by Robin Benway
“Wow, that’s awesome,” was all I said, though, filing the information away for later use. “So what’s up for today?”
Mariah sighed and flipped her cell phone around and around. “I’m already over today. I’m ready for tonight.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s tonight?”
She caught her tongue between her teeth and smiled at me. “There’s another party.”
“You’re having another party?” I gasped. I was so jealous that it made my eyeballs almost turn green. With a mom who felt guilty about leaving the house, a sister who could see the future, and another sister who was a freakazoid ghost, I’d have never been able to have a party in our house. Some people were just luckier than me. “Did your mom and stepdad not come home?”
“No, they came home. I’m not the hostess this time; I’m just an attendee. It’s over at one of Blake’s friends’ apartments. It’s gonna be cool.”
Going to a party at someone’s apartment sounded so grown-up that I could barely stand it. “I’m in,” I said. “When?”
“Tonight. Duh, I just told you.” She patted my cheek a little too hard. “Keep up.”
“I’m up,” I said, shifting away a bit. “But when like time? And how do I get there?”
Mariah shrugged. “I dunno. Tell your mom you’re going to the movies. Isn’t that what freshmen do on school nights?”
“I don’t know,” I told her. “I don’t hang out with freshmen.”
Mariah moved her sunglasses and looked down her nose at me before pushing them back up and grinning. “You don’t anymore,” she said. “Blake and I will pick you up at seven thirty. Sucks to be you if you’re late.”
“I’ll be there,” I said. And I would, no matter what crazy scheme April cooked up this time.
chapter 19
“The red lights attacked every part of me.” april
Julian was waiting by my locker when I got to school on Monday. “So,” he said, “call me crazy, but I think you’re ignoring me.”
“You’re crazy,” I said automatically. I had seen this little exchange coming since the first text message he sent on Saturday morning. He sent four more over the course of the weekend, but I only responded to the one that said, “Can we do it again soon?” I said yes because I already knew that we’d be doing something soon enough. It was an easy question to answer.
“No, I’m not crazy,” he insisted. “Why’d you clam up over the weekend? That’s not cool. I thought guys were supposed to be all weird and aloof.”
“You think I’m weird and aloof?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips.
“Well, yeah, kind of.” He squared off with me. “Look, you called me on my shit, remember? Fair’s fair.”
I sighed and spun my locker open, not even caring if I had the right books or not. It was barely October, and I was already over this school year. “I’m sorry. I’m just fighting with my sisters. Things are really weird right now.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
I wanted to so badly that I could almost taste the words on my tongue. “No.”
“Wanna … get coffee again? Go to a bookstore? Throw rocks at senior citizens?”
“Do I wanna what?”
“Just checking.” He smiled down at me, and I suddenly felt small. I wondered if this was how May felt whenever she disappeared, like she could be crushed by people who were looking straight through her, but then I remembered that I didn’t care how she felt anymore, not after she had been so stupid on Friday night.
“I’ve got a ton of homework,” I protested. “I have to think about my grades for college.”
“You sound like that kid who wears all the Stanford gear,” Julian snickered. “And I have homework, too.”
“Okay, so …?”
Red lights, sirens, Julian’s face, June’s face, someone crying …
“April?”
“Yeah?” The flashing red lights were all I could see, and they burned.
“Where’d you go?”
“I’m right here.” I slammed my locker without exchanging any books and looked at him. “I had fun,” I told him. “I had a lot of fun, but things are just crazy right now.” Crazy like the more time I spent with him, the more intense the visions were. I was starting to feel them in my stomach, like someone was grabbing and squeezing.
Julian just looked at me for a long minute before saying, “Is this because I was honest with you and actually told you how I felt, and now it’s all weird between us?”
I looked everywhere but at him.
“Because if that’s the case, then you need to get over it.” He leaned a bit closer and made eye contact. “You had fun. I had fun. I want to go out with you again. If you’re not into it, that’s cool. But I’m not a liar, and I don’t think you are, either.”
I couldn’t even begin to tell Julian all the ways I had lied to him. “I had fun, too,” I admitted, which was the truth. “It was probably the most fun I’ve had since we moved here.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Me?” I offered. “I’m kind of crazy?”
Julian raised an eyebrow. “If this is crazy, I think I can handle it.”
I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t say anything, and then Julian said, “Look, if you want, we can do homework at the bookstore over at the Commons tonight. The coffee’s shit, but I promise the company will be better.”
I flashed forward and saw us sitting together, two huge textbooks that went ignored for most of the time. “Okay,” I said. “That’d be good.” And it would be.
And, a tiny voice inside my brain reminded me, it would once again keep Julian and June apart.
Getting ready for my second date was a lot quieter than getting ready for my first date. My sisters weren’t squealing and teasing me, and my mom was working late and not getting all teary-eyed at the idea of us growing up. At the time, it had been annoying, but it was lonelier now.
I hadn’t seen it coming.
I had made sure that June wasn’t doing anything stupid that night, but all I saw was my mom coming home from work, honking twice in our driveway, and then June running out and being dropped off at the movies. My mom was having her second date with Chad, as well, though I knew she wasn’t as excited about it as the first one.
I brushed my hair, put on the bra that June had loaned me, and went downstairs to wait for Julian. May was hovering around somewhere, but where, I didn’t know. She had gone invisible more and more lately, especially when my mom wasn’t home. She might as well have been living in another country for all I saw her now.
I met Julian at the door. “Well, for a crazy person, you look really nice,” he greeted me.
I fought back against the sirens and lights again, willing it to go away. “Thanks,” I said. “I wore my best studying clothes.”
The café at the bookstore was half-empty. Usually in the afternoon, it’s packed with kids from our school, but now it was quiet, save for the espresso machine that rumbled and hissed every so often. I caught Julian glancing at me a few times over his calculus homework, but I only knew that because I was glancing at him, too.
“I’m sure enjoying this romantic tension,” he finally said without looking up from his notes. “It’s almost as relaxing as the espresso machine and that guy who keeps clearing his throat.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “I find a little romantic tension can boost your GPA by at least two-tenths of a point.”
“Valedictorian, here I come.” He pushed his books away and leaned back in his chair, stretching. “Do you study like this all the time?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re performing brain surgery.”
I guess I was gripping my pen a bit too tight. “Oh, um …”
“Your sisters?” he guessed.
Well, that and trying to ward off visions of you and June in a traumatic accident, I thought to myself. It was nice to be able to think things without June butting in. But then Julian took
my hand under the table, and I stopped thinking about my sisters. Or homework. Or how to breathe.
“ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! OUR STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES! IF YOU HAVE ITEMS YOU HAVE NOT YET PURCHASED, PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO A REGISTER AT THIS TIME!”
The loudspeaker was just that, very loud, and we jolted apart. My fingers felt sort of lonely once Julian’s hand had moved away, which was never how I imagined describing my fingers until just then.
“They have a way with subtlety here,” Julian said.
“And shitty coffee,” I agreed. “They have it all.”
Julian laughed. “Hey, I warned you about the coffee.”
“Next time, we bring our own.”
He nodded and then slammed his book shut. “Wanna get out of here before they make us buy a kitten calendar or something?”
“Lovely,” I said.
Which was how I ended up sitting in his car in an empty parking lot. With Julian. The orange streetlights were only enhancing the red lights in my mind, and I willed them to stay away. How could Julian be so nice and involved in something so bad? Was I not seeing something? Why couldn’t I see past that scene? Why couldn’t I figure out who he really was?
“April,” he said, and my brain cleared as I looked at him. “What is it?”
“English quiz tomorrow,” I said automatically. “I’m a little stressed.”
“You probably already have an A in the class, I’ll bet.”
I did, and tomorrow’s quiz would only confirm it. “Yeah,” I said, but we were still looking at each other. And then he leaned forward, and the sirens in my head got louder and louder until our lips were nearly touching and I could hardly feel myself breathing.
I only halfway realized that I was about to get my first kiss, and I know I’m not Little Miss Experience. But I could tell it was going to be good. Waaaaaay better than good. Julian smelled nice. And when he put his hand on my shoulder, the red lights dimmed for a second, and all I could see was him, his hands on my face, and the way his jacket felt under my fingers.
“April?” he whispered against my mouth, and I swear it took me a few seconds to realize that he was talking to me.
“Hmmm?” Shut up and start kissing, I thought hazily. Why was he talking right now?
“April, your phone.”
I blinked and glanced down at my phone, which was vibrating in my bag. “Oh,” I said. “That’s … yeah.”
“Wanna answer it?”
No.
“Okay, yeah, hang on, just don’t …” I tightened my hand in his shirt, like he was about to run away or something, and grabbed my phone. There were three missed calls from May, all of them a minute apart.
And then the visions slammed into my brain, the red lights attacking every part of me, shining everywhere and blinking as fast as my heart could go.
chapter 20
“We’ve gotta go right now.” may
Bliss. Sweet sweet bliss. Everyone else in our house went out to have a life, and I got to stay home by myself.
Except that I was annoyed.
I mean, what the hell? I finally decided to jet on our family and go somewhere else and what did my sisters do? Nothing. June the nosy mindreader didn’t even try to get more information. April the pushy future-teller didn’t even try to be all snide and tell me about weather patterns in Texas. I knew they could see something, anything, but I guess it didn’t matter. Maybe I had stayed invisible too long. Maybe they weren’t even interested anymore.
Whatever. I had plans now.
I dragged a duffle bag out of the back of my closet and tossed it on the bed, then started to pack for Houston. My dad was just gonna have to deal, and I’d learn to live with cowboys and humidity and people who say “y’all” with no irony whatsoever. Maybe I’d actually stick around there; maybe I’d stop disappearing all the time.
At least it wouldn’t suck as much as this place.
I worked my way through a bag of Cheese Puffs as I packed, getting orange powder on all my clothes and not even caring. The more I packed, the angrier I felt, though, and I threw some socks into the bag with such force that they practically bounced back out. “Whoa, Turbo,” I said to myself, then realized that June would have said the same thing.
I was imitating June now. Definitely time to leave.
I planned to leave the next morning, maybe pretend I had left something behind at home and go back after everyone else had already left for school or work. I had cash saved because—let’s be honest here—it was not like I was going to the movies with friends and spending it. I could take a cab to get to the airport, board a plane, and be in Houston by the time April and June got home from school. I had my dad’s address and a cell phone. And, oh yeah, I could become invisible. What more did I need?
As an added bonus, I’d also be missing the European history quiz at ten a.m. the next morning, but thinking about that made me think of Henry, which made me think of barfing, which made me want to stay away from the Cheese Puffs, and I loved Cheese Puffs too much to give them up.
I was dragging them and my duffle bag towards the laundry room when the doorbell rang. Eight thirty at night. I had seen enough movies to know that it was probably the killer from Scream coming to hack me to bits, but all he had was a stupid Halloween mask. I had invisibility on my side. Let him try to kill me. Who doesn’t like a plot twist, after all?
But when I opened the door, it was worse than the Scream dude. It was Henry.
“Oh,” I said, quickly shoving the duffle bag out of his line of sight. “I thought you were a murderer.”
“Um, no,” he said. “I know you hate me, but I’m not a murderer.”
I leaned against the door. “So? Did you stop by to sell me Girl Scout cookies? Are you raising funds for the homeless?”
“There’s a quiz tomorrow. I thought you might need help.”
The Cheese Puffs churned in my stomach. “I don’t need help,” I said.
“Are those Cheese Puffs?”
I glanced down at the bag. “Maybe.”
“May.”
“Henry.”
“You’re being weird,” he said.
“As opposed to my normal cheerleader self, you mean?”
“You’re, like, flushed.”
He was right. It was warm, way too warm, like being under an interrogator’s spotlight. “Look, Henry,” I said. “You came here to see me and—”
“Is that a duffle bag?”
I glanced down at it, then back at him. “Maybe.”
Henry narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Lacrosse field trip,” I said. “I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.”
Henry took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. It was way shorter than it needed to be, which annoyed me in ways I cannot even describe. I could see the tips of his ears, that’s how short it was. “You don’t play lacrosse,” he said. “And can I please just come in?”
I stepped back from the doorway and waved him in. “Mi casa es su casa.”
The last time we had talked, I had been hungover, but now the hangover was gone, replaced by something angry and fiery, something worse than ever before. “One hour,” I said. “And that’s it. I hope this is enough volunteer credit for you, so you can graduate sooner than me and I never have to see you again.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better—” Henry started to say, but I cut him off.
“I feel great, Henry,” I snapped at him. “Really.”
I didn’t have to look at him to know that he was gazing oddly at me. I could feel it on my skin, making me feel more visible than ever before. I wanted the whole world to feel how I felt just then, frustrated and stupid and tilted, like the world was off its axis but I was the only one flying out into the unknown.
“Seriously,” I said with a sigh. “Can we just study?”
Henry looked at me, and I levelled my gaze at him, staring back. “What?” I said. “Did you wa
nt me to ask permission first?” If I was going to get him to leave, I had to do it fast. Otherwise I’d never get to finish packing. And then my sisters would come home and figure everything out, and I’d be stuck here. That idea felt like someone was sitting on my chest, trapping me here with no place to go.
So I decided to find out how far I could push Henry.
At first, he pretended that nothing was wrong. He pointed out alliances and treaties like they still mattered. He talked about Prussia and kings and violent coups and beheadings. I pushed my pencil around, “accidentally” spilled my water on my notes (which were illegible to start with), yawned twice, and said yes to everything that Henry asked me, even if it wasn’t a yes-or-no question.
It took me until nine before I was pretty sure that I was starting to hit Henry’s limit. I wanted him to spin out of control. I wanted someone to know how it felt to be me. But all he did was just sigh or push his fingers through his badly cut hair with increasing speed, until he finally put his highlighter down and turned to look at me.
“Why are you packing?” he asked quietly. “I mean, the truth. Why?”>
I startled. “What does that have to do with European history?”
“Nothing.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t worry about it.”
“Are you gonna miss the quiz tomorrow?”
I started to laugh. “You’re serious?” I said. “That’s all you care about, whether or not I’m gonna miss the precious quiz? Don’t you get it? None of this matters. None of it. In five years, no one’s gonna give a shit about some stupid quiz, and yet you act like it’s the most important thing ever! But there’s more than just this, Henry!”
I picked up the highlighter and tossed it across the table, where it bounced angrily onto the floor. “You act like you know everything and you’re so smart. But you don’t know anything.”