If I survived this day, it would be a miracle.
That thought was somehow lost in the complex shuffle that I survived daily. It was a true miracle.
God, the Zombie Apocalypse sucked so hard.
Page and Miller slept curled up together on the bed. They had both been through enough earth-shattering catastrophes lately that their more innocent natures let them have peace through the long night.
Or so I thought.
Even while I knew morning had come, I hadn’t made a move toward the door yet. Frankly, I just wasn’t ready to face this day. I couldn’t bring myself to move or gather the courage to fight Zombies, Matthias and his evil goons, or the truth about where Vaughan and everyone else had gone and why they weren’t here yet.
After a long night dealing with me, Hendrix had finally dozed off and I didn’t want to wake him either. I looked at the dark bruises beneath his closed eyes and wondered when the last time he’d gotten a good night sleep was. He was skinnier than ever before and his beard and hair were tangled into unruly knots.
He looked more homeless than ever.
But like a hot homeless.
The bunker had a shower system and I contemplated making the most of it before we headed off on the impossible crusade to rescue our friends, fight hordes of Zombies and Matthias’s army of evil. I needed to prepare to potentially face the unimaginable like something happening to the rest of the Parkers, Tyler and Haley. I knew I would be a much better version of myself in all of those circumstances if I were somewhat clean and shaven. Probably Hendrix would be too.
Or, the truth. It didn’t matter. If we had to do any of those things, we would pull our shit together and become the maelstroms of destruction we had been known to morph into on the occasionally necessary fight for our lives.
Miller sat up in bed so quickly and with such a large gulp of air, I jumped in my place on the couch across the room. He reached out around him, feeling the unfamiliar bed and taking in the dim space with wild, confused eyes.
His gaze came to rest on Page and he stilled completely. He stared down at her with a new confusion and his body started to tremble.
I had been silent as I watched him from across the room. I didn’t think he saw that I was awake in the ten seconds it took him to do his scan before he found Page next to him. And even now, I wasn’t sure if it mattered to him that he had an audience.
He needed someone. He was just a kid after all, and while I had hoped he would be somewhat untouched by the tragedy of this world and the heartbreak of last night, he was not.
I should have known better. His brother died. A brother he sometimes hated and sometimes counted on to protect him. A brother that had stepped out of their dad’s way Miller’s entire life so Matthias could do as he pleased. But in the last act of Kane’s existence, he’d sacrificed his life to save us all- to save Miller.
Miller tore his gaze away from Page to watch me cross the room to him. His eyes grew even more confused and scared. His eyebrows lifted to his hairline, and his hands shook so badly I could see them tremble from here.
He sucked in another gasping breath and spoke with a raspy, sleep-tainted voice, “He didn’t say goodbye to me.”
I thought I would be okay. I thought I could pull myself together and survive this. Until that.
Those words tore at my fragile heart and pushed me to close the distance between us. I leaped onto the bed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders while he immediately started to cry. He buried his face against my collarbone and hugged me back with a painfully tight embrace.
His sobs soon echoed around the small bunker, heavy and thick with remorse, and pained with grief. I had never before seen Miller so affected by trauma. The poor kid had enough of it in his life, this was just one more event to add to his long list of damaging ordeals and I was surprised that this was the specific circumstance that broke him.
Obviously, his brother had died, and that would be hard for anyone. But Miller had been through so much and seemed capable of putting on a brave face for all of it.
His raw, unfiltered grief ripped open my own and soon we were sobbing, hysterical puddles of tears and snot. We took comfort in each other. We drank in the other’s pain, knowing we might be the only two people alive that would cry for Kane and feel the loss of his life so acutely.
Unable to quiet our tears, we woke Page and Hendrix. Page seemed completely comfortable with all our messy emotion, but Hendrix did not share the same compassion. And after our talk last night, I didn’t blame him.
In Page’s usual way, she simply sat up and threw her arms around Miller. She rested her cheek against his back and hugged him tightly around the middle. He seemed to settle a little with her touch, and his sobbing turned into quiet sniffles.
Hendrix stood up from the couch and the uncomfortable position he’d fallen asleep in. He walked to the door, opened it a crack and slammed it closed.
“Not out there,” he mumbled. “At least, I hope to god they’re not out there.”
That must have meant Zombies.
And with Kane’s gory, recently dead body tempting anything undead within sniffing distance, I really hadn’t expected anything else. If Vaughan and the gang were out there, I hoped they were keeping a safe distance and an optimistic outlook that the rest of us were still alive and not infected.
Hendrix walked by us silently and slipped into the bathroom. I heard the pump of water and the shower turn on. I knew there were extra clothes here from the last time I stayed. I wanted to gather some up for Hendrix and get them to him, but first I needed to deal with Miller.
“Your brother loved you,” I told him in a hoarse voice scratched raw from all of the crying recently. “He always did what he could to protect you. Even if it didn’t seem like it.” I wanted to explain to Miller that Kane had backed off from Matthias’s abuse because whenever he interfered, Matthias made things worse. Matthias manipulated and used Kane’s affection for his siblings to increase the abuse and torment. Whether right or wrong, Kane had become the person that he was in an effort to protect his siblings. I didn’t know how to explain that to a twelve-year-old boy though. Or prove to him that his brother had loved him enough to end his own life.
That barely made any sense to me.
Miller sniffled against me. “How do you know?”
“He told me,” I promised him. “He told me more than once.”
Miller pulled back and blinked up at me with those dark gray eyes that were so much like his older brother. “He told me to keep you safe for him.”
Fresh agony sliced through me, and I almost lost it again. Page’s small hand reached from around Miller and grabbed mine.
“See?” I forced out with a sandpapery voice that I could barely hear over the rushing in my ears. “He told me the same thing about you.”
Miller’s expression brightened minimally, but I would take it. It was just the foundation I would use to build him up more and more. No twelve-year-old deserved the life and trauma Miller had been served and from this day out I would follow through with that small lie. I would get his brother to safety. And I would keep him safe.
And I would make sure he felt safe from this moment on.
Well, maybe not exactly this moment. But as soon as we got out of this mess and away from his psychotic father… Then I would make sure he felt safe forever and ever amen.
Hendrix slammed the bathroom door open with an attitude the size of the Apocalypse on his shoulders. I only had a second to wonder what his problem was before he walked into the room in only a skimpy towel that barely covered his narrow hips.
I averted my eyes. That was not a sight I needed branded into my memory.
“Don’t look away now. Might as well enjoy the show,” he grumped at me. “I can’t put those clothes back on. I’m forced to fight our way out of this naked.” He paused for just a moment and came back in an even bleaker tone. “Page, I’m sorry I have to put you through this. I think you’ve been scarred
enough for one life, but I don’t know how to save you from this one.”
I pressed my lips together and tried not to laugh. Page fell back on the bed and covered her face with both hands.
“It can’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened,” I offered generously.
He raised both eyebrows and gave me a look that firmly contradicted my viewpoint. “Reagan, I’m buck-ass naked and there are fifteen Feeders out there that won’t be able to take their lusty eyes off me. This is definitely the worst thing that’s ever happened.”
Page groaned and let out a series of “Ew! Ew ew ew ew!”
I scrambled off the bed and dug around in the stores of clothes that were kept here. I blindly threw a pair of jeans, a thin undershirt and a flannel button up shirt behind me. They smelled like dust and neglect, but they weren’t covered in blood and gore and I understood Hendrix’s need to wear anything other than what he had on before his shower.
Hendrix cleared his throat, “That should help with how the day goes from here.”
I turned around just in time to get a peek at his naked ass when he bent over to scoop up the scattered clothes. I let out a hysterical giggle and covered my eyes immediately.
“I’ll expect a generous tip for that,” he mumbled. “You’re welcome.”
I snorted another laugh while he disappeared back into the bathroom. I searched around for some underwear, but I couldn’t find any for him.
Or for the kids.
“I can’t find any skivvies!” I called to him.
“I haven’t worn any for over a year. I don’t know why I would start now.” His muffled voice carried back to me and I squashed the urge to giggle more.
I was way over-emotional. I could feel it in my entire body. Today everything was going to be infinitely more hilarious than it was supposed to be and drastically more depressing. My mind and soul were tangled together in a tornado of too much feeling. I felt everything so much more than I wanted to. My life would be infinitely easier if I could just shut everything off and function without the pressure of emotions getting in the way and clogging up all my rational thinking.
And besides the desperate need to rescue my friends and escape this hellish nightmare we were trapped in, I had to somehow process Kane’s death.
As much as I hated the sheer volume of the crazy emotions I felt right now, I could at least admit that I’d been able to push the true degree of grief and anguish for what happened to the backburner. The incentive to survive the day and escape gave me the power to table Kane and the heartbreak I was bound to face. Adrenaline would get me through today and I promised myself more of the breakdown I deserve.
I didn’t know if it would be a mental or physical kind or maybe a little bit of both, but I had earned the right to lose my mind and I was bound and determined to get to a safe enough place to let it all out.
One way or the other.
I forced my mind and body into productive submission and dug through the clothes for an outfit for me and something that Miller and Page could wear. They had fewer options than Hendrix and me since they were so small. I settled on sweatpants we could roll up and the smallest long-sleeved t-shirts I could find. They would be swimming in them, but it would be better than spending the day covered in yesterday’s battle.
And all the reminders of everything that went wrong.
When Hendrix came out of the bathroom again, it was with less fury. The door didn’t slam and he wasn’t naked.
Already there were two improvements this morning.
I slipped in next with instructions that Hendrix should find something to make for breakfast. He gave me a surprised look that indicated he had a hard time believing I’d pulled myself together after last night.
I silently conveyed to him that I would lose my shit at some point, but that now wasn’t the time.
I glanced over at his sister and Miller, and my resolve to keep it together fortified. I didn’t have just me to worry about. As usual, my actions and mental state were forced to surrender to the crazy amount of people I loved and wanted to live.
I wouldn’t let Kane’s death repeat itself. I wouldn’t let anybody else sacrifice themselves like that or leave me to this disgusting world while they got to enjoy the Zombie-free existence of the afterlife.
Although, I definitely felt like I’d left this world behind and entered nirvana when I got the pump-system shower working.
Holy shit.
Holy, holy, holy shit.
I hadn’t had a shower since Kane’s cabin and that hadn’t felt nearly as peaceful as this one.
And it didn’t matter that this one was cold and made of stagnant lake water that probably had all the makings of brain-eating amoebas in it. All that mattered was that the ice cold water came out of a spout above my head and sprinkled down over me with a very decent amount of water pressure.
There was shampoo.
And a rusty razor.
And a drain.
Plus, let’s not discount the pure bliss of actually being naked!
When was the last time I’d stripped down to complete nudity and been able to scrub all the bits and pieces that missed the light of day?
Uh, way too long.
I gave myself the luxury of a ten minute shower and managed to shave the calf portion of my legs. Okay, maybe that was a little insensitive for the dangers and uncertainties lurking beyond this bunker, but I didn’t know when I would get another chance to shave.
Plus, selfishly, I felt like I deserved this small indulgence.
I dried off with another wrinkly towel that I pulled from one of those vacuum sealed bags. I dressed in the clothes I found earlier, baggy jeans, a too-big flannel shirt and man socks that went up to my kneecaps. I finger-combed my hair and tied it in a braid over my shoulder.
I had a few possessions in my backpack, but it was mostly filled with survival necessities. And if I were honest, there wasn’t much of that either. However, I had managed to pack some extra undies and a spare bra or four. Thank God.
We were out of guns and ammo, but I thought I remembered Gage saying there was a stash of them in this bunker. We would have to investigate.
I came out of the bathroom feeling better. Not whole, or healed or even like myself, but better than I had before I went in there. It was easy to slip into depression when you were covered in Zombie goo, sticky with your own blood and smelled like crotch rot.
And it was much easier to fight depression with clean hair, smooth legs and spotless nail beds.
Hendrix had thrown together a breakfast of stale crackers, beef jerky, oatmeal that he actually made over a small propane stove and raisins. All in all, this was a pretty decent breakfast.
I had been eating as well as I could while captive at the compound, but Hendrix, Page and Miller had been practically starved in that same amount of time. I took small portions and let them devour the rest. They would need their strength today and so far we didn’t look at the top of our game.
Miller was in the worst shape. I could already tell he wouldn’t be able to move fast outside. His body had been beaten consistently while in Matthias’s captivity and even though he was better today than he was yesterday, that wasn’t saying much.
While Hendrix and I cleaned up breakfast, Miller and Page took turns in the shower. They changed into their new clothes, and I worked with them individually to devise a plan to keep their pants up. With Page we found some rope that acted like a belt and with Miller, we just kept rolling the waistband until the sweats stopped falling down.
“What’s the plan, Hendrix?” I asked in a soft voice once the kids were busy elsewhere in the bunker.
He turned around from washing out the oatmeal pot and leaned against the counter. It might have been weird that we did the dishes at a place we planned to abandon, but we knew that we weren’t the only people that would eventually need this place. Even if it happened to be douchebags from the Colony, there was something about leaving a place as nice as you found it
that had been ingrained into us. Plus, neither of us did well with idle hands. It was so much better to be active and not think about everything that had gone wrong or could go wrong.
Plus, we still hadn’t heard from Vaughan or anyone else.
My stomach tightened with nerves and I felt the meager breakfast I’d just consumed, threatening to work its way back up.
Hendrix crossed his arms and met my searching gaze. He gave a small shake of his head and let out a tired sigh. “We’re going back for them.”
His words were like a challenge to me. He fell quiet and waited for me to argue with him. I didn’t know who he thought I was, but there was no way in hell I would leave my friends behind.
“I know. Contingency plan.” I arched an eyebrow and waited for him to expound on how we would find them.
“We need weapons.” His posture relaxed just the smallest bit, but it felt like a victory to me. He believed I was as invested in this as he was. That was a good thing for a Parker. They were all about loyalty, and while I had never given him a reason to believe I would let either Haley or anyone in his family suffer and die a gruesome death while I watched from the sidelines, in his eyes I had betrayed his trust with Kane. It would be almost impossible for me to gain that back.
I sensed a lot of these pointless conversations with him in the future.
“I think there are some here. I remember Gage saying something about it before.” I looked around and noticed more plastic totes shoved under the couch and the beds. Surely, a bunker built for an Apocalypse like this one would keep stores of weapons for any possible reason leading up to being barricaded in here.
“That’s good,” Hendrix admitted. “That’s really good. That will help us out a lot.”
“Have you looked outside again lately?”
Love and Decay, Season Two Omnibus: Episodes 1-12 Page 69