us apart again and hurt us. Kill us.”
Vaughan looked like he was in physical pain from the blow Hendrix dealt. He stumbled back and ran a hand through his tousled hair. Tyler reached up to him and grabbed his hand in a gesture of support and comfort. He looked down at her with gratitude, but the haunted look on his face didn’t disappear.
We fell into silence after that because nobody knew what to say. Hendrix was right and we all knew it but Vaughan was also right. I felt as torn down the middle about the discussion as anyone else. The last thing I wanted to do was put myself in any kind of position to be poisoned by the Allen family again. At the same time, I didn’t think I was capable of leaving all this mess behind. I didn’t know if I was capable of leaving Kane behind.
I wasn’t emotionally stable enough to dissect that thought, but there it was.
I didn’t want to leave him.
Not yet.
After several minutes of silence, Harrison found the compromise all of us wanted.
“We could kill him,” Harrison announced. All of our heads swiveled his direction. He sat lounged in an elegantly styled dining room chair. His posture slouched terribly and his legs stretched out in front of him taking up way too much space. When not one of us said anything, he went on. “We’d solve a lot of problems if we just killed him.”
“And his army?” Haley asked thoughtfully.
Harrison shrugged. “He’s a dictator. He’s not a religion. And he’s not a cause. He represents safety and stability. They just want someone to follow. When Matthias dies, give them a new person to follow.” He gave Vaughan a pointed look.
“Not me,” Vaughan answered quickly. Then he looked at Gage. “You’re already a leader.”
“You’re a leader, too,” Gage answered.
“The only people group I want to lead is my family. You can have all of Matthias’s people, his army and his land. We just want to be left in peace.” Vaughan turned his attention to Hendrix. “What about that? You down for a little assassination attempt?”
Hendrix looked around at our group, made up mostly of his family. He was across the space from me and the dim lighting and his height obscured his gaze, but for a second I thought he locked eyes with me. It could all have been in my head, but I swore I could feel his signature intensity as it undulated through the space between us. But then it was gone and his attention focused obviously on his older brother.
“If we do this, we do it all the way. We kill him. He’s a dead man. We don’t leave any room for doubt or weakness. We don’t give him any reason to come after us. We end this now.” Hendrix crossed his arms against his chest and dared someone to contradict him.
Nobody did.
“He might not even be there, y’all,” Tyler put in. “This discussion could all be for nothing.”
Hendrix dropped his attention to where she sat still holding Vaughan’s hand. “Do you really believe that?”
She sighed, “No.”
Gage stood up and moved toward Vaughan. With a glance over his shoulder he said, “We should plan this out.”
Vaughan nodded his head toward the back of the room. “Haley and Tyler, keep an eye on Page.”
“Because we’re women?” Haley snapped.
Vaughan seemed to weigh his words carefully but then finally agreed, “Yes, because you’re women.
And because my brother’s and I have some knowledge about tactical planning.”
She grumbled something that sounded angry, but she didn’t argue. Nelson gave her a placating hug and promised to keep her filled in. She shrugged him off but turned to Page, who was full of smiles.
“Reagan, you’re in charge of the prisoners,” Vaughan ordered gruffly.
“Okay,” I answered.
I walked over to Kane and his mother with no small amount of reluctance. I should have expected this. But I had been trying my hardest to avoid Kane since we arrived at this antique store.
My feelings for him were confused to say the least and the rational part of my brain, the part I chose to use, told me to ignore everything I felt and stay far away from him. So far, I’d been lucky. Or at least Vaughan had been looking out for me.
With my gun in hand and another tucked into the back of my pants, I climbed up onto a barstool and took up my position as a guard. Kane looked up at me with sparkling black eyes from underneath a dim lantern; I did my best to ignore him.
The scientists talked in an opposite corner. Their conversation had died down during our heated discussion but now that the boys had wandered somewhere private, their voices had picked up to their usual volume.
I wondered what made them linger here for as long as they did. They had a purpose for being on this side of Mexico, and hanging out with us was not aiding their mission. However, we could all see how interested in Page they were. Not one of us had spoken to them about her bite or why she was sick, but it wasn’t that difficult to speculate what had happened either. So far they had refrained from asking direct questions, but I could feel that it was only a matter of time. Especially, if we were parting ways in the morning.
I seriously doubted they wanted to abandon their quest and go to war with us.
Come to think of it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to war either.
“He’s going to be ready for you,” Kane spoke and my entire body jumped to attention.
Love and Decay, Season Two Omnibus: Episodes 1-12 Page 52