While he slept.
I would wonder if I could pull it off. If I was brave enough.
I wasn’t.
I couldn’t.
I felt too deeply for him, I couldn’t truly entertain the idea of hurting him.
Which only fueled my guilt and my torment.
My soul bubbled and burned with the dichotomy of warring emotions. I hated Kane. I didn’t hate Kane. I felt so much more than hate for Kane. It was too much.
I could feel my insides crack and splinter in as many directions as I had emotions. I felt my sanity slip, and my innocence shatter. I felt myself become a person I couldn’t recognize, a person I didn’t even like anymore.
Then I would only feel more guilt because this wasn’t about me. There was so much more going on than my relationship drama and the reasons the best man I had ever met had realized I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.
I was confused. I was hurt. I was trapped. I was a murderer.
I was broken.
And I didn’t know how to fix myself or this mess.
Kane promised retribution, but he hadn’t given me absolute ideas. My friends rotted in the Allen version of a prison. And all the while the Colony conquered more land, stretched its borders further and further and infected whatever was left of humanity with a plague that was more deadly and much more destructive than the infection that had started this all.
I squirmed in the luxurious bed and pulled the warm quilt more securely over my body. The first night Kane and I stayed together we’d discussed which one of us could sleep on the floor. Having slept on worse than this, I had no problem with making my bed down there. But Kane had been pretty adamant that I stay in the bed.
I couldn’t let him sleep on the floor either. I mean, I wasn’t a monster… So we’d made the mutual, uncomfortable decision to sleep together.
Platonically.
We hadn’t been intimate again since before Gage’s execution. He’d given me plenty of room, and I appreciated every inch.
I hadn’t been in a good place before Gage died. Now I was a fragile, over-emotional mess. One good makeout was liable to send me into raptures of love and the sacred handing over of my virginity.
Not that I wanted to hold onto that stupid thing anymore. I was having trouble adjusting to the idea that I might not be giving it to Hendrix.
Okay, in all likelihood, I would definitely not be giving it to Hendrix, which only made our breakup that much more finalized.
And it was another reminder how much of a shit hole my life had become.
Basically, I wasn’t in the mood for sexy time.
Damn it all to hell. What a giant mess I’d made of things.
Kane stirred next to me and blinked up with sleepy eyes. They were black in the low lantern light and adorably confused.
“Whenever I wake up, it feels more like a dream than when I was sleeping,” he murmured to me with a gravelly, sleep-laden voice.
I allowed myself a small smile and brushed the wayward hair from his forehead. “I wish I were sleeping.”
He continued to blink at me as the world came slowly into focus for him. “It’s hard for me to believe you’re real, that you’re here with me, in my bed.”
I swallowed against a hundred different things to say. I wanted to remind him that I didn’t want to be here, that I was here against my will. I wanted to explain to him that I didn’t feel real, I didn’t feel whole, and I really didn’t feel like the person he thought he was in love with.
Kane stretched his arms over his head and arched his back. He made a low grumbling noise that coaxed another smile out of me. I watched him shamelessly. This was one of those moments where I wasn’t confused. I knew exactly what I felt when he did something like that.
Lust.
Heady, dizzying, consuming lust.
He brought his head back down and opened his arms for me. I immediately jumped inside his warm embrace and let the familiar heat of his body soothe my frayed nerves and anxious heart.
We hadn’t kissed in several days. That didn’t mean we didn’t snuggle.
We were sharing a bed after all. When someone felt as strongly as Kane did and when the other person had been through as much hell as I had, spooning was inevitable.
Only this time I didn’t turn my back on him. I rested my head on his muscular chest and threw my outside arm over his taut stomach. Both of his arms went around me and when he hugged me tighter to his chest, our legs automatically wove together.
“What’s the plan for today?” I whispered.
He squeezed me tighter. “I don’t know.”
“More executions?”
Kane sounded depressingly somber when he answered, “Not that I’m aware of.”
“Do you think he’ll let me see my friends today?”
I held my breath and waited for his reply. It wasn’t as though Kane was aiding his father in keeping me away from all those I loved, but there wasn’t much he could do. Matthias dictated our every activity, and we knew we had to tread carefully or something terrible would happen.
Again.
Gage had been a lesson and a warning.
I was in no hurry to lose another friend.
In fact, I would do whatever it took not to lose another friend.
I didn’t know exactly what that meant yet, but I felt it with conviction. I felt it in the center of my bones and the pit of my soul. I would do whatever it took to keep us alive and together.
Whatever. It. Took.
“We’ll try,” Kane finally said. “We’ll do what we can. I’ll at least find out how they’re being treated and see if I can figure out what Matthias has planned for them.”
“Have you heard about the other scientists? How many are left or if they’re all dead?”
“There are two left.” His fingers glanced over my temple and brushed my wild, tousled hair behind my ear.
“I can’t decide if I care or not. Is that bad?” The words had poured out of me before I realized whom I was speaking them to. And then I had to sit in anxious silence while Kane Allen formed a response.
I knew he’d changed for me. Some of his holes had been filled in, his darker edges faded and softened. His goodness had grown and spread through his body. He was filled with something other than obsession, other than survival at any cost. He was capable of love and kindness and sacrifice.
But that didn’t mean all the darkness had fled. I often wondered how much of it remained.
And how much was too much.
“They hurt you,” he finally said. “They betrayed your generosity and tried to take Page from you. I don’t think you have it in you to wish them ill, but I don’t think you have to want the best for them either. Do you think that if they were free, if Matthias let them go, that they would leave here without looking back? Or do you think they would go after Page again?”
I thought about that. I thought about the last words of the scientist I had watched die. I thought about his determination and blinded reason. “Yes,” I answered without any doubt. “They would go after Page again. They see the value in her that keeps them from acting intelligently or compassionately.”
“There is value in her that should keep them acting intelligently. She is a rare and precious commodity in an evil world. She is maybe the most valuable thing that humanity has right now.”
“Because of her blood?”
“Because she represents hope, Reagan. And hope is stronger than anything else we have. It’s stronger than Zombies, and guns and my father. It’s what will save us. Truly.”
That familiar warmth spread through me like liquid fire through my blood. I closed my eyes and treasured Kane’s optimistic reply. He was right about Page. And he was right about hope.
Kane leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “She’s rare, but not the only one of her kind. You’re hope too, Reagan. You’re hope for me. You’re hope for anyone that meets you. You offer the promise of salvation and survival a
nd a life of so much more than both. And sometimes,” he drew me closer still and dropped soft kisses along my hairline, “And sometimes, you give those things to others and they are irrevocably changed because of you.”
My eyes fluttered closed and I basked in Kane and his overwhelming presence. Emotion so strong that I could not put a name to it gripped my heart and clutched at my soul. It was more than any word could describe or define. It was profound.
And it profoundly changed me.
I opened my eyes to find him watching me. There was the same expression on his face that I felt boil and sizzle in my blood. I felt hypnotized by those dark eyes, lost in the pool of feeling and affection that he felt for me. He didn’t have to say anything at this moment, but he stole my breath and created a tingling sensation in every molecule inside of me.
I was falling for Kane. Deeply. Wholly. Greatly.
And I could blame this on the dissolution of my relationship with Hendrix, or I could recognize this for what it was- something that had been building since the first time we met. Even in the beginning something connected us. And as much as I ran from him, as unhealthy as he had been for me all this time, this finally felt right.
I finally allowed myself to reciprocate whatever this was between us and feel it without any guilt or shame.
I couldn’t stop it at this point. And I didn’t want to anymore.
He seemed to feel the change in me. Or maybe he saw it. It felt as transparent as the color of my eyes or the feel of my bare skin against his. It felt as though I was suddenly glowing with Kane’s mark, or bearing his claim.
He stopped fighting whatever was holding him back and dipped his head. His lips touched mine with all the sparks and fireworks that were meant to be in a kiss. He tasted me slowly at first, savored me.
Cherished me.
His tongue swept over my bottom lip, asking permission to deepen the kiss. I ignored the self-consciousness of my morning breath and opened up for him. His mouth was hot and possessive against mine, adoring and achingly sweet.
And just as it was getting hot, just as I was grasping at his thin t-shirt and pressing my hips into his, there was a succession of three knocks on the metal door.
We flew apart, equally startled by the abrupt interruption. My heart pounded wildly in my chest and my breathing quickened.
I should have known it was coming. Every morning so far, we’d been summoned for breakfast in the same way. I still wasn’t sure if Matthias sent his watchdogs to wake us in an effort to control us or if it was a genuine gesture of goodwill to his son to alert him of mealtime. When I asked Kane, he shrugged and said he’d been asking those same questions his entire life.
Living with Kane, I had started to understand the kind of constant tension the Allen kids lived with their entire lives. It was like walking on hot coals without ever getting a break. Your feet burned and hurt in constant agony, but you had to keep moving because if you stopped, it would be so much worse.
Kane gave me an unreadable look but pulled himself out of bed. I followed him and went about the task of washing my face from the basin in the corner and trying to do something with my ridiculously long hair.
I was tempted to steal Kane’s hunting knife so I could take out some of my pent up aggression on my unmanageable locks. I would have to steal it though because when I asked Kane for it a few days ago and told him what I planned to do with it, he looked absolutely horrified. He immediately got up, grabbed his knife and left the room.
He came back without it.
Clearly he was not in favor of the Reagan-method of hair styling.
Kane was ready before me and waited by the door while I finished. Some things would never change like girls taking longer than boys to get ready. I chalked it up to the fact that we had more things to take care of than boys. More hair. More places to shave. More accessories. Makeup. More reasons to stare at ourselves in the mirror for minutes on end.
Not that I was shaving, putting accessories or makeup on, or even looking at myself in the mirror for half a second. But… still. I had the whole hair thing.
“Ready?” Kane asked when I’d finally pulled myself together.
I nodded, unable to verbalize my consent to walking to breakfast with his parents. They made us sit with them. Like we were one big happy family.
It was disgusting.
And if anybody actually bought into Matthias’s illusion of perfection, then I decided I would officially give up on humanity. I did not have time for that kind of stupid.
Kane rolled up the door and we followed our “escort” down to the warehouse.
This was another one of those moments when I didn’t know if the armed men Matthias had assigned to us were there to protect us or imprison us. Or if they were just here for me because Matthias had deemed me a “flight risk.” Or if he also had his suspicions about Kane’s loyalty.
Other than the increase in armed men and the Allen family residents, not much else had changed at the compound since I’d been away.
Meals were still served the same way. The residents still carried out the same day-to-day tasks that they always had. And life continued to flow in the same organized method that it had before.
My heart clenched at the memory of Gage and all he had built here. We hadn’t known each other for even a year, but our friendship had been forged in the fiery hell of the Zombie Apocalypse. He didn’t deserve to die the way he did.
We entered the warehouse area and activity seemed to stop completely. People milled about everywhere until I walked in and then they froze completely while they simultaneously tried not to look at me. Or anywhere near me.
And I was glad of it. I loved the uncomfortable atmosphere I carried with me. I loved that I made them squirm and shift and unable to make eye contact with anyone. I hoped they were utterly ashamed of how they’d treated Gage. I hoped they choked on their guilt and ugliness. We came back for them. We came back so Gage could protect them.
And they murdered him.
I wanted to walk through the room and point a finger in all of their faces and demand they defend their actions. I knew they couldn’t. I knew they wouldn’t be able to tell me why they turned on Gage or why they listened to Matthias.
But they made their choice.
And I was content to let them live with it.
I didn’t need revenge when I knew their obedience and loyalty to Matthias would be enough of a retribution for their sins.
And maybe that was cruel of me. Maybe I should have tried to save them despite their stupidity. Maybe I still owed them something because we were part of all that remained of humanity and if someone didn’t show them that decency, respect and morality still existed then those would become extinct concepts and, Zombies or not, we had no hope.
But I didn’t have it in me. Damn all of them. Damn them all to hell. I was tired of fighting for people who didn’t want to be saved and for the dregs of society that didn’t deserve to be saved.
I was back to saving my own skin and the skin of those I loved.
Let the rest of them rot.
Kane led me through the buffet line that consisted of an oatmeal type dish cooked in a cast iron skillet over an open flame and summer sausage. This was a feast compared to what Gage had us living off of in those last days when supply runs had become too dangerous, thanks to the same man who now spoiled these people with his endless stockpile of provisions.
On the first day back, he’d actually served bacon. Bacon. Freaking bacon! Matthias had declared loudly that he still kept cattle and pigs and bacon wasn’t the only fresh meat he could provide. It was a celebration breakfast. Kind of like a ding dong the old regime is dead celebration.
These people had sold their souls to Matthias for bacon.
Once we had our plates, Kane led me to the “family” table.
I sat down.
I faced Satan. And I lost whatever appetite I had before.
“Mornin’, Sunshine,” Matthias grinned at me.
I offered him a curt smile and dug into my oatmeal. Appetite or not, I needed to shove something in my mouth before I got myself into trouble.
“Y’all sleep well?” he pressed, only this time he at least included Kane.
Kane let out half a chuckle and said, “We did,” with about as much self-satisfaction and innuendo as possible.
I blushed appropriately, but it was embarrassing. Even though nothing happened behind those closed doors, I still couldn’t stop the feelings of complete exposure. Besides, that was Matthias’s intention. If he couldn’t physically punish me how he wanted to, then it would be emotional. He would humiliate me over and over and over until he broke me.
I glanced over at a subdued Tyler. She looked miserable. She had a new black eye to match the one she’d been gifted after she’d been captured. Her lip had been split open again and trickled blood down her chin while she forced herself to eat. Her hands shook with every lift of her spoon. She stared at her breakfast with vacant eyes and her body held no life.
Honestly, I didn’t know if there was still hope for her. And that broke my heart all over again.
I hoped this was an act. I prayed that she was just giving Matthias what he wanted until we found a way out of this mess. Because if not… Well, I just wouldn’t accept it. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow Tyler to become this shattered person with a missing soul. I would force her into whom she used to be. I would shove spitfire and snark down her throat until she choked on it. I would not allow Matthias to take one more thing from me.
“Where’s Miller?” Kane asked after Linley sat down and his absence became obvious.
There was a charged silence that lasted a full minute before Matthias finally said, “Miller’s not feeling up to getting out of bed today.”
And it was as simple as that. The Allens went back to eating and life moved on. I stared at my plate and wondered if I would ever feel hungry again.
Miller wasn’t feeling up to getting out of bed today? Yeah, right. It didn’t matter how Miller felt. He could have the bubonic plague and Matthias would expect him at breakfast.
What he really meant was that Miller had been beaten into oblivious unconsciousness and was physically incapable of getting out of bed.
Love and Decay, Season Two Omnibus: Episodes 1-12 Page 63