by Cecilia Fyre
And why had he done it? What was the motivation? Lea had asked herself why he hadn’t just broken up with her, but beyond that, she had no clue why he'd hurt her like that. Just because his behavior had been inexcusable didn’t mean there was no reason for it.
Maybe she could at least give him the opportunity to explain himself, even if she didn’t like what he had to say. Then she could make up her mind.
Lea had just sat down on her bed and toed off one shoe when her phone rang.
“Oh great.” The blasted thing was still in the living room. Maybe Siobhan had forgotten something.
She hurried through the apartment and scrabbled for the phone that was buried under the quilt.
It was Ricco.
Lea’s brain was on autopilot and seemed to be screaming at her to dismiss and block his call. But she found she could not do it.
It wasn’t unreasonable to call her now. He had to guess she would watch the talk show after he’d given Siobhan the message for her. Was it so wrong that he was hoping Siobhan had worked her magic?
Lea’s hands shook, her fingers felt icy. She took the call. “Ricco, I saw—”
“Lea? Oh thank god…please, don’t hang up!” He sounded frantic like Lea had never heard him before. She had a bad feeling about this.
“What is it, Ricco?”
“It’s Ciaran, he was in an accident.”
“What happened?” With the phone clamped to her ear, she hurried to find her second shoe and snatched up her keys.
“He was out with his friends. I think they got into a drunken fight or did some dare, I don’t know. He fell down some stairs and hit his head. He came home with a big lump. But he said he felt fine, so I parked him on the sofa and we were talking, and suddenly he…he just stopped,”
“Is he breathing?” Lea balanced the phone precariously to tug on her cardigan.
“He is, yeah.”
“And you’ve called an ambulance?”
“Right away…and then I called you…Lea…oh god, I can’t do this alone.”
Lea took a deep breath. “Of course not. Tell the paramedics exactly what happened, don’t leave out anything.”
“Okay.” His voice was a mere whisper.
In her mind’s eye, Lea saw Ricco pacing his living room. She could feel his fear, his desperation. The worry for him and Ciaran made her feel sick to her stomach. “Just stay with him, talk to him, and watch his breathing. But don’t move him. Text me when you’re en route and tell me where they’re taking him. I’ll meet you there.”
“Lea, I… if he dies—” Ricco couldn’t keep the sobs inside.
“Listen to me, honey." She used her most reassuring doctor's voice. “He’s not going to die. But you have to be strong now, for him. He needs you to be strong, he can’t do it alone either. All right?”
“I…yeah.” His voice was still wobbly but his breathing seemed under control again.
“Good! I’ll see you very soon.”
As soon as Ricco texted her that the paramedics were going to Columbia University Medical Centre, Lea called a cab. She felt like she was sitting on the edge of a knife, her insides churning with fear. She had told Ricco Ciaran wouldn’t die, but it had been a white lie, nothing more than a band-aid to keep him and her from losing their minds.
Anything could happen, was the truth. Ciaran might have a brain bleed so severe that he died before he got to the hospital. Or he might stop breathing, and the lack of oxygen could cause brain damage. But how could she say that to a father, sitting next to his unconscious son?
In the cab, Lea tried to prepare herself. It was one thing to see Ricco again. But under the circumstances, she couldn’t exactly pressure him into an in-depth discussion of their failed relationship.
How did she always end up in these situations, supporting him through one health crisis after the next?
And yet, she was glad that he’d called her. She wanted to be there for him in this awful time. The thought of Ricco’s suffering cut into her heart, and she longed to be by his side. She willed the cab driver to go faster, but even at this time, the streets of Manhattan were busy.
Ricco wasn’t in the ER when Lea finally arrived at the hospital. The night nurse told her that they had taken Ciaran upstairs for emergency surgery. As Lea rushed through another set of unsettlingly familiar corridors she steeled herself for the reunion.
It was nothing like she had imagined. After seeing Ricco on Jimmy Fallon Lea had hoped that should she indeed make contact, they could meet somewhere neutral, take it slow and see where that first meeting led.
Instead, they met outside the operating theater, with Ricco looking as exhausted and done in as Lea had ever seen him.
He stood by a window, biting down hard on a fingernail.
“Ricco.”
He glanced up. Lea hesitated for only a second. Fuck this shit. He needs me.
She rushed forward and put her arms around him, hugging him tight before she could change her mind. Startled, Ricco hesitated for a second, but then wrapped his arms around her with a choked-off sob.
Almost too late Lea realized that Ricco’s legs were threatening to give way. She struggled to keep him upright, her bad hip twinging. “Ricco, come here, sit down.” She got them both onto a nearby bench. They went down heavily. Lea shifted, wincing as her hip throbbed angrily. At least they hadn’t crashed to the floor.
She took his shaking hands in hers. His fingers were ice-cold and clammy. He stared at the floor. His face was pale, the lips bloodless. Lea groaned. He had a migraine coming, it was obvious.
Just what they needed now.
“Ricco, look at me.”
He struggled to oblige, his eyes dark pools of pain. Tears beaded his lashes. Lea stroked his wrist. She waited for him to speak. This was more than a headache, this was Ricco having a panic attack. She finally understood the signs.
Eventually, his gaze cleared somewhat. Lea waited, keeping their eyes locked. He blinked slowly a few times, then sighed and hung his head. The panic flowed from him and his shoulders sagged.
“Is Ciaran in surgery?” Lea asked. Best to try and focus on the practical things first. Ricco shook his head but didn’t speak. Lea followed up with, “Has the surgeon been out to talk to you yet?”
“No. He said they’d prep him first, then he’d come to me.”
“We’ll wait here, okay?”
Ricco nodded but then groaned. Lea sat up. “It’s your head, isn’t it?”
He nodded. “I forgot a dose or two today. I’ve been all over the place, with…you know, and then Ciaran.”
“What do you take now?” she asked, already looking around for the nearest reception desk.
“It’s called Effexor.” He swallowed. “I think it’s too late now though.”
“Do you still have the same script for Lioresal?”
“Yeah.”
She made to get up, but he held on to her hand. He looked at her with frightened eyes.
“I’m just going to get you some rescue treatment.” She squeezed his hands and he let go.
It was surprising how far some faked authority and a quickly flashed badge could get you. Lea had no practice rights at Columbia, but as part of her research, she had a code card for the library, which she now waved in front of the pimply night pharmacy attendant.
Ten minutes later she was on her way back to the waiting area with two pills of Lioresal rescue treatment and a paper cup of water.
There was a woman sitting next to Ricco. Lea stopped, uncertain. The woman looked vaguely familiar, even with her short hair brushed hastily and no make-up on. She clung to the hand of a man with salt-and-pepper hair in his late fifties who stood by her chair, looking worried. Ricco was still sitting hunched over with his eyes closed. From the tense set of his shoulders, it was clear that the migraine was starting to take hold.
Lea hurried to his side, bypassing the other two without a word. Niceties could wait until Ricco was taken care of. She crouched befo
re him and tapped on his knee. “Sorry it took so long.” He opened his eyes and she held up the little cup with the pills. “Can you take these without being sick?”
He nodded and threw them back with a wince, chasing them with a couple of big gulps of water.
Lea watched him carefully for a minute. Only once she was sure that the pills and water were staying down did she turn her attention to the pair who were eyeing her curiously. “I’m sorry…hi.” She extended her hand, “I’m Lea.”
The woman took the offered hand. “Carla, and this is Miles.”
Of course. Ciaran’s mum and stepdad. “It’s good to meet you, but the circumstances could be better. I’m so sorry about Ciaran.”
“Lea is an ER doctor.” Ricco’s voice was hoarse, and he cleared his throat. He seemed to have trouble stringing the words together. She stood close to him and he leaned against her side with a sigh.
“This is the best hospital for Ciaran,” Lea reassured Carla. “They have the best neurosurgery department in the city.” As if summoned by her words the double doors opposite the waiting area opened and a doctor in scrubs appeared. He looked slightly perplexed at their expectant faces. “Err, Mr. Como?”
“Ricco, please.” Ricco tried to get to his feet but he was struggling. Lea supported him by the elbow. The Lioresal would make him uncoordinated and he really should be lying down. She didn’t suggest it since she knew he’d never agree to leave.
“Ricco, okay. I…well.” He looked from Lea to Carla. “Who is the mother?”
“I am.” Carla got to her feet too.
The doctor’s expression cleared as he unraveled the connections between them. He addressed his next words to both Carla and Ricco. “Ciaran is stable right now. The CT scan shows a subarachnoidal hemorrhage—”
“Blood around the brain, where the fluid is,” Lea said automatically when Carla looked blank. “Sorry, ER doctor from Bellevue.”
“Ah. Yes, exactly that, apologies. The bleeding is coming from a ruptured vessel that we have to repair."
“You’ll have to open his head?” Ricco sounded like he was close to being sick. Lea put her arm around his waist.
The doctor gave him a concerned look. “Not exactly. We’ll insert a wire through a vein in his leg and guide it up into his head. It’s a faster and much less invasive procedure, and luckily the bleed appears to be small— Ricco, are you feeling okay?”
Ricco had gone gray, his lips bloodless. Quickly, Lea guided him back onto the bench. “Sit down, honey…there you go.” She glanced at the doctor. “I wonder if there’s somewhere more private we can wait, ideally with a place for Ricco to lie down?”
“I’m fine.” Nobody took much notice as he definitely didn’t sound fine.
“There’s a family waiting room at the other end of the corridor,” the doctor said. “You’re welcome to go there, it’s quiet and more comfortable.”
“I’ll take him there, thank you,” Lea said, and added, “Can his mom see Ciaran before he goes into theater?”
Carla gave her a grateful glance. “Would that be okay?” she asked the doctor.
“Of course.” He indicated the swing doors. “I’ll take you through right now.” Before he led them away he added to Lea, “The family room is past the nurse’s station. If you or Ricco need anything, just ask one of the night staff, they’ll be happy to help. I’ll come and update you as soon as I can.”
As the doctor, Carla and Miles vanished into the inner sanctum of the hospital, Lea sat by Ricco’s side. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead and he kept his eyes closed.
“Let’s get you out of that jacket, you must be boiling.” Lea helped him with his heavy coat. He was still wearing the dress shirt he’d worn on TV that afternoon, and he had sweated through the shirt in several places.
They sat for a few minutes, while Ricco concentrated on his breathing. After a while, he looked less pale. Lea stroked his back and tried a smile. “Better?”
Ricco glanced up and nodded. When he spoke his voice was scared and small. “Will he be okay?”
Lea hugged him. “I really think he will be fine. The doctor wasn’t worried, and he didn’t rush us. That’s good.”
"Oh, Lea.” Ricco sounded close to tears, clinging on hard. She hugged him tighter but was keen to get them out of the hall and somewhere more private.
“Let’s go to that family room.”
He let her help him up, and Lea held him close as they walked down the corridor, Lea carrying Ricco’s coat. A night nurse pointed out the family room.
“You’ll have it to yourselves all night, I expect,” the nurse said, then added, with a look at Ricco’s pale face, “There’s a water cooler in there, and I’ll bring you some coffee.”
“That’d be great, thanks ever so much.”
The room was dimly lit, which was a relief. The Lioresal should avert the worst of the migraine, but Ricco would still be sensitive to bright lights for a good while.
Lea led him to a sofa. He dropped onto it with a groan and accepted the glass of water Lea brought him.
They sat in silence for a while. He sipped the water and, when the nurse brought two steaming mugs of coffee, cradled one of them between his hands.
After what felt like ages he whispered, “He has to get better. He has to.”
It wasn't a certainty, of course, but Lea felt confident enough in reassuring him and did her best to sound convincing. “He will, I’m very optimistic. This really is the best facility for brain surgery in the city.”
“Do you think he’ll have brain damage?”
Now she had to tread more carefully. “It’s much too soon to be sure. He’ll likely need some rehab, and we’ll make sure he gets it.”
“We?” Ricco glanced at her, his eyes still red but hopeful.
She held out her hand and he took it. She smiled. “Sure. If you still want to give it a go?” She was sorry to see tears in his eyes again.
“Of course I do!” He looked away. “I hurt you so much, but you still came when I needed you." He squeezed her fingers and forced himself to look at her again. “I never meant it to happen, never wanted to hurt you… I…I don’t know what that was. I’m so messed up. It‘s no excuse though…something fights…something wants me…needs me to be unhappy. Here’s the thing, I don’t wanna…you’re different, and I wanted…I still do…could…could we start over? I love you, I really do!”
Lea wasn’t sure how to react. She wanted to be with him, but would things change? And what did she want him to change?
Despite it all, the answer was crystal clear in her mind. She loved Ricco. The thought of never seeing him again seemed like the worst punishment, worse than anything she could imagine happening if they gave this another chance.
Lea reached out and stroked his face. His skin was warm. She wiped away a tear. “I want us to try again. But there’s one thing.”
“Anything, babe.” He sounded sincere, and his intensity went straight through her heart.
“No more secrets,” she said, making her voice as determined as she could. “Whatever it is that goes on in our minds, we need to talk about it. Nothing can be as bad as keeping things from each other.”
There was hope now in his eyes, a tiny glimmer amid all the pain and confusion, but Lea saw it.
He nodded, biting his lip. “No more secrets. It’s a deal.”
10
They talked some more while they were still by themselves. Ricco told Lea about Bev, Aurora, and Anna, which Lea found hard to hear but necessary. And, surprisingly, once it was all out in the open she found that she could forgive him. Of course, she would rather it had never happened, but what was done was done. She would never be able to forget it, but it no longer seemed like a deal-breaker.
They also talked about the overdose.
“I swear, I dunno what happened,” he said. “I was a mess, and the pills made it worse. I got real confused. I think I took a couple extra doses sometimes because I couldn’
t remember whether I’d taken them already. That day, I don’t remember much, but I do remember my head hurting so bad. I took a couple extra pills, I thought maybe that’d help. Course now I know that’s not how they work. But at the time it seemed a great idea. I was totally off my gourd.”
His expression changed and he gazed at her with gratitude. “You saved me that day. Nick told me everything. Also what you said, about me wanting to not die. I’d felt so awful for a long time and didn’t think I cared whether I lived or not, but that made me realize that I definitely didn’t want to die.” He closed his eyes, looking exhausted.
Lea looked around. At least one of the sofas was long enough for Ricco to stretch out. “Why don’t you lie down for a bit? We can talk more later.”
“I think I might, yeah.” He stretched out on the sofa. It didn’t take long for him to doze off. Lea sipped her coffee and waited.
Another fifteen minutes went by before Carla and Miles appeared. Carla looked like she had been crying, but now she had calmed down. “The doctor thinks he’ll be fine,” she told Lea.
They only talked a little. Ciaran’s mom and stepdad were distracted with thoughts of the boy, and Lea was mindful that the more rest Ricco now got, the better. Miles disappeared for a while, and Carla stood by the window, staring into the darkness. Lea sat by Ricco’s side, stroking his hand a little when he shifted restlessly or sighed with discomfort. He settled down again and slept on.
Lea’s heart was heavy for Carla. Even though she had to be in her mid-forties Ciaran’s mother was still exquisitely beautiful, with fine features and a slender, graceful figure. Lea had once googled her and so knew that she was still very much in demand in Hollywood, playing powerful female character roles. She’d also done some theater work, and secretly, Lea had hoped that one day Siobhan and her friends would get to see her in a play. In the gloomy hospital room, however, she looked tired and wan, like any mother desperately worried about her sick child.
The nurse brought more coffee, and sandwiches, too. She gave them all a long, probing look, but if she had figured out who it was in her waiting room that night, she didn’t let on.